“You have to tell her. Especially now, in the condition you’re in”
Siyeon knows her friend is right.
She has kept that secret for years.
And now she’s at a dead end.
“I know Yoo, it’s just… not that simple”
“It is. You’re just trying to avoid the unavoidable. You’ve been doing that for years. Don’t you think it’s time you stop running away?”
“Yeah...”
“I mean, aren’t you tired of hiding your feelings? I understand, you’re scared, but-”
“I’m not scared. I’m terrified. I don’t know if I want to risk our friendship for the unknown”
“Sometimes you need to take risks to obtain something even greater than what you already have. Also, you don’t really have a choice”
“Look at you pretending to be wise”
“What do you mean pretending? I am wise”
“Yeah yeah”
Yoohyeon punches her friend on the shoulder, but all she gets in return is a mocking laugh.
“Seriously, all jokes aside, tell her how you feel Siyeon”
“I will. I promise. I just need some time to plan something”
“You’re such a libra”
“What? Why?”
“You don’t necessarily need to do something big and super romantic, you know?”
“But I want to” the younger girl rolls her eyes at Siyeon’s extraness “And you’ll help me”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, you’re the one instisting. The least you could do is help me”
“Ugh, okay then. What do you have in mind?”
“So...”
The first time it happens Siyeon is grocery shopping.
She’s in the middle of a mental debate whether to buy coco pops or reese’s puffs when she coughs.
Bloody flu.
Why can’t I enjoy my favourite season in peace?
What she doesn’t know yet is the flu has nothing to do with the coughing.
She’s about to put the cereal box in the cart when she notices the blood on her hand.
The metallic flavor fills her mouth, the taste buds alert her mind that something’s wrong.
On instinct the girl brings her fingers to her lips.
Her eyes widen when she sees the red hue covering her palm.
Siyeon doesn’t even have the time to process the event and wonder what the hell’s happening because another coughing fit hits her.
Harder than the last one.
So hard it brings the girl to her knees, struggling to breathe.
Her teary eyes and her blurry vision don’t prevent her from seeing the carpet of lilies in front of her.
The originally pink flowers are now scarlet red.
What the fuck is this?
This can’t be real.
Calm down Siyeon, this is just a nightmare.
You’re going to wake up soon, safe and sound in your bed.
The lily that comes out of her mouth and the almost unbearable pain it evokes in her throat is very real and tells her she’s not dreaming.
This is not possible, in any way.
It only happens in books.
It’s fiction.
It can’t be happening to me.
When an old lady approaches her to make sure she’s alright, Siyeon storms out of the market.
She runs straight to her house and when her mother asks her about the missing groceries, she makes up a poor excuse and takes shelter in her own room.
The girl curls up in a ball at the corner farthest from her desk, where the computer is.
Even though she doesn’t really need to do any research to know what’s happening.
Siyeon knows the name, the causes and the consequences of the disease.
She has read too many books about it, but until now she had only seen it as a fanfiction trope, nothing more.
But the blood, the pain she felt and the flowers she puked were all very authentic and tangible.
She still has troubles swallowing.
She hopes in the position she’s in the panic she feels in her heart won’t spread out over her whole body.
But it’s all useless.
Soon enough she feels it take over her: goosebumps appear on her arms and tears stain her cheeks.
She doesn’t know whether it’s the shivers or the sobbing that's making her shake so much.
That night Siyeon falls asleep on the ground, hoping to wake up the next day and find out it was all a sick way of her mind to tell her she needs to eat her vegetables.
And she almost believes it, because for a week she doesn’t see blood nor flowers coming out of her mouth.
But that relief doesn’t last long.
The second time it happens she’s having dinner in a restaurant with her friends.
Luckily she feels it coming beforehand, so she has the time to grab a tissue and cough into it.
Luckily the object of her desire, the one that caused all of this in the first place is sitting beside her, too busy rambling to Bora about the new drama they’re watching together to notice her.
Unluckily Yoohyeon, who’s sitting right in front of her, sees everything.
Siyeon excuses herself and heads for the bathroom with the taller girl following close behind.
“What the hell was that?”
The older of the two doesn’t even need to explain for the other to understand what’s going on.
After all Yoohyeon and her have always shared the same interests.
“You have the Hanahaki disease and you didn’t think about telling me?”
Siyeon sighs.
“I was hoping it was just my mind playing tricks on me”
“You know the implications of this, right?”
“Yeah, I know”
“You know you’re going to die a painful death if you don’t tell her how you feel, right?”
“I’m going to die anyway. Even if I confess , it’s still unrequited love. She doesn’t love me in that way”
“You don’t know that for sure. You have to tell her. Especially now, in the condition you’re in”
Siyeon sighs again, perfectly aware she doesn’t really have a choice.
The two stay in that bathroom trying to come up with a grand plan for half an hour before Bora comes to get them.
Two weeks go by after that conversation.
The coughing fits only get worse and more frequent with each passing day.
It gets harder and harder to hide the disease from her friends.
So she tries to avoid them as often as she can.
But Minji, the angel that she is, notices Siyeon is acting weird and she confronts her about it.
“Singnie, I know there’s something wrong. You can talk to me”
“Uh? What do you mean? I’m perfectly fine”
Siyeon knows the moment those words leave her mouth that she’s done for.
Not because she doesn’t sound convincing, but because Minji had always been able to see right through her.
“You don’t eat with us anymore, you’re always busy whenever we want to hang out. You’re basically avoiding us. Did you fight with someone?”
The younger girl is about to give her best friend an excuse that the other one probably won’t believe, when she feels the familiar lump in her throat.
Not now, for fuck’s sake.
The burning feeling becomes stronger by the second.
She needs to do something and she needs to do it quick.
“Fine. There’s something troubling me. I’ll tell you about it when I’m ready”
And with that she leaves Minji alone in the hallway, with questions in her mind and concern on her face.
Siyeon barely makes it outside before throwing up dozens of pink lilies.
It’s ironic how much something so delicate can hurt.
This is her worst attack yet.
Ten minutes have passed and she’s still coughing out flowers.
Her mouth filled with the mixed taste of tears, blood and pollen.
She has no break between one cough and the following one.
Siyeon finds herself with her knees on the ground, her hands tightly grasping the grass that was once green, but now it’s covered in red.
She’s gasping for air.
And she can feel it.
She knows that her end is near.
If she survives this fit, she’s sure the next one will kill her.
She’s about to faint when two arms wrap around her weak dying figure, holding her tight as if trying to bring her back.
“SIYEON. SIYEON. Stay with me. Please, please, please. Don’t leave me”
The voice feels distant and muffled.
Siyeon wants to fight and reach the person who’s so desperately calling out to her, but she has no strength left.
Teardrops are wetting her cheeks, but those aren’t hers.
She’s sure she already let out every single tear out of her body.
A strong slap on her cheek makes her come back.
In front of her there’s a sobbing Yoohyeon.
The nails pressing hard on her arms would normally hurt, but right now they’re the only thing that keeps her anchored in the land of the living.
“Screw the big plan, just tell her. I don’t want to lose you”
The roles are reversed: now Siyeon is the one hugging the taller girl, comforting her as best as she can.
“Hey hey, you won’t lose me. Don’t worry, you won’t lose me”
The older girl says it like she’s trying to convince herself more than Yoohyeon.
She’s not sure whether confessing will really lead her to salvation or if it’ll be just a way to lose her best friend before eventually dying.
But she has to at least try.
Later that night Siyeon finds herself walking towards a cat-café just two blocks away from Minji’s house.
They agreed to meet there at 8 pm and she’s already ten minutes late.
The girl was looking for every possible and imaginable excuse to ditch until the very last minute.
But then she decided to just go for it and hope for the best, that means her life.
She has a lump in her throat, unless this time it’s caused by her heart instead of her best friend’s favourite flower stuck on her windpipe.
She’s afraid.
No, she’s not afraid, she’s terrified.
You’d think being rejected is what scares her the most.
Actually she’s just wishing the disease will let her explain what she feels, so she can get it over with and go home to suffer alone.
She just doesn’t want to die in front of Minji.
That’s the worst scenario in her mind.
Way worse than rejection.
I can't let her see me like that.
She doesn't deserve it.
Minji’s bright smile is the first thing Siyeon sees as soon as she opens the door of the cozy place.
And what makes her knees go weak among all the other things it’s the fact that she herself caused that beautiful curve to appear on the girl’s face.
“Sorry for making you wait”
“It’s okay, don't worry. I've ordered your favourite. Hope you don’t want to try something new today of all days”
What did I do to deserve you, Kim Minji?
“Earth to Siyeon. Are you still with me?”
The hand waving right in front of her eyes wakes her up from the trip inside her mind.
“Yeah, sorry. The usual will do”
“Is it about the thing you’re worried about?”
How I was able to hide my feelings for you for all this time when you’re so attentive and perceptive is still a mystery to me.
Siyeon nods.
“No pressure. I’m not leaving or anything and it’s not like you’re dying tomorrow, so” Minji giggles and she lets out an awkward laugh.
Yeah, it’s not like I’m going to choke on your beloved lilies in a few hours.
Totally not like that.
“When you’ll feel like telling me, I’ll be here to listen”
Siyeon tries to confess throughout the whole dinner, but the words are stuck in her throat.
Probably some leftover flower prevents them from leaving her mouth.
She tries and tries and soon enough they’re in front of the older girl’s house.
Siyeon is well aware that’s the last time she sees her best friend and she doesn’t want to leave her.
Not like this.
Not without letting her know her true feelings.
So she tells her.
Not so much as an attempt to save her own life, but rather because she knows she’ll regret not telling her personally when she’s dead.
That is if regret even exists in heaven.
If heaven exists and if I'll end up in it.
Yoohyeon suggested mentioning the disease and the fact that she’ll die if Minji doesn’t love her back.
But Siyeon decides to omit that part.
First of all, she doesn’t want to be loved out of pity.
Second, she knows Minji and she knows that her best friend would do everything for her, including faking her feelings in order to save her life.
Last but not least, if Minji’s love isn’t authentic she’ll still die, so it would be useless.
“I’m not great with words. That has always been your thing. So I’ll just get straight to the point. I’m in love with you. Madly, deeply and all that cheesy stuff you usually say when you confess”
Siyeon lets out an awkward laugh to lighten up the mood, but it sounds too forced and too desperate.
She’s looking down because she wants to avoid seeing the disgust in Minji’s face at any cost, but the position makes it easier for the tears to start flowing down her cheeks.
Seconds later she feels the other girl’s hands caressing those very cheeks and wiping away those very tears.
“Why are you crying? I haven’t said anything yet”
“You don’t need to. I already know”
“You know nothing, Lee Siyeon. Now, since you went out of your comfort zone to use words to tell me how you feel about me, let me use actions to show you how I feel about you”
And what happens next is absolutely not how Siyeon expected the night to end.
She expected to go back home, heartbroken and in pain, straight to her deathbed, ready to leave this world for good.
She certainly did not expect to feel Minji’s lips on hers.
She certainly did not expect to hear the words I’m in love with you too come out of her mouth.
She certainly did not expect to give her best friend a second and a third and a tenth kiss.
She certainly did not expect to willingly push said best friend away in order to be able to breathe again.
Even though she doesn't really mind suffocating with kisses.
Way better than flowers.
Siyeon’s still crying, but this time Minji lets her, because she knows they’re happy tears.
“So you...”
“Yeah, I”
The older girl’s loud and joyful laugh makes Siyeon forget all the pain she had to endure in the last three weeks.
If she knew all it would’ve taken for them to end up together was a stupid disease, she would’ve gotten sick earlier.
“So… see you tomorrow”
“Yeah, tomorrow”
The word assumes a completely different taste in Siyeon’s mouth.
Siyeon wakes up with a smile on her face and, absurd as it sounds, her best friend's taste on her lips.
She checks her phone to make sure she didn't dream last night's event.
But Minji's last text tells her it was real, the confession, the kiss, her longtime crush loving her back.
And to top it all off, she's safe.
The unrequited love is not unrequited anymore, so she's not going to die.
The girl takes a glance at the clock: 9 AM.
She's a bit late for her date with Minji, but she's in no hurry.
She has all the time of the world now.
Siyeon hears the doorbell ring.
Same old Minji.
The day she'll be late it will be the end of humankind.
She's about to go downstairs to open the door and welcome her with a kiss that will probably turn into a make out session, when she feels the all too familiar lump in her throat.
No, please, it can't be.
The girl coughs onto her fist.
She's afraid to look at her own hand, but she does it anyway.
Nothing, no blood, no flowers.
Bloody flu.
The relief Siyeon feels is quickly washed away by another coughing fit.
This time she doesn't need to look to know what's going on.
She can taste it.
The metal, the pollen.
They're back.
But she doesn't understand why.
This makes no sense.
She loves me back.
What the hell?
Why are you doing this to me?
Siyeon goes back into her room.
Her heart threatens to beat out of her chest, her mind is running like crazy.
Everything she didn't want to happen is happening.
She tries to lock the door to prevent Minji from seeing her like this, but her legs give in and she ends up on the floor.
Siyeon can feel the air being sucked away from her breath after breath.
She doesn't need an x-ray to know the flowers are taking over her lungs, forming a garden inside her body.
She hopes it's as beautiful as the one who caused it to bloom in the first place.
"Siyeon? Are you still asleep?"
The girl hears her best friend slowly approaching.
She's climbing up the stairs.
She's too close and Siyeon can't do anything to keep Minji from witnessing her death.
Please no.
Go away.
You can't...
"SIYEON"
Siyeon knows Minji's right there, in her bedroom, rushing to take her into her arms, she can make out her angelic face even with her blurry vision.
But her voice sounds so so distant, like she's galaxies away.
Or maybe Siyeon is actually the one who's drifting away.
"Siyeon, hey baby. Stay with me. SIYEON. DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME, IDIOT. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE"
Minji screams and shouts but it all sounds like a whisper to her.
Siyeon coughs again, right on her best friend's dress.
White becomes scarlet red.
She can't feel her body anymore.
She feels exhausted.
"You don't really love me, do you?"
Siyeon uses the last ounce of strength she has to softly smile at her best friend, who's falling apart in front of her eyes, holding her like her life depends on it.
As if holding her so tight could prevent Siyeon from leaving.
"I did it for you. I knew something was up, so I followed you and I saw you during one of those fits, so I searched it up and I... I didn't want you to die. I had to do everything in my power to save you. I didn't even know I was your unrequited love, but when you confessed I didn't think about it twice before saying I love you back. I wanted to save you. I thought it could work. It should've worked"
Minji's sobbing and shaking.
She expresses the pain she's in with her whole body.
Tears fall upon Siyeon's face, mixing up with the blood flowing down her nose and mouth.
What hurts the most isn't the fact that she literally feels the flowers blooming into her lungs.
One flower equals one less breath.
And she's about to run out of those.
The most painful thing for Siyeon is seeing her best friend so desperate, so sad, so miserable.
And she hates to be the reason behind the weeping.
The only thing she had ever wanted was to make Minji happy, even just as a best friend.
It would've been enough for her.
She would've lived with seeing her love love someone else, someone other than her.
She would've done everything to be by Minji's side until the end.
"I really do love you Siyeon. Please. You can't leave me. You can't"
Those are the last words Siyeon hears.
Minji's lips the last thing she tastes.
The girl keeps kissing her best friend's lifeless body waiting for a miracle, hoping it's enough to bring Siyeon back to her.
But it isn't.
The only thing she could have done to save her she wasn't able to do.