Ellie is awoken by the soft whimpers and sounds next to her. The sun outside shines through the window just enough to land on Dina and JJ, Dina still fast asleep. The little one stirs some more before slowly opening his eyes and looking up at Ellie who is now sitting up, leaning against the headboard.
“Hello there,” she whispers, reaching for him “can’t sleep?”
He starts babbling at her, and when he brings his chubby hands to her face, she falls in love all over again. Never in her life had she imagined she’d ever get something like this. A home. Someone who loved her unconditionally. Ellie struggled everyday to realize just that, trying to leave everything else that happened behind. She wanted to make sure JJ never ever had to endure the things that she and Dina had endured.
“Let’s not wake up mama.”
The floor boards creeks as she walks down the stairs, JJ safe and sound in her arms. The sun was just about to rise, shining through the windows making the living room a beautiful shade of bright orange and yellow. She grabs her jacket Haninge by the door, slowly pushes it open and shuts the screendoor after her.
Often when JJ wakes up in the middle of the night, she brings him out here. To watch the stars, or maybe pet the sheep. Ellie enjoys the quiet time with her baby boy, just the two of them. Not that the doesnt love Dina, she does, more than anything, but sometimes she just needs to get her feet back on the ground. And JJ is the perfect reminder as to why she’s still around.
She sits down on the swinging bench, being careful not to make too much sound. The sun is just about to rise over the horizon, and she turns her baby boy around in her arms so he can get a good look.
“Look at that Jay,” she points towards the sunrise, “isn’t it beautiful. Just like your mama.” He babbles away in agreement with her, looking at the sun in awe. Something else quickly catches his attention though. A cat. He wiggles in Ellie’s arms and manages to slip through, running with the best of his abilities. His chubby legs betray him and he falls into Ellie’s waiting arms. She places him on one of her knees while she crouches to look at the cat.
“Don’t run, you’ll scare it.” She tells him. The cat sits on the porch in front of them, watching them, JJ in particular. Ellie carefully brings her hand down by her side, still holding onto JJ. She purses her lips and makes a quiet kissing sound, gaining the cats interest. It’s fur is black almost everywhere, save for a tiny white spot under his chin. JJ is mesmerized, eyes wide open while he watches the tiny creature. It walks over to Ellie, takes a quick whiff at her hand and meows. JJ squeals in excitement and reaches for the cat. The cat jumps at his try to touch it and It’s gone in a flash, so fast It leaves Jay confused.
“You have to be careful, jay.” Ellie says, “it got scared and ran off.” JJ looks up at his mom, still confused. He wiggles in her arms desperate to be in the familiar warmth of her embrace. He just wanted to pet the kitten, did it not like him?
“Come on JJ, that’s enough action for today.” Ellie goes inside, shuts the door and prepares for the day ahead.
•
She’s coming back from checking the traps when she spots the horse. Dina walks out on the porch and greets her with a warm smile and a hug, almost as if she was waiting for her.
“Hi,” she breathes after pulling away, “Caught anything exciting today?” She asks. Ellie shrugs, “nah. Just a rabbit,” she gestures to the horse, “who’s here?”
Dina stiffens. She grabs Ellie’s hand and leads her inside. Somewhere deep down, she knows who’s here. She’s known this day would come, but no matter how much she’s prepared herself for it ellie knows it’s something she’s not ready for.
“Tommy.”
He sits in one of the kitchen chairs, JJ in his lap. Seeing him brings back everything again. Everything she’s fought so hard to leave behind.
“He’s gettin’ heavy, yeah?” Tommy lifts JJ up in the air, making them both laugh. “Ain’t you, baby boy?”
Ellie doesn’t answer. Dina senses the tension, and reaches out to grab Jay. “I’ll take him, you two need to talk.”
“Alright then, straight to the point I guess.” He says with a crooked smile, giving Dina her son.
Dina looks at Ellie reassuringly before walking away out the back.
“What are you doing here?” It comes out more harsh then she initially intended. But she doesn’t care, all she cares about is for him to say what he needs to say and then leave.
“Look,” he starts, “I know you said you was done with your past. I understand that. I do, but hear me out.” He reaches into his backpack and brings out a map and places it on the table. “I talked to someone coming through Jackson a couple o’ weeks ago. ‘Says he saw a woman, built like an ox traveling with a kid who had scars across his face.” He points to a circled spot on the map. “Now here-“
“Stop.”
She looks him right in the eyes. “I’m not doing this again. I’m done.”
“Ellie-“
“No.”
He looks at her, and brings his hand to hers. “Don’t fucking touch me.” She snaps. And he doesn’t. Instead he opens his mouth. “I thought you wanted justice for him. I truly did. Turns out you gave up, huh?” He’s no longer here for JJ or her. Maybe he never was. The mood turns cold and mean and he continues. “You just gonna let her walk free? After all she’s done?” He questions, “I thought you had more honor. More courage. I guess I was wrong.”
She takes it. She sits there and takes it. Not one thing he could ever say would make her change her mind. She’s tired. And she’s done. Leaving it behind made her a different person. And she doesn’t regret it.
“You done?” She says. He shakes his head,
“think about what he would’ve wanted. This is your last chance.”
“No,” her voice shakes unsteadily, but she continues, “this, right here, is my last chance. Dina and Jay. As undeserving as I am, I got this chance for some reason. And I’m never leaving them behind.” The words hang in the air. Tommy doesn’t say anything after that. Neither does she. A moment passes by, and Ellie sighs. “I try everyday to leave it in the past. Don’t you think i dream about him? Miss him?,” she feels tears burn in her eyes, “and I think about her too. Oh, how I wish I could kill her. Watch her as she takes her last breaths. But it’s not worth it.”
Her panic attacks leave her riddled with anxiety every day. She dreams about killing her, strangling the life out of her. she always wakes up sweating and in tears, Dina and Jay sound asleep beside her, reminding her yet again that it’s not worth it. She stands up and walks towards him.
“I’m done, Tommy. I just hope that you can find it in you to appreciate and enjoy the life you have now.” She puts her hand on his shoulder. “goodbye, Tommy. Come back soon, yeah?”
She joins Dina and her baby boy out back, snakes her arms around her love, kisses her shoulder and closes her eyes. This is where she belongs.
•
Time goes by too quick in Ellie’s opinion, and their baby boy just keeps growing with it. In a couple days he’ll turn two, and Dina is ecstatic. They’re bringing him to Jackson, to Tommy and to Jesse's parents, and to
Joel. Dina and Ellie both agreed it was time.
But first, it’s feeding time. Ellie thinks it’s probably the favorite part of JJ’s day. The sheep are small enough for him to reach, and surprisingly they don’t run away from him. In fact, they seem to enjoy it. So, she leaves Jay to pet the sheep, grabs a bucket of grain and empties it in the feeding tins inside the stable.
Some sheep are hungrier than others and they come running. Some stay behind and graze the grass. She looks for Jay and finds him sitting on the grass, petting and talking to some of the sheep that gathered around him. When he sees her he quickly gets up and stumbles across the grass, reaching for his mama.
”Hey baby boy,” ellie lifts him up and plants kisses all over his face, getting a giggle out of him. “Let’s go inside and eat breakfast, yeah?”
Inside, Dina’s just finishing up. She puts the bread in the toaster, packs up the sandwiches she’s made for the trip and places the eggs she’s made for breakfast on the kitchen table. She hears her son babble away outside and feels her heart swell with love. Ellie walks into the kitchen, JJ on her hip.
“Hey babe,” she gives Jay to Dina, kisses her on the cheek and grabs some plates for them. They eat their breakfast in peace, talking and taking turns feeding JJ. It’s nothing special really, just a family eating breakfast. But it makes Ellie all warm Inside and she almost has to pinch herself to make sure it’s not a dream.
Sure, she struggles daily to cope with the past. To accept it. But if she has a purpose in life, this is it. Raising Jay with Dina is everything she’s ever wanted.
•