Now I'm a chapter
“I missed you,” Azula repeated.
Mai opened eyes and stared at the heavy drapes tracing the patterns. Often, the people closest to her mistook her lack of interest in the general scheme of living as inability to feel. But she had felt it all, examined it logically, and found it rather pointless. Maybe there was a point to life and hope but it was rather pointless to her. If she couldn’t be herself, what was the point in being someone else and hoping one day she wouldn’t be despised for her love capabilities? She was satisfied with the fact that she didn’t want to live as someone she wasn’t, like everyone seemed to do, and opted out to watch life pass her by from the sidelines. Sure it was boring, but better than daydreams and constant disappointment.
Azula was that one chink in her armor. Besides her, no one was capable of walking on her nerves. No one else provoked her or brought out emotions she had buried deep. Like an infection, she got into her system and no matter what she tried there didn’t seem to be a cure for it. But Mai managed to keep her at arms length, letting Azula believe she felt nothing. It wasn’t entirely a lie. She never dwelled on the things she couldn’t have. She hardly ever allowed herself to think about Azula during the time they were apart, and spent the time they were together struggling not to.
Despite years of sleeping in the same bed and Azula’s determination, she had kept their physical interactions to a bare minimum. Then on the last night at the Academy, the princess had managed to push all of her buttons at once. She wasn’t even sure when she had gotten so many buttons to begin with, but nevertheless Mai had finally reached her limit. She didn’t come to her senses until the next morning and by then it was all too late. She had plunged her life into a bowl of complications. And there was no way to return to the ‘before’.
Memories she kept locked up smashed into the iron gate, trying to claw their way out. She squeezed her eyes shut, multiplying numbers in her mind to keep focus. It was all futile. The past few months had shown her just how complicated her life became when her thoughts hardly left Azula. She convinced herself it was all to be prepared for this very moment. But the moment her ship docked at the shore, Mai realized nothing could prepare her. Apparently, before that night feeling nothing was the easiest thing she had to do.
“I missed you,” Azula repeated for the third time.
“I heard you.”
“And?”
“And? What do you want me to do about it?”
“Tell me you missed me too and mean it.”
“I missed you too,” Mai said and meant it. Whether she thought of her or not, it never stopped her from missing her. And she never lied to Azula. It only led to more trouble. That didn’t mean she never amplified or downplayed events but she never outright lied to her.
“Was it so hard?”
“I’m certain ‘happy to see you’ will finish me off.”
Azula snorted. “I’m surprised you can use ‘happy’ in a sentence.”
After a long minute passed in silence and Mai still didn’t speak Azula went back to playing with her hair, making ringlets and arranging them on her own shoulder. Why couldn’t she make herself get up? She had to face her, what could delaying it change? Not to say, her hands were stuck in an awkward position and the tingling sensation was maddening.
“I need your help,” Azula spoke softly as if sensing Mai was about to move. “Look at it as a rescue from the utter boredom this place oozes.”
Another long minute passed in silence. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to her but Mai was just unsure how to proceed. She needed to take stock and plan her moves.
“What if I tell you it’s not what you think it is.”
Mai blanked. It wasn’t? How could it not be? “You don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“I don’t need your help capturing your boyfriend,” Azula said, arrogantly.
Not many things evoked strong emotion in her but the reminder of Zuko’s status never failed to bring bitter taste to her mouth. It was another secret she kept. Another piece of her life that didn’t fit her. She should have never brought him into this. Knowing that now changed nothing. Back then she had been a child. And later it didn’t really matter.
And now...
Mai rolled off the bed like she could run from her thoughts. Her hair slid out of Azula’s hand, meeting no resistance. Without glancing at her, she straightened her clothes and went back to the chair. She sipped the tea and examined her fingernails in the candlelight. As expected they looked like they were dipped in black paint and smeared around. Probably the bed sheets were ruined. Not that it would be the first time or the last.
Mai might have preferred the sidelines but she never missed the opportunity to rebel. Her rebellions against the norm were never loud but once she stood up she didn’t always know when to back down either. Her black nails had been a hot topic in the Academy. Making this far with her head intact on her shoulders was because of her relationship with Zuko and Azula. She suspected the reason she got away with more than the most was due to Azula rather than Zuko. She always wondered what the Fire Lord exactly knew about his daughter but something stopped him from throwing Mai to the deepest, darkest place the Fire Nation had for what they considered anomalies.
“Aren’t you curious what it is?” Azula asked.
“Not particularly. Now that you heard my answer, will you be on your way?”
Azula chuckled but didn’t say anything else. Mai frowned, unable to gauge her mood. What was she up to? What did she need her help with if it wasn’t about Zuko? Was she playing with her? It wasn’t like Mai didn’t expect that. She was surprised it had taken this long for Azula to barge back in her life. Especially the way they left things. Mai had been sure the princess would find a way to coerce her into some scheme, forcing her to spend time together. But after months had gone by without a word, she had slowly started to believe she might have misjudged Azula. Like she ever listens to reason and takes no for an answer. Sometimes Mai stunned herself with her own naivety.
“I’m sorry if I made it sound like you have a choice,” the princess spoke from the bed.
“I always have a choice,” Mai matched her dark tone.
“If you are worried about your brother, we’ll rescue him together while we wait for Ty Lee.”
Mai closed her eyes. She should have really watched her wording when she wished for some excitement in her life. This wasn’t the sort of excitement she had in mind. If Ty Lee was coming, helping Azula became inevitable. One way or another, for one reason or another, she would be dragged into her scheming. And as long as they breathed the same air, Azula would insist on sleeping in her bed and sticking to her side at all times. Even herself, Mai was unsure what she would do this time once she reached her limit again. Was that Azula’s grand plan? Not that it didn’t end in her favor previously.
Letting out a small sigh, she reached for a cotton ball to wipe the paint before replying, “I didn’t ask for help.”
The bed creaked as the princess got up. Mai’s head turned to the side as if compelled. From the corner of her eye she watched Azula saunter towards her. Lips set into a smirk and eyes the color of lava. The Crown Princess had as many mood swings as the stars in the sky. Mai had the pleasure of making acquaintances with most of them. Found her own ways to deal with each one. Found her reasons to love each one. But out of all, the dark and unpredictable one never failed to invite her desires to come out and play...
...thirty-nine...seventy-eight...one hundred and fifty-six...three hundred and twelve...six hundred and twenty-four…
Azula stopped behind her, grabbing the back of her chair and spinning her around all the way. She leaned in, eyes darting around her face for a second. Staring up at the princess Mai’s heart flipped in its ribcage, waking from the slumber. She couldn’t help herself as her own features softened. Caught in her snare, she tilted her head closer. “Is this meant to scare me, Princess?”
To her surprise a knowing smile spread on Azula’s face as she reached out and trailed a finger down Mai’s arm. “Isn’t that why goosebumps cover your skin?”
As if dosed with cold water, Mai came to her senses. She grabbed Azula’s wrist and squeezed, moving her hand away. “How short do you want to cut your visit?”
Azula grinned completely unfazed. She straightened and hopped on the table next to her, while her wrist remained in Mai’s grasp. With the free hand she picked up the cup and sipped the tea. “You can keep lying to yourself but you can’t lie to me anymore.”
Mai’s hand tightened.
“You started this game, I’m just learning the rules.”
“Not necessary. In a minute you will be on your ship, sailing away,” she replied calmly, yet inside her the turmoil built. This was an uncharted territory for both of them and she couldn’t allow Azula to set the rules.
“Your confidence is inspiring, Mai.” Mai let go but before she registered what happened, Azula had grabbed her hand and pulled it in her lap. “This isn’t going to end the way you think it will.”
Mai relaxed back in her chair as her hand flipped palm up in her lap. Now she held Azula's hand. Pads of her fingers moved in lazy circles against her skin. Azula took a sharp breath, eyes widening. Maybe Mai spoke too soon, maybe this was her favorite version of Azula. The one who dissolved into unsureness at her touch. The one who seemed too starved to care about appearances. Azula’s breathing became uneven as her eyes moved downwards to stare at their hands.
In the before, she denied Azula love. In the now, she had to offer it?
Mai turned Azula’s hand and dropped the cotton ball she was holding in her open palm before she let her go with a caress. Keeping her face blank, Mai splayed her fingers over Azula’s thigh and waited patiently. The princess didn’t look at her as she picked up the small bottle containing alcohol and dubbed the cotton. She gently wiped the black paint from her thumb. She had soaked the cotton ball too much. Like she always did. Alcohol ran down between their fingers, ruining Azula’s pants. Like it always did.
Mai couldn’t take her eyes off of her. She wouldn’t be able to survive her. How long would she be forced to spend time with her? This was already testing her limits. What did she need? What was Azula up to? Where was Zuko? She had heard nothing of him. She knew he was inseparable from his uncle, so why was Iroh alone? Had Zuko hidden from Azula? How?
Mai only had a few minutes to talk with her servant before the princess was marching towards her bedroom. She knew Iroh was poisoned with something deadly from the Earth Kingdom and they didn’t have a cure for it but nothing more. Who poisoned Iroh? It wasn’t Azula’s style, she knew that much. Not to say, the old man had his share of enemies.
if she wasn’t here because of Zuko, what else could it be? Was the cure that brought her here? She didn’t believe it would be that easy. Why did it feel like it fell on her to make sure the princess didn’t do anything the world was going to regret? Had anyone asked if she wanted the job? She didn’t. She groaned internally. It wasn’t that Mai didn’t have all of those questions or that curiosity wasn’t burning her, she just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.
Azula’s entire attention remained on her nails. She was bent at the waist, rubbing the cotton ball back and forth until all traces of the paint were gone before she moved to the next nail. Once she was done, she looked up and smiled at Mai. “Now the other one, please.”
“What do you need my help with?”
Her smile turned into a smirk. “I thought you didn’t want to know.”
“I don’t but you aren’t leaving no matter what I want, are you?”
“The other hand, please.”
Mai observed her in silence.
“The other hand, Mai.”
“Did your army retire?”
“I’ve repeated myself three times, for the second time today.” She looked at her pointedly. “Later don’t tell me I didn’t ask nicely.”
Mai tilted her head to the side. “Stay out of my business and I’ll help you.”
Azula grabbed her chin and brought her face closer with wet fingers, the smell of alcohol making Mai wince. “This isn’t going to end the way you think it will. You keep making me repeat myself and my patience wears thin.”
She leaned into her touch. “Won’t it?”
“Don’t forget now I know you can’t allow yourself to harm me or love me, how long you think you can keep this up?”
The princess had misunderstood her. A cold smile spread on Mai’s face. “Try me, Princess.”
Whatever Azula read on her face must have been in the perfect alignment with her thoughts because she retreated. She let her chin go and grabbed her hand as if afraid Mai would move it from her thigh.
“We aren’t negotiating over anything. You are coming with me and I’m rescuing your brother. We don’t have to wait, if you want we can go find him tonight.”
This was exactly why she didn’t want her involved. While Mai might have loved unpredictable Azula the most, she never claimed that version of her was that great. Especially as a partner in a rescue mission. She wouldn’t let anything go wrong but with Azula there she couldn't make sure. She considered everything from putting chains on her to poisoning her food. In the end, Mai concluded the only time she trusted Azula was when she could keep her eyes on her.
“The moment you interfere, Princess, I’ll be joining the Avatar.”
Her movements faltered before she regained her control, peering at her under the lashes. “Your wish is my command. Now your hand, Mai.”
Rolling her eyes, she let Azula pull her hand to her lap. “If it’s not Zuko or Iroh, what do you need my help with?”
Smiling triumphantly, Azula held her gaze as she picked up the small bottle with the black paint and shook it a few times. Then her attention returned to her nails without uttering a sound. Just like while removing the paint, her focus was razor-sharp as she applied a new coat on the nails. Mai let the princess work. Her hands were steady and the movements well practiced from years of repetition. Just like playing with her hair, painting her nails had been like something Mai allowed herself to let Azula do rather than allowing Azula.
Mai didn’t know when she closed her eyes but they sprung open when the princess lifted her hand up to her lips and blew on the nails.
“Azula,” Mai said sternly.
“I want you to help me capture the Avatar.”