Chapter 10
Jennie was 20 years old when she accepted that the anger would never fade away…
Jennie sighed as the alarm clock on her nightstand started going off. She turned over and buried her head in her pillow, wishing the sound away. It had been another long, sleepless night and Jennie was not ready to start her day. She heard her room door being slamming against the wall as her pissed off roommate stormed in. “Seriously Jennie? Again? How many times do I have to ask you to turn your alarm clock off before it wakes up everyone else in the dorm?” she seethed, as she furiously pressed the off button on the alarm. Jennie ignored her, as she always did.
Jisoo starred down at Jennie’s form, still laying below her blanket, before seeing she would get no reply. She felt her anger seep away to be replaced by pity. “You can’t keep going like this. Something’s going to have to change eventually”, she told her, her voice much softer than before. She turned on her feet and left the room.
Jennie had to stop herself from going after her and starting a shouting match, which was her go-to nowadays. Deep down, she knew Jisoo was right. It wasn’t fair what she was doing. To herself or to others. Especially to Jisoo who had been unbelievably kind and understanding ever since she had first arrived there. It had been almost half a year since she first arrived at NYU, ready for a fresh start. Her mom had wanted her to study somewhere closer to home but Jennie had insisted on continuing with her and Lisa's plans of moving to New York. She felt she owed her that.
She was starting to wonder if maybe her mom had been right after all. Maybe she wasn’t ready. When she had first moved into her new dorm, Jisoo had already been there, waiting to greet her new roommate. She had been so cheerful and outgoing and funny and Jennie had immediately liked her, her sense of humor reminding her of Lisa. She remembered looking forward to getting to know her better only to be overtaken by a strong sense of guilt and anger. How could she be thinking about having fun and making new friends when Lisa would never be able to do any of those things again?
She knew it didn’t make sense. Lisa would have wanted her to move on, to be happy but every time she started to do so, the memory of her would come to the forefront of her mind and she would start thinking about how Lisa should be there by her side, experiencing all these things with her. Knowing that would never happen just made her angry at the world and she would take her anger out on anyone around. It was like an endless cycle and Jennie could see no way out.
She had accepted that she would simply spend the four years of college waking up, going to her classes, and going back to her dorm, her temper making it impossible for her to truly make friends. She’d tried multiple times but she always ended up pushing them away when the guilt inevitably rolled around and her angry outbursts started. She would go from feeling happy and laughing to wanting to slam her fist against the nearest surface, skin burning at the injustice of the world. She had eventually come to the decision that isolating herself would be the best option for everyone.
It had taken almost four months of Jennie’s constants refusals before Jisoo had finally given up on her and stopped inviting her to hang out or go places. She knew something must have happened to her roommate and wanted to be there for her but didn’t know how to.
Jennie didn’t know what to do. After months of talking to no one besides the daily calls with her mother, she was drowning in loneliness. She looked at her classmates laughing and talking with their friends and longed to be there with them. But another part of her hated them for being so happy. She wanted all of them to be as miserable as her. It felt wrong to her that the world should keep turning without Lisa in it.
She looked at the clock and sighed when she saw she had been laying around for half an hour already and her class had already started. She knew she should be scrambling around, gathering her things, and running off to the building her class was in, but she just didn’t have it in her to care. She didn’t seem to care for much anymore. She stood up and lazily made her way to her closet, throwing on the first pair of jeans and t-shirt she saw before grabbing her bag and making her way out of the dorm building.
She walked towards the main building where her sociology class was located. It was a quick, five-minute walk and before long, she was standing outside the classroom door. She quietly opened the door and sat at the closest seat available, ignoring the looks her classmates and professor were shooting her, as she arrived late once again. Ms. Jessica, her professor, gazed at her for a moment longer before returning to her previous lecture.
Jennie watched as everyone around her wrote down notes but she just couldn’t be bothered to. She starred at the clock that hung on the wall as she waited for the class to end, wanting to be back in her bed. After what seemed like an eternity, Ms. Jessica finally reached the end of her lecture and dismissed the class. “I’ll see you all tomorrow. Ms. Kim, please stay behind.”
Jennie bit back her urge to roll her eyes at the request. She made her way down the stairs and stood by her desk, waiting as she stood by the door and waved goodbye at every student as they left. Once the last student was gone, Ms. Jessica walked back to her desk. She sat down on top of it and looked at her, a pensive expression on her face. “Jennie, I’m going to be frank with you”, she said, dropping all formalities. “You’re constantly late to class, you never seem to pay attention, and you have at least two papers that are overdue. If you don’t change things around soon, you probably won’t be here next semester.”
Jennie couldn't be bothered about what she was saying until she got to the last part. Panic started to fill her at the idea of being kicked out. This was the school she had chosen alongside Lisa. The school they had applied to together. It felt like an insult to her memory for Jennie to throw their dream away. She nodded her acknowledgment at her words before making her way to the door, clenching her fists as the idea of being kicked out lingered in her mind. She knew her professor was just trying to help her but that didn’t make any difference as the familiar anger drummed beneath her skin, itching to get out.
She had to get back to her room before she did something she’d regret later. She decided to leave the building using the back way, which led to a barely used parking lot, as almost no one came that way and she didn’t want to see anyone. Her wish, however, went unanswered as she was just leaving the building when she saw it.
Jisoo was leaning against a car with a guy she recognized from her high school leaning over her. She didn’t know his name, as he had been two years younger than her and she had only seen him in the hallway. Since NYU had a large campus and Jennie barely left her room, she didn’t see him often but whenever she did, she did her best to avoid him, not wanting anything to do with anyone from her hometown.
She started to leave but something about the way Jisoo was leaning back as if trying to create space between them both, caught Jennie’s attention. She wanted nothing more than to rush back to her dorm but something kept her standing there, watching. She was too far away to hear what they were saying but by the guy’s expression, she could tell he had heard something he didn’t want to hear.
Jisoo made a move to leave but the guy grasped her arm and shoved her back in place, with her back against the door. Jennie knew that neither of them had seen her yet and that she could probably leave before they ever realized she had been there but the scared look on Jisoo's face kept her standing there. She hesitated for a few seconds longer before quickly walking over to them, silently hoping the guy wouldn’t recognize her. She tapped the guy on his back to get his attention. “Excuse me. It seems my friend doesn’t want you here so why don’t you leave before I go get a professor”, she told him, trying to get him to leave quietly.
The guy looked Jennie up and down before smirking. “You don’t have to be jealous. You can join us if you want”. He told her while leering at her. Jennie glared at him, doing her best to push her rising anger down. “Thanks, but no thanks. You’re not my type. Or hers.” The guy didn’t respond, starring at Jennie like he was trying to place her. His eyes widened in recognition a few seconds later. “Wait a minute, I know you. You’re one of those faggot girls from high school, aren’t you? You were dating that chic who was killed.”
Jennie’s anger threatened to come rushing out at his words. She ignored Jisoo's gasp at the revelation and the blood running down her hands from where her nails had broken skin from clenching her hands into fists so tightly. She glared at him, eyes full of hatred. “Her name was Lisa. Now I advise you to leave before I make you”, she told him through clenched teeth. The guy didn’t seem to see the dangerous aura that surrounded Jennie as he let go of Jisoo's arm and turned to face her completely.
He smirked at her, oblivious to the red flags that were pointing at him to leave as soon as possible. “Who cares about her name. She’s gone, thanks to that father of hers. I can’t really blame him for what he did. I mean, she’s the one who decided to become one of them. If she had simply been normal, she would still be here.” He opened his mouth to say something else but was silenced by the almost crazy look in her eyes. It seemed like his survival instincts were still somewhat intact after all, as he started backing away. Unfortunately, it was already too late and he didn’t get far before an almost animalistic growl came out of Jennie as she threw herself on top of him. He didn’t stand a chance as she immediately started throwing punch after punch, hitting him relentlessly, deaf to the screams that came from Jisoo, begging her to stop.
Jennie’s mind had gone blank after hearing his words and she had no recollection of what had happened but the next thing she knew, there were arms wrapped around her waist, dragging her off of the guy. Her senses came back as she grew aware of the situation once more. Jisoo was kneeling over the guy, whose face was a bloody mess. She was checking to see if he was still breathing and yelling at Jennie to call 911. Jennie gazed at the guy’s unrecognizable face in shock and then looked down at her bloody hands. She ignored Jisoo's shouts and quickly ran all the way back to her dorm building.
She stumbled into her dorm and made her way to the bathroom. She turned the faucet on and started washing her hands aggressively, desperate to wash away the blood. Jennie stood there for almost 15 minutes, long after the blood had gone down the drain, trying to erase the ghost feeling of it coating her hands. She looked up and saw her reflection in the mirror for the first time and she almost gasped at the sight of it.
Blood had splattered up and had now dried on her face. But that wasn’t the thing that shocked her. It was the look in her eyes. The eyes that were staring back at her were those of a stranger. It scared her, to realize that if Jisoo hadn’t been there, she wouldn’t have stopped. She hadn’t just wanted to hurt him; she’d wanted to kill him. The sight of his blood had made her want to draw out more. Because, somewhere in her messed-up mind, the guy’s face had started to look like Lisa's father and like every other person in their small-minded town that had spent years judging and hating them.
She’d spent years biting her tongue back and allowing other people’s opinions to simply wash over her, but hearing him speak so callously of Lisa had made her lose control in a way she never had before. She washed the blood off her face before making her way to her room and sitting down on her bed, still in a daze after what had happened.
Seeing what she had done made her realize that maybe this anger had been a part of her for a lot longer than she had first thought. Maybe it had been buried deep inside her ever since she moved to a small town full of close-minded, ignorant people, and it had slowly been growing little by little as she and Rose were belittled and ignored year after year, treated like criminals and outcasts just because they had dared to love each other. Being made to feel like they had committed the biggest sin just for being themselves. Watching their friends leave them, one after another until they only had each other left. Maybe the anger was the result of all those years of hate and she hadn’t realized it before because she had always had Lisa there. Lisa who was so full of love and laughter that the anger had been kept buried deep down. And now that she was gone, it had come running to the surface, much stronger than ever before.
It truly scared her, knowing what she was capable of. She hated the person she had become. The person who didn’t care about anything or anyone and had a vicious streak. The person who liked to hurt people. But the worst thing was that she knew Lisa would have hated that person too.
The incident finally made Jennie realize that she couldn’t go on living like this. She hated to admit it but she knew she needed help. She thought she could cope alone but she couldn’t. Not if she didn’t want to end up alone for the rest of her life. The realization made her start to cry and she buried her face in her hands as sobs wracked her body, washing away the numbness that had surrounded her for so long.
That was how Jisoo found her a few hours later when she entered Jennie’s room. She stood in the door for a few seconds, shocked at seeing her usually callous roommate crying her eyes out. She hadn’t known what to expect but it certainly hadn’t been this. She starred at her for a few seconds before rushing in, sitting down next to her on the bed and enveloping her shaking body in her arms. She stayed there and held her crying roommate until Jennie’s sobs finally came to a stop, aside from the occasional hiccup. Jennie sat up, breaking the embrace. She looked at Jisoo, embarrassed for her to have seen her in such a vulnerable position.
“What happened? Is he going to be okay?” she asked hesitantly, not sure she really wanted to know. Jisoo smiled reassuringly at her. “Don’t worry, he’s fine. He stopped breathing for a minute there and his face is definitely going to take some time to go back to how it looked but he’ll make a full recovery. I went to the hospital with him. And before you ask, you’re going to be fine too. I had a little talk with him once he woke up about how it would be a bad idea for him to go to the cops considering I could accuse him of sexual harassment thanks to his previous actions. Technically speaking, your actions were worse and would get you in bigger problems but he doesn’t need to know that.” She chuckled.
Jennie stared at her in disbelief. “I think you’re forgetting I’m a law student”, Jisoo clarified, mistaking her disbelief for being at how she managed to manipulate him into silence. Jennie shook her head. “Why would you do that. I mean, God knows I’ve been nothing but a bitch to you ever since we met. I thought you would have gone to the cops yourself.”
Jisoo smiled sadly at her. “I’m not stupid. I knew you’d been through something; I just didn’t know what. Hearing him talk about this Lisa girl. I’m just really sorry you had to go through that. Besides, I know you’re not a bad person. You’re just someone who’s had a lot of bad things happen to them.”
Jennie was still unconvinced. “Besides, who knows what he would have done to me. You saved me when you didn’t have to.” Jennie looked at the floor, not convinced she deserved such kindness from someone she had treated so badly. “I’m sorry. For being such a bad roommate. I’m going to try to do better from now on.”
Jisoo smiled and threw her arms around her, dragging her into a hug. It wasn’t long before she jumped up from the bed and made her way out the door, mumbling something about ice. She came back a few seconds later with two ice packs in her hand and sat back next to Jennie, taking her hands and putting them on top of her knuckles. “That’s definitely going to bruise”, she stated, her smile not leaving her face despite her bleak comment.
And Jennie couldn’t help but laugh as she remembered why Jisoo had reminded her so much of Lisa when she first met her. Except this time, instead of feeling angry, she felt closer, both to Jisoo and to Lisa.
Both girls spent the rest of the day looking up grief counselors near their area and Hayley booked Jennie an appointment for the very next day once they found one.
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The next morning, Jennie started regretting her decision but Jisoo refused to let her back out and dragged her all the way to the therapist’s office. She told her she would be waiting for her right outside before basically shoving her into the office. Jennie wasn’t at first sure that therapy was the right way to go but then she remembered the anger and hate that had pushed her to send someone to the hospital and the promise she had made to Jisoo about being better and decided to give it a try.
And she had. It hadn’t been easy but after months of constant therapy, she had managed to make some progress. Whenever she felt the familiar anger thrumming beneath her skin, coming closer to the surface, she simply excused herself from the room and isolated herself before she could take her anger out on any innocent bystanders. She started boxing and it became a great way to keep it in check, often spending hours in the gym taking her frustrations out on either her instructor or the punching bag. Meditating also became a great stress reliever. As time continued to go by, Jennie kept on finding different ways to cope and she slowly started getting back to who she was before. She opened up more to Jisoo and the two became really good friends. She introduced her to the rest of her friends and they quickly became Jennie’s friends. She started going out again and having fun, she met new people and started actually attending her classes and making plans for her future.
Her life, which had been close to hitting rock bottom, started looking up and for the first time in years, Jennie was actually happy. Nevertheless, no matter how much she laughed or hanged out with her new friends. No matter whether she was having fun or was in the middle of class, the anger thrumming beneath her skin was always there, a constant companion. As much as her constant angry outburst had become a thing of the past, and as much as her friends and family believed she had completely recovered, the truth was, she had simply gotten better at controlling her anger instead of having it control her. The burning sensation of the anger rushing through her skin was a constant in her life. And it would always be.