The choices we make

"Maybe..." Ceryse hesitates, noticeably uneasy. "Maybe I should go home."

"Home?" Alyssa repeats, trying to remain calm. Ceryse cannot return to Oldtown, not now.

"I’d like to see my family. My father is getting old. I want to create new memories with him before it’s too late."

Alyssa smiles at her. Under different circumstances, she wouldn’t have hesitated to let her go, but recent events made it impossible. Alyssa wouldn’t blame her for wanting to expose the truth; that woman had been robbed of everything. Years of her life wasted in a barren marriage, forced to endure her husband’s humiliations and infidelities, for what? Alyssa would help her get revenge if not for the fact that her own daughter was involved.

"The wedding of Aegon and Rhaena is approaching. I’d like you to be here for it, you are her aunt," Alyssa takes Ceryse’s hands in hers, trying to find a sense of shared understanding in the woman’s eyes, but she gets nothing. Ceryse can barely conceal her sorrow. She forces a smile. "Perhaps after the ceremony, you can return home."

Alyssa knows she is lying. With what Ceryse knows, she will never be able to leave King’s Landing.

Exile is too lenient a punishment. Stripping him of all his titles and sending him to the Wall would have been far more satisfying for her, but the truth is, Aenys had already done enough by banishing him.

"He is still my brother," Aenys laments on the day of his departure. Alyssa remembers watching him stare at the sky with surprising sorrow. She thought he might change his mind and order his return, but he did not. Aenys had placed his daughter’s honour above his brother, and Alyssa admired him for it.

Rhaena is a headache.

Her daughter had always had a peculiar nature, a little spoiled, a little shy. She had caused trouble before, when she started that striking relationship with Larissa. They had been so indiscreet that half the court had noticed, and Alyssa had felt obligated to send Larissa away. But Larissa was soon replaced by Melony. They were more discreet, but Alyssa knew. A mother knows her daughter.

She had eventually accepted it. At least it was impossible for them to conceive a child (that was Alyssa’s constant consolation). It would be temporary, Rhaena would marry Aegon, have children of her own, and lose interest. Or so Alyssa insisted on believing. No one had prepared her for this turn of events. She blamed herself. Perhaps if she had been stricter, if she had told her daughter she could not have everything, perhaps they wouldn’t be in this situation. Alyssa had given her too much freedom.

"You know, Rhae? I think I’ll take your surname when we marry,"  she hears Aegon say as she approaches them. "What if you take my name, and I take yours?"

Aegon bursts into laughter. Rhaena forces her best smile.

"No one will notice, but we will know."

 "Aegon," Alyssa calls him. "Could you leave me alone with your sister for a while?"

He is still too young to understand the repercussions of this marriage. Alyssa preferred it that way, she had enough to deal with Rhaena.

"I leave you with the future Lady Targaryen," he departs laughing, as if he has just made the best joke.

 "How are you feeling?" Alyssa asks as soon as they are alone.

Rhaena looks at her in that way, the way she has been looking at her for weeks. Rhaena blames Aenys (and Alyssa) for her fate. She refuses to accept her responsibility in all of this.

Queen Visenya had no qualms about suggesting that Rhaena be sent to Oldtown. She insisted that Rhaena should pay for her sins just as Maegor had. Aenys could punish his brother, but never his daughter. 

 "In one moon, you will be a married woman. Aren’t you excited?" Alyssa persists. No answer. "I was before my wedding..."

 "It’s not difficult to be excited when you’re marrying someone you love," Rhaena’s voice is laden with reproach as she glances sideways at her mother.

Rhaena is nothing more than a foolish girl who let her naivety get the better of her.

Alyssa had turned a blind eye when it came to Melony, but now… They had to act quickly to ensure the whole realm didn’t find out, to keep the truth reduced to mere rumour.

 "Rhaena," Alyssa tries to approach her, but Rhaena steps back. "What did you expect me to do? You know this is the best solution…"

 "It isn’t! Aegon will hate me sooner or later. I am not the wife he desires."

"That doesn’t matter. Your marriage was destined. He will be king, and you will be his queen."

 "This isn’t what I want! I don’t want to be queen!"

She is crying. Every conversation seems to end in tears. Alyssa always feels as though she has done something wrong in these moments, even though she knows she hasn’t. She is protecting her.

 "And what do you want? Do you want disgrace to fall upon you? Do you want us to hand you and your bastard over to the Faith?"

Alyssa knows she has gone too far. Rhaena runs off in tears.

* 

Despite Aenys’s hesitance in other matters, he remained firm on this, even when the High Septon condemned the union.

 "Perhaps I should listen to my aunt and set Oldtown on fire," Aenys said one night.

Alyssa knew him well enough to be certain he wouldn’t do it, but the mere suggestion made it clear just how determined he was this time. Alyssa felt proud of the resolve he had been showing lately.

This wedding was doomed to fail. Given the short notice, the great houses barely had time to prepare for their journey to the capital, which led to notable absences, such as the Lannisters and the Starks. The Baratheons and the Greyjoys arrived just in time, while the Tyrells were delayed by the advance of the Warrior’s Sons, they sent a gift, at least.

"We will have plenty of time for a grand wedding once the Red Keep is completed," Aenys tried to soothe Rhaena’s unease, though she looked as if she might flee at any moment.

For Alyssa, the most surprising presence at the wedding was that of Queen Visenya. Aenys’s recent decisions had angered the Dowager Queen enough for her to leave the capital, imposing a self-exile in Dragonstone.

 "I am truly surprised by how bold our king has become lately," Visenya addressed Aenys during the feast. Alyssa forced a smile in her direction.

"I act like a king does, like my father would do. “ The truth was that the Conqueror would likely have been more lenient in this matter. Rhaena had always been his weakness.

"I highly doubt your father would have sent his brother away without any explanation."

 "I did what was necessary to maintain peace," Aenys replied firmly.

"Peace?" Visenya scoffed and with good reason. They were far from being at peace. With the Faith becoming more rebellious by the day, all they needed was a spark to ignite the fire, and now they had one. Alyssa glanced around the hall, searching for Ceryse. She spotted her speaking with Lord Stokeworth’s wife.

"Let’s not discuss such matters on a day like this," Alyssa intervened, giving her husband a pointed look. "We are witnessing the wedding of the future rulers; it should be a day of joy."

"Very true," Aenys finally agreed. He looked towards his aunt before standing up and addressing the hall. "It is an honour to be here! Today is a special day. We are witnessing the marriage of the future rulers!"The hall erupted in cheers for Rhaena and Aegon. "To the Prince and Princess of Dragonstone!" Everyone in the room toasted to the young couple everyone except Visenya. Perhaps the celebratory atmosphere made it easy for people to overlook the weight of Aenys’s words. Until now, the only person ever acknowledged with that title had been Maegor.

Alyssa could swear that Visenya’s eyes burned with fire. She looked absolutely furious as she stood up. Several people watched her leave, but no one dared to stop her. Despite everything, Alyssa knew that angering Visenya would be far more dangerous.

"It is time for the bedding ceremony!" someone shouted.

Under different circumstances, Alyssa would have opposed such a tradition, especially considering that Aegon was only thirteen. But in this case, the bedding ceremony was crucial. People needed to believe the marriage had been consummated. They needed to believe that on this very night, a child had been conceived, a child so precocious that they would be born two moons early.

Aegon laughed as he was stripped of his wedding attire by his cousins.

"You must treat Rhae well," Larissa told him.

"Perhaps you’ll conceive a king tonight," Dana teased, pinching his arm. "Do your best to make sure they turn out handsome."

"Of course they’ll be handsome, have you seen me?"

"That’s exactly why I said it," Dana pinched him again, making Aegon laugh as his cheeks turned red.

Lianna and Maryse said something Alyssa couldn’t quite hear, but it made all the girls laugh, all except Aegon.

Dana and Aegon would have made a great match. They were close in age and had always got along well. Dana had attracted the interest of many young men in Driftmark, and Daemon had been just as eager to marry her off as Alyssa had been to marry off Aegon. The idea of a union between the two had been suggested several times. But Aenys had never been convinced. He wanted Rhaena to be queen alongside Aegon.

Rhaena was not as cheerful as Aegon. Alyssa had asked her to fake some joy—just a little—but she was determined to make her apathy towards the marriage clear. Still, she did not protest when she was dragged out of the hall alongside her brother.

 "You might be a grandmother soon," Daemon told her.

Alyssa found it hard to believe. Only a few moons ago, she had given birth to a baby herself, Vaella.

 "I hope it’s a girl," Alyssa confessed and she wasn’t lying. A girl would make things much easier.

*

Barely three days after the wedding, one of the maids informed Alyssa that Rhaena was feeling unwell. Alyssa feigned ignorance and dismissed the concern. They couldn’t afford this, not now.

She had never been a particularly pious woman, but she began praying for the gods to correct this mistake, for the gods to undo this sin. Rhaena was young, she would have more children, legitimate children.

If the gods heard her prayers, they did nothing.

That afternoon, she sat with her children. Viserys and Jaehaerys played under their mother’s distracted gaze. One of the nursemaids paced the room, holding a restless Vaella in her arms. Alyssa gestured for her to come closer and hand over the baby. She obeyed.

Alyssa studied Vaella’s face, noticing a resemblance to Rhaena. She thought back to her days as a first-time mother, when she had insisted on taking care of her daughter herself, reluctant to accept a wet nurse. That was a luxury she could no longer afford. As she had taken on more responsibilities in the realm, she had been forced to sacrifice time with her children.

 "You can’t pass, Jae! My fleet of ships is blocking your way!" Viserys declared with the confidence of someone who knew he had won.

Instead of backing down, Jaehaerys let out a laugh and sent his wooden dragon soaring over the tiny metal ships. Viserys frowned.

"That’s not fair! You cheated!"

Viserys stretched to reorganise his fleet, a pout forming on his lips.

 "Tassie! Jaehaerys is cheating again!"

Jaehaerys turned to look at her with his sweet, innocent face. Tassie smiled at both boys before glancing nervously at Alyssa, who remained seated in her rocking chair. Alyssa gave a calming gesture before leaning forward and addressing her sons.

 "I think your brother is right, my love. Dragons can defeat ships."

At least, a good dragon could.

"Not mine. They’re fireproof."

"Oooh," Jaehaerys covered his mouth in surprise. "You didn’t say that!"

"Well, now you know. No more cheating."

Viserys rearranged his ships under Jaehaerys’s watchful eye. Jaehaerys clutched his wooden dragon, deep in thought.

"You can’t pass now!" Viserys cried triumphantly. He knelt on the floor, hands on his hips, surveying the scene with satisfaction.

Jaehaerys placed tiny knight figurines in front of the ships.

 "Do you think your land army can take on my fleet?" Viserys laughed boldly.

 "Yes. They can breathe and see underwater, and they have super strength."

Jaehaerys wore a triumphant grin at the same moment, Viserys’s smile vanished.

"No!" the older boy yelled. Jaehaerys laughed, pushing his knights against Viserys’s ships. Viserys retaliated, knocking his ships into the knights. A scuffle broke out. "Tassie!"

A guard entered the chamber to speak with Alyssa. She gestured for Tassie to go and calm the boys.

"Lady Ceryse wishes to speak with you, my queen," the guard informed her.

Alyssa knew what this was about. She had been avoiding Ceryse since the wedding, nearly a fortnight.

She nodded to the guard, feeling trapped, handed Vaella back to Tassie, and left to confront the woman. She put on her best smile.

 "It was a beautiful wedding," Ceryse said as they walked through the corridors towards Alyssa’s chambers. "I’ve enjoyed my stay here, but I believe it’s time for me to return home."

"Ceryse," Alyssa took her hand. "You are my only friend here. I don’t know how I could endure everything that’s happening without you…"

 "I appreciate your words, my queen, but I truly don’t feel like I belong here. I wish to leave, please," Ceryse whispered, giving her a pleading look.

 "With the Faith against us and the Warrior’s Sons growing bolder?" Alyssa shook her head. "We haven’t made it public yet, but the maester has confirmed that Rhaena is with child." Ceryse’s eyes widened in surprise. Perhaps she had suspected it."A grandchild is a blessing, but with all the turmoil outside, I fear for the child’s safety."

 "Already?" Ceryse’s gaze drifted off, thoughtful. "Then allow me to offer my congratulations, Your Grace. A new king is about to enter the world."

"I conceived quickly as well," Alyssa laughed nervously. "And Rhaena was born early. I hope my grandchild doesn’t take after her in that regard." Rhaena had been born good if anything, she had arrived late. She had been a rather small baby.

 "The gods have blessed the union. I don’t think there is anything to fear," Ceryse smiled. "I could go to Oldtown and share this news myself. Perhaps I could help encourage acceptance of the marriage."

"That would be wonderful, Ceryse. But why not stay until the birth? That way, you could personally assure them how healthy and perfect the baby is, so there can be no doubt."

Ceryse’s smile faltered.

"Of course, my queen."

*

"My queen, the princess has gone into labour. She requests your presence," one of the servants informed Alyssa in the middle of the night.

It took Alyssa a moment to process the words. Rhaena had barely wanted to see her in the past moons. Pregnancy had made her miserable, furious and irritable. Nothing seemed to calm her, not even her favourites. Alyssa had enough to deal with already, so she hadn’t bothered fighting with her. She had left her be.

Rhaena’s chambers were in chaos. Midwives and servants rushed around, trying to prepare everything for the baby’s arrival. All of Rhaena’s friends were present. Rhaena herself was crying and screaming through her contractions.

Alyssa wasn’t sure where she fit in amidst the disorder, so she stood by the door, watching the scene unfold.

"Mother!" Rhaena called out when she saw her. "Mum, please come!" She stretched her hand towards Alyssa, who hurried to her side.

"Hello, my love. How are you feeling?" Alyssa whispered, but Rhaena only squeezed her hand tightly and let out another scream.

"I’m scared. I can’t do this—I don’t want to do this," Rhaena sobbed.

It was too late for that.

— "Of course you can. Of course you can," Alyssa reassured her. "You’ll have a strong, healthy child. "

Rhaena shook her head, still crying.

— "I want to stand up. I want to be on my feet," Rhaena pleaded.

Alyssa and Melony helped her to stand. Samantha wiped the sweat and tears from Rhaena’s face, while Alayne offered words of encouragement.

Rhaena walked around the room, stopping each time a contraction hit. They were coming more frequently now.

 "You’re dilating well, princess. This child will be born soon," one of the midwives informed her.

Rhaena never let go of Alyssa’s hand, nor Melony’s, for the remainder of the labour. She was standing by the bedside when one of the midwives announced that the head was crowning. Alyssa held her breath.The child she had been wishing death upon was about to enter the world. For a moment, the only sound in the room was Rhaena’s screams—until another cry broke through.

"A girl, princess."

One of the midwives cut the umbilical cord and carried the baby away to wrap her in a blanket, while another tended to Rhaena, instructing her to push out the afterbirth.

"I want to hold her, my baby," Rhaena pleaded, almost desperately.

Alyssa released her hand and stepped towards the midwives. One of them handed her the baby. She took a moment to look at her.She couldn’t find a resemblance to anyone. The baby’s skin was wrinkled, still stained with blood. She was larger than her mother had been at birth.The baby opened her eyes, and her violet gaze met Alyssa’s. Guilt washed over her.This was the child she had been wishing dead.

"Give her to me!" Rhaena’s voice pulled her back to reality.

Alyssa gave the baby one last glance before handing her to Rhaena.

"I’m a grandmother now," Alyssa murmured as tears fell down her face.

Rhaena examined her daughter’s face as if trying to memorise every detail. Tears continued to stream down her cheeks. She leaned over and kissed the baby’s forehead.

"My little girl, my Alysanne."