shikamaru || "chasing clouds"; lying on the floor
He notices it in the way that Asuma lights his cigarette and holds it between his teeth. It’s an addiction, more so a habit than an active pursuit. Even though Shikamaru doesn’t smoke, he can understand the impulse to do something, the inexplicable draw to someone even without a net positive result. He really didn’t like being addicted to anything, it made everything more and more troublesome. Life was really just a collection of choices, and Shikamaru preferred to think his through before making them. So when you asked him to teach you his favorite game, he very much had to consider it for a while before accepting your request.
There’s always a smile on Asuma’s face when he takes a drag from those cancer sticks. Not that he really cared. Do what you want, you know? Smoke all you like. But the only thing you had in common with Asuma’s addiction was that his mind kept going back to you without reprieve. God, this was such a drag, this internal conflict...
Shikamaru’s gaze tracks your fingers as you hold the shogi piece. He can’t reason his way out of knowing why he’s memorizing so many details about you. Your thumb curves inwards, your knuckles stand out, you have the kind of hands he’d like to hold. Anyone worth their salt or anything more would know that you didn’t have any ulterior motives, and of course he knew that, his palm shaking under the table. Of course he knew that. Yet his mind still raced like he was in the middle of battle, having to think several steps ahead on the fly.
“Every piece has to face your opponent,” he sighs, and you flinch. “It’s the wrong way around.”
Mind hazy, you try to recall the rules of the game that he had definitely told you a few minutes ago. Shit, you were way in over your head. Everything went blurry for a moment, before refocusing. Even though you knew he just thought this was a game, even though it was a fact that he couldn’t be really analyzing you, because you were just learning how to play, it felt like he could read your mind and it was like the capstone of your load-bearing wall was starting to stagger. “R—right...” It was a ploy for his affections to make you seem smarter, but you were drowning in this sea of… shogi pieces… Fucking hell. You couldn’t pretend to be someone you weren’t, what the hell were you thinking? He wouldn’t buy it.
“And—” You almost set down the pawn piece two spaces ahead, but froze at the sound of his voice. “—you can’t move the pawn more than one space per turn. It’s not a promoted pawn.”
You were smart, smarter than the others where it counts, but you cared too much about what other people thought. Anxiety wracked your being. A smart person thinking stupid things sometimes. Pretty much the opposite of Naruto. So what? Well, it impeded your decision making. So when it came to setting down that shogi piece, it took you a great deal of time. Not because you were strategizing, but because you knew Shikamaru would be analyzing you like a cheetah hunting its prey. And he couldn’t help it. Even though he knew you were just now learning how to play, even though he wasn’t trying to beat you, he didn’t know how to keep his mind off of you.
“Of course… right.”
A bead of sweat crosses from the leftmost edge of your forehead down your neck and he curses himself internally. You had no idea what was going on. For all he knew, the kanji on the shogi pieces bled together in your mind. Maybe you weren’t even listening to him when he was teaching you.
The chunin coughed. Your head snapped up, the absolute panic in your eyes sending a few pangs of regret reverberating through his chest. “You don’t know what to do, do you?” Shit , he thought worriedly as your pupils dilated, irises shrinking.
A heavy sigh, and then your shoulders slackened. “Yeah, I have no idea what I’m doing.”
What would that be, the fifth time he’d tried to explain it to you? Shikamaru closed his eyes in annoyance. That was the perfect description of his situation regarding you: annoyance. The amount of caution his useless brain demanded whenever he was around you vexed him to no end. So what was his next move? Re-explaining it to you, for the fifth time? What a drag. Why were you even doing this in the first place? He could have taken a nap, but no, that stupid prefrontal cortex of his decided to say yes to your stupid offer. “Why, (Y/n)?”
“I, uh…” You started to bluescreen, scratching your neck and looking away. “Why… what, exactly?”
“Why ask me to teach you to play shogi if you’re not going to understand?” Shikamaru tried to keep his tone civil, but something about you kept him on edge. “You know how to play chess. You’re a passable strategist. So why is shogi so hard for you? What makes shogi enjoyable is the pursuit of victory against a tough opponent, but even more than that, being able to predict their movements and win anyways. You have to know the game. Right now, you’re spacing. Is something wrong? What the hell is going on? God, what a drag…”
“Sorry,” is all you said. Shikamaru glanced directly at you, eyebrows furrowed.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” he argued, “I’m not angry at you. I’m just asking for an explanation.”
“It’s stupid. And it’s hard to talk about.” You run a hand through your hair and exhale so heavily. Shikamaru tries to ignore the painfully happy twinge in his chest; for some stupid reason his brain really likes it when you do that. “And it’s even fucking stupider how hard it is to talk about.”
He tilted his head slightly. “Do you feel like trying?” At this point, getting you to open up has an added advantage besides getting to know you more: a diversion from a shitty shogi game.
“You know what? I’ll just come out and say it. I like you, Shikamaru.” For once, you look calm. You look collected, you don’t look nervous. It’s… a stark departure from your usual demeanor, but not altogether unwanted. “You stick up for other people. You’re a strategic genius. You’re loyal, you’re whip smart, and you have good taste in friends. The one thing I know you like to do that’s not just taking a nap or watching the clouds is shogi, and even though I’m total shit at it, it’s still being able to spend time with you. So because I know that I’m not really on your level in most ways, it’s just… nice to pretend I have a chance of even being your friend.”
Shikamaru just stares at you, until your nerves come back and you look up at the ceiling, fingers gripping the planks of wood that made up the porch. It’s obvious you’re on the verge of tears, and it’s even more heart-wrenching that you’re trying so damn hard not to let him see. And he’s only exacerbating the situation by remaining silent. But what would he say? How… how would he even go about approaching an answer? Words failed him, for the first time in a long while. He can’t stand to see you like this, constantly doubting yourself, paranoid about every possible thing that can go wrong, so he shuts his eyes and lets his hands fall into the habitual position between his legs, forming a circle. It’s hard to attack this dilemma like a game of shogi, but not impossible. Still, he needs to think fast—if he makes a girl cry… God, what a drag…
When he opens his eyes again, confident in his reply, you’re gazing at the ground relentlessly, managing to hold back most of the tears. “(Y/n),” he says, and you look up slowly through half-lidded eyes. “Shut up.” Your eyes started to water again, and in the blink of an eye you backed up, about to make a run for it.
As soon as you stood up, he exhaled and knew exactly what to do. You twitched, frozen in place. “Please don’t make me sit through this, Shikamaru.” You staggered back into your initial position. “Please. I’m—I’m sorry. That was… pretend it didn’t happen.” Your volume drops to less than a whisper. “Please…”
He hurriedly continued. “You’re not stupid, you just struggle academically. There’s a difference. And we are friends, but more important than that, we’re both shinobi of the Leaf Village. We’re comrades. I… I like you, too. You are really bad at shogi… Sorry I made it sound like… shit, I—”
“Yeah, I figured,” your voice cracked as you raised an eyebrow with a grin, still cautious. “Don’t play me like that, asshole.”
“But it was stupid of you to think that’s the only thing I like to do.” Shikamaru shuts his eyes with a sigh, but there’s a small smile on his face when he says it. “Do you want to watch the clouds with me sometime? It’s not even close to a strategy game.”
Eyes wide, you dragged your palm down your face. The small smile only grew. “Shit, you’re right, that was stupid. Man, I can’t think straight around you, I guess.”
The way you said it made it seem like a simple statement, but the emotional implications of what you said weighed in the air for a moment. “Y—yeah, let’s just—let’s just watch the clouds now, alright?” He blurts it out like it hurts to talk slowly, his skin overheating.
Shikamaru knew for sure that you were about to ask if he was blushing, that you were about to tease him, but right when he expected you to say it, you bit your lip and swallowed air. “Sure thing, kid genius,” you smile, and it makes everything feel slightly less troublesome.