Chapter 6
"Are you sure that you can do all these dates, Jun?" Brian looked up at him over the top of the list he'd been given by Jun's Korean manager. "That's a hell of a lot of performing, and your set is very intense for each show. September to December as your first big tour for these two albums? Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," Jun said with confidence, "because then I can join Yuzuru's concert at Lotte World in December without interrupting his tour too much, and ours dates should be slightly offset."
"Ten dates in the United States alone?" Brian raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not going to take offense at the fact there are none in Canada—"
"I tried to get one for Toronto but they said no."
"Then four dates in South America? Eleven in Europe, and seventeen in Asia? Why on earth are you doing six dates in Seoul back to back?"
"For the people of Seoul," Jun shrugged, "and because they told me too. And because it means performing in the Olympic Stadium and I can't turn it down! You know how big that is and how much that means to me."
"I just don't want you to work yourself into the ground," Brian set down the list of tour dates. "Jun, I'm serious. Your health is important and your managers haven't even split these into different legs of the tour?"
"It is split into legs! The American leg is from September to October, the European leg is from October to November, and then the Asian leg is from November to December with talk about going to Oceania soon as well."
"There's a week rest between each leg." Brian pointed out.
"They said that it was better to have it all as close to each other as possible. It'll keep interest up and will mean that people don't get bored or forget about my tour if it's constantly going on, you know?" Jun's naivety and trusting nature shone through. "My managers said that it was better if we do it this way, you know? And they even wrote the dates specifically so that I could perform with Yuzuru in Seoul on his birthday at Lotte World. Lotte World Brian!"
"Jun. People who love your music would be willing to wait. Not everything has to come out immediately and go at such a fast pace."
The singer nodded but his heart wasn't in it. Brian sighed and handed him the list of tour dates.
"I seriously think you should cut down on the number of days, or put in more rest days between them, but it's not the worst tour I've ever seen."
Jun gave him a little smile, standing up and giving Brian a quick bow before the other could change his mind or go back on his word.
"Thank you Brian! Do you mind if I use one of the dance studios from now until the tour starts?"
"If I say no, your other manager will get angry with me," Brian rolled his eyes and gave Jun a pat on the shoulder. "Of course you can. And Jun?"
The youngster paused in the doorway, meeting Brian's eyes through his thick-rimmed glasses.
"If there's something going on, you know you can always talk to me, okay? My door is always open for you if you need it."
Jun gave him a small smile that didn't come close to his eyes and nodded.
"Thanks Brian. See you tomorrow."
Two weeks lay between the release of Jun's album and the release of Yuzuru's album. For eleven of the days, Jun's management released his music videos one by one, following the order of the tracks on the album so that he could end with Love in The Ice. Once all of Jun's music videos had been released, a short video was released on Keiji's instagram story. It started as a closeup of closed eyes, framed with eyeliner and with a dark fringe falling over them, before they opened up and "3 days" came up, lingering briefly before vanishing like smoke into the darkness. Nothing else needed to be said; both the KPop side of twitter and the JRock side of twitter were blowing up with Jun's tour dates that had been released and the promise of something to come from Yuzuru. For the fans, nothing could be better.
Behind the scenes was another story. Keiji felt like a helpless omniscient being; all he could do was watch Yuzuru's heart break over and over again while the artist tore himself apart mentally. Meals became leftovers, and leftovers never got eaten.
"Yuzu—"
"I'm going to bed," Yuzuru's voice was quiet, lacking the kind of aggression and conviction that came out during his more intense music.
"It's seven."
"Tired."
"Yuzu," Keiji took hold of his wrist as gently as he could but holding it tightly enough to stop Yuzuru from running off, "Please. You're worrying me. If there's something I can do to help you--"
"There's nothing anyone can do."
"Then help me to help you."
Yuzuru gave him a weak smile, full of sadness and void of happiness, and gave Keiji a tight hug. Saying nothing, Keiji stroked Yuzuru's hair and just held the other close to him. In their silence, Yuzuru soon fell asleep in Keiji's arms, and his friend scooped him up into his arms.
"Oh Yuzu-pon," Keiji tucked him into bed and tucked the Kaneki pooh bear next to him, "what's going on in your head and your heart?"
Keiji left and shut the door to Yuzuru's room before he dared to check his phone. Since posting the Instagram story, media accounts and very bold fans had sent him a plethora of messages, spamming him for hours on end. Most demanded a statement, with some fans confessing their undying love for both him and Yuzuru. He ignored the notifications on his phone and instead settled on the sofa, holding a cushion to his stomach, as his phone rang out.
"Hello?" A sleepy Japanese voice came through the other end, and Keiji couldn't help but smile.
"Morning Ryuju. How are you still sleepy at eight in the morning? Aren't you meant to be working?"
"Mm, not yet. My first job today doesn't start until mid-afternoon. Unlike when I'm working with you two, most of the time I get to wake up late."
"Lucky," Keiji said with half a laugh before he went quiet, leaving a silence between them that stretched further than the distance between Toronto and Tokyo.
"Keiji? Is everything alright?"
"I miss you," Keiji said softly, "so much."
"I miss you too," Ryuju's tone held a smile in it; the same smile that always made Keiji smile too, no matter how bad a mood he was in, "but I'll be seeing you guys soon, right? You know which photographer and reporter got selected to head to Toronto and interview Yuzuru, don't you?"
"Couldn't have been you, could it?" Keiji half laughed down the phone. "Do you want to stay with us?"
"Do you guys mind?"
"Not at all. Yuzuru has barely been out of his room; I doubt he'd really notice you to be honest. Not to be rude. You know what I mean, right?"
"One of those times again?" Ryuju's words were soft sympathetic, as gentle as was expected for the unofficial 'mother' of their trio. "Poor thing."
"It's much worse. If he would talk to me, I'd tell him to go to a professional about it. But he's so focused on this tour coming up and he'd throwing all he has into it. Including his mental health and strength as well as his physical strength and health."
"Poor Yuzu," Ryuju repeated and sighed. "I'll bring him something nice from Japan to try and make him feel better."
"Thanks Ryuju. And I'll make you something tasty when you come over. Maybe ramen bowls?"
"You're the best. Thanks for calling Keiji. See you soon, yeah?"
"Yeah. See you."
He could hear the smile in Keiji's voice and it gave him a little bubble of happiness. "See you."
When Ryuju hung up, Keiji listened to the empty tone for a moment, enjoying the chance to collect his thoughts before they turned to how to help Yuzuru out to give him the support he deserved.
Tracy Wilson was a mother, but none of her children were the artists at the club. Still, she couldn't help but feel an overwhelming surge of maternal care and love when she stepped into the dance studio. After helping Jason in one of the recording studios practice, she'd come to the dance studio to give Jun a hand. In the corner, she found him curled up with a jacket acting as his blanket. With a very sad smile down to him, she sat beside him and shook his shoulder very gently to stir him.
"Jun?"
"Tracy?" he mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes before he gasped and sat up. "Tracy? How long was I asleep for? Oh God, oh God—"
"Shh," she helped Jun into a sitting position and gave him a hug, "it's alright. If you fell asleep, you must really have needed to the sleep. Your body needs to rest, Jun, and I don't think you've been getting that recently."
Jun grimaced but leaned his head on her shoulder. She offered him his bottle of water and fixed him with a firm look when he started playing with the top instead of unscrewing it.
"Jun, what have they told you?"
The singer looked down at the floor so that he didn't have to meet her eyes, and took tentative sips of his water to delay the answer. Tracy didn't say anything to push him to answer; she provided him a comforting shoulder to lean on and against as long as he needed. When she felt him nodding off against her, she couldn't help but smile a little. He shook himself back awake, screwing the lid tightly onto the bottle, before he managed to form an answer for her.
"They told me my tour dates, and my dances," Jun said with a tired and timid voice. "They told me my plans from now until September when I go on tour, and then from September through to December when the tour ends."
"Jun," her voice was soft and gentle still as she tried to keep soothing him with her kind words, "you know what I mean. What have they told you about this?" She gestured to his water bottle, earning a cringe from the youngster.
"Nothing I didn't already know," Jun's words hurt her internally and she blinked at him for a good few seconds.
"Jun, I know you know what I'm going to say, but I have to say it anyway. This isn't healthy." He opened his mouth to respond but she held up a hand to cut him off. "It's not, Jun. You were already below a healthy weight to start with, and they're encouraging you to lose more, aren't they?"
"I wasn't below a healthy weight to start with," Jun protested. "They were right that I should lose something. I mean—"
"Jun." Tracy took his free hand and squeezed it gently, "I'm worried about you. I want to help you. I want you to be able to look in the mirror and see the beautiful, strong, amazing young man that we all see, not the toxic imperfect image these people have put onto you to make you feel this way about yourself. And if there was a way for me to click my fingers or wave my magic wand to help you, then I would, with no hesitation. So Jun," she pushed a granola bar into his hand and patted it closed, holding a silent pleading in her eyes, "have this, take a break and go and sit with Conrad and Jason in the cafeteria, and then you can come back in after a lunch break and work on your dances to the best of your ability, okay?"
"Okay," Jun managed a very little smile to her that, to Tracy, was worth a million smiles. "I'll, um, go sit with Conrad and Jason?"
Tracy left to return to her office and Jun finished off his bottle of water before he looked at the bar in his hands. It taunted him and his mind swirled with numbers for calories and micro-nutrients. With guilt gnawing at his stomach, the bar ended up in the bottom of his bag alongside the ones Conrad had slipped there over the weeks before he headed into the cafeteria. He could feel the weight of the stares on him as he ignored the food on sale in favour of filling up his water bottle, and he secured his mask of a smile in place before he slipped into the seat next to Conrad. Most of the conversation flew over his head while he was stuck in his own mind, and it took Conrad shaking his shoulder to get him out of his daydream.
"You okay?" Conrad asked softly as Jun searched the room like a frightened deer. "It's okay. It's only us here. I won't tell anyone if you say anything. Not that you have to say anything if you don't want to. I just want to check you're alright, you know?"
The building pressure of everything in Jun's life hit its peak and the dam broke. It started with one tear running down his cheek, then two, three, and soon he couldn't stop. Conrad pulled him into his arms, stroking Jun's hair as he hid his face in his shoulder.
"What's going on?" Conrad's voice was like a gentle grounding rock in Jun's storm of emotions. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"Hold me," Jun whispered. "Please, just hold me and don't let go. For a little while."
Conrad nodded, rocking him lightly in his arms as he hummed very softly. His soothing tones helped Jun to relax and, even as everything else in his life felt wrong, being held by Conrad, being protected in Conrad's arms, felt right.