Dai Meng doesn’t want to say it out loud, but she has to give props to her mom for this one.
After her schedule yesterday, she received an ambush call from her mom. The one where she goes on a well rehearsed speech of how her friend’s son, who happens to be a doctor is in Shanghai for a convention.
From the other line, Dai Meng finds herself rolling her eyes, listening as her mother goes on a lecture on how close she is with her friend and it would be embarrassing if Dai Meng won’t be able to show him around.
That date ended an hour ago. She’s back in the dorm now, relieved to finally take off her Louboutins that she reserves for special occasions, making sure it’s away from Anna before her cat turns it into a chew toy.
She took off her black dress that accentuates every curve of her body. She could tell how much he appreciated it, as he stood there dumbfounded for a good minute before finally introducing himself. The dress was perfect but damn was it uncomfortable.
Dai Meng sighs in comfort as she puts on a ratty t shirt. Dai Meng reached out for her phone, scrolling until she reaches Jiaqi’s name. Despite being miles apart, they keep a close tab on each other and Jiaqi message her before her date, that she demands to know every detail of that night.
“Hey.”
“Oh hey. I thought I wouldn’t hear from you until tomorrow.”
Dai Meng just reply with a roll of her eyes.
“So,” Jiaqi says in a singsong voice and it easily made Dai Meng smile. It made her feel that Jiaqi was next to her instead of hundreds of miles away. “How did it go?”
“It went alright.”
“Alright. That’s it?” She could almost hear Jiaqi pouting.
“Yeah. it was alright.”
“Oh, ummm by the way, I sorta mention to Yu Yan that you had a date.”
“What?” Jiaqi is lucky that she’s in Shanghai right now, cause if she wasn’t she would have kick her for that. “Jiaqi seriously?”
“Well, ummm… if it makes you feel better or not depends, she just kinda ummm… just shrugged about it.”
“Oh, of course.”
And just like that, her heart breaks. It felt like finale night all over again, when she felt like all she could do is stare at the girl she had fallen so hopelessly for. To watch Yu Yan looks so happy and content to venture into this new life. A life that unfortunately, doesn’t have to include her.
Dai Meng wanted so badly to say that they could make it work. That Beijing and Shanghai is nothing, that despite the distance, she’s still the only person who she wants to be with. But what she wanted more was to hear it from Yu Yan.
That was much harder than she thought. They were pulled in different directions the entire night, fans and other girls, their families and not only that they had to pack, before she knows it, she was in the airport flying back to Shanghai while Yu Yan and her bestfriend is getting on another flight to Beijing.
Thank God for Jiaqi to interrupt her thoughts,
“So, how’s the guy?”
“Well, where do I even start?”
“Wherever. Wuzhe is in rehearsals, so I have time.”
“Oh wow. You sure know how to make a girl feel special, Xu Jiaqi.”
Dai Meng decided to start on their text messages. He was smart without being a smug asshole. He was respectful and polite, a rarity in guys these days.
But it’s different, so different, because with her even just seeing those three bubbles dueling was enough to make her heart flutter. Even if she just received a “hao de” from Yu Yan, it felt different.
Dai Meng talks about how he picked her up in his fully loaded Tesla, whose door almost smack her when it went up instead of swinging to the sides.
His car made her feel like she’s riding on a first class Emirates flight. But she didn’t mention to Jiaqi, how it’s not even close to how it feels when after practice, she and Yu Yan would take the long way back to the dorm. They would talk or more like she would talk and Yu Yan would listen, answer with a hum or two. Or sometimes they don’t say nothing at all, they just hold hands, her long fingers intertwined with hers and they’re just trying hard not to smile yet it feels like the best conversation in the world.
Xu Jiaqi asked how he looks and Dai Meng seriously can’t remember. He is handsome that she was sure of. Just by the look of how he fits in his branded clothes, it was clear that he works out too. But she can’t describe his face, can’t remember the color of his eyes (maybe brown cause he’s Asian), how his hairstyle was, or anything.
But it was entirely different from when she first saw Yu Yan walking in that room. She remembered every detail, her adorable ears peeking out from her dark locks, her hairclips, her pink jacket and shorts, and that regimented introduction that everyone tease her mercilessly about.
Dai Meng then talk about the fancy steakhouse that he brought her to. Those kinds that you need a month to have a reservation and where she would need to perform in the theater for 24/7 just to be able to afford their glass of water.
The prime rib tasted like heaven, there was the buttery mash potatoes that melts in your mouth. And then, on the corner of her plate, there it is, a fucking corn.
She almost lost it right there in that fancy restaurant. Almost wanted to scream like how can they serve them imported beef from Japan and then paired it up with fucking corn on a cob?
She wanted to move on, from tonight, from this corn and maybe eventually from Yu Yan. She wanted Yu Yan to just be the biggest cpop idol and just leave her alone.
But she can’t, not if she’s being triggered by a corn. And truthfully, a huge part of her refuses too. A huge part of her still believes that in the end, her and Yu Yan will still find their way to each other.
She finished everything on her plate plus her crème brulee except for that damn corn.
When he drove her back to the dorm, he leans in to kiss her. But Dai Meng ducked her head away at the right time, smiling politely and thanked him for a wonderful night. It was safe to say that he got the message and he didn’t need to ask for a second date, because he knew that he stood no chance.
“He seems perfect, Meng.”
Dai Meng can’t help but agree, “He is.”
“But?”
“It’s different.”
“-He’s not her.”
“Yeah yeah,” She waves off her bestfriend, but that thought left a bitter taste in her mouth. She shakes her head, sucked in a deep breath, “Well, enough about me, how about you? Tell me about-”
Dai Meng scowls as someone started banging at her door at close to midnight. It must be Sun Rui because no younger generation would dare bang at the door of Dai Meng qianbei this late.
“hold on- Sun Rui is at the door,” She says, swinging her legs off her bed before stomping towards the infuriating knocker. She stood close, making sure Anna doesn’t decide to bolt out once she opens the door.
It wasn’t Sun Rui.
It was somebody else.
It was only when she hears Jiaqi’s laugh that shock her that she’s there. She’s really there, in her cap, blue mask, tattered jeans and more tattered Air jordans.
“Oh, she’s finally there, huh?”
“Huh? What?”
Damn you Jiaqi for tricking her like this.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, love you Dai Meng.”
“Love you too,” She ends the call, she wonders how she even manage to do that when the girl standing there was enough to paralyze her.
“Is that Jiaqi or is that your new-“
But Dai Meng cuts her off before she could finish, “-It’s Jiaqi.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Yu Yan just stood there, as if both are just frozen in their spots. Those apathetic eyes were on the ground, her fists are clenched tightly once again until Dai Meng steps closer, lowering Yu Yan’s mask down to her chin.
“Yeah ummm, Sun Rui picked me up from the terminal, and she told me this is your room and I-“
That was as better than an I love you. She pulls her in a fierce embrace, and Yu Yan stood there at first, as if, unsure of what to do. But when, Dai Meng pulls her harder, she felt Yu Yan giving in, her arms wrapped around her.
And between their racing hearts, she hears Yu Yan begging softly,
“Please…”
And Dai Meng kisses her as if she’s answering Yu Yan back, that there is nobody else.
*
She took her to try the best xiao long bao in all of China. Sure, that hole in the wall restaurant might get questionable violations, but Yu Yan being Yu Yan ordered a vegetable dumpling. She talks and Yu Yan listens while their hands played a little game of tug of war underneath that rickety fold up table. They bicker and roll their eyes over their plates of dumplings and corn.
They took the long way back to her dorm, and they just stared at their linked hands, trying to hide their goofy smile.
“It’s okay, you know?”
Yu Yan turns to her, a curious expression on her face, “What is?”
“If you talk about debuting, I’m okay with it.”
“I just…” Yu Yan clenches Dai Meng’s hand harder. “I want you on that stage with me.”
Dai Meng smiles because she does too but sometimes fate has a funny way of playing with you. And if there is something that Dai Meng knows perfectly, it’s just you have to play with the cards you’re dealt with.
“I don’t have to be. I’ll have my own stage too. We will just shine in different places and when I watch you, I’ll say damn, that’s my girl.”
Yu Yan looks back at her, her gaze that was filled with uncertainty earlier, now finally looks at peace. Dai Meng smiles back, nudging Yu Yan’s hand.
“Now tell me everything.”
And Yu Yan did. There was a certain peaceful tone to her now, like their talks back in Changlong when it’s just the two of them. She talks about their rehearsals, talks about her new members, she talks about her dorm. Yu Yan exhales in pure relief as she slowly goes deeper, talking about her worries about their first stage, how she wants to prove to everyone what she’s capable of, even suggested to have the MR removed for her part.
And after Yu Yan finished, she looks back at Dai Meng earnestly, as if waiting for an approval, before Dai Meng kisses her and said, “I’m so proud of you.”
*
They went back to her room, and Dai Meng had the surprise of a lifetime when she saw the way Anna curled up around Yu Yan’s shins. Meowing so seductively until Yu Yan picked her up. Yu Yan with her penchant for all things cute, coos as she gives Anna cozy belly rubs. This was the same Anna who attack every member of SNH48, yet, lays putty in Yu Yan’s arms.
It will be her little secret, how she sneaks a picture of her two loves.
They fell on her bed, bodies tangled around each other. She couldn’t help the groan that escape her lips as dug her knee between her thighs. It has been long, too long and this was a different kind of desperation.
Her hands scratches on Yu Yan’s side, when out of nowhere Anna made a trampoline out of her face.
Her cat was annoyed for taking the attention of her new playmate. Needless to say, Anna had to sleep on the cage that night. And judging from Anna’s vehement mewling, her cat would surely make her life hell tomorrow for it.
But it was worth it, Yu Yan’s kisses and her caresses made everything worth it.
*
It was quiet in her room now, Anna had finally pass out from all that mewling and they weren’t breathing raggedly like before. They just laid there, still wrap around each other, before Yu Yan asked.
“So, you went on a date before we went out?”
Dai Meng scoots closer, pressing obnoxious kisses on Yu Yan’s scowling face, “Don’t be jealous.”
“I’m not.” Yu Yan said yet her scowl was still there. “I don’t care.”
Dai Meng playfully smacks Yu Yan on her flat stomach, “Well good, cause he can’t compare to you.”
It was only when she said that, when Yu Yan finally flash a soft smile.
“It’s just that at this point, I would rather agree with my mom than argue with her. She’s just worried that I’m graduating and I’m not sure what’s going to happen after. She just thought that he’s a doctor and he could take good care of me.”
Yu Yan remains quiet again, her finger tracing circles on Dai Meng’s arm.
“Hey,”
“Hmmm?” Say a pouty Yu Yan that Dai Meng couldn’t help but try to kiss away.
“Don’t worry. I know exactly who I want to be with. My mom just has to be okay that I’ll be dating some hot, talented and unbelievably gorgeous Cpop idol than a doctor.”
Yu Yan’s cheeks bubble into her emoji smile, “You think she’ll be okay with that?”
“Oh, so you’re saying, you’re hot, talented and unbelievably gorgeous?” Dai Meng tease with a raise of a brow.
“I could be.”
Dai Meng punches her softly in the arm before she says, “You need to stop hanging out with Xu Jiaqi.”
*
It was around 5:14 am when they arrived in the station for Yu Yan’s six am train.
It wasn’t like in the movies where the protagonist says their goodbyes as the trains whistles their last warning. This wasn’t a scene where she could chase after the bullet train, crying and waving goodbye to her darling, as it rides off into the sunrise.
Dai Meng can’t get inside the security check without a ticket. So, they just step to the side, tucked themselves between two stalls that have yet to open and just kiss. Oblivious as time ticked by, oblivious of the people scuttling around, oblivious of the9 Yu Yan and SNH48 seven senses Diamond.
That moment she’s just giving her girlfriend a goodbye kiss.
It wasn’t until the announcement blared in the speakers, where they finally pulled away.
“Okay, that’s your train, you got to go.”
“Okay.” Yu Yan nods, before pulling her close to give her one last kiss.
They press their foreheads together, their lips still trembling. Dai Meng bites her lower lip, trying to resist herself to kiss her again.
“Message me when you’re on the train?”
“I will.”
“Try to get some sleep, okay?”
“Alright. You too.”
One smile, one kiss, before Dai Meng raises Yu Yan’s mask to cover her face, then one wave and that’s it.
She watched her commander walked away.
Even with a cap and a mask on, there is still something so distinctively Yu Yan about her. The way her back is ramrod straight, her arms swinging in a rhythm and how every step seems to serve a purpose.
She reminds herself that they’ll see each other again in a few weeks, yet it still ripped her heart to see her walk away.
She smiles between her tears as she sees Yu Yan march like the commander that she is. No distractions, no turning back, it was as Yu Yan as it can get.
She watched until Yu Yan walks in the gates. It was only when she heard the clanging of the metal windows of the stalls that she was startled back to reality. She gave that gate one last look, before turning around, dodging through the crowd as she steps out of the station.
She pulls out her phone, typing out a message,
To Yu Yan
I love you so much
She shakes her head before deleting it. But before she can type something else, her phone beeps. Dai Meng reads the message and thank God for her mask or she might have looked like an idiot with how much she’s smiling.
It wasn’t an I love you, but it means so much more than that. It was better. It was from Yu Yan, her Yu Yan and that is more than she could ever wish for.
Epilogue
Yu Yan was five steps inside the gate when she spun back around. She surprised the guests as she sprinted back to the front, but she screeched to a halt just before she could step out of the door.
It was enough for her to catch a good view out of the crowded terminal, her heart aching as her eyes roam through every face, before catching Dai Meng’s retreating figure as she walks out of the station.
Yu Yan just stood there, trying not to block people’s way as they walk inside. She watches the girl that she loves walk further and further, every step away breaks her heart harder and harder.
She turns back around when Dai Meng disappears in the crowd, walking aimlessly to her train.
To Dai Meng laoshi
I love you so much
She shakes her head, quickly deleting the message. Dai Meng deserves better than that. She deserves better than a text message.
Someday she’ll finish her song. Yu Yan will sing it in front of a billion people because that’s what Dai Meng deserves, for her to know how irrevocably in love she is with her.
A song that answers all the questions about love.
Why I love you, how much I love you and such.
A song about her, about them.
A song about how lucky Yu Yan feels that out of all the people in the world, she’s the one that Dai Meng fell for.
It wasn’t the lack of words that was an issue, it was the opposite. There was too much words, because when Yu Yan thinks of Dai Meng word after word comes out. It flows in every inch of the page until she has to write on the margins.
Maybe a song is not enough, maybe she’ll write an entire album.
She finds her seat, struggling as she stares at the blinking cursor on her phone.
She types her own version of I love you, hoping it shows Dai Meng that what they have isn’t just for now, that the future she sees only means something if she’s with her.
She pressed send, takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, hoping to catch some sleep before becoming the9 Yu Yan again, and if she’s lucky, maybe, just maybe, she’ll see her girl in her dreams.
To Dai Meng laoshi
Tell your mom, I will take good care of you.