The Little Book of Larry

Harry rolled over in bed.  He’d tried and long given up on the idea of sleeping as he just couldn’t get the images of the other boy’s out of his head.  He’d previously spent hours scrolling through Twitter and Instagram and Facebook looking at pictures of his former friends, his former band mates.  

He’s scrolled through image after image after image of each boy, or should he say man, with their toned stomachs and tight abs.  He’d looked at thousands and thousands of photos showing their well sculpted, muscled legs.  He’d clicked on picture after picture of their defined jaw lines.  Time, it appears, had treated them all so well.

It was too bad the same could not be said for himself.  

Harry moved so he was lying on his back and absentmindedly began running his hands along his own chest and stomach.  Imagining what it would be like to have the same chiselled abs and toned torso.  His fingers tapping and trailing on each individual rib.  He imagined what it would be like to be able to eat whatever he wanted without a second thought.  His hand made its way from the top of his rib cage, down each rib and across his concave stomach.  He imagined what it would be like to look in the mirror and see a slim, strong body looking back at him.  He let his fingers dance and draw pretty lines and swirling patterns all the way down his torso, stopping only to briefly cup his protruding hip bones.  He imagined what it would be like to look and feel good.

“Harry, you awake?” Called Liam,

Harry was quick to sit up.  Confusion clouded his hunger ridden, sleep deprived brain.

Was Liam really there, if so, why?  He hadn’t seen Liam or any of the other boys in years.

“Harry?” He called again,

Harry stood up, hastily throwing on a long-sleeved sweater and sweats before opening his bedroom door to reveal both Liam and Niall stood in his living room.

“I… what are you doing here?” Asked Harry.

He didn’t want to seem rude but it had been three years.  He wanted to know how they got in and, most importantly, what they were doing there.

“Harry,” Niall smiled brightly, “How long has it been?”
Harry crossed his arms over his chest.  Partly because he was annoyed at the other man's avoidance of his question but also to try and conserve his body heat and hide the fact he was shivering.

“Why are you here?” He asked again, a little more forcefully than before.

Liam stepped closer, a brief look of hurt flashing on his face before it disappeared.

“Don’t you remember, H?” He smiled, “We have a meeting with management today and it was arranged that I’d take you and Niall.”

He spoke as if it were all so simple.  As if it hadn’t been three years of no contact.  As if everything was still the same.  But it wasn’t, it wasn’t the same and it never would be.  He hadn’t even arranged to drive with Niall and Liam.  He was going to drive himself but management wanted them to be seen together, to start some new gossip.  Ever since the hiatus started that's all Syco did.  Cheap, lame publicity stunts to start useless gossip that got no one any further in life.

He’d completely forgotten about the meeting.  In all honesty, he’d never intended to go.  He was always going to phone in sick.  He didn’t even know why they were having a meeting in the first place.  It was completely pointless.

“Now, hurry up and get dressed!” Niall called, his smile never faltering.

Harry allowed his shoulders to slump forward.

“I’m not going,” He spoke slowly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Liam walked closer to Harry.  Facial expression morphing into one of concern.

“What’s wrong Harry, are you okay?” Liam continued walking but stopped when Harry backed away, “Are you sick?”
“Y...y..yeah.” He replied, “I’m contagious so you guys should go so you don’t get sick.”
From Liam’s facial expression, you could tell he wasn’t sure whether to believe the younger man or not.  He was about to question it when Niall cut in, calling from the kitchen.

“Harry, where d’you keep your food? I want a snack!”
Liam made sure to take note of the way Harry’s eyes widened slightly and his face paled.

“In the kitchen.” Replied Harry, his tone sounding confused and unsure, “The cupboards and fridge and freezer and well… yeah.  The kitchen.”
Niall stepped back into the living room.

“Well, duh.  But there's like, no food in there?” Questioned Niall.

“Yeah.  I...I uh… I need to do a food shop but I’ve been ill, I mean, I am ill but I uh.  I’m going to get some rest.  I’ll see you two soon though, yeah?” Harry rambled.

Liam was about to say something else but Harry had already retreated back to his room and locked the bedroom door, stopping the other boys from entering.

As soon as his bedroom door was locked Harry could feel the panic coming on.  He let himself slip down the door and curled into a fetal position on the floor.  Taking shaky breaths to try and soothe his mind.  He allowed himself to shrink into his oversized sweater as tears fell freely from his eyes.

He didn’t know how long he’d been on the floor for but he only realised he’d fallen asleep when he woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing.  Usually, he was pretty good at ignoring his phone but he needed to know what time it was so it made sense to check it.  However, he quickly regretted that decision.  As soon as he saw the headline he felt fresh tears cloud his eyes and his heart rate pick up.

“No… no, no no…” He mumbled to himself over and over, “This, this isn’t, no…”
He saw he had a missed call from management and knew he had to get to the bottom of the headline.  

With a shaky hand he hit the call back button.

----------

ONE DIRECTION SET TO END FIVE YEAR HIATUS TWO YEARS EARLY

----------

Not three months later Harry was in black skinny jeans and an oversized, navy, Tommy Hilfiger jumper, with a suitcase in hand waiting to be picked up from his house.

He was only standing there for about five minutes when a black car pulled up and a man in a suit stepped out.  Wordlessly the man took his suitcase and piled it into the boot of the car before opening the door to allow Harry to get in.  The back of the car was quiet and empty but he knew as peaceful as it was in the car, things wouldn’t stay that way for long.

Harry didn’t even realise he’d fallen asleep in the car until he felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake.  Bringing from the darkness in his mind.  He allowed his eyes to flutter open to see a familiar face before him.

“Alright, Hazza?!” Louis smiled, overly enthusiastic, “Long time no see! How’ve you been, mate?”
All Harry could do was nod in response.  He was already overwhelmed and he’d only been there forty seconds.

“Come on, we can catch up properly on the bus,” Louis smiled, ducking out of the car with Harry following slowly behind.

As he stepped onto the bus so many memories came flooding back.  They had so many good times on that bus.  Times when they drank a little too much, times when they stayed in their pyjamas all day and watched films on long trips from country to country, times when they got overly excited and couldn't get away from constant fits of laughter.

He subconsciously found himself wrapping his arms tight around his body.  Trying to make himself as small as possible so he took up the least amount of room possible.

“Harry!” Smiled Liam and Niall who were both sat at the table on the bus, waiting for him to arrive.

Liam stood up, “How’ve you been?  I know you’ve been ill a lot recently but you’re better now right?”
Harry nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I’m alright now,” He spoke quietly, but he sounded unsure.  It was if he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

“That’s good.” Smiled Niall, “I’m glad you’re better.”
Harry nodded again.

“Right,” Harry tried to smile, “I’m going to unpack a little.  Which bunk is mine?”
“Same one as it used to be,” Replied Liam smiling.

Harry muttered his thanks before taking his suitcase to the area of the bus where the bunks were.  He made sure to close the door behind him.  As soon as he was alone he let out a deep shaky breath and harshly rubbed his eyes with his hands that were hidden in the sleeves of his sweater.

He took a minute just to breathe and focus his thoughts.  He could hear the boys chatter out in the kitchen and he just wished he could disappear.  He wished he could be anywhere but there.  He wished he could just be alone.  He took a final deep, shaky breath before lifting his suitcase and placing it into his storage cubby.  He quickly shut the cubby door and climbed into his bunk.  He didn’t even bother to unpack, he just didn’t care about his clothes getting wrinkled.  He just wanted to lie down and shut out the world for a while.

He was exhausted, both physically and mentally.  The stress of the past few months was finally catching up to him.  The boys had tried to get them to meet up so they could all get to know one another again but Harry had always found an excuse not to go.  He just couldn’t bring himself to face any of the boys.  If he was completely honest he couldn’t bring himself to face anyone.  Especially when he could hardly walk ten feet without feeling weak.

He didn’t know how it had all gone so wrong so fast.  It all started with him swearing that he wasn’t going to let himself go just because they had a break.  He started exercising to make up for the fact he was no longer jumping around on stage night after night.  He also started eating a bit healthier but it was only small changes.  Nothing too extreme.  

That was until he saw pictures of Liam, Louis and Niall since the break.  They only seemed to be looking better, slimmer, more toned.  He found himself so put down by the changes that he found himself working harder to catch up with the development of the other lads.  But it was still fine, he was still fine.

Cut to now.  He used to weigh 154 pounds but now he weighed a little more than 112.  He was weak and feeble and yet when he looked at himself all he was was fat dripping off every appendage.  He’d gone from eating three meals and snacking to eating only three meals to eating two meals to eating one meal to eating hardly half a meal a day.  But, he was still fine.  Really, he was.

“Hey Hazza!” Harry was startled out of his thoughts as Louis appeared by his bunk,  “Sorry we didn’t get to catch up earlier.  How’ve you been?”
Harry rolled over to face Louis.

“I’ve been good.” He lied, “You?”
“Alright,” Louis smiled, “But I’ve missed this, you and the lads.”
Harry just hummed in response.

“Hey, you okay?” Louis questioned, cocking his head to the side in concern.

“Yeah… Mh, just tired.” He muttered in response, his eyes briefly fluttering closed.

“Awh okay, you said yourself that you’ve been sick recently.  Maybe it still hasn’t completely passed,” Louis spoke gently, “Why don’t you get some sleep?  We’ll be pulling off soon but I’ll wake you when we stop for lunch.”
“Mh-kay…” Harry mumbled in response, already half asleep.

“Sleep well, Hazza,” Smiled Louis as he turned off the light in that section of the bus and went back into the kitchen area, where Niall and Liam were, closing the door behind him.

Harry woke a few hours later to find the bus was no longer moving.  As he looked at the ceiling above him something was off about what he saw but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was.  Slowly he moved his legs over the side of the bunk and he put his feet to the floor.  As he stood he saw black spots dance around his vision and although he knew the bus was stationery, it felt like the world was still moving around him.  

Carefully Harry made his way down the middle of the bus to the kitchen, heavily leaning on the wall for support as he went.  He walked through the door into the bright kitchen, still leaning on the wall.  In the brightness of the kitchen the black spots increased tenfold.

“Woah, Harry…” Called Louis, concerned for how the younger man was acting, “You okay?”
Louis made his way to stand in front of the other lad.  He took a good look at the boy to see his eyes were unfocused and he was heavily leaning on the wall of the bus.  He lifted his arms and placed them on Harry’s shoulders to steady him.

“Harry?” He called, trying to get the boys attention.

“Mh...Mh dizzy…” Harry muttered, barely coherent.

“Okay, Okay…” Replied Louis, “Come on, take a seat.”
Louis guided Harry so he was sitting down on one of the sofas.  He sat down next to the boy and quickly pushed Harry’s head in between his legs but the boy tried to fight back.

“No, no love…” Louis argued, “Head between your legs, it will help, I promise.”
Louis placed a hand on Harry’s upper back and began to rub soothing circles to try and calm the boy.  He couldn’t help but take note of how prominent his spine felt through his thick jumper.

After a few minutes Harry began to sit up again.

“Easy does it,” Louis soothed, moving his hand to help Harry sit up, “I’ll get you some water.”
Louis got up and opened the fridge before pulling out a bottle of water.  He carefully opened it before handing it to Harry.

“Here you go, small sips.” He commanded, gently.  “How are you feeling now?”
Harry took a few sips before taking a deep breath.

“I’m okay.” He replied, clearly a little shaken up from the experience.

Louis sat down next to Harry again.

“Do you have any idea what happened, love?” Louis asked, concerned, “Is everything okay?”
Harry nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I’m okay…” He took another deep breath, “I guess… I mean... I’ve been ill recently and I guess I’m still getting it out of my system… I must not quite be one hundred percent yet… yeah… that must be it but I’m fine… I’m okay.” Harry lied.

He surprised himself at the ease of which the lie came to him.

“Awh babe,” Louis cooed, sympathetically, “I’ll get the thermometer to check if you have a fever.”
Harry’s eyes widened.

“No!” He almost shouted, “I mean, no.  I’m okay really, I just… I’m fine.  I just need to rest.  I’ll be fine soon.”

Louis didn’t look convinced but he could see from the look in Harry’s eyes that, although he’d slept most of the morning, the man was exhausted.  He didn’t have the heart to press Harry on the matter.

“Why don’t you get comfortable on the sofa at the back of the bus and I’ll make us a cuppa and we can watch some TV?” Louis suggested, trying to think of a way he could observe the boy without being too obvious.

“I...okay, but I… I don’t want tea.” Harry mumbled,

Louis was about to stand up but stopped himself out of shock.

“What?  Since when does Harry Styles not jump at the chance of having a good cuppa?”  He looked at the younger, incredulous.

Harry was quick to think of a reply.

“I stopped drinking tea.  I haven’t had a cuppa in… god… maybe a year?” Harry lied smoothly, “Kept me up at night.  Same with coffee.  I think it was the caffeine.”
Louis nodded slowly.

“Oh, okay then.” Louis gave Harry a small smile and Harry returned it, grateful that the boy had taken his excuse so easily.

Slowly Harry stood and began to walk to the back of the bus.  Shuffling and dragging his feet all the way down the length of the bus before allowing himself to collapse onto the sofa and curl up into a ball.

He was off in his own world of darkness and self pity when he felt the sofa dip next to him.  He didn’t even open his eyes to look at who it was, he knew it was Louis.  He just wished he could be left alone, he just wanted time to himself.  He’d spent the past three years alone but after half a day on a bus with others he just wished to be alone again.  He hadn’t even been around the boys, he’d been sleeping, and still he craved the complete and total isolation of his apartment.

He felt Louis’ hand make its way into his curls and begin to play with them.  He slowly tried to sit up, to get away from Louis.  He couldn’t have Louis playing with his hair.  It was too normal, too similar to how it used to be. Not to mention the fact that his hair has been coming out in clumps lately.  He couldn’t have Louis seeing it.

He pushed himself away from Louis and sat up against the back of the sofa.

“You okay Haz?” Asked Louis,

“Yeah, yeah.  Just getting comfortable.” He muttered as he curled up, further away from Louis this time.

----------

“Okay, so today we have a photo shoot followed by an interview with James Corden,” Smiled Liam as the four boys piled into the car set to take them to the shoot.

Harry had woken that morning and had taken longer than usual to get out of bed.  There were black dots dancing along his vision as he stood and began getting dressed.  He downed a whole glass of water to try and get rid of the dots.  He knew that in reality there was only one way to really solve the problem but he just wasn’t going to do that.  Luckily for him, because he took so long getting ready, there was no time for breakfast.

They were only in the car for fifteen minutes when they pulled up at the venue.  It was just a basic warehouse.  From the outside it just looked like any other warehouse.  However, the inside was completely decked out with a white screen and props.  There was a makeup stand to the right and people walking around with clipboards, setting up lighting and making sure everything was in place.

“Boys!” Called Andrew, the photographer, as they entered. 

“Hey Drew!” Smiled Liam, “It’s been a while.”
Liam and Drew shook hands.

“I know.  It’s an honour to shoot your come back!” He smiled.

Drew shook Niall and then Louis’ hand.  When he came to Harry he reached out and took his hand.  However, he froze briefly as he came into contact with the other boy.  Drew was quick to unfreeze and continue moving.  As he held the boys hand he took note of how cold the boy was and how bony his hands were.  As he pulled away he took in Harry’s features.  His pale skin, his cracked lips, the dark circles under his eyes.

“Okay, so Karen, over there,” Drew pointed to a woman who smiled and waved to them, “Has your clothes ready so if you go and see her and get changed and then Lou will do your make up.” He pointed to a different woman, “Once you’re all ready I’ll talk you through the shots we need today.”

They four boys smiled before they headed over to Karen where they were each handed various hangers and sent on their way to the dressing rooms.  Harry stepped into the room with his name on the door before closing and locking the door behind him.  He let out a shaky breath and hung the hangers on a hook on the wall.

He stripped slowly down to his boxers.  Folding his black sweats and jumper and placing them on the chair in the corner.  He made slow, purposeful movements in order to try and ease the dizziness that was slowly clouding his brain.  He knew he could get through the photo shoot if he tried.  He’d just have to take it easy wherever he could without the others noticing.

As soon as he was in only his boxers he finally took notice of the clothes he was given.  There was a pair of skinny jeans, true to his old One Direction style.  However, instead of them being just plain black with an intricate, purple, floral design all over them.  As he looked at them he found himself falling in love with them.  It had been a long time since he’d actually cared about what he was wearing so it really excited him.  He knew he’d have to ask Karen if he could take them.  Or so, he intended to until he saw the size.  

He felt the panic rising in his throat.  Twenty-fifteen Harry would have seen the size and laughed knowing it would be about two sizes too small.  However, twenty-eighteen Harry knew the jeans were going to be too big.  Like, four to five sizes too big.  

There was still a voice in the back of his mind telling him that there was no way his fat thighs would fit in those jeans but the rational part of his mind knew there was no way those jeans would stay up.  They would be significantly too big.  He looked at the top, a simple black button down, and wondered if there was any way he could hide the fact that the jeans didn’t fit but there was no way.  With a shaky hand he looked at the label in the shirt, just to see, and he felt the panic increase ten fold.  The shirt was way too big for him and the label said ‘Slim Fit’.  He knew there was no way he could pull this off.

He was quickly pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door.

“Hey Harry, ya almost ready?” Called Louis, “You’ve been in there a while and the other lads are ready.”

Shit… was all Harry could think.  What could he do?

“Harry?”

Harry made a quick decision and began to pull on the jeans Karen had given him.  Just as he thought they were stupidly big on him.  Even if he was given a belt they still wouldn’t fit.  

“Harry, everything okay?”

“I...I um…”

“Harry?”

Fuck… fuck… fuck… kept running through Harry’s mind.  There was no way.  

“Harry?” Louis knocked the door again.  Concern was thick in his voice.  “Harry, let me in, you’re really starting to worry me.”

The more Harry panicked the worse the dizziness got and the more the dark spots taunted his mind.  He sucked in a deep shaky breath and placed a hand on the wall to steady him.

“Harry?”

“Lou…” He replied, surprised at how steady he was able to keep his voice, “I, can you get Karen please?”

“Yeah but is everything alright?” Concern was still clear in his voice.

“Y...yeah, just a… a uh an outfit problem.” Harry explained.

“Oh okay.  Just give me a minute.” Was all Louis said and then Harry was alone again.

Harry let out another breath, allowing himself to slide to the floor.  Thoughts running through his head about what Karen was going to say.  Would she be able to help?  Would she be angry?  Before his thoughts could go any further, there was a knock on the door.

“Hi Harry, it’s Karen.  Can you let me in please?”

Slowly Harry stood and unlocked the door before stepping away, allowing Karen to enter.

As she entered she closed the door behind her and locked it again.  At first she was confused, however, once she saw Harry standing with his back to her, she knew.  Without thinking she stepped forward and placed a hand on Harry’s back, feeling the way his spine stuck out against her hand. 

“Oh, Harry…” She sighed.

As he turned to her he had clear tears in his eyes.  

“Come here,” She held her arms out and pulled him into a hug, just allowing him to get his tears out.  “It’s okay.”

“I’m s...sorry I...I love them b..but t...they don’t fit and I...I don’t… what to do… and I...I’m sorry” He stuttered, his voice weak and shaky.  

Karen nodded as she stepped away from Harry slightly.

“Okay, it’s okay.” She knew she had to put on a professional face right now, “Here’s what we’re going to do.  Wear the jeans you wore in today and I’ll get you a different shirt, okay?” She smiled as Harry nodded in response.  “Then, I’ll get these altered for you since I can tell you like them.  Then, maybe you can wear them for the interview later?”
Harry nodded slowly.

“Okay, so you get ready and I’ll get you a shirt but before that,” She sighed gently, “Are you okay?”
Harry nodded, “Y...yeah I’m fine.” He quickly went into defensive mode, “I...I’ve been really busy and then I was ill and it just, it all went down hill but I’m okay, I’ve got things under control.”
Slowly Karen nodded.  She wasn’t sure whether she believed him but he lives on a tour bus in close quarters with three other boys so she just assumed they knew and it was okay.

She watched Harry remove the jeans and then took them along with the other shirt before unlocking the door.

“Okay. I’ll get you that shirt.”
She smiled before leaving him alone once again.

Five minutes later Harry, Niall, Liam and Louis were standing on the set getting their photos taken.  Liam was standing on a black cube and Niall was standing just in front of it looking at him.  Louis was lying on a platform and Harry was walking up some steps to the platform.

Andrew was shouting to each of the boys, getting them to move around as the shots were taken.

“Okay now Harry!” He called, “Why don’t you run up the steps, that would look cool!”

Harry did as asked.

“Yes! Yes!” He called,  “Okay now Niall, Liam, join Harry and Louis on the platform.  Okay!”

The boys complied.

“Okay now, run from the back of the platform and jump off!” He called.

Harry could feel the panic rise once again.  He was dizzy enough as it was.  Now he had to jump off a five foot platform!?

There were only a few minutes left.  The shoot was almost over.  He could do it.
“Okay…”
Harry made his way to the back with the rest of the boys…

“Three…”
He looked to the other lads.

“Two…”

He took a deep breath to try and calm the dancing black dots.

“One…”
He looked to the front and prepared himself.

“Go!”

He ran forward along with the other guys and jumped… As he flew through the air he felt the black dots briefly leave him… He felt the cool air rush past him…  He felt the adrenaline push him through.

“Okay boys!” Andrew called, “That’s a wrap!  Well done guys, get some water and get yourselves changed!”
Andrew smiled as he began to take apart his camera set up.

Slowly Harry stood up from where he was on the floor and began to walk over to his dressing room.  Now that the adrenaline was gone the black dots and dizziness were back ten fold.  He needed to get to the dressing room so he could close the door and sit with his head between his legs and calm down. 

He saw Louis watch as he shuffled away but he couldn’t bring himself to care.  He just needed the dizziness to stop.  He knew what was happening but it was still terrifying.  He got to the door and quickly pushed it open before closing the door behind him and sliding to the floor.  He put his head between his legs and took slow deep breaths as he tried to rid himself of the black spots.

“You’re okay… it’s okay…” He muttered to himself as he tried to calm down.  “You’re okay… you’re okay…”

It had taken a good half an hour for Harry to calm down and get changed into his other clothes but eventually he gained the strength to leave the room and head back to the car. 

As the car ride went on he felt worse and worse.  The black spots kept taunting his mind, begging him to to succumb to them.  However, he couldn’t.  He needed to stay awake.  He needed to get through the interview.  He needed to get through the day so he could sleep.  Harry was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even realised the car had stopped.  It was a light shove from Liam that alerted him to their arrival at the studio.

Harry had a bad feeling as he got out of the car… 

As he walked through the car park…

As he entered the studio…

As he changed into his clothes for the interview…

As he waited backstage…

“Ladies and gentlemen!  Please welcome the boys known as One Direction!” James called enthusiastically.

The four boys ran out... The stage lights hit…  The audience was deafening… 

The black dots grew to a solid darkness and the last thing Harry remembered was the cry from someone.... Someone he loved… Someone who cared…

“Harry…!” Cried Louis as he watched the youngest fall to the floor a few feet away from him.

The audience became silent… James quickly stood in shock… Liam and Niall froze in horror…