Finally. Brittany sat in the pews with her feet shaking of energy with Sam giving her a confused yet adoring look beside her; while she was happy for Mr. Schue & Ms. Pillsbury, she knew the reason for her excited feet was due to a specific RSVP she noticed in a pile in the choir room weeks ago. Her and Tina were helping organize the wedding invitations into yes and no piles; it was taking them longer than expected since every time they saw a name they recognized they would wonder what that person was up to or shared embarrassing stories of them. Two names stood out to them and both shared sad smiles seeing the invitations of the people they once loved or still love. Since seeing the too familiar handwriting, her body hasn’t stopped buzzing. She hasn’t seen or spoken to Santana since that day in the auditorium, and while she’s been preoccupied with actually trying to pass her Senior year and Sam’s goofy impressions, she hasn’t stopped thinking about her. Her goal for today was simple: find Santana and tell her the truth.
She looked side-to-side and to everyone who walked past her pew and still no sign; she tried to listen extra hard to find her voice, but failed miserably. She took her coat off as the perfect excuse to look around and find those brown eyes. It didn’t take long to find her. She sat a couple rows directly behind her looking as beautiful as ever, so much so that Brittany’s heart stopped forcing her to take a quiet yet deep breath. Sam noticed and turned to see the two girls and offered a small wave; while Brittany wanted desperately to stand up and go give Santana the biggest hug ever, she sat there with a shy smile and gave the girls a small wave as well. Her heart ached seeing Santana’s forced smile and a protective Quinn sitting next to her; feeling less excited as before and more nervous than ever, she turned back around and half listened to Sam’s rambling until the church was filled with music and people turning in their seats. She was so busy thinking about her previous interaction and what she should’ve and could’ve done, that she literally forgot why she was there; she heard several gasps as Sue walked down the aisle, but Brittany snapped a picture to help her remember her special day. Sue and Mr. Schue’s wedding. Oh wait.
After an awkward and abrupt end to the wedding, everyone was directed to the reception area; Brittany tried finding Santana in the sea of red heads, old and new members of New Directions, and random old people. She wanted to find her as soon as possible, not wanting to waste another second without Santana knowing how she really felt. As Sam held her hand and helped guide her to the table filled with the other seniors in New Directions, she felt guilty thinking of Santana so much when she really did have a great guy next to her who made her laugh on some really bad days. But Brittany and Sam were alike in so many ways: blonde, funny, talented, and both using each other to get over girls who left them and broke their hearts. Sam wasn’t over Mercedes, and Brittany wasn’t over Santana that’s why the pair worked so well together; we were just a temporary fix in each other’s lives, she was sure of it because she caught Sam looking at Mercedes with sad, loving eyes. While she tried to distract herself by listening to Artie and Tina try and figure out how crazy Sue actually was, she finally saw her again. She half stood and then sat back down, taking in what she saw in front of her. Santana smiling and laughing. A very different look than the last time she saw her. Brittany’s eyes swelled with tears, as much as she wanted to go tell Santana that she still loved her, she didn’t want that smile to end and her night be filled with drama. So, Brittany forced herself to turn around and went back to pretending to care about the conversations and willing herself to laugh; she noticed Sam turn to see what she was previously looking at, grabbed her hand, and gave her a sad but reassuring smile.
The rest of the night was miserable, but she hid it well for the most part. She danced eccentrically as she always does and even helped sing some songs; often looking towards Santana and Quinn seeing them drink more and more wine until one of them left to the restroom. While she had told herself before to not confront Santana, she couldn't help her feet as they followed her to the restroom. So close.
“Stop. What are you doing?” Quinn looked at her angrily, but then her expression changed once she really looked at Brittany; as mad as Quinn wanted to be after hearing Santana cry for hours over the phone, she didn’t have the heart to be mean to Brittany who looked just as hurt as the other girl she had been comforting. “I missed you, you know?” Quinn said as she hugged the other blonde. “But you can’t do this to her,” Brittany looked confused as Quinn continued to speak, “she’s just starting to be okay, I don’t think she can handle the slightest bit of heartbreak.” Brittany choked back tears wanting to explain that all she wanted to do was to love Santana, but Quinn knew what she was trying to say; she had gotten pretty good at reading Brittany’s emotions, never as good as Santana, but good enough. Quinn gave her another hug and wiped away any loose tears that somehow managed to escape; she then grabbed her shoulders, turned her around and back into the direction of her table of friends who were trying not to stare at the interaction happening, and gave her a slight push. As she was a couple of feet from her chair, she turned around to see Santana standing next to Quinn looking as if she saw enough to understand what was happening; Brittany gave her a questioning look asking with her eyes for a moment to talk, but the other girl looked down and tugged Quinn back to the bar. Brittany sat down and looked at her hands on her lap for what seemed like forever to avoid the looks on her friends faces; she knew that if she looked up she would've started crying and she didn’t know if she’d ever stop.
After a couple of songs, Sam grabbed Britany’s hand and pulled her to the dance floor; it was a sad love song, and it was perfect because she was definitely sad to say the least. Sam held her close and Brittany leaned into his shoulder allowing for some of those tears that she was desperately trying to hold in, fall onto his blazer. She let out shaky breaths, but that little meltdown was exactly what she needed. She thanked him with a squeeze of his shoulder and he smiled, but it quickly disappeared as he tried to steer her away from where he was looking. Brittany stopped dancing and looked anyway. Santana’s head was on Quinn’s shoulder as they slow danced, she could see Santana’s cheeks blushing to match the color of her dress and even Quinn looked a little flustered? Her eyes darted between the two girls who couldn’t stop giggling and whose hands were touching each other with more intensity; she finally understood what was happening, and she didn’t like where it was going. So she ran. She grabbed her purse said a few, quick goodbye’s and promises to see them at breakfast the next morning, and ran. Luckily for her the reception was in the hotel that her and many other members were staying at; she even had a room to herself, in case things had went well with Santana. Sam had followed her quietly, and stopped her before she could make it into her room.
“Do you want me to stay with you?” Sam said with sad eyes and his hands holding hers; while it was hard to see Mercedes today, he didn’t have to see the girl he loved dance with someone else. She softly shook her head no, and brought him in for a hug; while it did make her feel a bit better, she knew it wasn’t what she wanted or needed. So she’d rather be alone. She went inside her room and changed into comfy clothes and rolled her eyes when she realized none of what she was wearing were actually hers. The old gym shirt with Lopez on the back and the red shorts she specifically remembers borrowing one night and never giving back. She sighed and let herself fall into the hotel bed; she actually really disliked sleeping at hotels, something about the fact that so many people that she didn’t know had stepped into that same room grossed her out. The only time she liked them were during competitions, when she could play pillow fights with her friends during the day and sleep next to Santana with their legs intertwined at night. She shook her head as if she was forcing the girl out of her head, but with no luck. She thought about her for the rest of the night: if she was doing okay, what her favorite song was right now, how New York was treating her; she wondered so much that she didn’t realize she fell asleep, once again dreaming of her favorite person in the world.
She woke up to her phone and obnoxious ringtone blaring next to her ear, she didn’t answer the phone call not trusting her voice after the night of crying; shortly after, Sam texted asking her if she was coming to breakfast, or he could bring food up to her. She texted back right away and jumped into the shower to wash away any tears or messed up mascara; while she was not super excited to see everyone after her minor outburst last night, she knew that it would be her last chance to see Santana in God knows how long. As much as they’ve hurt each other over the past few years, she would never miss a chance to see her; she could spend hours being sad and hurt, but Santana could say one thing right and it would make the whole day worth it. She put on her Cheerio’s sweatpants and decided on a hoodie similar to the t-shirt she wore last night with the name Lopez on the back. Walking the slowest she’s ever walked, she finally made it downstairs to the breakfast area where a couple of her Glee friends had already gathered, but not the girl she was looking for. She grabbed some fruit and yogurt, and debated on grabbing a bagel with cream cheese, but then she fondly remembered how Santana always made her bagels extra special and hers being the best. She grabbed dry cereal instead and made her way to sit next to Sam; he looked at her worriedly, holding her hand trying to tell her to stay strong without using any words. She was okay. And then she heard her.
She wasn’t talking loud, but she could recognize that morning voice anywhere. She tried to busy herself by eating her cereal slowly and thoughtfully until she came into view and forced a weak smile while everyone else was excited to see them. She saved a seat next to her for Santana, but her and Quinn chose the farthest spot from her at the corner near Mercedes and Tina; Mike sat next to her instead, and gave her a side hug silently understanding why she wasn’t as lively like her usual self. It really was good to see everyone though, so she perked up a bit when she heard embarrassing stories about life in New York or the numbers Mr. Schue made them do in Glee Club; every so often Brittany looked towards Santana hoping she was looking at her too, but her eyes seemed to be on everyone else’s. Things started to quiet down until Mercedes asked where Santana and Quinn went last night after they randomly disappeared; Brittany tried her best to hear without anyone noticing, but ended up just staring at the four while they talked.
“Uhmm…” Brittany could hear the uncertainty in both her friends voices; “we just went back to my room and watched some lame movies on tv, and ya know talked about life,” Santana had said trying to sound casual. And that’s when Quinn blushed. Hard. Her blushing reminded her of when her cheeks use to get so hot when someone would catch them… She looked at Quinn more, and realized what she was wearing: Santana’s clothes. She could feel the tears already forming from the truth that she didn’t want to believe until she heard Mercedes speak again.
“What? No way. I tried calling each of you at least three times and no one ever answered,” Mercedes looked at them not understanding until it slowly hit her when the girls looked extra guilty and she grinned so huge. “You guys were too busy hooking up!” she finished her previous thought in a half yell and half whisper. Everyone at the table looked at the two girls blushing in the corner with eyes shocked and some making cat calling noises approving of the hook up; while people were trying to question them, I abruptly stood up forcing all the attention towards me. I had shocked everyone, even the two girls in the corner who looked towards me with what seemed like guilt in their eyes; while Sam tried to get me to sit back down, I nudged him and my chair away and my brain didn’t even register what I was doing. I walked around the table, everyone was silent, scared to even breathe, and I did something I only dreamed of doing to Finn when he outed Santana a year ago. I slapped Quinn. Although I was only looking at the two girls in the corner, I could feel everyone staring not believing what they just saw. Once she gathered herself, Santana stood up and pushed me away from the other blonde who’s hand was comforting her red cheek.
“Brittany, what the hell?” Santana said angrily but with her sad eyes that I could once fix with some kisses. But not now. I took a deep breath in and just walked away. I knew she wanted to cry, but I also knew that she would never in front of that many of her friends unless she was drunk. I could hear loud thumps behind me until I felt Sam grabbing me by the shoulders. I think he was trying to find the right thing to say or the right question to ask, but he just kept looking at me with his soft, worried eyes.
Before he had the chance, I gave him my extra key card and told him my room number. “Go back there and tell them I only want to talk to one person. She should know who she is.” If he were Santana in that moment, he would know exactly what to say and do, but he wasn’t; so with one last sad look, he went and did what I asked while I ran up to my room. “Did I really just slap Quinn?” sometimes I have to say things out loud to know that they are true, and that definitely did happen.
///
Santana finally sat back down after watching the girl she loved (still love?) slap the blonde next to her. It really was a good slap too, poor Quinn her cheek is going to be red for awhile. She looked at her trying to say sorry for whatever just happened, but the blonde just laughed shakily while others looked at her very much confused and scared.
“I guess at least now you don’t have to question whether or not she still loves you,” I shook my head in disbelief as that was the first thing she said after what she just went through. I gave her a side hug while resting my head on her shoulder, still tired from the events of yesterday, last night, and now this morning. Everyone else was quiet, until Sam walked back with a loud sigh; we all looked up and he was twirling something in his hand, with one last sigh he threw it towards the middle of the table. A key card? He looked directly at me and told everyone how Brittany only wanted to speak to one person, which obviously wasn’t him since he looked sadder than usual but not completely heartbroken like I thought he would be. I stayed put and looked away from the card hoping that it would magically go away if I looked at the wall for long enough. All of a sudden I felt Mercedes’ hand grab mine from across the table, then Quinn’s hand on my lap squeezing my thigh hoping it would give me some courage; I finally looked at the card, and as much as I didn’t want to, I knew what I had to do.
I grabbed the card and was about to make my way to Brittany’s room until I stopped to pause and think. “Wait Sam, I don’t know how long this is going to take, do you need to grab your things from you guys’ room?” I asked Sam quietly and patiently waiting for a response. Nothing. Blaine got up and gently grabbed me by the shoulders and started walking with me explaining how Sam and Brittany got separate rooms. I looked at him very confused with my eyebrows scrunched, but he just offered a small wink and a quick hug and shoved me on my way. I looked at the exit of the hotel and was very close to just walking away and not looking back. I mean that’s what she basically told me to do in the auditorium, right? As much as I know that walking away would be a lot easier than facing Brittany, I was reminded of how sad and angry and hurt she looked when slapping Quinn; I couldn’t stand knowing that I somehow hurt her again, even if all I’ve been trying to do is give her the space to be happy. With Sam. Talking to Brittany use to be so easy, even when I couldn’t say what I was really feeling, I would show her with a hug or song or even a kiss; but now? Everything’s different, what if we can’t ever be friends again? I was too busy thinking so much that I didn’t even realize I was already at her room. I could still walk away, but before I could change my mind I knocked on the door weakly before opening the door with the key card.
///
She heard the knock and the door open, but she thought her mind was playing tricks on her; and then she smelled a familiar scent, and thought she really was going crazy. But then she felt a shaky hand move loose strands of hair from her face and her eyes shot open to see a scared and confused girl in her room. She wanted to say how much she still loved her, how she made a mistake, how she only told Santana to go to New York so she wasn’t waiting for this Lima Loser. But she didn’t say any of those things. She just scooted over her bed a little with arms hesitantly open, not really sure if the sad girl would take her invitation. She could hear the girl’s brain debating what this meant, but after a moment she joined the blonde in bed settling herself in a position that felt like muscle memory to them. Both were too scared to speak right away, so they spent a very long time in that position sobbing, letting tears fall easily, but never moving away from each other. But all good things come to an end. Just like their relationship.
Before being able to stop her from ruining the moment, Santana sat up and wiped away any remaining tears and cleared her throat, finding the courage to finally speak. “Britt, we have to be out of our rooms by noon and we need to talk. You need to talk. Why did you slap Quinn?” Santana said as she tried to suppress any sobs trying to escape. Brittany was really trying hard to answer, but she didn't want to make anything worse between the two. So she just shrugged her shoulders and laid back down. “I went back to fight for you. And you told me to walk away. Actually you didn’t tell me, you basically forced me away. You told me you loved Sam, and that I wasn’t good enough for you,” they were both crying at that point as Santana forced out the last words. I still couldn’t answer, so she was getting up to leave when I grabbed her arm.
I cleared my throat, it felt like it was burning and like there were giant rocks in it not letting me speak. “Actually I never said I loved Sam, and I definitely never said that you weren’t good enough for me,” Brittany hesitated but continued when she realized the other girl wasn’t going to say anything. “I told you to go somewhere as big and as hot as you, because I love you. I was holding you back, and that’s not fair because you really are special, Santana. You are crazy talented, and a really good person even if you don’t want anyone to know,” as hard as it is for her to speak, she knows she has to say that before it’s too late. “I’m a Lima Loser. I don’t deserve you,” before she could say anything else she felt lips press onto hers. As much as she told herself to stop because of Sam, she couldn’t; this is what she’s needed for so long.