Chapter 4
Breathe in. Out.
“Hi, Joel.”
Joel, of course, didn’t say anything back.
Ellie shifted her weight from foot to foot, staring down at the headstone of Joel’s grave. It was covered in a layer of frost, save for his name which she’d wiped clean, and a heap of snow sat on top. For some reason that little pile was bothering her.
She hadn’t meant to come here. It was nighttime and she’d meant to lay down and try to fall asleep, but, well…that try part hadn’t worked out so well. She gave up after an hour, too restless to pass out, apparently. Instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours, she’d decided to go for a walk. No destination in mind – she figured she’d just do a lap around the center of Jackson where all the stores were – and she didn’t pay attention to where exactly she was going until she passed the first grave and then found herself standing in front of Joel’s. It was the first time in a year or more that she’d come to visit him.
“Sorry I haven’t been around,” she muttered. “After Seattle, I…”
Couldn’t.
“Dina had a baby. I was helping her out.”
Ellie stopped, then groaned and ran a hand down her face. Jesus, she was lying to a headstone.
And yet that headstone was making her feel all screwed up inside. She’d avoided the grave for a reason: her failure in Seattle made her too guilty and too upset to come here again. The guilt this time was even heavier because this time she’d chosen to fail, and she couldn’t decide whether Joel would have been pissed at her or not for it. She believed that he wouldn’t, that he’d just be happy that she came back alive, but the idea that he would hate her for not getting revenge on the woman who killed him was stuck in her mind. Just a little bit of doubt, that was enough.
He wouldn’t have wanted me to go that far, she thought.
He would have done it for you, Tommy had said.
And what did she know? She’d only known Joel for five years, and most of that had been spent shutting him out. Tommy was his brother.
It wasn’t just her guilt that kept her away, either. Deep down, she still felt angry with him. She hadn’t forgiven him at all for what he’d done to the Fireflies and to her, even now. Understood it? Sure. Forgiven? Not yet, and maybe never. But who hunted a woman across the country because they hated the person she killed? And she didn’t hate him – not anymore, anyway – but she hadn’t realized how much she still cared about him until she was pinned on the floor watching him…watching her…
Ellie closed her eyes tight and took a few deep breaths before opening them again. That snow pile was still there.
She’d meant to come back to his grave eventually, hoping that maybe it would do something, spark something inside of her that would answer the question of what the fuck she felt about him. She loved him, but she couldn’t forgive him, but she was trying, but she’d had to let go.
But this was just a grave.
She stood stuck to the ground for another minute, then slowly stepped around to the other side of the headstone and sat down with her back pressed against it, knees pulled up to her chest. Tiny snowflakes settled on her hair as she buried her face in her arms. The moment she closed her eyes, Abby crept into her mind.
She’d found her. She had found Abby, not the other way around this time. Abby had gotten thin since last time, and by the time Ellie showed up she was almost dead already. She was tied up right in front of her, could barely move, couldn’t even put up a fight. Ellie could have shot her, made it quick, or could have taken her knife and made it hurt. She’d had it in her hand. She could have done it.
But neither felt right. She didn’t want it to be quick. No gun. But…she didn’t want to draw it out like that. No knife.
So many times she could have just ended it, from the moment she found Abby to when they were about to climb into the boats. Maybe the kid was what stopped her, the way Abby held him, how she could barely walk but wouldn’t let him go. Maybe she didn’t want to be the reason why he’d wake up alone and barely alive with Abby’s corpse next to him. He was just a kid.
At least, that’s what she tried to tell herself was the reason, but if it was then she wouldn’t have pressed her knife to his throat.
She would have done it. In that moment, at least, she was pretty sure she would have. The idea made her want puke now (did make her puke before), but whatever to get to Abby, right?
And in the end, she couldn’t even finish it. Had her under the water and she just let her go. She didn’t want to, but she didn’t not want to. After all she’d done, all she’d been through, everyone she’d killed, Abby, Abby who had beaten Joel to death with a fucking golf club, was the last straw? She’d killed Jesse and almost killed Tommy and Dina and JJ. She deserved it more than anyone, didn’t see?
But, the same could be said of Ellie, couldn’t it? She’d tortured Norah to death, she’d killed that pregnant woman and her baby, she’d almost killed a fucking kid.
She was shaking.
“Joel, I…I’m…”
The words died in her mouth. She bit her cheek and tried again, and again nothing but steam came out. Finally, she stopped.
Five minutes passed, then ten. Finally, she let out a long sigh and pushed herself onto her nearly numb feet.
“I should go. Don’t want to lose my toes, too,” she mumbled, pulling her coat tighter around her. She glanced back at the grave, then reached forward and pushed the snow off of the headstone. Then she left.
The streets were completely empty this late at night. It was slightly eerie compared to how lively Jackson was during the day, but at least there was life. She still got jumpy at loud noises and hadn’t stopped occasionally checking over her shoulder just yet, but she knew she was safe and if she screamed there would be people to help and that was enough.
It was around two in the morning, maybe later, but a few houses still had their lights on. Ahead of her she saw a door open and someone step out with what looked like a bottle in their hands. It took a few more steps for her to recognize who it was, and when she did she grimaced and pulled the hood of her coat up hoping that it would hide her face as she walked past.
Of course, it was not use trying to hide from her.
“Ellie! Hey!” Cat called. Ellie stopped in her tracks and resisted the urge to groan.
“Hi, Cat,” she said, giving Cat a quick wave.
“It’s late as hell, what are you doing out here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
Cat made a vague gesture to the house behind her. “Getting some fresh air. Me and some others were having a game night – do you want to join? We’d all love to have you.” She held out the bottle in her hand. “Drink?”
“No thanks. I’m headed home right now, actually.”
“Oh, yeah? I’ll join you.”
“Actually I’d –”
“Too late, it’s already happening.” She drained the last of her drink and set the empty bottle on the ground, then jumped off the porch and sidled up to Ellie with a cheeky grin on her face. Ellie sighed but didn’t fight it; Cat would do what she wanted.
Despite Cat’s initial enthusiasm, though, the walk started off in an awkward silence. Ellie stuffed her hands into her pockets and found herself looking at everything but Cat. They hadn’t actually talked in months, mostly because Ellie had been avoiding her…well, she’d been avoiding everyone since Joel died. The last time she’d spoken to Cat was at Jesse’s funeral, and even then they’d barely said more than a few words to each other.
Ellie glanced at Cat from the corner of her eye. She should say something, right?
“Your hair’s different,” she decided, noting that Cat had shaved the bottom half of her head, though the hair there had already grown out a little. Still kept the bangs.
Cat ran her fingers through the fuzz. “Yeah, I figured I’d try something new. You like it?”
“Sure.”
“‘Sure’? Jeez, why don’t you just stab my heart out?”
“Well, what do you want me to say?”
“It looks amazing on you, Cat.”
“It looks okay on you, Cat,” Ellie said, rolling her eyes. Cat clicked her tongue in annoyance.
“Smartass. Nice to know you haven’t changed all that much, at least.”
She already knew the answer, but still asked, “What do you mean?”
Cat hesitated, looking like she hadn’t meant to let that part slip. She was usually so bold and blunt, and tripping her up like this would have been funny under any other circumstance. Ellie was almost disappointed that she didn’t get to enjoy it.
“I mean, we haven’t talked in forever and…you looked different after…when you got back. The first time, I mean.”
“From Seattle. You can say it.”
“From there, yeah. And then I heard you want to California, and –”
“Everyone knows about that, huh?” Ellie muttered.
“We did when Dina moved into her old place. You know how nosey Jackson is.” Cat sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m glad that you’re back and that you’re still the Ellie I know, mostly.”
Well, it was a good thing someone thought that. She didn’t.
“Hey, by the way…how are you and Dina?”
Ellie groaned. “Cat…”
“I’m not trying to start shit! I’m just asking. Jeez. I don’t get jealous like that, unlike –” She hesitated, noticing Ellie’s raised eyebrow. “I don’t get jealous. There, that’s it. I’m just asking because I still care about you, y’know. We’re still friends, right?”
“Yeah, we are.” A sigh. “Me and Dina are fine. That’s it.”
Minus the fact that Ellie had gone back to mostly avoiding her again, but they still talked sometimes. It was something.
“Well, good,” Cat said. “I just wanted to make sure that was all okay, and that you’re okay.”
Ellie mumbled out a sort of thanks. It was nice, at least, that she and Cat were still okay even after breaking up and anything after that. She’d seen plenty of people who went straight to hating their exes once they broke up and had never wanted that with her and Cat. Cat was a good friend. A little much at times, sure, but nice to be around.
They reached the garage a few minutes later, both of their faces red from the cold. Ellie stopped at the door and turned to say goodbye, but before she could get the words out Cat had already yanked her into a tight hug.
“I missed you, El.” She gave her a squeeze, then pulled back and smiled. “You’ll come hang out some time, right?”
“I –”
“Right?”
It was clear then that there was no saying no; she would either come on her own or Cat would make her. So, she sighed and nodded.
“Right.”
Cat’s smile got even bigger. She hugged Ellie one more time before stepping away. “Go get some sleep, I’ll see you later. Goodnight!”
“’Night.”
The moment Ellie was back in her garage she flopped facedown onto her bed, suddenly feeling drained, regretful, and even a little angry. She should have said no. She already didn’t want to hang out with Cat or any of their other friends (were they still her friends?) before, but now she almost dreaded the idea. But of course, Cat never took no for an answer, not even for something as simple as not walking with someone who clearly wanted to be alone. Sure, she would try and avoid the whole thing and act like she forgot about it, but that would just wind up with Cat banging on her door or ambushing her later and dragging her wherever the hell she wanted like she always did. There was a reason they’d broken up! She’d though they had both learned from that? Did Cat just not care?
…No. No, of course she cared. She wouldn’t have asked in the first place if she didn’t.
Ellie flipped onto her back and pressed the palms of her hands against her eyes, then began pulling off her boots. “Just try to be positive about it,” she grumbled as she took her coat off and crawled under the sheets. “Hanging out with real people is less weird than hanging out in a graveyard.”
Her head sank into the pillow, one arm hanging off the side of the bed. Just as she was about to close her eyes, a faint shimmer caught her attention. Focusing on it, it looked like the moonlight was shining on something stuck halfway under her nightstand. She shimmied closer to the edge and leaned down just enough that the tips of her fingers could press against it and pull it out into the open, revealing what turned out to be an old DVD case. The cover was faded and barely visible in the moonlight, but she could just make out the words Jurassic Park.
Her fingers gently brushed over the plastic cover. A long moment passed before the case was picked up and set on top of the nightstand.
She’d go see Cat in the morning.