“Did you know, Lex, feelings can change?”
They’re the first words Rue says when Lexi picks up the phone at 1:23am. She’s learnt to keep it on -god forbid she keeps a solid sleep schedule, having Rue around is like having a new born – but it rings sometimes multiple times a night, and never has Lexi heard Rue sound like this.
She doesn’t sound sad. Not crying, like normal, or panicking so hard her breaths squeal down the line of the phone. No, this time, she sounds so incredibly tired – so utterly done – that it scares Lexi wide awake.
“Rue-”
“Feelings change, Lexi, and no one – no one fucking tells you.”
Lexi’s breath catches. “Rue, it’s okay.”
“You might hate me right now, Lex, and I’d have no idea. Because people are too fucking nice, you know? They don’t wanna hurt you, so they lie.” Her voice is monotone, her tone flat. “But what they don’t know is lying is worse, right, Lexi? Because once one too many people lie to you, you got no fucking idea what people are saying. You never get to believe anyone and it… it fucks you up, yknow? Can’t believe anyone, and then you just – you just gotta double guess every single thing, and you never know what the truth is.”
Lexi’s up and pulling a hoodie over her singlet top already, ignoring Cassie’s soft murmurs. “Rue, it’s okay. I promise it’s okay. I’m coming over.”
“No! No, Lex, you can’t –” It’s the first amount of emotion she’s shown all night, super panicked all of the sudden.
“Rue, I’m coming. Keep talking to me, okay?” Telling her was the mistake.
“No – no, Lexi, please, don’t come over…” Rue starts to cry. “Please don’t come, Lex, please…”
It’s too late. Lexi’s already out the fucking door. “Bub, it’s literally two minutes away, okay? I’m coming, you’re okay, I’ll be there soon. Unlock the door, okay?”
“’S unlocked.” Leslie’s used to Lexi slipping in randomly, doesn’t bat an eyelid when she says goodnight to Rue and good morning to both of them. Lexi’s so grateful for that fact.
Rue’s gone quiet on the phone, and Lexi whispers her name a few times to no response before she breaks into a run towards her house.
By the time she gets there, Rue’s curled up in the corner of her room, shaking so violently the bed frame is rattling. She’s got her fingers curled in her hair, holding her head in her hands as she rocks and rocks. Lexi’s breath falls out of her at the sight of it all, but she gathers a wet cloth and a plastic cup of water and passes Rue a sensory squishy toy that the other girl clenches immediately.
“Take my hand when you’re ready,” Lexi says quietly, surveying the situation. “You need to stop rocking, okay? Otherwise I’m gonna have to touch.”
Rue whimpers, one hand clenched tight around the toy and the other’s nails embedded in her scalp. She starts to bang her forehead steadily against her knees, the dull thud hurting in a good way, grounding her slightly.
“Rue,” Lexi says gently. “You can’t be doing that, okay? I’m gonna put my hand in there… ready? Okay, here we go… gentle, now…” She slides her hand between Rue’s knees and head and the other girl hits it once before freezing, trembling violently and looking wide eyed at Lexi.
“Oh, shit,” Lexi breathes, and Rue’s entire face crumples as her mouth opens wide and she starts to cry heavy, silent sobs into the room.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck she shouldn’t – she shouldn’t fucking be here, you idiot, you hurt her, you just woke her up with your fucking problems and it’s always fucking you – it’s you! it’s you and you and you and you never stop and she’s probably so fucking tired of you and –
and why did you even call her in the first place? because you were scared? that she’d hate you? you just fucking helped her hate you. calling someone in the middle of the night – texting, even, that’s fucked up!
she doesn’t want that, she didn’t ask for this, she’s just been dumped with you and she’s too fucking nice to cut you off because now she knows how fucking delicate you are and she’s got this unfair – not fucking fair responsibility for you because you attach yourself to people and if they leave you’ll fucking die or at least hurt yourself really bad and she knows that now, fuck!
and sure, maybe she keeps saying she cares and she’ll never leave but how the FUCK do you know that’s true, Rue? she’s probably fucking lying because she’s scared if she does leave you’ll be even more fucked up and now she has this stupid responsibility and it’s all your fault, it’s all my fault, it’s my fault, she needs to get out get out get out get out get out – she doesn’t – she deserves fucking better, she deserves so much better than you and –
and every time you tell her this shit you just make it fucking WORSE, rue! no one wants to hear it and even if they say they do you can’t – you can’t fucking let them hear because that’s fucked fucked fucked and she doesn’t care about your fucking problems and you keep forcing them on her and you love her too much, too too much you love her too fucking much
and all your fucking issues are related to fucking jules and FUCK her, seriously, she fucked up your life when she left but honest to god you loved her so much but also this is all her fault but also she still matters so you can’t hate her completely but it’s not fucking fair to lexi that whenever you panic it’s mainly due to triggers that SHE LEFT BEHIND and fuck that, because lexi deserves better she does she does she does
and honestly, none of this is fair to lexi. not the anxiety, not the jules situation, not any of your fucking baggage. she says it doesn’t matter but she has no fucking idea how fucked up you are, and now that she’s here and you love her too fucking much there’s only two thoughts going through your brain
one is bad. there’s no way it can end well. lexi has to realise sooner rather than later how messed up you are and then she’ll leave of course she’ll leave, and you love her so much more than she could ever love you and even if she loved you a fraction of the amount how will you ever believe her? how do you fix this??
the other is selfish, because you’re fucking happy (for the most part. until times like now happen) for the first time since jules left and you don’t wanna give it up yet. but that’s not fucking fair on lexi because there are things you probably should say, probably should tell her, that you don’t want to because fuck you feel okay.
Rue takes a gasping breath and breaks out into long sobs, falling forward into Lexi’s hand as the other girl breaks out of their silence with a small murmur and shuffles herself around.
“Hey… hey, Rue-Rue, you’re okay… hey, baby, can I hold you?”
Rue nods, clawing closer to Lexi and trying to ignore the heavy guilt that floods her as she sobs into Lexi’s shoulder. “I – I sh-shouldn’t do th-this…”
“Shh,” Lexi coos. “Please don’t think like that.”
“I can’t – I c-can’t not th-think like that, L-Lex, you’re gonna l-leave!” Rue takes a huge sniff, curling her arms around Lexi’s neck and burying her face in her neck. “Please don’t leave me, Lexi, please, please don’t leave, don’t leave – fuck!”
you can’t fucking beg her not to leave, Rue, that’s not how this works. she gets her own choice, you’re just making it worse, you’re making it like she doesn’t have a choice, you’re making her feel guilty if she does –
She tries to move away, scrambles off Lexi’s lap –
“Rue – Rue! Stay still, dammit – Rue, oh my god, Rue!” Lexi wrestles with her, keeping her arms tightly wrapped around the struggling girl’s body. “You need to stop, okay? Stop thinking like that. I’m staying right here, right with you, okay? I’m holding on. Stop.”
she’s only saying that because you made her. she wants to get up and leave more than anything right now, she’s only staying coz she’ll feel guilty if she leaves because she knows you’ll break I’m already broken yeah and that’s why she’s staying she’s not sure how you’ll get worse but she’s stuck here now and it’s her fault, you made her stay she can leave if she wants no she fucking can’t, she’s too nice, she doesn’t want to fucking BE HERE, Rue! can’t you see? she hates this, she wants to go home and you keep inviting yourself over and making her feel bad if she doesn’t give you attention, it’s your fault, it’s all your fault –
“Rue – Rue, sweetie, I’m gonna need you to take a deep breath, okay? You’re scaring me, Rue, okay? I don’t know what to do. Can you tell me what you need right now?”
i need –
“I need you to go.” She sobs heavily, starting to feel slightly sick as snot runs down her face. “Please, Lexi, I need you to go.”
“Yeah, no you fucking don’t,” Lexi shakes her head. “You need me here.”
yeah i do but you shouldn’t be here you can’t it’s my fault it’s all my fault – “I want you here but I can’t – you can’t – don’t gotta – can’t be here, Lex – can’t fuckin – fuck – you can’t-” She’s choking on her words and Lexi grabs her face suddenly, one hand each side, and presses her forehead against Rue’s, holding her still.
Rue’s eyes flick this way and that, and she tries to escape, but Lexi holds her tighter.
“Breathe,” she says firmly. “I’m not talking til you breathe.”
“You gotta go, Lex, you gotta fucking go –”
“Rue.”
Rue’s eyes widen.
“You need to stop.”
And then they’re kissing and Rue almost forgets, kisses Lexi back until the other girl pulls away and kisses her nose gently.
Rue nuzzles in softly, and they sit there for a moment, entwined on the floor together, before Lexi shuffles out of the corner and helps Rue up. “Get changed,” she murmurs. “Get some cleaner clothes on and I’ll give you my hoodie, alright?”
Rue nods with a sniffle, changing out of her tear stained pyjamas and into a new pair, closing her eyes as Lexi pulls a warm hoodie over her head. Lexi’s never really been that touchy-feely, at least not like this, but god, Rue needs it.
yeah, she’s only like this because you did it, this isn’t fair on her –
Rue hits her head – actually physically hits it, whimpering, but Lexi grabs her hand and pulls the hood over her curls and Rue breathes in deep. “Smells li’e you,” she whispers childishly, and Lexi gives her a tired smile.
“Come snuggle with me, crazy,” she whispers, and Rue settles in gently under her arm. She has her ear pressed against Lexi’s collarbone, the other girl’s heart thumping steadily under her head. It’s calming.
Lexi presses a gentle kiss to the top of Rue’s head, contemplating the craziness of Rue’s huge height on her yet the fact that as soon as cuddles are involved, she acts like a child, and then –
“Lexi,” Rue says urgently, sitting up, leg bouncing and nails once again indented in the skin of her thighs. “Fuck, Lexi.”
“Hey,” Lexi whispers, reaching a hand up to hold Rue’s face. “Hey, it’s okay, settle down. Snuggle down.”
Rue listens with a soft whimper. “Lex…”
“What is it, bub?”
Rue buries her face in Lexi’s neck. “We can’t do this.”
She sounds so sad, so deflated. “Can’t do what?”
“You gotta leave now, Lexi.”
“I’m not leaving, Rue.”
“No.” Rue hoists herself up slightly, looking anywhere but Lexi’s face. “No, listen to me. You have no idea how fucked up I am, okay? Leave now, Lex, please – please, you deserve so much better than this – than me!”
Lexi looks like she’s about to interrupt, but Rue shakes her head. “Lex, I’m serious. You deserve someone better. You deserve someone who believes you when you say you love them. Someone who can promise not to be broken at every tiny thing. It’s not fair, Lex, you need someone… someone who’s perfect, someone who’s just as perfect as you. I love you, Lexi, I love you so much, but this isn’t fair.”
“Rue, I don’t care-”
“Lexi.” Rue gives her a sad smile. “I’m – very clearly – 100% into this. Probably too much. But if you want me – if you want this –” she holds their entwined hands slightly tighter. “If you want this, you gotta be prepared. Prepared that I’m not gonna believe you care straight away. Prepared that I need almost constant affirmation that you do. Prepared that tiny things can send me spiralling and that I’ll love you way too much – way too much. You have to know that I’m fucking broken, Lex, and I won’t blame you in the slightest if you pull out now. I’m actually encouraging it. Not for me – god, not for me! – but in terms of you, I’m giving you an out. Because I can deal with it if you end this because you suddenly lose interest in me, or because I’m not right for you or we decide we’re better as we are now – but Lexi, if I show you how broken I am and you leave me because of that… I don’t know how to cope.
“So I’m giving this to you. Leave. Please, please leave. This is your out. If you stay now – well, you’re not stuck, because if I say that I’ll immediately overthink that I’m pressuring you into this and you’re definitely not required to do anything at all! But I’m saying… leave, Lex. I’m not worth this. You deserve better. But if you wanna do this… I love you. I’m not gonna stop loving you. So it’s up to you.
Your choice.”