Chapter 18
“Is the smell coming from here? Tell me it’s here. Tell me our dinner smells so good.” Sokka pushed her aside the moment she opened the door, led by his nose.
“Where is Tom-Tom?” asked Aang.
“He is already sleeping,” she answered, closing the door after him.
If Katara thought the house shrunk when Zuko entered, now it felt like the walls were pressing on each other. He was too close. This was too sudden. Katara wasn’t ready for it. She wasn’t ready for anything she had found out. She couldn’t even wrap her head around what just happened and thinking about what would happen if they all remained in the same house might melt her brain.
Her eyes tracked the boys while her thoughts raced to find a solution. He couldn’t go. She wouldn’t part ways with him like this. Not an option. But she couldn’t kick them out either. How could she keep her worlds from colliding? And how could she do it immediately before she fainted from taking too many deep breaths?
Sokka and Aang, too preoccupied with the pot, didn’t notice something was amiss with her. They stood side by side with their backs to her, Sokka lifted the lid from the pot and both of them hung their heads inside while Sokka’s hand searched for a spoon. She hurried into the kitchen before they ate straight from the pot.
“Why are you here so early?” she asked, taking the lid from her brother. Yes, use of force was necessary.
“We didn’t go,” Sokka answered with a frown. She did sound extremely unhappy about it.
“Someone got sick,” Aang added, “and you are right, Appa could use some rest.”
“We talked about this, buddy. Don’t group ‘you’re right’ and Katara together, that’s how she gets us,” Sokka said, getting his hands on a spoon and lifting it in triumph. “Someone got sick, and that’s why we didn’t go. Period.”
Katara snatched the spoon from his hand and pointed towards the doorway. “I’ll get the food ready while you wash your hands.”
Aang left without a complaint. Sokka’s entire demure switched to whining.
“Faster you go faster you come back,” she added before he could speak.
“Yuck.” He made a face of disgust. “Too much momness, Katara. We need to return Tom-Tom before you lose all your cool.”
“Some of us aren’t--” she started, her voice sharp, but the room was empty once again. This had been a long day and there were still so many hours left to it… Wasn’t it ironic one second she wanted to outrun the time and next the day couldn’t end fast enough. Sighing, she turned back to the pot, her eyes catching on the dish rack. She was sure neither had noticed there were three bowls or would ever wonder about it, but everywhere she looked everything reminded her he was still here. A breath away. Waiting for her.
What was she going to do?
They devoured the food like they hadn’t eaten in days. It made her feel even worse for thinking how to get rid of them while watching them eat. Not that this was the first time she wished she could get rid of both of them. It happened more often than she wanted to admit, but all of those times she had been insincere about it. Wishing them gone was usually born out of frustration at their childish behavior. She had never felt hostility towards them before. It’s not like they didn’t go on purpose or that it wasn’t a good thing, but no matter how many times she repeated it, the resentment wouldn’t budge a step. As if it was a beehive, ideas of how to kick them out buzzed in her mind. Or, as if to cover even the slightest possibility of accepting Zuko, was the one who needed to go. The worst of it all were the ideas themselves; the unkindness of her thoughts startled her. The words she wanted to say were harsh and mean, and there was a pang of glee at the prospect of saying them.
Katara squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to shut her thoughts. The imaginary wall she had built between herself and the prince popped into her mind. She couldn’t tell when it had happened, but the wall had cracked in multiple places, barely containing whatever it kept out. Or in. Her eyes flung open and darted around the room, trying to reorient her mind.
“I think we should have a change of plans,” she blurted out, more to distract herself rather than to have the conversation. Hadn’t she learned anything? How could she forget so fast about her lesson in ‘impromptu conversations’? Didn’t she already say too much that day? Hadn’t she regretted it the moment she spoke?
“What?! Why?” Sokka and Aang spoke in unison as if they shared a brain.
“I heard the Fire Nation princess is here,” Katara spoke with all the calm she could master, which wasn’t a lot. More like scraping the bottom of a pan. “She seems to know Tom-Tom’s family.”
Sokka looked around, drawing his bowl closer to his chest, making sure there was no immediate danger to his food. After he was sure of safety, he continued eating as if she hadn’t spoken, or better yet. It meant nothing. For some reason, the princess didn’t cause any worry.
“Didn’t you hear me? The princess is here.”
“We agreed no one would know our identity. What does it matter who is here?” asked Sokka.
“We can’t miss this opportunity, Katara,” said Aang. “We will be extra careful now that we know. Maybe she won’t even come to the exchange.”
Her brother nodded. “Yeah, what reason does she have to come? Plus it gives them time to prepare as much as it gives us if we wait. What if they come for us if we don’t show up? We have a plan and we should stick to it.”
Katara had nothing to counter their arguments with. She couldn’t focus enough to carry out the conversation, not to say she hadn’t planned on what she would say. How did that not shock both of them to suspect how freaked out she was?
All thoughts drifted to somewhere else. A strange urgency had awoken inside of her. Like a magnet, her room beckoned her. Or maybe it was that wall. Her mind kept drifting to it, no matter how much she tried to stop it. What lay beyond the cracks? What would happen once the wall was razed to the ground? Should she prevent it? Without it, would she feel what he felt?
Absentmindedly, she wandered closer and leaned her face into the crack. A bright light blinded her before something hot and violent licked her skin. Her eyes snapped open, and a tremor shot through her body. Wildfire. It was just wildfire and nothing else beyond.
Glass fell and shattered somewhere in the house.
Katara sprung from her chair, partially from the shock and partially to cover it up. Both of the boys were already on their feet. She rushed forward, blocking their way. “It’s probably Tom-Tom. You stay and finish eating. Whoever is the last gets to clean up.”
“Why is no one listening to me? Too much momness, Katara,” Sokka said.
“Are you okay, Katara?”
She nodded and tried an assuring smile. She wasn’t sure it worked. Not giving him a chance to ask more questions, she walk to the room and closed the door. Her eyes traveled from the sleeping baby to the broken vase to Zuko’s face. The prince looked perplexed.
Katara started talking as if she was talking to Tom-Tom. The prince took a step back. At least he was still here. And by the look on his face, they had a lot to talk about. Like they didn’t already.
She started collecting the large pieces of the broken vase before the boys barged into the room to check what was happening. It jolted the prince to help. Katara eyed him when he wasn’t looking, making sure he wasn’t injuries. Nothing seemed wrong externally. Internally... well, she needed more time to ask about that. They collected most of the glass inside the still intact base of the vase. She took the remnants of it from his hands and turned to leave under his wide-eyed stare. Then an idea formed in her mind. She wasn’t sure what about the situation made her think of it, but the idea was there and she would never think of anything better than that.
Katara moved towards the window instead of the door. She lowered the vase to the ground without making a sound by bending water from a nearby bucket, then walked to the shelf where she saw a small mirror and took it. She started talking as if she were talking to Tom-Tom while trying not to wake the baby, but loud enough to cover the noise of cracking the mirror. Zuko’s eyes never left her, or questions left his eyes.
After swiping away the remnants of the vase Katara returned to the kitchen with the broken mirror and announced in a gravelly voice, “A mirror broke.”
They stared at her in confusion.
“Is Tom-Tom okay?” asked Sokka.
Katara nodded. “He is fine. Back to sleeping.” Then continued talking in the same gravelly voice, “It’s a sign. I need to find out more about it.”
Sokka leaned closer to Aang. “Is the mirror broken, or is she? I’m not getting this.”
“I saw a fortuneteller on my way here,” Katara said, as if he hadn’t spoken. “I’m going to see her. I’ll be back.”
“I thought we learned our lesson with that one.”
“Tom-Tom will sleep peacefully if you will be quiet,” she said, undeterred. “If he wakes, it’s on you. I’ll be back soon.”
“Katara!”
“Katara, it’s too dangerous!”
“I’ll be back,” she said and shut the door behind her before she could think it through.
“What does a mirror have to do with anything?” she heard Aang ask. “Should we go after her?”
“Don’t come after me. Take care of the baby!” she whisper-yelled through the door.
No one came after her. What was she doing, and to what end? Before she could answer herself, she was climbing back into the house through the window in her borrowed room. Zuko stood at the door with his back to her, but spun around when she landed on the floor even though she hadn’t made a sound. She marched towards the prince confidently and grabbed his hand, dragging him to the window.
“What are you doing?” he whispered.
“Taking a few hours off from being Katara and you are coming with me.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered back. “I’m figuring it out as I go.”
The jump wasn’t high, but Zuko seemed to hesitate at the window. When he landed, it was so awkward, she knew something was wrong with his foot. She squatted to get a better look, but he drew back from her.
“What are you doing now?”
“What happened to your ankle?”
“Nothing serious. Almost healed.”
She got to her feet and stared at him with narrowed eyes. “Then why don’t you let me see it?”
“There is nothing to see.”
She nodded. Alright. They couldn’t do this here. First, they needed to put distance between the house and themselves. Then she would check if she could heal, which she already knew she did. He could protest as much as he wanted.
With little thinking, she took his hand and with zero consideration chose a direction to go.
“Katara, this isn’t a good idea.”
She halted mid-step, causing him to smack into her. If not for their quick reflexes, both would be face-planted on the ground. “I’m taking a break from Katara, didn’t you hear me? She can’t but I can have bad ideas.” She was all about bad ideas lately, wasn’t she?
“What if someone recognizes me? You can take a break, but I can’t be with you. I’m putting you in danger.”
That was a ridiculous thing to hear. If something, they were equally dangers to each other. “That’s be clear. I’m putting myself in danger. You aren’t. And you don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to,” she muttered the last part.
Zuko tagged at her hand until she turned and faced him. He leaned in, golden eyes searching. He didn’t say anything, just stared with a frown. Her eyes teared up for no reason at all. Then her lip quivered and no matter how much she tried to pull it all in, it kept spilling. He blinked rapidly, as if he had never seen a person cry before, and drew away from her. He still looked less freaked out than when Tom-Tom was climbing up his body, but freaked out nevertheless. She let his hand go and turned around. Wiping the tears, she blew out a shaky breath.
“Just now everything seemed uncomplicated when I wasn’t Katara,” she said, more to herself. “I just need time off. A few seconds or minutes where I’m not responsible for anyth--”
The prince pushed her against the nearest fence and buried his head in her throat, covering her shriek of protest with his hand over her mouth. Once he was sure she heard them and wouldn’t give them up by making a sound, he dropped his hand. His body remained flattened against her, pressing down as if to merge them into the fence. Her heartbeat drummed in her ears, barely able to listen to the footsteps drawing closer.
The cold stone dug in her back, making her wince. Her eyes snapped as the footsteps became louder. A small group of people moved up the street without so much as a look in their direction. she wanted to focus on them, but ignoring Zuko’s nose on her collarbone wasn’t the easiest thing to do. No one had put their nose on her collarbone before. She had probably never said ‘collarbone’ aloud. How could it leave her breathless?
Zuko’s back stiffened under her hands when they passed them. Katara frowned. Her hands? One of her hands was clutching his shirt and other resting on the nape of his neck. When her hands had found the time to move?
The worst part was, she wanted to stay wrapped up in the happy bubble and never to return to the other side of her world. As if he was all that mattered now. All that she wanted. Were the cracks in the wall expanding? Her eyes tracked the group moving further away from them, trying to change the course of her thoughts. She watched them until the light coming from their lanterns faded from her eyesight and she had a hold on herself.
Zuko didn’t move.
“Have you ever wanted to be a nobody?” she whispered in his ear. She was certain she had meant to say, they left, when she opened her mouth, but those words spilled from her lips. “I’ve never been a nobody, not even before the avatar. Someone always needed me as long as I remember, counted on me, relied on me. No days off. No excuses. Maybe it’s silly, but I’ve always been jealous of people who have the possibility to fade away. I just want to have a few hours off to be like everyone else, to experience something I may never experience again. I want to be free to do what I want, to feel what it’s like to run on the streets and giggle free of responsibilities...”
He leaned back and looked at her with a raised brow. “If you haven’t noticed, there is no running and giggling in our streets.”
“Are you telling me dancing and singing are out of the question?”
“Are these words in the dictionary you are giving me?”
She grinned. Just a few hours off to breathe. Before everything becomes too complicated.
They smiled at each other for a long moment. She wasn’t sure who realized it at first. Maybe they even realized it at the same time. Their proximity registered, and they sprung apart. Katara rubbed her arm, looking anywhere but at him. She felt so comfortable she had forgotten he was sprawled on top of her. The more she thought about it, the more she felt heat inside her growing.
Was this breathing?
“What about alcohol?” she whispered, trying to bring back the teasing nature their conversation had taken. That’s what she wanted to do while on a break. “Please tell me at least I can get drunk in this place.”
But he wasn’t looking at her, and by his expression, he wasn’t listening to her either. He was staring at the place she last saw the passersby, face blank. Finally, he looked at her. “Responsible people can never be free of responsibilities, Katara. Go back inside the house.”
How was he the voice of reason? And why more reasonable he became more the opposite she wanted to do?
“Do you seriously expect I will turn around and go? Especially with that tone of voice.”
He ran a hand down his face.
She resumed her walk towards who-knows-where.
“Katara.”
“That’s it. I decided,” she said without looking back, “if I’m on a break I must do at least one regrettable thing.”
“This is already regrettable.”
She felt a pang of sadness bloom in her heart. Now she wanted to run faster and further away as though she could outrun herself. Yet she couldn’t stop from trying. She squared her shoulders. There were already too many regrettable things between them. He was right. He wanted to regret this, too? Fine. It was his choice. She didn’t regretting their time together. Maybe it was twisted and maybe her mind would change, but she didn’t regret it in that moment and she wouldn’t allow his choice to affect hers.
And if he wanted to get away from her, he had that possibility too. Katara would accept it. But he couldn’t just leave.
“The way I see it,” she said and faced him to see his reaction, “either I take a break and then we discuss this thing between us, or immediately. Either way, we have a great many things to discuss before this day ends. It’s only a matter of when.”
He paled, as if that was a threat, which was what she hoped for. Because she felt very threatened by it. She wanted to run and never stop, so even the idea of what had happened to the vase wouldn’t catch up with her. Zuko stared at her for so long her hair grayed at the temples. He gave a curt nod, spun around, and strode down the street. That was too cryptic to jolt Katara into following him. It took him ten steps to stop. With a deep sigh, he turned around. “What is it this time?”
“Where are we going?”
“To do something regrettable.”
“And?”
“And?”
“We don’t know each other well enough to assume ‘regrettable’ means the same thing to the both of us,” she said, matching his tired tone.
“Is visiting my sister’s ship sufficiently regrettable?” then he add low but not low enough not to hear. “We don’t know each other at all.”
She took a few steps towards him from the shock. “What?! Why?!”
“She has something that belongs to me.”
“Won’t she know you are there?”
“She isn’t on her ship.”
“Won’t she know you were there?”
“She already knows I’m nearby, and that’s the point, I want her to know.”
That wasn’t exactly what she had in mind. Not what she wanted to be doing. “That’s a terrible idea.”
“You should go back inside.”
“Does that mean you are taking a break with me?” Was that really what was important?
“First you need to be somebody to wish to be nobody,” he replied and resumed walking away without looking back.