Chapter 2
When Abby started recovering she wasn't sure she wanted to regain her muscles. Those years of training had had a goal, but the farther she was from it all, less sense it made, more she understood Owen's reactions to her obsession. To look in the mirror now and don't quite see herself anymore, together with all self-doubt, left her in a weird limbo, without sense of self. Who was she afterall?
But the day after Cassandra's visit Abby woke up determined. The island hadn't a gym like Seattle, but she fixed up what she could and upped her diet. Lev had fun helping her, but pretended to be annoyed when Abby would jokingly capture him for bench press.
That initiative, of course, wouldn't go unnoticed, but Cassandra chose to not intervene. Abby told herself this time it was different, she wasn't just determined to accomplish a goal, she wasn't after vengeance. She wanted to go back to her roots, to what her father had taught her, to what mattered. It was too late to change course of some things, she was a fighter, not a doctor, but she could be a protector instead of a predator.
Times was passing and as promised Cassandra didn't leave her out. Abby was part of the meticulous route planning for the mission, it wasn't meant to be a fast journey, it was essential to be safe. Every month they communicated by radio with the doctor, Madison Whitebull, Abby hanging on her every word like a lifeline. The doctor was cheerful and levelheaded, despite understanding the gravity of the moment, she didn't sound tense or scared.
Abby had promised to respect Cassandra's wishes, but she was growing impatient. Planning was good and all, but the more she taught about such an important person living completely unprotected, how her father had ended even living under the Fireflies and having a bodyguard... Even if his demise had actually had a personal motivation, it was hard to calm down.
Next time the doctor made contact, Cassandra signaled Abby to approach and presented her as the capable soldier that would soon become Madison's bodyguard.
"Have a safe journey Abby. Over and out," was the last thing the doctor said that day with a smile in her voice.
Over the weeks it had been impossible to keep hiding what was happening from Lev and they had argued about what to do next a few times. Be by leaving him behind or putting him in risk all over again, Abby felt guilty either way. But she didn't want to jeopardize the only relationship she had left, so they decided to stick together.
They left in a small group. Some of them only meant to help through California, once the cities became more sparse they would make their way in a group of four. Catalina Island, that once felt like the only hope they had for something better, now diminished in the distance and Abby dared to hope for more. For much more.
***
Ellie was in Jackson the next day. She readied to shake off the looks and whispers, but Maria asked for her before anything else.
"I'm glad you made it back in one piece," Maria said with her typical calm tone as soon as Ellie came into the room.
Ellie thought to say sorry or that Maria didn't need to worry, that she wouldn't come back. But in the end Maria was the only parental figure Ellie could come to now or at least she hoped... She had to try.
"I didn't do it."
Maria was surprised, but recovered fast and sat behind her table, gesturing for Ellie to do the same.
"I tracked her and the boy. They had been captured, then I got in and freed them... She didn't want to fight," here Ellie had a half-hearted laugh. "She showed me to the boats! She'd have take me along..." It was harsh to bring the memories forward by herself when the only thing she did all day was try to suppress them. "But I threatened the boy, he was unconscious and she caved in. I could've done it... She was literally half the woman I had met before. But then I remembered Joel..." her voice faltered and she could feel the tears coming again. "I let them go. I let them go and now I have nothing left." She covered her eyes as if this could stop the tears.
"No, Ellie. You kept the most important. Your soul," Maria said, taking her hand.
"I don't know about that. Now I have to live with all I've done. Everything and everyone I destroyed. Sometimes I can't believe the things I've done. I keep having flashes and nightmares."
"You're replacing your anger for guilt. But there's no use for that, you can only look ahead. And you know what's there? Your family."
"How can I be of help to them like this?"
"Time is the biggest healer, Ellie. You healed Joel's heart, they can help you heal yours too. You'll find purpose again if you stop running away."
"She doesn't trust me anymore."
"Well, that's your first task then."
Silence filled the room for a moment, while Ellie tried to process everything. "Thank you, Maria."
Maria smiled, but it soon faded. "Do you plan to talk to Tommy?"
"If we cross paths I'll only say it's over. I hope this gives him closure," but seeing Maria's sadness she felt need to say more. "I'm really sorry, Maria, if it wasn't for me he..."
"No. No. He made his choices and keeps making them."
Ellie only nodded and got up. "I'll head to Dina's now. She said I could visit JJ."
Here Maria smiled again. "Go. And Ellie, anytime you need to talk..."
Ellie just nodded and was out the door.