kakashi || "a fistful of scarecrows"; where did the party go
He leaned against your door like he had a right to a specific answer. “Aw, why not?”
“I’m—Christ, Kakashi, I’m not a jounin. You know that,” you rubbed your elbow, a nervous tic you picked up over the years. Maybe from a friend, probably from a book or something like that. Being around him was a constant battle, and if you went out with him and a few friends, especially when there’s alcohol involved, you would just—things would go south pretty damn fast. You just wanted to be good friends with your neighbor and ignore your urges. If he wasn’t so ridiculously skilled at reading your expressions, you could have lied about being a former alcoholic or something… “So why should I go? It’s for the jounin captains of the genin teams. It’s simple. Why should I go?”
“You’ll be my plus one. My coworkers want to meet you. It’ll be fine.” The copy ninja crossed his arms against his broad chest, arms that were probably burgeoning with muscle… You shook your head internally. No, you couldn’t afford to think about that. “It’s not like anyone’ll be upset that you’re not a jounin. Nothing serious is happening. Come on…”
“Why are you so persistent about this?” The way he was pleading wasn’t typical of the jounin. It wasn’t like you were an expert on his behavior, especially considering his unpredictability—even his decade-long rival couldn’t accurately gauge his actions—but it just felt… weird. It felt slightly to the left of normal, whatever that meant. “Did you tell them I was going to come, or something like that? Besides, I’d have to change, and… I don’t want to do that. Plus, I have plans!” You seized an excuse at the last minute and clung to it. “I have plans tonight, so I can’t go and meet your work friends. Right, I forgot, but I do have plans!”
Kakashi sighed, adjusting his Leaf Village headband to cover his sharingan eye. “(Y/n), unless your plans include doing something besides masturbating alone in your room—which, let’s face it, that’s what it always comes down to—I don’t think you get to use that excuse tonight.”
Feigning ignorance, you narrowed your eyes, pretending to be lost in thought. “Hmm… well, I… uh…” The copy ninja rolled the one eye you could see, and you let the house of cards collapse. “Fine. You saw right through me. I’m such a con artist for wanting my occasionally loud time alone with me and my fingers. Wow, sue me.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of what I thought.” Your neighbor adjusted his stance against your doorframe. “Do I need to persuade you any further?” A silver eyebrow raised, and even though you couldn’t see most of his face, that was enough to make you agree with almost anything he asked of you. Damned pretty boy types, always knew exactly which buttons to push to get the right result… Mortifying, as always.
“Look, I…” You struggled for the words, settling for jabbing your index finger in the center of his clavicle, clothed by a dark turtleneck. You couldn’t accurately read his facial expressions, but you were making an executive decision in declaring him amused. “Fine. You got me. Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready.” The two of you were silent and still for a few seconds, before you rolled your eyes and invited him in. “Come inside, else you’ll freeze to death.”
Aggravated, you slipped into a rather tight-fitting strapless dress you’d been saving for an occasion not unlike this one, although your express thoughts upon buying it had been more along the lines of what you would wear to get over the copy ninja, not what you would wear in front of him. But whatever—it was a special occasion. You were a grown woman. You didn’t have time to be insecure about your body, you were going to meet some friends of a friend. It would be fine. It’s going to be fine, you told yourself in the mirror, having styled your hair in a record time of about three minutes, makeup in two. Choosing your most practical stilettos—quite the oxymoron—you slipped them on and grabbed a small purse, shoving your wallet in there.
“Come on, let’s just go,” you muttered, a little frustrated at your situation, staring at the ground. Apparently you were suffering from auditory hallucinations, because you thought you heard the copy ninja inhale sharply as you walked in, but that couldn’t happen. He was the one driving you insane, vice versa was impossible and that was a fact, because if you had a chance with him, you would never forgive yourself for the mental gymnastics it took to torture yourself like this. Besides, these shoes were hard to walk in… You just needed to get this over with successfully. Make a good impression with his friends, zero ulterior motives. Just… have a nice night. “I’m gonna assume you’re already late, so we should try and hurry there, right?”
Making a beeline for the door, where you kept your jackets, Kakashi stopped you before you could quite get there. It was embarrassing specifically because all he had to do was touch your arm and you were frozen on the spot like a statue, but you pushed it down. You tilted your head, one eyebrow raised, opening your mouth, but he gave you one of his trademark closed-eye smiles, placing a semi-gloved hand on your far smaller shoulder. “You look absolutely stunning,” he said, quick enough for it to be plausible that you merely imagined him saying it. “And you don’t need a coat.”
Feeling your entire face heat up, your first instinct was to stare at the ground and stalk away, but the copy ninja offered you his hand. “Th—thanks, Kakashi…” What was happening? Was this a strange fever dream? You took it, albeit hesitantly, and moved to open the door, but he held it open for you, waiting for you to lock the door. No, this couldn’t be reality. You hovered in front of the lock, heart racing. What the hell was going on?
“What happened to hurrying?” The silver-haired ninja teased, snapping you out of your haze. You jiggled the key in its lock, yanking it out once you finished. He offered you his hand again. God, this was too weird… But you still took it. It really was just like you had imagined. He had the kind of fingers that feel nice to hold, especially since your hand was notably smaller than his… Whatever it was, you were going to enjoy it. You fell into step with the copy ninja, who seemed to know where he was going well enough. “I think you’re going to like them. They’re good people.”
“I’d hope so,” you maintained a monotone, despite being incapable of doing anything but smiling like a lovesick fool when he held your hand. Normally you would analyze this situation, see if it was actually some kind of prank or trap set by someone merely posing as Kakashi, but right now you were far too flustered to think straight, rendering any half-hearted conspiracies invalid. “Can you tell me more about them? You’ve probably mentioned them in passing, but I don’t know who exactly is going to be there.”
“Well, there’s Asuma, Kurenai,” Kakashi counted on his fingers, “Iruka, and Gai. Tsunade was a maybe, so she’s probably not going to make it. I think that should be it. Some of them might invite their students, but maybe not. It’s not a very planned affair, if you can believe it.”
“Again, why am I going? Why not invite Naruto or Sasuke? Or, hell, all three of them, even,” you postulated, gently swinging your fingers, intertwined with his. “Honestly, I thought you might have been avoiding me for a while. And out of nowhere, you show up at my door and ask me to come to this dinner. I mean, if it’s your personal business, you don’t have to tell me, but I’m not going to pretend like I’m not curious.”
“I told you. I just thought it would be fun.” Kakashi turned to face you. “You really don’t get out much, it should be good for you. And I get out too much, it’s a nice break. Not to mention, they all want to meet you.” That drew your attention. If he was presenting this situation as it actually was, how come they even knew who you were? None of them should even know your name, unless… Your eyes widened. Wait, then… Wait… maybe...
“Wait, Kakashi,” the corners of your lips curved upwards, your tone transitioning to a more teasing one, “why do they all want to meet me? Do you talk about me a lot?” Before you could let your stupid inner self—the one with all the disgusting irrepressible emotions—get excited at the prospect of your neighbor thinking about you often, a cool breeze swept over the two of you. You shivered, regretting your choice not to bring a jacket. Of course Kakashi would say you didn’t need one. He constantly wore at least one turtleneck and a vest, he’d be fine.
“That’s irrelevant,” your neighbor withheld, revealing frustratingly little through his even tone. “Oh, hey, looks like we’re here.” The sign flashed in pale golden yellow lights, several lanterns lining the fencing of the outdoor tables where a handful of jounin in the signature green vests adorned with red swirls waved at Kakashi. “By the way, (Y/n),” you turned at the sound of your name and he was giving you another one of those closed-eye smiles, your heart starting to melt, “I told my coworkers that we’re dating, so if you could act accordingly, that would be great.”
Nearly keeling over on the spot, you could barely hiss out an “Excuse me, what,” before the copy ninja led you up the stairs to where the group was sitting. It did make sense, though; everything was coming together, albeit in a terrible, falsified way. It was stupid and naive of you to think that he actually liked you, but now you were stuck for God knows how long, pretending to be a part of what you considered your current ultimate romantic desire. You waved hello to the group of jounin, moving to sit down next to the man with a shiny, ebony black bowl cut who was grinning in a way that kind of put you off guard, but Kakashi sat down there first, keeping a distance between you and that particular man.
“Hey, guys,” you heard your neighbor greet his coworkers warmly, “how’s it going?”
“Late as always,” remarked the man with a beard and a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. His arm hung loosely behind the beautiful woman on his left, more so touching the seat than her shoulders. She was stunning, with vibrant red eyes and raven curls, with a dress that appeared made out of… you had no idea, but she made bandages look sharp. “What’s your excuse now?” The man made eye contact with you, nodding slightly and extending the hand that wasn’t resting near his significant other. “You must be (Y/n), right? Lovelier in person. I’m Asuma.”
Lovelier in person? You smiled and returned the firm handshake, wondering what the hell that meant. You knew what it meant, but you needed further explanation. Was he really implying that Kakashi described you as… lovely behind your back? And his wife, girlfriend, partner, whatever: she seemed fine with it. Your head swam. “Nice to meet you,” you retreated back to your seat, nearly jumping out of your skin when Kakashi wrapped his right arm around your neck and shoulders, his fingers resting on your upper bicep, just barely grazing your cleavage. The slight cold of the night made the warmth emanating from his torso almost irresistible. As subtly as you could manage, you settled into his side, leaning your head against where his clavicle would be. That is, if you could see it. Asuma smiled in return. His spouse—you realized they were both wearing matching rings—extended her hand as well, which you briefly left Kakashi’s embrace to shake.
“Kurenai,” she spoke smoothly, and you nodded at her. “Kakashi spoke very highly of you. I have to agree with Asuma.” Okay, so two people out of a table full of nines were telling you politely that they thought you were hot. Could you handle this? Probably not; your ego was inevitably inflating by the second, your smile flickering. You hoped to whatever higher power existed that your discomfort didn’t show in your tone nor in your voice.
“I’m flattered,” you chose your words carefully, sinking back into Kakashi’s larger frame. You still couldn’t really believe this was happening, but Kakashi pretending you were his girlfriend was infinitely more plausible than two strangers thinking you were attractive. Startling you out of your reverie, the man with the dark bowl cut winked at you. You could feel all of the blood drain out of your face, until you saw a man with a spiky ponytail and a mostly healed scar across his nose and under his eyes. “Oh, you must be Iruka. Naruto told me about you.”
The copy ninja turned his head. “Wait, you’ve spoken with Naruto?”
“Yeah,” you looked up at him, noticing just how painfully close the two of you were when you did that. Oh, shit. A couple would be comfortable like that… right…? “Remember that week your team tried to figure out what you looked like without a mask?” Your neighbor winced. You took that as a yes. “Naruto tried to break into my apartment to spy on you.” Iruka looked about five seconds away from passing out. Your eyes widened, trying to placate him, “D—don’t worry! He was really bad at it. I have exceptionally strong windows. I did my landlord a favor before I moved in. Um,” you realized you were rambling and tried to stop. Kurenai beamed at the two of you. You had no idea why, and it was kind of terrifying.
“I seriously feel like I should have noticed that,” your neighbor murmured, his words reverberating through his chest. “He’s… tough to deal with, occasionally.”
“The two of you are adorable,” she grinned ear to ear. Asuma had the faintest smile on his face to match hers. “I never expected you to actually get serious with someone. Good job, she’s cute.” Kakashi offered another one of his closed-eye smiles, his large hand firmly holding on to the right side of your shoulder as you scratched the back of your neck. This was intense… how could you deflect compliments all night long? Especially from someone whose tone sounded so sincere… This was going to prove extremely difficult. Kurenai opened her mouth again and you wished some higher power would give you the answer as to how you could possibly keep this up. “How long have you been dating?”
Thank God for Kakashi, you silently wailed as your faux boyfriend took the question, finger tapping his chin. “Well… we’ve been neighbors for years, and we started to hang out frequently about a year ago, but when we actually realized we were dating…?” He feigned forgetfulness. “(Y/n), it’s, ah… we’ve been about five months, right?”
Counting nonsense on your fingers and mouthing the names of months to yourself, you nodded slowly. “Yeah, five months sounds about right.” You fiddled with the bandages on Kakashi’s inner thigh absentmindedly, not realizing how he tensed behind you.
Kurenai’s endearing yet incessant cooing over the two of you made way for the naturally booming voice of the strange man with the bowl cut, who was now yelling as he pointed at you. “I’m Gai. (Y/n), in accessing carnal knowledge of my greatest rival, you are by proxy… some form of rival! I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but watch out, Kakashi!” Gai stared at Kakashi, who seemed furtively more preoccupied with your smaller fingers darting across his inner thigh. “Kakashi?”
“Hmm?” Your neighbor jolted. “What were you saying?”
“Never mind,” sighed Gai, draining his small cup of sake.
Walking down the steps hand in hand, Kakashi’s jounin vest draped over your shoulders, you waved goodbye to the other couple and jounin. “That was more fun than I expected,” you confessed with a relaxed smile. The copy ninja took your arm and swung it across your front clockwise, lodging his own hand on your waist. “Your friends are actually kind of cool.”
“Coworkers, but you’re not wrong.” For the first time, you were close enough to really see the smile on his face, behind the mask. You watched the fabric move a little. It was pretty cute. “I’m sorry I sprung that on you so last minute. You seem like you’re a better actor in situations where you don’t have time to prepare and you have to think on your feet.”
“Yeah, well, improv classes do that to you,” you exhaled. “Seriously, though, Kakashi, um… don’t play me like that.” You try to avoid meeting his gaze. If he doesn’t hear what you say, you’re not sure if you’re awake enough to repeat it. “You know a lot more about me than I’d prefer, and… and it fucking hurts, pretending to be intimate with someone else… You might assume things, because you said earlier that you can hear what I do when I’m alone, but I genuinely just… and I just—it’s late.”
“Right,” he nodded along, but you had a feeling he wasn’t quite sure what you meant.
“Seriously, why did you tell your coworkers we were dating?” You desperately didn’t want to look at his expression for this conversation. “Did they, like… pressure you into getting a girlfriend, so you blanked? Because you could have just been honest. I’m sure they would’ve been fine with it. I really don’t know what your logic was, or why you put me through that…” He tensed next to you. “No offense, man, I’m just… a stupid piece of shit when it comes to intimacy. So what happens if I become friends with any of them? I can’t be honest? I can’t pursue anyone else? I’m—I’m just rambling, I’m sorry. I can’t stop.”
“It’s okay.” He adjusted his grip on your waist. “I stuck you in that situation with no warning, which I shouldn’t have done. You’re not at fault here. Thank you for telling me that you were uncomfortable with that.”
You gently pry his hand off of your hip, turning to face him. You just wanted to take those last few steps and walk inside your apartment and cry, hard, but you had to tell him first. “It’s late. I can’t say this how I want to.” You turn to lean against the door frame, already starting to tear up. “Good night, Kakashi. Thanks for the night out.”
“(Y/n), wait.” Kakashi’s tone is reassuring, placating. Convincing, even… maybe even provocative. “Do you want to stay over?” You’re almost sure you know what he means, but it’s so far from possible that it barely even reaches your ears. “You’re free to say no.”
That’s the last straw, you think. The tears dripping down your face cloud your vision, and you sniffle, trying to breathe. Kakashi gets close, he turns you around, and then all of a sudden he’s embracing you, his arms reaching up to your back, enveloping you in warmth. It’s exactly what you needed and why you felt so awful in the first place, scrambling your moral compass.
“Hey, come on, princess,” he sounds so gentle, “let’s get you inside. It’s cold out.”
Head in your hands, you tried to hide yourself as much as you could, sitting on his couch, shoes kicked off to the side. His jounin vest discarded somewhere, Kakashi rubbed around your shoulder blades, clearly out of his element, but still trying his best. Even though you were sobbing because of him, his touch was far more comforting than you would ever admit. You wiped your eyes and sat up straight with the smallest inhale. “I… can I take a shower?”
“Y… yeah, sure,” he removes his palm from your back. “Do you know where it is…?”
Kakashi leaned back against his couch, exhaling deeply. The test drive wasn’t successful, then. Well, it served his purpose; it confirmed how he felt, but he fucked it up with you. God, what was he thinking? Of course you didn’t feel the same way. You just acted along because you were a good friend. You came in clutch because you had his back. And then it hit him: you hadn’t brought a change of clothes. You wore that amazing dress, and now you were taking a shower, with nothing to change into.
The copy ninja rummaged through his drawers, extracting some shorts and one of his plain white shirts—wait, um… He tried to will away the rush of blood to his cheeks. What could you use as underwear? He wasn’t going to make you wear the same panties two days in a row… but he… did not have women’s panties… Kakashi studied the cloth in his hands, feeling the burning sensation return to his face unbidden. Maybe you could use some of… his underwear? Despite his reputation as—well, you referred to it as a “pussy magnet”, but that was rather crude for his tastes. He wouldn’t really have trouble getting a date, but he still didn’t have much experience with the awkward situations. This was like something out of Icha Icha… but you weren’t just a love interest, he had stakes here.
He heard the water stop, and you stepped out, no doubt wrapped in one of his towels. Knees rapidly starting to shake, he tried to dispel the thoughts of you from his head, but to little avail. Beginning to understand the sort of desperation that fueled your solitary exploits (read: loudly fingering yourself in the middle of the night), Kakashi lets his head fall back against the cushions, cursing himself as the blood dripped down from his nose. Shit, now that he really knew he liked you… This was awful.
Hands trembling, you noticed the pile of clothes on the bed. His clothes. Kakashi’s clothes… You were going to wear his clothes. Oh, God…
A knock on the door. “Are you decent?”
“Yeah, I guess?” You adjusted the towel, making sure it was more secure. “You can come in.” The copy ninja opened the door very slightly, only peeking his head in. “Kakashi. It’s your own bedroom. I’m wearing a towel. It’s fine.” He rolled his eyes, entering the room.
“Are you okay? Feeling better, I mean.” A nod. Kakashi maintained eye contact. “That’s good… Anyway, I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, so if you need anything, I’ll be there. If you need to talk, I’m here, okay?”
“Kakashi, wh…” You shook your head. “Don’t be a dumbass. This is your bed. I’ll get dressed and then you can sleep here, too.” What were you doing—?! His eye widened. Why the hell did you say that? You already had sleeping issues. What would this solve? You’d be a nervous wreck the whole time! “You only have this weekend, right?” A weak smile crossed your face. “Enjoy your time off, man.”
It looked like he smiled under the mask, but you could barely tell. He closed the door, turning away to give you some privacy as you swiped his shirt and shorts and swept into the bathroom.
“Hey, it’s okay,” you mumbled, guiding his arm to rest on top of your frame under the sheets. Kakashi rested his chin on top of your head, and you started when you realized that his chin was bare. He was so warm, even warmer than before when you had rested against him. “Sorry I started crying and all that. I just felt kind of overwhelmed.”
“I haven’t been completely honest with you.” You could feel his words vibrating throughout his chest. “Tonight was kind of a dry run, to test how I felt. I really shouldn’t have used you like that, but it was sort of an experiment to see if I really did… feel that way for you. And I was right, but it still put you on the spot and I shouldn’t have done it. Plus, it was kind of stupid on my part, realizing my feelings when there’s no way you’ll return them.”
Feeling his heart beat like crazy against your shoulder blade, you knew he was waiting for you to say something in response. To confirm or deny that you felt the same way. To acknowledge his feelings and then pick one path or another. But you had to take the future into account. You had to understand the effect that a casual union and the inevitable split would have on your relationship as friends. You had to take into consideration the hours that Kakashi put into his work, you had to remember your job, your own responsibilities… you had no idea what he would be like in a real relationship as opposed to a test drive.
Shutting your eyes, you knew the right answer.