1/2.
Choi Yuna. Kim Yewon.
The two of them have been my best friends since our diaper days— just like our mothers but they only met in elementary school. While Yuna and I are of the same age, Yewon is a year younger than us. It's a small age difference so it wasn't an issue for us to get along with each other. Throughout the years, we have made a lot of memories together. The happy ones are perfect for reminiscing but of course, the arguments are worth remembering too. I like to think that they're the reason why our bond grows stronger as each day passes by. I'm grateful that each of us knew when to put our pride down and apologise if we're ever in the wrong.
I can't imagine a life without any of them.
They're my pillars of strength; the ones who keep me going whenever I feel like giving up. I feel like I've been a bad friend to them at times but they're always there to reassure me that I'm not. It makes me feel warm knowing I have friends that will never give up on me. Because of them, they make my everyday life full of happiness and laughter. I'm not saying my own family members don't make me feel the same but with them, it's different. Yuna and Yewon are people I can freely show who I am to them and not be judged.
The two of them are alike yet different in certain aspects of their personalities. They make a perfect pair— each having traits that complement one another. However, Yuna is too dense to notice that while Yewon, on the other hand, is too much of a coward to take any action. I can't blame her though. Yuna has made it obvious many times that she sees Yewon as nothing but a younger sister she never had. It makes me wonder how Yewon can hide her feelings so well as if she's never affected by how Yuna continuously friendzoned her. Until one day, curiosity takes over me so I ask her.
“Why not tell Yuna how you truly feel about her?”
Yewon has this sad and longing smile plastered on her face that causes my insides to twist in ways I didn't know are possible. If anything, I don't like seeing my friends sad.
“You know exactly why,” she answers, her voice soft. “I'll be nothing more than a younger sister she never had to her. She has already made that obvious too many times.”
“But—”
“Won't you find it weird if we dated?”
“Of course not!” I answer without hesitation. “I want to see the both of you happy. Besides, I trust that you'll take care of Yuna well. I don't think I can trust anyone else.”
Yewon laughs but it's a weak one. “We all know Yuna has eyes for only one person. I will never have the chance.”
“You won't even try?”
Yewon shakes her head. “I don't want our friendship to strain and lose her eventually.”
I didn't ask her any more questions that day. I, too, feel sad after the conversation, hopeless that I can't help them with their situation.
✖✖
Yuna is hard to read sometimes. She isn't one to let her feelings out easily whenever she's angry or sad. She would rather hide those feelings and cry to herself than to talk to me or Yewon or better the both of us at the same time. She doesn't want to burden us with her problems, she told us once. She knows we're more than willing to listen and help her out but if it's her problem only, she wants to deal with it herself. I find that admirable but sometimes, I wish she would just tell us everything instead of keeping them to herself.
Personally, I don't think I give good advice but if someone is in need of a listening ear— especially Yuna and Yewon—, I'll be more than willing to hear them out and suggest something they can do even if it's the bare minimum. Between the three of us, Yewon is the one who gives the best advice. Although the youngest, Yewon is always firm with her words, never sugarcoating what she says just to make us feel better. They hurt sometimes but we know she's only telling the truth.
Yuna, too, gives good advice. She comes second after Yewon. Her sentences are usually well thought out and just like Yewon, she doesn't like to sugarcoat things. However, her words are less likely to hurt as much as Yewon's do and that's one of the differences they have.
Today, the three of us are hanging in Yuna's house. She developed a fever overnight but only told us about it this morning when Yewon forced the truth out of her. It caused Yewon and I to instantly panic when we found out, knowing Yuna isn't one to easily fall sick. It didn't take us long to get ready and visit Yuna to take care of her.
Seeing how the two are bickering as Yewon tries to feed Yuna some porridge, I dare not interrupt their moment and just watch them from the sofa. It's endearing seeing the way they act with each other.
“You should eat at least a few spoonfuls, Yuna,” Yewon says, placing the spoon nearer to Yuna's mouth for the nth time.
“But I'm not hungry,” Yuna huffs.
A soft giggle leaves my lips hearing her childish reply. It's typical of Yuna to act that way. She's firm whenever it comes to making decisions.
“Eunbi won't like it if you don't eat even just a little.”
My eyes widen when I hear my name being mentioned. What has this got to do with me? Before I could say anything, Yuna beats me to it first.
“Fine,” she grumbles. “I'm going to eat just a bit.”
“Good.” Yewon hands over the bowl of porridge to Yuna. However, when she sees her only staring at the food, she adds, “Do you need Eunbi to feed you then you'll start to eat?”
“What?” I blink. Why am I suddenly in the conversation again? Noticing Yewon looking at me, I breathe out an inaudible sigh and stand up from the sofa to head to where they are.
“It's okay. I can feed myself.”
Tsk.
I just wasted my time standing up from the sofa when I could've rested there longer.
It's not surprising, though. Yuna is indecisive that way sometimes.
✖✖
While Yewon chooses to stay overnight to take care of Yuna, I decide to give the two of them some alone time by leaving, giving them an excuse that I have to meet someone else. Well… technically, it's not an excuse because someone does want to meet me and I agreed beforehand not knowing Yuna is going to fall sick today but it makes me feel slightly bad when I see Yuna looking sad.
“A penny for your thoughts?”
“They're worth more than a penny now.”
Glancing up, I can't help but smile too when I see Yerin's usual eye smile. It's contagious. She always seems so bright that it makes me wonder if she ever felt sad before. It reminds me of Yuna and Yewon. They, too, dislike being sad around me.
“As usual, I have the whole evening to listen to you.”
Yerin is someone I met a month ago. It was a cold day that day and I was feeling lost, not knowing what I should be doing next. My mind was in a haze. I didn't want to go to Yuna and Yewon because I've troubled them with my problems more than enough so I chose to think about it myself by sitting at an empty playground alone. It wasn't something they could help me with. It's ironic how I don't want Yuna to be acting that way but I did the same.
Initially, I was wary when Yerin approached me with the very same smile and question asked. She looked harmless but I was taught at a young age not to trust anyone easily. Looks can be deceiving but my guard was down in an instant when I stared into her eyes longer.
“If you don't want to tell me, it's alright,” I remember her saying when I didn't answer her. “I'll just take a seat beside you and hope I'm not intruding your space but if you want me to leave, I can do so too.”
Somehow, that evening, I ended up letting out everything to her and she told me things about herself that I could relate to in return. I wasn't one to show tears easily but I cried a lot. Yerin was a stranger to me so why did I trust her easily when I could hide most of my problems and insecurities very well from my best friends for them not to worry about me?
“Are you ready to go home?” That was the last question she asked me that day when my crying eventually subdued.
“Not yet,” I answered her, my voice soft. I wasn't ready.
“I'll see you next week then. Same time, same spot. I'll be sad if you don't turn up.”
Since then, it's been a weekly thing for us to meet up.
I wonder what I’ve done in my past life for me to be surrounded by good people. I feel lucky but at the same time, I feel as if I don’t deserve all of them. They’re too nice to me, always giving me the emotional support I need that it makes me wonder if I give them the same amount back.
Between Yuna and Yewon, Yuna has been the one giving me more emotional support. Maybe it’s because we see each other more often compared to Yewon. The three of us have known each other since babies, yes, but Yuna and I are usually seen together every day without fail since we’ve been classmates from preschool all the way until high school. Yewon, on the other hand, was homeschooled throughout due to personal reasons. (She never told us specifically what they were though. Even when I asked Eomma, she didn't tell me why.) During those few years, we were only allowed to meet up with Yewon on weekends only when our mothers met up with each other. We only started hanging out a lot as a trio when we were done with school and Yewon was allowed to go out as and when she wanted.
It's only recently that I've been given more emotional support from Yewon. It's not that Yuna and I have grown apart but I've been spending more time with Yewon to help her boost her confidence to confess to Yuna. Spending more time with Yewon makes me realise how I've been a bad friend to her all this while by not being aware of her feelings for our other best friend.
“Do you think I'm doing the right thing?”
“If you think you are, then you are,” Yerin replies, making me frown.
What kind of answer is that?
“I'm asking a serious question.”
“And I gave a serious answer too. I'm not you, Eunbi. You should know it yourself whether you're doing the right thing or not. Ask yourself that. If you're doubting whatever you're doing, it probably means you're not doing the right thing.”
Looking up at the sky, I sigh. “Honestly, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.”
“It sounds like you're doubting yourself.”
“I still love her.” My chest tightens as I say that. I feel like crying but somehow, the tears won't fall. “But I know I can't have her. That's why I'm helping Yewon instead.”
Feeling fingers slipping in between mine, I tense a little but relax soon after as I feel warmth coursing through my veins. Yerin's hand is soft. The last time I've felt this warm was when…
“Eunbi, why are you crying?”
Huh?
Bringing my free hand up, I'm surprised to find hot tears trickling down my eyes. Funny how I thought I wasn't able to cry again.
“It's okay. Just let it all out. Everything will be okay. I'm here for you. I'll always be.”
Somehow, Yerin's words are reassuring. With the way she's drawing random circles with her thumb on the back of my hand, I oddly feel at ease.
She's right.
Everything will be okay.
✖✖
Yerin is wrong.
Dead wrong.
Why are the two people that I love the most shouting at each other? Here I am, standing right in front of the door to Yuna's house, afraid to even make a move. Their voices are loud enough to be heard from outside and it pains me how their voices are filled with raw anger and sadness combined. What happened between them while I was away?
“You know I love Eunbi!” That's Yuna. My fingers are tightly clenched into fists when I hear her say that. Things aren't supposed to turn out this way. She should've moved on already. “You can't just suddenly tell me that you're in love with me when you know that fact. How would Eunbi feel if she knows?”
“Eunbi was the one who told me to confess to you!” Yewon exclaims. Her voice is much calmer than Yuna's but the pain is evident. It's as if at any moment, she could break down.
I want to interfere, to stop them from fighting but my limbs aren't cooperating with me. They're fighting because of me. I know it's my fault and that I should stop them but… I can't.
I just can't even when I want to.
“Can you stop pretending like Eunbi is around?”
No… no, no, no. Yuna, you're not in the right mind now. Keep calm, please... at least for me.
“She's dead, Yewon. She's dead because of you! Honestly, I'm sick and tired of how you keep mentioning her name and how you told me you can see and hear her. Was that actually a plan of yours all this while so that I would forget Eunbi and choose you instead? You've only been manipulating me all this while, haven't you?”
No, it's not your fault, Yewon.
I was the careless one.
You did nothing wrong.
It's my fault. Everything is.
“Eunbi wouldn't like to see us fighting.”
I really don't. So, please think of me and stop fighting. It's hurting me hearing the two of you like this.
“There you go again mentioning her name,” Yuna chuckles bitterly. “Is it because you're guilty of causing her death?”
“It's not my fault. Eunbi said it wasn't.”
“Did she really tell you that or are you just trying to make yourself feel better by saying that?”
“I should've been the one to die, shouldn't I? Is that what you're trying to tell me?”
Suddenly, it's silent. I don't know how long it went until I hear Yewon's voice again.
“If I knew this was going to happen, I would've chosen to give up on my life years ago. You would like that better, wouldn't you? It'll only be Choi Yuna and Jung Eunbi. There won't be Kim Yewon in the picture being the third wheel. That's what you want, right?”
“Are you trying to make me the bad person now?”
“I'm not trying to replace Eunbi in your life. I was happy when you and Eunbi got together and that's because the two of you are my best friends. I've always known the two of you like each other. I wasn't blind. It made me wonder a few times that if I didn't… if I...” Yewon'svoice falters for a split second as if she's hesitating on continuing what she wants to say. “You know what. It doesn't matter. Nothing will change the fact that Eunbi is no longer with us and that your feelings for her will still be the same. If it wasn't because of Eunbi I don't think you would even want to be friends with me.”
Why is Yuna not saying anything back? We promised that no matter what happens, we’ll still be best of friends. Why is Yuna keeping quiet now instead of proving Yewon wrong?
Disappointed. This is the first time I’ve ever felt disappointed in Yuna.
“I guess this is goodbye, Yuna.”
Hearing the door being unlocked, I continue standing frozen at my spot, not knowing how to react. The moment my eyes meet with Yewon’s, my heart shatters into pieces seeing the fresh tears on her cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” I hear her apologise softly. “This is what Yuna wants. I can’t say no to her.”
I want to reach out to her, to say that she didn’t have to apologise because it’s not her fault but words aren’t leaving my lips no matter how many times I open and close them.
“It’s not—”
Yewon walks away before I could finish what I was trying to tell her.
What have I done wrong for this to happen?
I thought I could make them happy without me.