Running in Circles

Sighing, you continued to stroll aimlessly around Jackson.

Your head was oddly quiet. Perhaps your thoughts were just too fast for you to process.

Either way, you soon found yourself in front of Joel’s house. There were flowers woven in the fence and strewn across the front yard. ‘Get well’ cards flapped in the wind as you absentmindedly made your way inside.

Your bowl of cereal was still sitting on the small table pushed up against the kitchen wall. It only served to make the house feel more empty.

The sun was starting to set and the house was cast in a dull glow, the cream walls appearing more grey than anything. The comforting scent of Joel was drab and barely wafted through the house anymore, too many nights that were spent inside the cramped infirmary room had led to Joel’s scent almost disappearing.

You were staring distractedly around the room, eyes languidly roaming the dreary house. It wasn’t until the creaking of the stairs drew your attention to Ellie, whom had stopped dead in her tracks the moment she saw you.

A faint blush crept up the girl’s neck as you took in her appearance. Puffy, red-rimmed eyes and shaking hands that clasped Joel’s guitar closely to her chest.

You felt a smile tug gently at your lips as you remembered all the times you had sat next to Joel as he strummed the strings of that guitar. A pang of hurt flashed through your chest, but you ignored it and turned fully towards Ellie.

“Hey,” you said softly. The girl had been quiet and reserved lately, and you were sure seeing Joel once again was probably a shock. Ellie certainly seemed surprised when she found out that Joel didn’t actually remember you.

“Hi,” Ellie murmured, one of her hands coming up to rub idly at the back of her neck.

“You gonna play?” You watched as Ellie shuffled before nodding hesitantly. You just gestured for her to follow you out on the porch.

Flopping down onto the wooden bench, you leaned back and closed your eyes as Ellie tentatively sat down next to you.

After a few moments of hesitation, the soft strumming of chords filtered through the air. You let out a breath you hadn’t realised you were holding and just listened to Ellie play.

It was when the girl started to sing, that you turned to watch her.

“If I ever were to lose you…I’d surely lose myself,” Ellie's voice was soft, but you could hear the faint shake through her words. “Everything I have found here, I haven’t found by myself. Try and sometimes you’ll succeed… To make this man of me,” Ellie's voice took on a softer tone as she gently trailed off. “All of my stolen missing parts, I’ve no need for anymore… Our future days… Days of you and me…”

The two of you stewed in silence for a short while, before Ellie decided to speak up again.

“Joel taught me that song,” She said gently.

“Thought so,” you smiled.

“I’ve never… Shown it to anyone before.” The confession made you turn to face Ellie again, quietly regarding her.

“May I ask why you honoured me with such a song?” Ellie blushed at your questioned and you couldn’t help the chuckle of amusement that bubbled up in your chest.

“I… I don’t really know,” Ellie frowned. “I just felt like you needed to hear it,” You smiled at Ellie admission.

“Thank you,” you replied, your voice sincere and soft.

The two of you lapsed in silence again; and, although it was filled with the tension of unanswered questions, it wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable. Ellie had started up her strumming again, lazily stroking chords and fumbling through melodies and songs, whilst you just hummed along under your breath.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie said as she fiddled with the chords of her guitar, unconsciously trying to find matching chords and a flow of rhythm.

“What for?” You hummed.

“For avoiding you… and for not being able to let this go,” you felt your brows dip in confusion. “I can’t let this go. I just- I can’t face Joel knowing I just lied there and did nothing.”

“Ellie—”

“No!” She cried, before sighing and slumping back in the chair, running her hand through her hair and pulling some strands away from her loose bun. “Sorry… Just, they can’t get away with this. They- they hurt Joel.”

Ellie was frowning and you could see the internal conflict that flashed across her face. But you understood. You knew how much Joel means to Ellie and you could always smell the anger and bloodlust that lay dormant under Ellie’s scent of pine trees and campfire smoke. But you also couldn’t let her fall apart, couldn’t let her self-destruct.

“I don’t think I can let you do that,” you hedged.

“I’m not asking you to,” Ellie said determinedly.

You let your eyes roam over the features of the girl. Taking in her freckled face, the small indents that littered her skin in tell-tale signs of old scars. You stared into green eyes that bore into your own, watching the forest fire that ignited behind them.

“Doesn’t mean I won’t try to stop you,” you fired back. You felt your shoulders starting to tense and could see Ellie’s doing the same.

“You can’t stop me – stop this. They can’t just get away with this!” Ellie was now standing, looking down at your, face twisted in anger.

“Ellie,” You started cautiously, “You didn’t just lie there. You were outnumbered and that was something you had no control over… I understand how you feel, but Joel needs you right now and… Sometimes violence isn’t always the answer. Sometimes, you just gotta let go.”

“But do you understand? Do you really? Because if it weren’t for your relationship with them, it’s likely we would all be fucking dead! And Joel doesn’t even remember what happened! He doesn’t know that I- that I couldn’t do anything. That I didn’t do anything… and-and I owe it to him to do this- to kill them all. Fuck! We don’t even know if they’ll come back or not!”

Ellie was now pacing, her breathing was starting to become laboured and it suddenly hit you. Ellie was still very much a child, unknowing in the ways of the world and the lessons it teaches.

And revenge is nice, sure, but it is also dangerous and comes with its own set of consequences. Ellie didn’t understand that. Hadn’t learnt how to properly deal with grief in a world where violence and death supposedly solves all your problems. Anxiety, social situations, grief, revenge, pain and so many other emotions that Ellie had yet to learn how to properly cope with.

It was in that moment, that, you knew, that there was no way to stop Ellie. Regardless of what you say, this is a lesson she has yet to learn and one you could not teach. But what you said before was true, you weren’t just going to let Ellie do this without putting up a fight. But you also knew that pushing Ellie to stay will only push Ellie to leave.

So, you made up your mind to inform both Joel and Tommy about the situation and try and get them to talk Ellie out of it. If anyone was going to convince Ellie otherwise, it was one of those two.

Sighing, you called out to Ellie gently, bringing her pacing to a halt. “Why don’t we go inside?” You smiled, but even you could tell it was strained.

Ellie just jerkily nodded her head, before the two of you shuffled inside and you pottered around the kitchen as you prepared the two of you dinner in Joel’s little kitchenette.

It still felt empty and the tension of your conversation with Ellie before grated on the room’s atmosphere.

But either way; both of you ignored the elephant in the room.

Tommy had decidedly dragged you back to the infirmary the next day- when Joel was conscious again- because he couldn’t stand Joel’s fucking whining, no matter if it was his alpha or not.

So now you found yourself, once again, pulled to sit practically in Joel’s lap who was glaring daggers at you despite his purring and the tight clutch his arms had around your waist.

You decided now was a good a time as any to bring up your conversation with Ellie, and that would also break the awkward silence the three of you were currently in (because Joel refused to let Tommy leave), so two birds with one stone you guessed.

“So…” Yup, great start right there, you thought bitterly to yourself. “I, uh, talked to Ellie the other day and… She’s basically planning to go after Abby and stuff,” you trailed off.

Joel looked confused – he probably had no clue what you just said due to your wording – and Tommy just looked stunned.

“Ellie?” Joel asked, brows furrowed.

“Ellie’s planning on going after the people that hurt you,” you said, watching Joel intently to make sure he understood what you were saying. “Says she can’t face you after she basically just lied there and did nothing.”

“That dumb,” Joel snorted, whilst you smiled at the alpha. Joel couldn’t even remember what transpired and even he knew that Ellie would’ve and had put her all into trying to protect him.

“Wait, so, Ellie’s going after these people and you just -What? Let her?” Tommy asked, bringing his chair closer to sit in front of the two of you.

“No. I told her not to… But you’ve also got to remember that she’s grown up in a world where killing has forever been the answer and she doesn’t know how to properly cope with grief, guilt and the likes,” you said. “And this isn’t a lesson I can just tell her about – she’s gotta figure it out on her own.”

Joel started to growl.

“He can’t keep up with what you’re saying,” Tommy supplied.

You huffed and turned to face Joel. “Ellie hasn’t learnt how to cope with emotions properly.”

Well, Joel seemed to understand that somewhat since he stopped growling and just cocked his head to the side in confusion – although it didn’t seem he was confused about what you said, more confused about what you meant.

“This world deals with grief and pain through violence. Ellie hasn’t learnt otherwise because she’s never been given the opportunity,” you said slowly.

Joel was scowling at your slow voice – probably didn’t like being talked to like a child – but you ignored him because you saw that he understood what you had said.

“So what’re you gonna do about it?” Tommy asked.

“Nothing I can do, really,” You shrugged, “That’s why I’m telling you two. If anyone can talk her out of this, then it’s one of you two.”

You could feel Joel nodding behind you whilst Tommy hummed in agreement.

“Okay, I’ll talk to her tonight them,” Tommy said determinedly. “In the meantime, I must prepare my speech!”

With that the beta darted out of the infirmary, ignoring Joel’s scrabbled attempts to yell at him to get his ass back in the room.

You looked at Joel awkwardly, not really knowing if the alpha wanted you to leave or not.

“What- Vodka night… happened?” You blinked at the jumbled sort-of-sentence, not comprehending what Joel was asking you. You confusion must’ve leaked onto your face as Joel frowned and tried to form a better way of explaining.

“Tha-the…Time, Mess hall, Vodka,” Joel nodded to himself proudly once realisation kicked in and you couldn’t help but giggle at the cute gesture.

“You remember that?” You asked, smiling goofily, joy filling your chest.

“Sort of,” Joel hummed.

“I have no clue whether that’s the alcohol talking or not,” you laughed.

Joel just watched you quietly for a moment, face devoid of emotion and carefully blank, before he asked; “Tell me?”

“About that night?” Joel nodded. “Well… I had the oh so smart idea to snag some vodka from the mess hall, whilst and you had the amazing idea to play some sort of truth-or-drink game – which was a horrible idea since we are both quite reserved; but either way—”

You rambled on and Joel just watched you. In all honesty, the man couldn’t comprehend half of what you were saying but he figured most of it out from the bits and pieces of the sentences he could understand. Either way, Joel was more than content to just listen to your ranting. Some part of him felt at ease as your voice filled the room and your hands gestured wildly around you. Perhaps, he would remember someday – about you, that is. But in the meantime, he would just have to make new memories with the omega before him – just like Tommy had said to.