Chapter 2
It was still dark out when Ellie entered the diner. There weren’t many people inside save for a few early risers and a small group getting ready to go out on patrol. A few of them glanced her way as she walked to the counter but beyond that didn’t pay her much attention, and that was fine by her.
“Mornin’, Ellie,” the man behind the counter, Darnell, said as she approached, giving her a smile that was too big and bright for this early in the morning. Though considering it was him here and not Seth, she didn’t mind too much.
“Morning,” she mumbled, shaking the quickly melting snow from her hair.
“What’ll it be today?”
“Just a drink. Something warm.”
“Sure you don’t want anything to eat?” he asked, like he didn’t know the answer.
“Not hungry.”
Darnell sighed and shook his head, but he didn’t give her crap about it, at least. “Well, we’ve got tea, as usual. Might still have one thing of coffee left in the back. Or…” He trailed off, then made a show of looking around as if to make sure the coast was clear. He leaned in, and when he spoke again it was in a hushed voice. “Pat’s in the back making eggnog right now. If you want, and if you keep it a secret, you can be the first to have some.”
“Oh shit, really?” He nodded. “Alright, sure.” Might as well. The moment the rest of Jackson found out about it, the eggnog would be gone within an hour.
Darnell’s giant grin was back. “Alright, I’ll go let her know! Grab a seat and get comfortable, it’s gonna be a little before it’s ready,” he said before disappearing into the back.
Ellie took a seat at the counter and began to take off her coat and gloves, though she hesitated for a second when it came to her left glove. Slowly, she pulled it off, revealing the wrappings underneath, and was certain she could feel people staring at it. The skin on the back of her hand started to itch.
It had been a month since she’d come back to Jackson, this time for good. The first week had been the worst part, what with the whole damn town hearing about what had happened to her and people either showing up at her door or ambushing her while she was outside, trying to check up on her, ask if she needed anything, drop off food that she never ate, and so on. They meant well, but it all just felt suffocating and overwhelming. By the second week she’d taken to barely going out and only answering the door to a few people. Someone, probably Maria, must have said something because the visitors pretty much stopped after that.
Since then she had done her best to return to a normal life, whatever that meant, and everyone else followed along. People still stared sometimes when she walked by, but overall it had stopped much quicker than last time. Now their eyes were mostly drawn to her hand, still wrapped. They all probably thought it was to keep the stumps of her fingers covered, but she could care less about that. A bite, on the other hand…
She ran her thumb across where the bite was. When she lifted her head, she noticed a woman to her left staring at her hand. Their eyes met and the woman immediately turned away from Ellie’s hard stare, ears going pink.
The front doors opened, sending a brief chill through the room. More people began to trickle in as it got lighter outside, filling the diner with the quiet buzz of sleepy chatter. A few gave her quick ‘hello’s and ‘good morning’s, but otherwise left her alone, and she was fine with that. If she hadn’t decided to wait, she would have been gone by now anyway.
“Hey you.” Ellie looked up from the shapes she’d been tracing on the counter and found Maria standing next to her. “Fancy seeing you here this early.”
“I’m just waiting for a drink,” Ellie muttered.
“Mhm. And I’m assuming you got enough sleep last night?”
“Yeah.”
Maria raised an eyebrow.
“I did. Really.” A few hours, anyway, which was enough sleep for her. Maria didn’t see it the same way, but she couldn’t do anything about it but tell Ellie she needed to take better care of herself. Besides, it wasn’t like it was her choice to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep.
Maria pulled up a seat and put in her breakfast order. With her there, Ellie was able to relax a little. When she’d returned from Santa Barbara, she’d expected Maria to be beyond pissed with her. Which, well, she had been, but she’d been happier to see Ellie alive more than anything, and quick to forgive. Most of her anger had been directed at Tommy. She blamed him for Ellie leaving, even though it had been her own decision. It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought about going after Abby again before then – Tommy just had the last bit of push she needed.
Since coming back, Maria had made it her job to keep a close eye on Ellie, make sure she was alright. Or, that she was functioning, at least. She used to think Maria was kind of overbearing at times, but right now she didn’t mind it so much. She’d been on her own for months, so it was nice to have someone looking out for her now, even if she didn’t always act like it.
“Garden duty today, right?” Maria asked while she rummaged through the bag at her side. Ellie nodded, though was paying more attention to the mug in Darnell’s hand than what Maria was saying. She took it with a thanks and immediately took a big gulp. It was well worth the wait.
Two small wrapped packages were waving in front of her face when she put the mug down. She raised an eyebrow and, though she was pretty sure she knew the answer, asked, “What are those?”
“Sandwiches. For your lunch.”
“That’s –”
“Don’t you say it.” She set the sandwiches down on the counter. “They’re for you, and you’d better eat them. Don’t make me force feed you.” She said it like a joke, but Ellie was pretty sure she could do it.
“Alright, alright…”
“Wait, what is that?”
Ellie quickly lifted the mug to her lips. “Nothing.”
“Don’t worry, Maria,” Darnell said with a chuckle as he passed. “I’ll get you some, too.”
The diner was starting to get louder. Ellie just about chugged down the rest of her drink, then stuffed the sandwiches into her coat pockets and stood from her seat. Maria watched her, frowning.
“Leaving already?”
“I kinda want to get an early start.”
Maria sighed, then immediately began to grimace as Ellie pulled on her gloves. “Oh, Jesus, you still have that?” she asked, eyes on the left glove.
Ellie’s left glove had been modified so the fabric of the last two fingers closed closer to her stumps instead of flapping around with the empty space. This glove in particular had been Maria’s first and last attempt. She’d cut off the excess length of the last two fingers and then tried to use the extra fabric to patch over the holes, though they’d ended up coming out lumpy and misshapen. She’d gotten someone else to do the rest of Ellie’s gloves after that.
“Didn’t I give you a bunch of better ones?”
Ellie shrugged. “Yeah, but I like this one.”
“It’s ugly.”
“So? It works.” She kind of like that it was ugly, anyway. Besides, she could care less about how bad it was; she was just happy that Maria had tried at all.
“If you say so.” Another sigh and she shook her head. “Alright, well, be good. See you later?”
“Sure.” Ellie gave Darnell a goodbye wave, then hurried out of the diner.
Jackson had begun to wake up, stores beginning to open and people heading to that day’s assignment. Ellie’s was in the gardens. She’d hated garden duty a few years ago, it being too slow and monotonous for her liking, and had been itching to go out on patrols and clear infected from the surrounding areas. Much more fun than pruning plants. She’d changed her mind since, but it wasn’t killing infected that she had a problem with. She wasn’t going to be taking patrols any time soon, anyway; Maria wanted to keep her where she could readily check in on her, and aside from that she refused to let anyone go out if she didn’t think they were fit for it. She’ pushed Ellie to taking up jobs within Jackson, though Ellie hadn’t needed much pushing to begin with.
It was fine. She didn’t mind the gardens so much anymore. They were a nice and quiet place to hole out in for a day, and at least she felt like she was doing something meaningful with herself.
A small building off to the side of the gardens was her first stop. Elizabeth, one of the people in charge of the gardens, was inside. She gave Ellie her gloves, scissors, and a basket and set her on harvesting the spinach, then kept her standing there for over fifteen minutes while going over in extreme detail the correct way to harvest spinach so it would keep growing over winter, then making her repeat everything she’d said. Twice.
“Alright, I’d better get on it!” Ellie said very loudly before Elizabeth could make her do it a third time, then practically ran out the door. Elizabeth was a nice woman, but she could be a real pain when it came to the gardens.
With one last look over her shoulder to make sure Elizabeth wasn’t about to come running after her, she made her way to greenhouse H. She noticed there was already someone else inside, but only realized who it was a second too late.
“Dina,” Ellie breathed, standing stone still in the middle of the doorway. Dina looked up from the plant she was cutting, and she seemed just as surprised as Ellie.
They stayed still and staring at each other for a long, awkward minute. Ellie shuffled on her feet, then finally broke the silence with a quiet, “Hi.”
“Hey,” Dina replied, offering a small smile. That alone was enough to knock the air out of Ellie again.
Ellie stepped inside and turned to close the door. She felt Dina’s eyes on her but was too nervous to turn around again. Instead, she set herself in front of the first spinach plant at the opposite row and asked, “Have you done these yet?”
“No. I just started, actually.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Goddammit, Elizabeth. Did she do this on purpose?
For a long time, there was no noise except for their scissors clipping off spinach leaves. From the get-go Ellie was making mistakes, too focused on the fact that Dina was only a few feet away, and ended up cutting too close to the leaf or not cutting all the way through the first time. She had to force herself to slow down, and she’d only finished with her first plant when Dina was halfway done with her third.
Since coming back, things had been tense and awkward with Dina, though she’d expected as much. Dina had been relieved the night Ellie had shown up at Jesse’s parents’ house…at first. Then she’d quietly cried her eyes out while Ellie told her exactly what she’d told Tommy, and the night had ended with Dina taking her back out onto the porch and yelling at her, then storming back inside and slamming the door behind her, a clear sign that Ellie was no longer welcome. The whole time Ellie had nothing to say but that she was sorry, and that just seemed to make Dina angrier. But, what else could she say? She made a mistake? She shouldn’t have gone? She didn’t even tell Dina the truth about Abby – couldn’t. It would have been even more of a slap in the face.
They’d only talked to each other once after that when Dina had shown up at Ellie’s with a large bowl of beef and broccoli that she’d made. It was one of Ellie’s favorites, in fact.
“I know you’re probably not eating much, but I figured you’d eat this,” she’d said, and Ellie had. At that point, it was probably the first proper meal she’d eaten in weeks.
They’d talked only a little, but it was enough for Dina to make it clear that she still cared about Ellie, but that she wasn’t even sure she wanted to be with her again, not after what Ellie had done. She needed time to figure things out, she’d said. It hurt but wasn’t a surprise. Waltzing right back into Jackson and picking up from where they’d left off sounded like some shitty fairytale.
After that they’d ended up sort of avoiding each other. Well, Ellie had definitely been avoiding Dina, at least. The most they’d said to each other was “Hi.” She wondered if she should say something now…
They continued down their rows, getting closer and closer to each other. Ellie was keenly aware of Dina’s body right behind her, and it was almost painful to not be able to turn around and hug her or kiss her or just…touch her, even just a little bit. She wondered if Dina felt the same at all. Hoped so.
“So, um,” Ellie began, desperate to break the tension. “I, uh, I thought you said before that you usually work at the daycare now.”
“I like changing it up sometimes,” Dina said, completely casual and collected. Ellie chanced a look behind her just to see Dina calmly and methodically snipping away with steady hands. How did she manage to stay so put together?
Ellie opened her mouth, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Instead, she turned back to the spinach and tried to focus on just that and not how stupid she felt, or on how guilty.
As she finally managed to calm herself down and keep her hands steady, she started to pick up speed, but Dina still outpaced her. Ellie had only started on her third-to-last plant when in the corner of her eye she saw Dina stand up from her very last one. She also noticed Dina turn to look at her, and for a while she just stood there. Ellie did her best to pretend that she hadn’t seen anything, and that it didn’t make her nervous. Was Dina going to leave? God, she hoped not.
“Hey, Ellie?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want to come say hi to JJ after this?”
She almost dropped the scissors.
She tried not to look too shocked as she turned to Dina. Dina kept a mostly straight face, but there was a little line between her eyebrows, and when Ellie turned she offered up a small, hesitant smile.
“I’m sure he’d love to see you,” she added. “I think he’s missed you as much as I have.”
Ellie’s chest ached, and she felt both unbelievably happy and extremely guilty. But, she sure as hell wasn’t going to say no.
“Yeah, I’d love to,” she answered, and a look of relief passed over Dina’s face.
“Okay. We can go after giving these to Liz. I’ll just, wait here until you’re done.”
Needless to say she was quick to finish.
They left the gardens together. A few people glanced at them as they walked by, and Ellie kept her head down to avoid seeing their curious faces. She was happy right now, and she didn’t want any of them to take that from her, even if they didn’t mean to. Her eyes landed on Dina’s hand, and despite wanting to reach out and hold it, she stuffed her own hands into her pockets. Not the right time. Dina would probably pull away from her if she tried, anyway.
The walk only took five minutes. When they entered the daycare, Ellie decided to sit and wait by the front door. Dina disappeared behind the corner and a second later there was a chorus of tiny voices excitedly calling her now. Ellie couldn’t help but smile. Kids had always lived Dina. Ellie, on the other hand, wasn’t always the best with them. She was pretty sure she tended to intimidate the hell out of them just by existing. JJ was the exception.
Speaking of. Dina came back holding a very smiley and very adorable baby boy in her arms, though when he saw Ellie his smile faded away and he just started staring. She laughed a little. He’d done the same thing the last time she’d seen him, and at least this time it didn’t hurt as much to know that he probably didn’t remember much about her.
“Hey little guy,” Ellie said when they get closer. Dina sat beside her and twisted JJ in her lap so he was fully facing Ellie. He didn’t stop staring. Ellie leaned to one side, then the other, and he just kept following with his huge brown eyes.
“Is she the most interesting person you’ve ever seen?” Dina said to him. She was smiling, and for a moment Ellie was more distracted by that than by JJ. “It’s weird that he’s so quiet, he’s usually such a chatterbox.”
“Like his mom?”
Dina scoffed. “More like his grandpa.”
Ellie sat up straight and started making funny faces, sticking her tongue out or screwing up her face real tight or squishing her cheeks in. JJ’s grin came back immediately, getting bigger and bigger with each new face until he finally started to giggle. “That’s better.”
Dina gently bounced JJ on her lap for a moment, looking thoughtful, then asked, “You wanna hold him?”
Ellie froze. “Oh, is that – is that okay?”
“Should we ask him? Ahem – JJ, is it okay if Ellie holds you?” Dina asked, leaning around to see his face. He was too busy watching Ellie to even acknowledge her. “I think that’s probably a yes.”
“Oh, well, if he says so…”
Thankfully JJ didn’t pull away when Dina began to pass him over. She pulled away once she was sure Ellie had a firm hold on him, and as she did her fingers brushed against the bottoms of Ellie’s hands. They both flinched away from each other, just a little bit, and were looking at anything but each other. Neither one of them said anything about it, but the skin on Ellie’s hands felt warm for a long time after.
Ellie played with JJ for a bit, tickling him and blowing raspberries and flipping him over her knees so he was halfway dangling upside-down from her arms. He loved that one, so much so that when Ellie stopped doing it he decided to throw himself back, catching her off-guard. Ellie and Dina both jumped forward to catch him, and Ellie managed to stop him before he could tumble all the way off her lap. She and Dina looked up at each other, and after a split-second the both started to laugh.
“I think that’s enough for you,” Ellie chuckled, turning JJ around so his back was to her and keeping her arms locked tight around him. She and Dina laughed again when he tried to throw himself back, again, and let out a frustrated whine when he couldn’t, and for a moment…for a moment everything felt good and easy, like she’d never left at all.
Then their laughs faded away and the uneasy tension came creeping back. It shouldn’t have been like this, her and Dina being hesitant about whether it was okay to see JJ or not or being nervous about Ellie being able to hold him. They’d been a happy family before, and now here they were, picking up pieces and trying to fit them back together bit by bit. Might not even find some of them.
Ellie took JJ’s hand between her fingers and sighed. Was she even good enough for them anymore?
A better question was, had she ever been?
Maybe it was time to go. She looked up at Dina and was about to come up with some excuse to leave, but then stopped when she found Dina staring at JJ’s hand on Ellie’s, her own hands curled into loose fists on her lap. She was smiling just a little, but it was sad, and it was tired. She looked almost like she was about to cry.
“Hey. Is this okay?” Ellie gently asked. Dina’s eyes flickered to hers, and she took a deep breath through her nose before answering.
“Yeah. This is okay.”