American Heartbreak
“Mmmm. Chris?” she mumbled through her sleepy haze, smiling with her eyes still closed as she felt a large, gentle hand run over her bare shoulder, flicking the strap of her shirt on its way. “What are you doing home?”
“I thought I’d surprise you,” Chris answered as he gazed down upon his wife’s form cuddled up in their bed, clutching a pillow.
He had come to sit next to her moments before and watched her sleep peacefully before deciding to lightly rub her back until she awoke. It still fascinated him how just utterly beautiful his wife was as he felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment, gazing at her golden skin and darkly rich hair that fell upon the pillow, illuminated by the warm glow of the sun seeping through the window. He would never understand how he ever got so lucky; but he would also never look a gift horse in the mouth.
“How long are you home?” Ali asked with a large smile before she turned onto her back, angled slight towards him as she gripped his larger hand in hers, joining their fingers and running smooth circles on the back of his hand.
“At least for three months this time,” he answered upon leaning over and brushing his lips softly to her forehead. “My team took a three month leave after we concluded our last assignment.”
“Three months!” She exclaimed softly before sarcastically adding, “I won’t even know what to do with you for three months!”
“Well…” He paused as his heart rate increased slightly from nerves. “I was thinking about your last letter…”
Ali furrowed her brow in confusion, trying hard to remember what exactly she’d written and which letter was actually the last one. She’d written so many to him, each one being returned if only a few weeks delayed. However, as she felt a tiny sliver of realization settle in her thoughts, she faintly smiled and moved over to pull Chris into bed next to her, clothes and shoes and all.
“And what part of that letter were you thinking of, My Dear?” She said softly with an air of hope lacing her words.
“Let’s have a baby,” Chris replied barely above a whisper before Ali felt the tears forming in her as she leaned in to kiss him lovingly, giving her answer through actions rather than words.
“I thought you’d never ask,” Ali said as she pulled away, running her hand over the high and tight fade haircut she’d grown accustomed to him sporting.
“Technically, you asked,” he joked back with a smirk before adding,” You’re pretty blunt when you want something.”
Ali laughed heartily and shrugged her shoulders, stating, ”What can I say, Mr. Harris, you promised me marriage and babies. I’m just trying to cash in.”
Laughing softly with a gleam in his eye, Chris joked back, “And how can I break that promise, especially to a woman as beautiful as you?”
“Oh,” Ali replied, her voice rising in jest. “We got a charmer here, ladies and gents!”
“And don’t you forget it,” he said pointedly, wagging his finger at her.
“How could i?” She joked back with a bright smile.
“So, Mrs. Harris,” He began after a chuckle at Ali’s joke, holding his hands out palms up and gesturing to the bed. “What do you say we get started?”
“Absolutely!” She replied before pulling the large frame of her husband down over her, loving the way his cologne smelled as it wafted into her nostrils, his presence filling every sense as she began to kiss him sensually, ready to fill their home and life with a greater purpose.
Her eyes fluttered open as she fought through the haze in her vision to focus on her surroundings. The first thing she noticed was the pressure in her head seemingly weighing down her entire body like lead and anchoring her to her mattress. The second thing she recognized was her bed--she was in her bedroom and under the covers. Her shoes had been removed and she had been tucked in, her head comfortably resting on a pillow and her hair pulled loose from the confines of her messy bun. She blinked her eyes a few times to force them into focus, her headache deepening as she did so. She tightly shut them and brought her hand up to rub at her brows and apply some delicate pressure to her temples, needing to work out some of the tension if she could. She had felt as though her head had been placed in a metal vice; and each moment saw that vice being adjusted tighter and tighter as the pain amplified. She also realized in that moment that her throat and chest were burning, a sensation she knew resulted from either coughing or a fair bit of crying. She knew she hadn’t been sick at all so she clearly had cried herself to sleep. Upon opening her eyes once more, her vision finally focused and her face distorted in sheer agony as her most recent memories flashed through her all at once, reminding her of what had happened and why she was in bed in the early afternoon and not at work.
Her husband had been killed.
Tears filled Ali’s dark eyes and she narrowed them in slits, furrowing her brows and holding her breath as the pain flowed through her like a tsunami wave, filling her completely. Her right hand moved to clutch tightly to the cold pillow next to her as a harrowing sob emanated from deep within her core, echoing through the room and shattering the delicate silence. She tried frantically to inhale after a moment, needing more oxygen than the sob was giving her; but only found herself stuck in the endless exhale that followed the deafening wail. Her hot tears broke through the surface, burning her raw eyelids and cutting their way down her cheeks as she turned her head and buried her face into her pillow, suffocating the tears that soaked the fabric as she closed her eyes as tightly as she could.
After a solid minute, she was finally able to intake a shallow breath before her body convulsed and another sob wracked her, a sob which seemed to be leading the charge as more and more equally violent ones followed. Her heart felt as though it were being assaulted rhythmically as she succumbed to the weight of her devastation, clutching her pillow to her face with both hands white-knuckling, her breaths coming shallowly through the pillow. It was only moments later that her lack of clear oxygen forced her face away from the pillow as she took a much deeper breath, her dizziness signalling that she was nearing unconsciousness. Black dots marred her vision as she opened her eyes and took in her surroundings, the room spinning like a carousel around her as she felt her body fade away.
Sitting up and wiping her face with heavy hands, she closed her eyes and attempted to find some semblance of composure, slowing her breathing and focusing on the rise and fall of her chest-- in through her nose and out through her mouth. She sat motionless for innumerable seconds before she was able to feel the initial onslaught of her recent heartbreak subside like a violent thunderstorm that slowly gives way to more moderate rain afterwards, her sobs now fading into calmer tears. With her eyes remaining closed, she thought of Chris and the vast array of memories that were all she had of him now-- all the times he had made her laugh on their date nights and looked at her like she was everything, how he would sweetly fawn over his daughters in adoration as they regaled their latest stories to him, the way he held her in the morning and told her she was beautiful even though she had just woken up, and how she could hear the love in his voice through the wire even as he was thousands of miles away serving his country. She had made such beautiful memories with a wonderful man who had given her everything she had ever wanted; and she cried softly at the loss, knowing that she would feel it until the day she died.
Opening her eyes once more and wiping the fallen tears from her cheek, she glanced around the room in search of the time and needing to know just how long she had been asleep. Though disoriented, her eyes managed to catch sight of her alarm clock which read the time in bold, red letters.
1:52 PM
Ali’s eyes widened in shock and her heart sank in momentary fear at the realization. It had been nearly four hours that she had left her children unattended, and she gasped in trepidation before jumping off the bed and to her feet. She hastily composed herself and glanced in the mirror briefly as she smoothed her hair over her shoulders, tucking a few strands behind her ears and knowing she didn’t really have the time to do much more with her appearance. Once she slipped on her shoes that had been placed neatly next to the bed, she made her way through the room and down the hallway, ignoring the various photographs that she knew would make her fall apart in her journey to the nursery. She had a baby to tend to and nurture; and she could not allow herself for even the tiniest of moments to continue to wallow in her misery. She’d already slept far too long and cried more than she could bear by that point. The rest of the day would be about her children and making sure they had what they needed before their entire world crumbled around them like the ashes of a wildfire.
Coming to the open door of her youngest child’s room, she stopped as she heard nothing but a still and unordinary silence. She furrowed her brow in confusion, finding it odd that at midday, the usually lively baby would be fast asleep and not squirming and fussing about in her crib, begging to be free. Her heart sank for only a moment, her hands hanging numbly at her sides as she started to make her way into the room, panic setting in before the laughter of her twin girls caught her attention from downstairs as one of them loudly addressed their Aunt before the other burst into a fit of giggles. She snapped her gaze towards the doorway and immediately moved in the direction of the sounds. It was then that she remembered through the haze and fog of the jumbled thoughts in her mind, having been so distracted by her heartbreak that she’d momentarily forgotten that the girls were not alone and that she did not put herself to bed-- Ashlyn was there.
Ashlyn was there and seemingly caring for them.
Wasting no time at all, Ali exited the nursery and deftly made quick work of the stairs, her feet fluttering about as she descended towards the ground level, a clunking noise filling the air. Her nostrils breathed in a rather pleasant scent as she recognized the sounds as coming from the direction of the kitchen. Turning to her right and following the sounds and smells, she moved through her living room before rounding a corner into the large, open kitchen with the spacious attached dining room. The scene served to calm everything inside of her instantaneously as she observed two small figures sitting at the table, clutching spoons in their tiny hands as they stuffed their mouths with macaroni and cheese, their brown curls bouncing as they laughed animatedly at their baby sister who was covered in yellow paste and sitting next to them in her highchair.
“Hi, Mommy,” Avery wasted no time in greeting Ali, smiling mid-bite and flashing her food-caked teeth.
“Hi, Babies,” Ali moved across the dining room, forcing a cheerful tone to her voice and circling the table to stand between the twins and their baby sister. Kissing the top of the twins heads one-by-one, she reached a hand over to lovingly rub over Katy’s short, dark hair as the baby gurgled a happy response before Ali kissed her as well and asked, “What are you all doing?”
“It’s lunch time!” Avery sweetly exclaimed as she filled her mouth with a bite. “Aunt Ashy made us macaroni and cheese!”
“You want some, Mommy?” Ella asked as she held the child-sized spoon towards her mother.
“Oh, no,” Ali declined, shaking her head and looking around the kitchen in search of her absent sister-in-law. “Where is Aunt Ash?”
“Oh,” Ella began before Avery interrupted.
“She’s out on the porch,” she said nonchalantly before adding, “She had to call her friend to change Katy-bug’s diaper.”
“Yeah, Mommy!” Ella exclaimed with wide blue eyes as her eyebrows rose up to meet her hairline, her expression shifting to disgust. “It was so stinky!”
“It made her fall over!” Avery said enthusiastically before clapping her hands in reference to Ashlyn hitting the floor.
“We thought she was sick too,” Ella stated as her tiny eyes looked worried for a moment.
Laughing and gently wiping food from baby Katy’s cheeks with her thumb, Ali widened her eyes as well in bewilderment before she chuckled out a response, “What?”
“Her friend is really pretty, Mommy,” Avery offered as she nodded her head and took another bite.
“But not prettier than you!” Ella added as she brought a tiny hand up to pat her mother’s shoulder. “You’re a Princess!”
“Well, thank you, Sweetie,” Ali lovingly ran her hand through Ella’s curls before she rose to her feet, wanting to thank whomever it was that Ashlyn had called, before looking to the twins and giving them a smile. “I’m going to go see Aunt Ashlyn and her friend for a moment. You two stay here and help Katy-bug eat?”
She received two affirmative nods in response before smiling and walking towards the direction of the front porch, her shoes squeaking against the hardwood floor as she moved down through the foyer. She paused in her pursuit as her eyes glanced through the bay window and landed on the two figures on the porch. Ali froze in her spot, watching quietly as a woman who she recognized as Jessica Baker, with her thick blonde hair and tanned skin, reached her hand up to Ashlyn’s mouth and stole a drag off the cigarette she retrieved before smirking and putting it back between two pink lips. Her flirtatious nature was made all the more evident by the stark red lipstick and tacky outfit-- a skimpy white tank top nearly exposing her breasts complimented by dark denim jeans that were far too tight for her curved hips and round backside. She felt mildly uncomfortable at watching the exchange, knowing the tumultuous history between the two and not having very good opinions of the Baker woman. Chris had told her before that Jessica Baker was the reason Ashlyn had found herself robbing a convenient store in the first place. Although Ashlyn was old enough to make her own decisions, Jessica had threatened to leave if Ashlyn didn’t put a ring on her finger after all the back and forth between the two of them for the several years after high school; and Ashlyn just didn’t have the money for what she knew to be Jessica’s more high-end taste. So her sister-in-law improvised in an attempt to give the woman the ring she wanted. Four years later, Ali had to awaken in the middle of the night to pick up Ashlyn from a bar after a night of fighting with the woman who threw her out. Not much had changed for them over the years; but Ali wasn’t sure it ever would.
Ali shook her head in contempt for the woman’s role in Ashlyn’s destructive decisions before she watched Ashlyn stub out her cigarette on the sole of her boot and smiled sadly through what looked like tears as the two of them spoke in words that Ali couldn’t quite read from their lips. Jessica then reached a hand to run softly over Ashlyn’s cheek before leaning in to kiss the other one. Perhaps, Ali thought, Jessica was merely being supportive to someone she cared for and it was nothing more; and who was she to judge the two of them anyway?
A few long minutes later, Ashlyn strode back through the foyer and towards the kitchen with a faraway look in her eyes, her thoughts weighing on her as she shook her head in exasperation. Calling Jessica Baker had been the last thing she had wanted to do, the previous night playing in her mind as she dialed the familiar number-- a number she had perfectly memorized from all of the times she’d called her from the women’s prison during her confinement. She had gone over every other possibility, mentally crossing each one out as she didn’t really know them to be asking a favor from or she just didn’t have their number. Jessica’s name had been at the bottom of her list, but once she had gone through everyone else, it was the only name that remained. So she reluctantly called, holding her breath and hoping that Jessica hadn’t been too mad from their fight to answer her.
“Hello?” The woman’s voice answered as Ashlyn released the large breath she’d been holding.
“Jess…” Ashlyn sighed in a mixture of relief and desperation.
“Ash? What do you want?” She’d ask in a flat, emotionless voice that Ashlyn could tell meant she was clearly still angry with her; and why wouldn’t she be-- Ashlyn had lied about her job when she had been fired on the first day and it resulted in a blow-out fight in which harsh words were flung back and forth.
“Look,” Ashlyn began as she had decided to just cut to the point and put her own baggage aside to help her brother’s family. “I don’t care what you think of me but my brother was killed and Ali… She can’t really… I need help with the baby. Can you come over and help me?”
“Oh God, Ash!” She heard Jessica’s voice soften as she closed her eyes in hopes that she would come. “I’m so sorry. I’ll be right there.”
To Jessica’s credit, she came in under fifteen minutes and managed to change the toxic diaper, cook macaroni and cheese, and she even cleaned the kitchen up from the morning’s interrupted pancake breakfast-- something she did because she had just wanted to. Though Ashlyn knew that calling and getting involved again with her in any way was ill-advised and always led to something bad happening, she couldn’t discount the fact that Jessica had been very kind and helped the family in exactly the way they had needed her to without asking for anything in return. Sure, Ashlyn thought, Jessica probably expected the two of them to reconcile, evidenced by the way her lips had lingered on her cheek; but Ashlyn would save that discussion and decision for another day. At present, the only thing that really mattered was doing everything she could for the three small people that looked to her for care.
Rounding the corner into the dining room, Ashlyn jolted in momentary shock as she saw Ali at the head of the table sitting with the children, forced laughter echoing through the room as she obliged the twins in their story-telling. Ashlyn’s heart clinched momentarily as she could clearly feel the somber energy flowing from her sister-in-law as her sad brown eyes looked up into hers, the usual sparkle they held noticeably absent. The two adults shared a heavy, knowing look that spoke to the magnitude of the terrible situation before Ali spoke up much to Ashlyn’s surprise.
“So,” she said in a teasing voice, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. “You called Jessica Baker to come change my baby’s diaper?”
“I mean,” Ashlyn began as she nervously looked to her feet and brought her hand up to rub at the back of her neck. “I’ve never changed one before and it was gross, so…”
“Next time, you can just wake me up, Ash,” Ali answered with amusement at the woman’s obvious discomfort.
“I wanted to let you sleep,” she whispered enough for Ali to hear.
“Did you eat?” Ali asked softly, her eyes taking in the haggard appearance of Ashlyn as the woman had clearly had a stressful few hours tending to the girls and processing the loss of her brother.
“I don’t think I can,” Ashlyn replied as she looked into Ali’s eyes, the sadness unspoken between them as Ali nods in understanding.
“Well,” she started as her hand gestures to the chair on her left side. “Won’t you come sit with us?”
Ashlyn nodded solemnly as she moves from her rooted position in the doorway towards the large family dining table, her tattooed arm jutting out to pull a chair from the table and situate herself across from the twins who both flanked Ali’s right side. She glanced to her left and observed baby Katy chomping away at the stray bits of macaroni she held in her tiny fists, one bottom tooth on display through a dimpled smile as cheese sauce covered her cheeks. Her chuckle filled the air as she shyly glanced at Ali in an air of embarrassment for having been intimidated by the tiny being hours before.
“Well, you’re not as scary as you seemed earlier,” Ashlyn stated softly to the baby as Ali laughed in response.
Ashlyn looked up at the laughter and saw a stray tear trickle down Ali’s cheek as she felt her own breath form a lump in her throat at the sight.
“She looks so much like Chris,” Ali whispered softly, ending her statement before her composure failed her.
Ashlyn could only breath in response, her eyes focusing on her outstretched hands that rested on the table as her heart began its descent into her stomach, knotting uncomfortably in its depths. She could feel her own tears rising to the surface, threatening to break free before she swallowed hard to force them back down, exhaling audibly through her nose. She couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit of guilt saturate the air at being the one sitting at the family’s table-- the one alive-- instead of her brother, Chris-- the one who actually belonged there and who had made this family and home for himself. It was not her place to be with them and be the one caring for them. None of it was her place; but before she could rise from the table and scoot the chair back to leave out the front door and run as far away from the raw, encompassing guilt as she could get, she felt a soft hand clutch at her own from across the table. Darkly broken brown eyes stared straight into her own, challenging her to hold their knowing gaze and stay.
“Please stay with us,” Ali’s soft, pleading voice filtered in through ambient noise, as if she had sensed Ashlyn’s desire to run away from the moment. “You can have the guest room for as long as you want. But I would really like it if you stayed.”
“Yes!” Avery and Ella both exclaimed at the same time before Avery added, “Please stay here with us!”
Unable to deny her sister-in-law’s hopeful and heartbroken expression, or the pleas of her small nieces, Ashlyn softly gripped her hand in return and nodded her head, knowing that Ali was only asking because she didn’t want to be alone during this time. And she knew deep down inside of herself that she shouldn’t be alone either. She had never dealt with tragic loss before, having lost her mother on her first day of life; so she was terrified of what it would bring her and what she would be capable of. Ashlyn had always been an impulsive person known to handle her emotions in much the same way that a raging bull does when he sees the red flags held aloft by threatening bull fighters. The idea that she would be out in the world and left alone to deal with the loss of her brother without anyone to anchor her to earth-- that she might just float away or drown-- had completely shook her to her very core; and she wondered if Ali was offering to be that anchor. If she were, Ashlyn knew she couldn’t say no.
Suddenly, Ali’s cell phone made a noise signalling an incoming call. Ashlyn watched as her sister-in-law stood to her feet to grab the phone from where she’d left it next to the sink on the counter hours before.
Looking slightly disoriented, Ali answered the call and brought the phone to her ear with a shaky hand.
“Hello?” Ali asked the voice on the other line as her brows furrowed in attention and she listened, turning her back to the table and staring out of the kitchen window to the trees swirling in the wind. She found herself lost in their violent dance with the wind for a moment before the voice answered.
“Mrs. Harris?”
“This is she,” Ali supplied as her breath caught in the apex of her throat. “May I ask who is calling.” Though she already knew the nature of the call, she was doing her best to remain calm and address the caller with as much composure as she could muster.
“This is Sergeant First Class Williams of the United States Army.”
“Yes?” Ali’s soft, shaky voice held in the sob that nearly escaped her. “What can I do for you?”
“I’m terribly sorry for your loss, Ma’am. Staff Sergeant Harris was a good man.”
“Thank you,” she replied softly as her eyes closed and she gripped the sink in front of her.
“I’m calling to inform you that your husband's body has been transported to Howard Community Hospital there in Jasper. Would you be able to meet me there tomorrow to identify him properly and collect his belongings?”
“I can do that.” Ali nods through tears, bringing her hand up to hold in the sob so as to not cry into the phone call and alert her children who are laughing innocently in the background as Ashlyn keeps her concerned gaze focused intently on Ali.
“Thank you, Ma’am. I will let you get back to your day. Once again, I am sorry for your loss. I will meet you at the entrance with Corporal Thomas at 09:00 tomorrow morning. Take care.”
“Ok,” Ali briefly responds before ending the call and bringing the phone to her forehead and allowing the tears to finally escape her quietly.