Not Your Fault
Caitlyn exhaled, trying not to think about whatever went down the last time she was here.
But the text from Vander reminded her very well why she was here.
She’s being discharged today. Come see her this morning?
The confession would lie between them like a loaded gun the moment she walked in, she knew. It wasn’t something she was about to brush off as a joke — it certainly was not — but it also wasn’t something she was sure she wanted to bring up with Vi today.
Besides, Vander’s text had carried the implication that Vi had changed her mind and now wanted to see Caitlyn. And if she wanted to see Caitlyn… well, it was a good sign, right?
She forced herself to slide open the door. Vi was sitting up in her bed, talking to Caitlyn’s father.
Caitlyn blinked, slightly mortified. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you had visitors, Vi. Should I…?”
Tobias chuckled, clicking his pen and slipping it into his coat pocket. “No, it’s all good. I’m just about done with Vi here.”
As he walked out of the room, he flashed Caitlyn an encouraging smile. Caitlyn felt her heart swell with affection at the gesture — he obviously had discussed with Vander the current status of Caitlyn and Vi’s relationship.
Thanks, dad.
Caitlyn stepped closer in, forcing herself to meet Vi’s eyes. The pale blue irises that met hers carried no hostility, no heat, no blame, just a quiet welcome.
“I… didn’t bring coffee this time,” Caitlyn said, voice quiet.
“No problem,” Vi said. “It’s a good thing you’re here anyhow. I… was hoping we could talk.”
Caitlyn tried to feign surprise as she sat down. “Yeah?”
“Mhm.” Vi’s hands had been folded in her lap, but now she started playing with her fingers nervously. “I, um… I’m being discharged this afternoon, so I was hoping to get your number.”
Caitlyn’s eyebrow bounced up onto her head. “You… want my number?”
She had to remind herself that since the accident, Vi had gotten a new phone and therefore her contact would not be saved.
But Caitlyn still had “Vi <3” in her phone. Nothing about it had changed, except that the person on the other side pretty much no longer existed.
“Yeah,” Vi said. “If you don’t mind… I mean, after I’m discharged you won’t know where to find me, and I figured we should stay in touch, so…”
Caitlyn bit her lip. I literally memorised your address by heart.
Instead, she forced herself to choke out a more coherent answer. “You wanna stay in touch?”
“Why are you questioning everything I’m doing?”
“Maybe because everything you’re doing is questionable,” Caitlyn retorted instinctively.
She chuckled lightly, but when she heard Vi’s voice, it was quiet and… almost fragile. “What?”
Caitlyn’s heart lurched, seeing the distant look in Vi’s eyes, almost as though she… she were recalling a memory just out of reach.
And then it hit Caitlyn.
It was one of the first things Caitlyn had said to Vi when they met in college to do an assignment together.
Time froze, suspending them in the moment.
“Vi…?”
Vi’s head jerked up, as though she were suddenly pulled back into reality. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
Vi blinked, a breath loosely sawing out of her as her shoulders sagged. “Yeah… just… I can’t explain it. Something triggered, like… a memory. A very fuzzy one.”
Blood rose to Caitlyn’s face. “Do you remember?”
Vi scratched her head in confusion, brow knitted. “No… I don’t think so.”
Caitlyn closed her eyes, doing her best to maintain her composure. Hope was an illusion — a trap she wouldn't ever fall for again.
“You were saying you wanted to keep in touch?” she asked, voice brittle.
Vi nodded slowly and pulled out her phone.
“Why?” The question slipped out before Caitlyn could stop herself. “After what I said the last time I was here… I didn’t think you… wanted to see me again. See a liar again.”
Silence folded over the room, and for a tense second, Caitlyn thought she’d dashed her chances again. Her heart hammered in her chest, pulse rushing as she awaited Vi’s answer.
“It doesn’t matter if you lied,” Vi said at last, tone quiet, as though it was something she was unwilling to admit. “You’re still… the only person who could bring me back, that night with the breakdown. Still the only person who makes me feel that safe.”
Vi’s gaze was fixated on the blanket, where she was picking at it nervously. “Lie or not, you’re important to me. I think… well, we’re friends. We should stay in touch.”
Friends.
The very thing Caitlyn was limiting this to.
She absolutely refused to let herself hope for more than that. It just wasn’t possible anymore.
Pressing down the lump in her throat, she managed to answer without her voice cracking. “Yeah… okay.”
The silence was heavy with the weight of Vi’s words, and for a while they sat there in the uncomfortable stillness of the room, not one of them saying anything.
Friends, because that’s all I can have.
“So,” Vi cleared her throat, “number?”
~~~
Vi sighed and leaned her head back on the pillows, listening to the bathroom door slide shut.
She now had Caitlyn’s number in her phone, meaning she would get to stay in contact with a person who was probably more important to her than she was willing to admit.
And somehow, it felt as though a weight she didn’t realise was there had lifted off her chest. She didn’t even realise it until now, but the lack of Caitlyn’s presence in her life had stressed her out so much it was almost embarrassing.
It was good to have her back.
Yet, the gnawing feeling in the back of Vi’s head didn’t subside. The strange flash that had rushed over her just now… almost like the exchange between her and Caitlyn had appeared in a dream many, many years before. A fever dream, perhaps.
Nothing had ever frustrated more than this — the fleeting sensation of warmth and kindness in the back of her head, just out of reach of her recollection. Each time it happened, it created a gaping hole in Vi’s life that she could neither ignore nor fill. It was just a distant, indistinct memory, something she could have sworn on her life had happened, and still…
None of it was solid. It was like standing on a pile of sand in the middle of an ocean, not knowing when it would collapse.
Vi growled in frustration and ran her hands through her hair, listening to the toilet flush.
It took a while before Caitlyn stepped out, hands damp and eyes puffy.
Vi frowned. “You okay?”
Caitlyn swallowed. “Yeah, why?”
“Just…” Vi gestured vaguely towards Caitlyn. “Your eyes are red. Were you… crying?”
A chuckle slipped through Caitlyn’s lips, and Vi could barely detect the cracks in it — Caitlyn could hide it that well, as she’d learned.
“No, I’m fine. I’m just tired, I guess. Had a late night yesterday.”
“You… sure?” Vi wasn’t sure why she cared so much, but she did. She said it herself: they were friends. The least she could do was ask.
Caitlyn sniffled, dragging her sleeve across her face. “Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m good.”
She took her seat next to Vi again. “What time are you being discharged?”
“Oh, um…” Vi glanced at the clock. “Should be soon, actually. Mainly just waiting for Vander to come back with my clothes and stuff.”
“Ah.” Caitlyn nodded, and Vi did her best to not focus on the sudden shimmer in her sapphire eyes. “Do you want me to stay, or…?”
“Up to you.” Vi smiled, her heart swelling a little when Caitlyn returned the grin.
“Do you want food or anything? Have you had lunch?”
Vi chuckled a little. “You’re really thoughtful, you know that?”
Caitlyn bit her lip, as though it made her uncomfortable, and Vi took the cue to backpedal immediately.
“Oh…” Her voice was small as she watched Caitlyn grapple with her emotions, the expressive blue eyes not meeting hers.
“I… I’m sorry, was that too… much? I didn’t mean… shit.”
The sad smile etched on Caitlyn’s face offered her no semblance of comfort. “No, it’s okay. Not your fault. It’s just…”
Vi tilted her head. “Just?”
“It’s, uh… one of the things my girlfriend used to say to me all the time.”
The crack in her voice told Vi that said relationship no longer existed, and whoever this ex was had obviously meant a lot to Caitlyn. She’d hurt Caitlyn.
And somehow, that made Vi a little jealous and also pretty damn mad. Mad that someone had hurt Caitlyn and left her bleeding. Mad that someone had shattered her heart into a tiny million pieces. Mad that someone had dared to hurt someone so sweet and kind and wonderful.
She froze, the tension heavy in the air, not knowing what to say. The earlier confession had retreated into the background, silent and invisible now, but not fully gone.
“I’m… sorry,” Vi said. “I take it you’re no longer… together?”
The pain written all over Caitlyn’s face spoke a thousand words as she simply nodded. “Yeah. We’re not.”
“I’m really sorry, Caitlyn.”
Caitlyn’s gaze dropped to the floor, her voice soft and fragile and laced with bitterness and nostalgia. “It’s not your fault.”
Her unsaid words echoed in her own ears, teeth sinking into her bottom lip in an effort to keep them to herself.
Not anymore.