TW: Heavy angst, Character death
Seulgi sighted as her choreographer motioned for her to stop for the third time in the last five minutes. “It’s getting late. Let’s try again tomorrow”, he said, shooting her a pitying look before grabbing his things and making his way out the studio. Normally, he would be making her redo the part she had messed up until she got it right but not today. And Seulgi couldn’t help but resent him for it. She walked over to where her bag laid on the floor and took out her water bottle, chugging half of it down.
She then took out her phone to check the hour, ignoring all the missed calls and worried messages she usually got around this time of year. She was surprised to see it was already nearing 1:00 am. She had been practicing since 7:00 that morning but couldn’t seem to pick up the moves or concentrate. Not when she was all she could think about. It wasn’t unusual. There hadn’t been a day where her mind wasn’t filled with images of her since the day she left her but she could usually push it to the back of her mind and force herself to concentrate. Leaving it for when she finally got to her apartment, before finally breaking down.
But today was not like any other day. Because the hour indicated by her phone meant that it was officially the two-year anniversary of the accident. It had been almost two years now since the accident that changed all their lives. Two years of pain and grief. Two years since the last time she was truly happy. Two years since the love of her life had been taken from her too soon at the hands of a reckless driver. Two years without her Joohyun.
Seulgi could still remember that day as if it had been yesterday. How her whole life came crashing down with one simple phone call. And she probably always would.
Seulgi was gulping down a bottle of water as the girls took a small break from practicing for their upcoming comeback. She leaned against the wall watching their two youngest members antics, Sooyoung holding Yerim’s water bottle over her head as the shorter girl tried to take it out of her hands. Sooyoung was laughing at the frustrated look on their maknae’s face. Seungwan was on the other side of the room talking with their choreographer about a move she was trying to perfect.
This choreography was one of their hardest yet and they had been practicing nonstop for weeks now. It was a lot of hard work but Seulgi found herself enjoying it all. As much as she sometimes longed for a long vacation, she was doing what she loved the most with the girls she considered her family. She felt a warm feeling envelop her as she continued to watch her two youngest members antics, feeling grateful for having such amazing girls at her side.
The only one that was missing was Joohyun, the one that Seulgi held the dearest to her heart, though she would be quick to deny it if anyone asked. Seulgi had been coughing ever since they got to the dance studio that morning and Joohyun, ever the caring girlfriend, had insisted on stepping out of practice to run out to the pharmacy that was one block away for some medicine for her.
That had actually been almost fifteen minutes ago and Seulgi was starting to get worried. Minho, their dance instructor, signaled for them to take their places once more. Seulgi trudged over to her place, the worried forgotten by her concentration. It was barely five minutes later that Seulgi heard the faint sound of an ambulance but she ignored it, focused on the dance.
About ten minutes later, her phone rang, interrupting the practice. Minho threw a stern look at her. She knew better than to look at her phone during practice but a feeling of dread was building in her stomach. She could feel it was important. She ignored Minho’s warning look and quickly walked over to her ringing phone. The voice that answered her on the other side was one that she would never forget. “Hello? Is this Seulgi?” a stranger’s voice asked her. “It is. Why?”, she asked. “Ms. Bae has you as her emergency contact. I’m afraid I have some bad news”,
And just like that, Seulgi’s whole life shattered. The nervous voice stumbled through an explanation about how Joohyun had been hit by a car while making her way back to the company building. The woman’s voice was faint, the sound of the ambulance that she had heard ten minutes earlier ringing through her mind. The realization hit her like a cold wave, the phone slipping from her grasp as she let out an anguished scream, barely noticing her members running towards her before darkness overcame her vision.
Nothing had been the same after that. Their little family couldn’t survive without their leader and it was soon torn apart. They all dealt with the loss in their own ways. Sooyoung started taking on more acting roles, drowning herself in her work to the point where they barely saw the other girl more than once a week when she went back to the dorm for some new clothes.
Yerim started going out constantly, spending the whole night out and coming home late in the morning stinking of alcohol, stumbling her way to her bed to sleep the whole day before going out at night to do it once more.
Seungwan, always the nurturing one, threw herself into trying to take care of the remaining members, helping Yerim into her room when she was too drunk to see straight and holding her hair back while she threw her guts out. Visiting Sooyoung at set with a packed lunch so the younger girl wouldn’t forget to eat, to busy overworking herself in order to forget the pain. She held Seulgi in her arms during the long nights where Seulgi wanted nothing more than to take a bottle of pills and be reunited with her love once more.
She did everything in her power to keep the girls from breaking. Which is why it surprised them all when she was the one who broke instead. Seulgi awoke one day to crying coming from the living room. She managed to drag herself out of bed for the first time in days and make her way outside. Sooyoung was the one crying, holding a note in her hand. She noticed Yerim sitting in the kitchen table, looking at the note with hatred in her eyes, a bottle of vodka in her hands. “What’s going on?” she asked, her voice hoarse from not being used in so long. Both girls looked shocked at the sight of her, only having seen her a handful of times since the funeral.
“Here”, Sooyoung said, shoving the note into her hands. Seulgi quickly scanned it, realizing it was a goodbye note. Seungwan apologizing and saying that she just couldn’t take it anymore. She was sorry and she loved them but she just couldn’t be there anymore. Not when the memory of Joohyun was everywhere. It explained that she had gone back to Canada and wasn’t planning on coming back.
Seulgi felt her heart ache momentarily before the numbness returned once more. “And then there were three”, she said, letting the letter fall to the floor before making her way back to her room, slamming the door and hiding beneath her blankets once more, wishing she could wake up from this nightmare.
She didn’t notice the other girls flinch at the coldness of her words, so unlike the Seulgi they once knew. Unknown to her, both girls weren’t just feeling the loss of two of their friends. They were mourning the loss of three. Because while she was still physically there, The Seulgi they knew was nowhere to be found.
It was two weeks later, just over four months after Joohyun’s death that they were called into their CEO’s office where they then proceeded to each renounce their contract, Seungwan doing it over a video call beforehand. By the end of the next day, Seulgi was the only one left in the dorm. Red Velvet was officially over. It would be almost a year after Joohyun’s death before they saw each other again.
After she finally left the dorm, Seulgi rented an apartment nearby, unable to leave behind the place where she had felt the happiest she’d ever been. She took all the stuff that Joohyun’s parents left behind. Especially, the hoodie she used to sleep in. Seulgi threw it on, holding it close as she could still smell the lingering scent of vanilla and lavender, and something that had been uniquely Joohyun. She wore it to sleep every day, even long after the smell had faded, replaced by her own.
She spent the next few months in her new apartment, only leaving once the need for food became too much. She imagined what it would have been like, living there with Joohyun. Both girls had talked about it. About getting their own place one day, a place where they could finally be themselves freely. And much as she loved the other girls, she had dreamt about that day eagerly. Except now, it would never happen.
It was two days before the first-year anniversary of her death that she heard from the other girls for the first time since they’d left the dorm. Even though they had lost contact, she had still kept up with them. Sooyoung was now a well-known actress, staring in various dramas, all of which Seulgi had watched. Yerim had started writing music and Wendy had gone to college, all of them finding it too painful to sing or perform again. It didn’t feel right. Not when Joohyun would never perform again.
She was surprised to receive a message from Sooyoung, urging her to meet up with them two days later. It had been her idea to do something special in remembrance of Joohyun and the other girls had already agreed, Seungwan even flying in from Canada for the first time since she’d upped and left. Seulgi wanted to refuse but had been convinced after a whole day of pleading. She had forgotten how persistence the younger girl could be.
They met up outside a restaurant they used to go to all the time. The sight of them almost took her breath away and as they all rushed to hug her, she felt something she hadn’t felt in so long. For the first time in a year, she felt at peace as she hugged them back. It had been more than six months since they’d talked but they fell back into their natural chatter quite quickly as they made their way to the park. Once there, they sat down at a secluded spot near the water. It was the same place they used to go to all the time during their trainee days whenever one of them needed to talk or simply get away from their hectic life. Joohyun had been the one to find the place.
They stared at the water, a silence enveloping them as they Were all reminded of better times. Of before five had become four. They stayed there for hours, only leaving once the sun had set. They hugged each other one more time before leaving, all of them promising to keep in touch this time. Seulgi walked to her apartment, feeling lighter than she had in a long time. While they hadn’t really talked in the park, just being there with them had somehow helped her. She knew they had all reacted horribly to Joohyun’s deat, had been to consumed by their own grief to pay any attention to each other. They had said horrible things to each other and abandoned each other but at the end of the day, they were a family. And they would always be one. Even if things with them would never be the same.
After that, they made sure to check up on each other at least once a week. They were there for Seulgi after she tearfully confessed the true depth of her relationship with Joohyun, since they had never told the girls about their relationship. They were also there when she admitted that she wanted to continue singing, how even though she felt guilty she also felt as if she owed it to the other girl. To follow her dreams even when the older girl would never do so again. They’re the ones who convinced her to sign with a new company and start her solo career.
But even though the pain got better. Even though she finally managed to leave her apartment. To have a career and to have friends, the pain was still there. And it would always be there. It was a permanent part of her now.
It came out of nowhere, at the most random moments. She could be cooking, or practicing a choreography. She could be talking with friends or reading a book when all of a sudden, the image of her would pop into her mind, reminding her of all she had lost. The worst parts were the nights, sleeping on a bed that seemed too big for just one, thinking on all the memories they had shared. She’d remember the time they first met. Remembered how quickly her life had changed for the better.
Seulgi felt her frustration build up as she missed the step once again. She walked over to the speaker to start the song from the beginning once more, before making her way back to the middle of the empty practice room. It was nearing 4:00 am and the building was eerily quiet, all the other trainees already long asleep. She let out a huff as she missed the step by a beat for what seemed to be the hundredth time. She could feel tears stinging her eyes, threatening to fall.
She could feel her exhaustion wearing down on her but she couldn’t leave. Not until she got the stupid move right. Their next evaluation was coming up in a few days and Seulgi was practicing even harder than usual. She still remembered the mentor’s harsh criticism of her dancing at the last evaluation and she didn’t want to feel the same humiliation again. She had been training for almost three years now and she could feel the determination that had brought her so far starting to fade.
She had seen many trainees who had arrived before her debut and others who had been there longer than her give up on their dreams and leave, and still she was here, practicing more hours a day than she slept and she had started to wonder what was the point. She questioned if maybe she simply wasn’t good enough, the mentor’s harsh comments still floating through her head.
She started the song from the top once more, but didn’t even make it 10 seconds before making a mistake this time. She had to keep herself from screaming in frustration. Seulgi stared at her reflection on the mirror on the wall. She could see the huge bags under her eyes that even makeup could no longer hide, her eyes red from lack of sleep. She couldn’t recognize herself, so different from the young, passionate girl who had arrived at the company years ago ready to pursue her dreams.
Her fists clenched tightly as she thought about all that she had sacrificed for the chance to debut. She had given up her childhood, had given up having friends, realizing soon after joining the company that there was simply no time for them. Not if she wanted the chance to debut. She sat on the floor, clutching her knees close to her as the tears finally fell. She was so busy trying to keep her sobs muffled that she failed to hear the door opening, silent footsteps making their way towards her.
She was surprised by the hand that grabbed her shoulder. She looked up from where she was hiding her face to see a girl kneeling before her, concern etched on her face. Seulgi couldn’t place her face but she realized that she had to be the new trainee that had just started that day. She hadn’t seen her yet but had heard the rumors of the girl’s beauty. Rumors which Seulgi now realized were true. She struggled to remember her name. She knew it started with a J. It was probably Jungeun. Or maybe Jeongyeon.
“Hey, I’m sorry for disturbing you but I heard music coming from the room”, the girl said. Seulgi had a sudden urge to hear the girl sing, because if her voice was this melodic while simply talking then she couldn’t imagine what her singing voice must sound like. She straightened up and cleared her throat, trying to hide the fact that she had been crying even though it was quite obvious. “It’s okay. I though everyone was asleep”, she answered.
The girl smiled guiltily. “Technically, I should be but I get restless in new places. Decided to explore a little bit instead”, she admitted. Seulgi quite liked the mischievous look in the girl’s eyes. She didn’t know her but it somehow felt intimate. Like she didn’t let people see that side of her normally. She also liked the fact that the girl hadn’t questioned her reason for crying, even though it was quite obvious that she knew. “I’m Seulgi”, she said, extending her hand to the other girl. “I’m Joohyun. It’s nice to meet you Seulgi”, she responded.
“I have to admit, I actually saw you dancing yesterday. You’re extremely talented”, she told her. Seulgi blushed at the unexpected compliment. She was unsure about what to answer but the other girl beat her to it. “I was actually wondering if you could help me. Maybe teach me some moves? Dancing isn’t really my forte.” As she was talking, the girl stood up and reached a hand down to Seulgi to help her up. Seulgi hesitated at that. “Please?” she pleaded. And as much as Seulgi wanted to keep practicing the same move she had been doing for hours now, she found herself reaching for Joohyun’s hand and letting her help her stand up. They spent the rest of the early morning going over some basic choreographies and with each move Joohyun got right and each beaming smile she sent her way, Seulgi could feel her passion for dance coming back.
After that, both girls stuck together. And Seulgi finally realized what she had been missing all along in trying to go at it alone. She finally had someone cheering her on, helping her through her lows and making every moment of their training worth it. They were soon joined by a younger trainee who went by the name of Yerim, both girls basically adopting her once they saw the scared look on the younger girls face on her first day. And it wasn’t long before a new trainee from Canada and another girl who was surprisingly tall for her age joined them too, completing their little family.
Years later, Seulgi would find herself reflecting on the irony that it was Joohyun that started their family, and it was her that broke it. But that would be much later. For now, they were five young girls with their whole lives ahead of them, unaware of the tragedy that would one day befall them.
Joohyun had come into her life out of nowhere, made herself at home in her heart before leaving once more, as quick as she had come into it, she was gone. Except this time, she took with her a part of Seulgi too. And now she had to live the rest of her life without her other half.
She could still see the older girls’ smile in her memories. The smile that had shone brighter than any stars. But the worst part wasn’t what she could remember. It was what she couldn’t. She remembered thinking about how Joohyun’s laughter was one of the things she loved most about the older girl. Not the short, polite laughter she gave during most interviews. No, she was talking about her real laughter. The loud, boisterous one that mostly came during one of their late-night talks. She remembered being amazed at the sound that came from the small, normally stoic woman. She remembered feeling so proud of herself at being the one to make her laugh like that.
And now, she found herself looking through their old vlives late at night, playing the part with her laughter over and over again, trying to remember how it sounded in real life. She knew it wasn’t healthy, holding on to someone that was already gone, refusing to move on, but she feared that letting go would quite literally kill her. Those videos of her, the memories, as much as they hurt, they were also the only things keeping her sane.
She had been lucky enough to meet her soulmate when she was just a young teenager with the whole world at her hands. And unlucky enough to lose her when she was just a young woman, left to wonder about what could’ve been for the rest of her life.
Joohyun had been her other half. Her soulmate. And when she’d left, she’d taken a part of Seulgi too. And now, she would spend the rest of her life waiting eagerly for the moment she was reunited with her once again. Dreaming of the day she would feel her embrace once more. Remembering when she was still here.