I Hate You
Vi rubbed her eyes tiredly and set down her spoon.
The concussion wasn’t really doing her appetite any favours, but she wasn’t sure the hospital food was even edible.
She wanted to focus on something other than the food, but the next most attention-grabbing thing was her roommate — Caitlyn — and Vi really didn’t want to look at her.
Every time she did, there was a strange feeling stirring within her. As though… as though there was a hole somewhere in her life.
But Vi was pretty sure she wasn’t missing anything.
If that was true, then why did Caitlyn keep looking at her with those longing and nostalgic eyes? Why did Vander and the rest keep glancing between them? Why did she hold Vi’s hand when she woke up?
“Whatever,” Vi mumbled under her breath. The sooner she was discharged, the better.
After all, Caitlyn was just another Piltie bitch Vi had to get rid of.
“What?” Caitlyn asked, and Vi realised she’d been staring.
Vi’s expression soured as she directed her gaze elsewhere. “Nothing.”
“Don’t like it?” Caitlyn prompted. “Would you prefer mac n cheese?”
Vi glanced up at her. Caitlyn’s eyes displayed no hostility, no humour. She was being dead serious about the mac n cheese.
Vi pretended like mac n cheese wasn’t secretly her favourite childhood comfort food, and did her best to mask her surprise. After all, it was one of those things — alongside her horrible temper — that she would never admit aloud.
When Vi didn’t answer, Caitlyn turned her attention back to the book in her hands.
But Vi’s curiosity was absolutely burning. She needed answers. She hated being kept in the dark, but she also didn’t relish the idea of asking Caitlyn all the questions she had.
“That… was oddly specific,” Vi decided to say.
Caitlyn glanced up at her, and for a brief second Vi saw a flash of pain flicker in her deep sapphire eyes.
Then she muttered something Vi couldn’t make out.
“What?” Vi demanded.
“Nothing,” Caitlyn said. “I, uh… Vander told me it was your favourite food.”
Vi frowned. “No, it isn’t. That’s a child’s meal. I’m 24; I’m not a child.”
That expression again — the one she couldn’t really read despite the number of times Caitlyn had directed it at her.
“Noted,” Caitlyn said quietly.
Vi got the feeling she wanted to say more, but further conversation with this topsider wasn’t worth it if she was only going to give vague answers. She couldn’t even lie very well — Vi had seen through them despite being terrible at reading people.
“Whatever,” Vi muttered, shoving down another spoonful of tasteless food.
Caitlyn turned over to face Vi’s bed, listening to the steady beep of heart monitors.
For a second, she was painfully reminded of all the nights she had slept with Vi in her arms, or the nights Vi woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare and wouldn’t sleep until Caitlyn held her in her arms.
They hadn’t dated very long, but Caitlyn could read Vi like a book.
She knew — by heart — Vi’s favourite foods, her likes and dislikes, her general morning and night routines, what a horrible temper she had, all the secrets Vi would never tell anyone else. She knew the monsters that sometimes haunted her at night, the things that ticked Vi off, the kinds of clothes that chafed her skin. She knew Vi inside out — down to the smallest of details.
And just because Vi had forgotten her didn’t mean she’d forgotten Vi.
Caitlyn thought back to that evening, when she’d let the fact that she knew Vi’s comfort food slip.
She knew Vi hated hospitals, and for good reason. With the exception of Dr. Kiramman, Caitlyn’s father, most of the doctors tended to be prejudiced against Zaunites. Since most of them were off higher Houses and elite societies, it also meant they were the topsiders who never learned to stop discriminating against the people of the undercity.
Tobias had tried to change that, but his measures didn’t have much effect.
Most of the doctors still looked down on Zaunites and offered them care that was well below par. Vi was lucky to have gotten Tobias as her doctor this time, instead of some stupid, racist bitch.
And that hatred also meant Vi would very well have preferred to have mac n cheese on her plate, instead of the bland porridge they’d been served.
Caitlyn hadn’t meant for it to slip out.
Ekko’s words echoed in her head. Bring that part back out.
She had to make Vi remember everything. Remember their first kiss under the stars that night on the beach. Remember the birthday surprise she’d orchestrated for Caitlyn. Remember…
Caitlyn felt her pillow grow cold and damp under her cheek.
Remember that you were willing to take the hit for me.
Why?
Why did it have to be Caitlyn that Vi forgot?
Why did Caitlyn lose the love of her life so easily and so quickly?
But Vi needed Caitlyn. Vander had said so himself. Vi needed the grounding force that had brought out the soft kindness in her, the gentleness, the vulnerability. Vi needed Caitlyn a lot more than either of them realised.
“I hate you, Vi,” Caitlyn whispered into the darkness of the room. “Why do you do this to me?”
But the emptiness of the room offered no solace, no warmth, no answers, leaving Caitlyn staring at the ceiling and waiting for a sleep that might never come.
“Why do you keep looking at me like that?” Vi demanded.
Caitlyn glanced at her. “What?”
“You keep looking at me like you know me. Like we’ve met before.”
Caitlyn shrugged. “Do you think we’ve met before?”
The answer lacked hesitation, which pained Caitlyn. “No.”
Lowering her gaze, Caitlyn bit back the answer she wished she could say with full confidence and have Vi believe it.
Instead, she settled for a simple lie. “You, uh… remind me of someone I know.”
Vi scoffed. “Sure. Who is it, one of the Zaunities you’ve spat on?”
“No,” Caitlyn said quietly, neither refuting nor supporting the obvious hatred directed at her.
It was a moment before Vi spoke again. “You’re not gonna ask for my name, or make introductions, or anything? It’s been, what, three days and the only person who’s made any introductions is you. Do you not wanna know more about me?”
A stab in her chest reminded Caitlyn that she knew this woman inside, out even if Vi didn’t believe it.
“You made it clear you have no interest in being friends. Besides, I heard Vander talking to you. Whatever I need to know about you to get by, I already know.”
Vi scoffed again, folding her arms over her chest.
She bit back another question and watched Caitlyn refocus on the book in her hands.
Vi wasn’t sure what had driven her to ask Caitlyn about introductions. She hated Pilties — she knew that much. Previous encounters with people like Caitlyn had usually ended with Vi getting scolded by Vander or some other authoritarian figure.
But there was a nagging sensation in the back of her mind, pushing her to know more about her roommate.
Shut up, she thought. She’s no different than the rest.
The way Caitlyn looked at her was unsettling, too — that mix of nostalgia, regret, guilt and longing staring back at Vi each time she looked at Caitlyn. It made Vi feel like she owed Caitlyn something — but not in a bad way. It was difficult to explain.
It really didn’t help her confusion.
Vi sighed and rubbed her forehead, as though it could erase the strange way Caitlyn acted around her.
The sooner I’m out of here, the better.