Overworked

Catra wakes up in her and Adora’s bed. She doesn’t remember falling asleep, but when she tries to sit up, she can’t. No matter what she tells her torso and her arms, they just lay there like lead next to her.

“Adora?” she calls out, her voice scratchy. There’s a clash from the bathroom off the side of their bedroom, and out comes rushing her girlfriend.

“Catra,” she breathes, darting to her side and bending down to kiss her on the forehead. “I was worried you weren’t going to wake up.”

She snorts. “Of course I was going to wake up. I’m not dead or anything.”

Adora’s expression hardens, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she helps prop Catra up on a few pillows so that she can stay sitting up. Then she goes to the other side of the room and begins preparing something. After a moment, she returns to Catra’s side with a bowl of soup and some crackers.

“You need to eat,” she says, placing the tray delicately on Catra’s lap. “We weren’t able to get a lot of food into you while you were asleep.”

Catra looks between the bowl in front of her and Adora’s stern expression. Her stomach flips, and though she feels like she wants to throw up, there’s also an undeniable hunger within her. So, she takes the bowl and tentatively sips at the broth, a sigh escaping her throat at the soothing warmth.

After she finishes the broth, she begins to munch on the crackers laid out for her.

“How long was I asleep, anyway?” she asks, her mouth full.

Adora’s face twitches. “You woke up from time to time, but in general you’ve been in bed for a day and a half.”

Catra chokes on her cracker, and Adora rubs her back as she coughs. She glares down at the food in front of her.

“A day and a half? I was supposed to be working with Scorpia on finishing the outside garden! I have to go help her.”

“What?” Adora asks, blinking incredulously. “You’re… you’re kidding.”

“Do I sound like I’m kidding?”

“Catra…” her girlfriend’s face is angry, something Catra hasn’t seen directed at her since the war. “You literally worked yourself to exhaustion! There’s no way I’m just going to let you go back to working in the Fright Zone!”

Adora wasn’t going to let her? Bullshit.

“I commanded an entire army, Adora, so I can handle reconstruction just fine . I worked on less food and sleep in the Horde.”

“We aren’t in the Horde anymore, Catra!”

“You think I don’t know that?” she snaps, baring her fangs. “We’re in fucking Brightmoon, Adora! I know! I’m reminded of it every time I wake up and every time I go to sleep.”

“Why say that like it’s a bad thing?!”

“Because I don’t deserve it!” Catra’s ears lay flat on her head, and she looks down, quieter now. “I don’t deserve any of this.”

Adora’s features soften, and she rests on the edge of the bed. “Of course you deserve it.”

“No, I really don’t.” She allows her girlfriend to take her hand and gently pry it open, releasing the fist she didn’t realize she was making. “All of these things that the Rebellion has to fix? My fault. I’m living in the place I tried to destroy multiple times .”

“Catra--”

“And I see how some of the other princesses still look at me, you know? They have every right to not trust me. But if I work to show them that I’m trying, then maybe…”

Maybe the voices will go away? Maybe the guilt will fade?

What does Catra want out of all of this?

Instead of voicing any of those, she lets the sentence trail off. Silence hangs thick in the air, making her more anxious than before.

“You have to take care of yourself,” Adora says finally, rubbing soothing circles on the back of Catra’s hand. Normally it would make her purr, but she’s too stressed to allow her body the simple pleasure. “This… working yourself to the state of passing out, it isn’t the way to repent.”

“Then… how?”

The blonde sighs and moves the tray of food away to the table at the side of their bed. She slips in next to Catra, wrapping her arm around the feline to cuddle her. “It just… it takes time. Helping with the reconstruction is great, Catra, but you have to let the healing take time.”

“But then I just have this… this feeling in my gut. This heavy, bad feeling.”

Adora tightens her hug. “That’s guilt, and… it might always be there. I honestly don’t know.”

The thought makes Catra freeze, and for a moment she stops breathing. Adora blinks and looks down at her.

“When I didn’t eat or I didn’t sleep and just kept working, the guilt wasn’t so bad. It felt like I was, I don’t know, making up for some of the stuff I did,” she explains.

“You were still suffering, but in a different way. Nobody here wants to see you suffer.”

I want to see myself suffer , Catra thinks, and she’s startled by the thought. It’s quick, the overwhelming wave of realization that washes over her, and she’s full of undeniable emotion. The only thing Catra knows is suffering; it’s familiar. It feels right.

But it isn’t. It isn’t right. 

Thoughts race through her head, but one sticks out among the rest.

Do I deserve to suffer?

Despite her best efforts, Catra cannot help the sob that climbs out of her throat, or the tears and hiccups that accompany it.

“Oh, Catra…” Adora says softly, like she’s looking at a wounded animal. Maybe that’s all that Catra is.

The blonde wraps her girlfriend up tighter, and the feline buries her head into her shoulder, sobbing. Her whole body goes limp in the embrace, all resolve gone. Adora strokes her short hair and murmurs comforting words into Catra’s ear.

“I love you so much,” she promises, her voice soft and caring. “You mean everything to me, and we’re going to fix this.”

It only makes Catra cry harder.

It is agreed amongst the princesses that the best course of action is to have Catra stay in Plumeria for a few days to rest and heal, both physically and emotionally. The feline relents, only because she doesn’t have the energy to fight it.

When she arrives in Plumeria, she’s overwhelmed by how beautiful it is. There are plants of all kinds, with every color and hue Catra can imagine. Perfuma’s runestone is as healthy as ever, and acts as a soft light when the sky dims to night. It’s different from the Black Garnet, which she can only ever associate to a violent, electrifying feeling. 

That’s where Catra spends most of her time during her visit. The thrum of energy that radiates from the runestone is warm and calming, much like Perfuma’s own energy. It helps Catra relax, and it gives her a quiet place to think and meditate. And Perfuma also spends a lot of time with Catra, helping her work through some of her innermost issues.

“If you want to really atone for your past, live the best life you can now,” she says, her voice full of care and compassion. “You can do so much good, Catra, but you have to be good to yourself, too. It’s like with all of these plants.” She rests a hand in the soft grass, and gestures for Catra to do the same. “Every single one of these plants grows strong and bears good fruit, but only because they get the nutrients that they need. Without the nutrients, they would get sick.”

And then, they sit in silence. Sometimes, Catra asks Perfuma a question about meditation or healing or guilt, and Perfuma answers her questions calmly and with great care. Other times, when Catra doesn’t feel like she can say anything, they sit in silence, and she enjoys the wind ruffling her short hair. She feels the grass beneath her, and the world begins to have a sense of security for Catra. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by all of the goodness around her, she begins to integrate into it.

They do that for every day that Catra is there, and it slowly starts to help. She starts to understand what Perfuma is telling her, and she starts to feel like healing is a possibility.

When Catra returns to Brightmoon, with Perfuma raving about her progress like a proud teacher, things are looking up. She’s up to eating two meals a day, and sleeping for about six hours a night. It isn’t perfect, but it’s a start.

She arrives there around midday, when the princesses are having a meeting. She tells Perfuma that they shouldn’t interrupt, but the flower princess will have none of it. Instead, she pushes Catra through the door and follows in.

She further announces their presence by exclaiming, “We’re here!” and all attention is turned towards Catra. 

Scorpia is the first to react, throwing herself towards Catra and enveloping her in one of her signature hugs.

“Oh Wildcat! I’m so glad that you’re back! And look at you, with color back in your fur! You look great!”

Surprisingly, Mermista is the next to greet her. “We’re happy that staying with Perfuma helped you, or whatever,” she says, her voice monotone as always. But when Catra meets her eyes, there’s a genuine concern there that makes her feel warm.

The other princesses act in kind, offering their support to her. Glimmer and Bow both hug her, saying how she’s invited to breakfast in the morning if she wants.

“I can’t believe I missed eating with Horde scum,” the queen tells her, jabbing her in the side with her elbow.

“I can’t believe I missed eating with Sparkles and Arrow Boy,” Catra bites back, but her smile betrays her.

She sits down next to Adora. Neither of them say anything to one another, even as the meeting starts back up again. The blonde just grabs Catra’s hand and gives it a comforting squeeze, and they both understand.

The first morning she’s back, she wakes up to Adora holding her close. She’s pressed up against the blonde’s chest, so she cuddles closer to try and get more warmth. Her body relaxes into the cuddle, and she feels at peace.

“Morning, Catra,” Adora murmurs as she buries her head into Catra’s neck.

“Mornin’,” she replies. “I missed this.”

“Me too.”

They stay that way for a little while longer, but eventually Adora’s stomach starts to growl, which makes both girls laugh.

Catra sits up, leaning forward on her elbows to look at her girlfriend. “Sounds like someone is ready for breakfast.”

Adora smiles sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess so.” She climbs out of bed and starts looking through her drawers for an outfit. “Are you… gonna join us?”

Neither girl misses the hesitation in her words, but Catra pretends that she did. “Yeah, I just need a few more minutes to wake up. But I’ll be there, promise.”

The blonde smiles, and Catra’s heart flutters.

When Catra finally does make it down to breakfast, the other three members of the Best Friends Squad are already eating. When she enters, they all look up at her.

Bow greets her first.

“Catra!” he exclaims, a smile on his face, “it’s good to see you for breakfast! You really do look better.”

“I feel better,” she says, and she means it. Her body doesn’t ache anymore, and she isn’t dizzy whenever she turns too quickly. She feels refreshed, rested, and lighter.

“That’s good,” Glimmer says softly, and Catra knows that she means it. “We’re all really glad that you’re rested and healthier.”

Catra sits down next to Adora, who just offers her a proud smile.

As she digs into breakfast with her best friends, Catra realizes two very important things:

One, is that she still has a long way to go before she’s really recovered from everything.

Two, is that she’ll get there. She knows it.