everything i do (i do it for you)
“I want to clarify that I didn’t fall in love with you when we first met. You were an annoying piece of shit back then and I still stand by that statement today.”
This breaks Tooru out of his stupefying trance as he realizes that the tape is still playing. His heart is beating fast now, and it seems his hearing is extra sensitive, as he can tell how shallow his breathing is.
He is sat in an uncomfortable position- with his knees tucked into his chest, shoulders hunched forward, chin resting on his kneecaps, and his hair slightly stuck between the joints of his locker door. He does his best to remain small, despite his six-foot tall frame preventing him from doing so. The headphones of his walkman dig tight into his ears, and there’s a stinging pain in the center of his palms.
Tooru discovers, rather absentmindedly, that he’d been pressing his nails into his skin, and unclenches his fist, leaving behind red, crescent-shaped indents. He lets out a shaky breath.
He stops the recording, taking a moment to gather his thoughts (and perhaps string along something somewhat coherent). Blood roars in his ears and his heart sings Cupid’s songs. A lovestruck smile grows on his face until Tooru’s got all his teeth on display, grinning like a madman despite no one being around to see him.
How could he not? Tobio Kageyama likes him, Tooru Oikawa. Hell, Tobio just admitted to being in love-love for god sake- with him for the past seven years.
Before he can jump with joy, however, the needle of reality pricks his bubble of bliss as an important question forms in his head.
Why now? Tooru thinks as the corners of his lips turn downwards in consideration. Why today of all days? Why not say something earlier? Then Tooru starts to frown. Why say anything at all, if you were afraid of rejection?
Tobio wasn’t the type of person to keep secrets, especially something like this. If he didn’t verbally say it, his body language would. Tooru tries to remember, to think of any distinct tell-tale sign that indicates Tobio’s long-time affection for him.
He’s disappointed to say that his search comes up with zero results, an anchor of something sinking in his stomach.
He clicks PLAY once more.
“However, despite how bratty I found you back then, you were extremely admirable too. You had this magnetic presence around you, that no matter how hard someone wanted to stay away, you would always bring them back in.
There’s a brief pause. A faint, “I’ll be back soon, Tobio!”, and then a light slam of the door.
Tobio continues.
“That’s why I’m including this song, this moment, because though I didn’t fall in love with you at first sight, I believe it was when I first met you that this was even able to happen. I’ll play the song first, then explain what it means later, okay?”
A shaky breath, and then the music starts to play.
From the first measure of the electric keyboard to the attractive, raspy voice of Bryan Adams, Tooru immediately recognizes the song.
(Everything I Do) I Do it For You.
God, you had to be living underneath a rock to not know this song, Tooru thinks absentmindedly, listening to the music on full blast.
It’s a classic. A blast to the past, back to his childhood days, where his parents would slow dance sometimes late at night, whispering to each other softly in order to not wake up their kids, entirely clueless of the fact that Tooru was already awake, and spying on them from behind the stair. Their vinyl player was still in use back then, so the lyrics of the song would echo throughout the walls of the Oikawa kitchen, seeping through the vents in Tooru’s room that sat just above said room.
The orchestral music picks up and Tooru closes his eyes, immersing himself in the old song and the even older memories that came with it
Unlike what he’d seen on TV while growing up, his parents were never as affectionate towards each other as his white friends’ parents, or even the white people on his television screen. They were reserved, quiet with their love, a simmering flame more so than a burning bonfire. For the longest time ever, Tooru was convinced his parents didn’t truly love each other, that they stayed together for the sake of him and his sister.
“~Don’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for. You can’t tell me it’s not worth dying’ for~”
It was during nights like those that Tooru was reminded that they did love each other, and that love came in more than one form.
“~Look into your heart, you will find. There's nothin' there to hide~”
Love can be quiet, like the midnight sky, crickets chirping as love songs croon through the windows. Love can be loud, like the sound of the crowd roaring after winning the final game of the season, teammates clapping their hands against your back as you stare at that one person in the crowd, trying to see whether they’re watching you.
“~There's no love, like your love, and no other could give more love~”
Tooru finds himself swimming in an ocean of nostalgia, waves of wistfulness and yearning pulling him deep into the dark waters, ripples of regret lapping up at his ankles.
Tobio’s love, however, is an enigma to him. He’s quiet and barely noticeable, no prominent clues to suggest anything like it, yet here Tooru is, listening to a tape of love songs and confessions in possibly one of the boldest manners to date.
Tobio is both loud and quiet; it irks and entices Tooru all the same.
“~You know it's true, everything I do~”
He hates it.
“~I do it for you~”
He loves it.
“Fuck,” Tooru whispers to himself. A guitar riff plays in the background. “I’m so screwed.”
“~I’m going all the way, all the way, yeah~”
The song ends, leaving Tooru in a catastrophic mind melt as he tries to comprehend what he just listened to.
It’s not all about the lyrics, Tobio had written in the note, Some of the songs are just about the sound or a specific memory.
Well, fuck, Tooru can’t help but gnaw at his lip in frustration, What the fuck do I focus on for this one? The sound? The lyrics? Is there even a memory about this-
“I can tell you’re overthinking right now, so I’m telling you to stop.”
Tooru jumps at the sudden voice, before realizing that the tape is still playing.
Tobio continues to speak, obviously unaware of the scare he had just put Tooru through.
“As I said before, I would explain the meaning of this song.”
Tooru braces himself for the slaughter of lovesick encounters and fond memories.
“This was the first song I ever listened to when I came to America.”
...What?
Tooru reels back in shock, and shoots up to his feet, staring at the floor indignantly, as though it would give him some answer.
It's selfish, yes, but Tooru can’t help but pout when he thinks, That has nothing to do with me!
“I heard it the day I first met you.”
Ah, there it is, Tooru sighs in slight relief, The “me” part.
Hm. Maybe he is as self-engrossed as Hajime had always said.
“It had been on July 4th. I had moved just two weeks before then and our street was holding an Independence Day barbeque. Mrs. Lee, who lives at the end of the cul de sac, had hosted it that year, and was kind enough to invite my family.”
There’s a pause, and Tooru knows that whatever Tobio is about to say is going to be tough.
“I wasn’t a particularly sociable child.” Tooru winces, knowing all too well of this fact. “I was awkward, shy, and completely out of place in this country where people speak a language that goes way too fast to comprehend. So when we first came to the party, I didn’t know what to do or how to talk to the other kids.
Until I met you, that is.
I had been hiding behind my mother’s leg when you ran over, introducing yourself in perfect Japanese to my parents and then saying hello to me as well. To say I was shocked would be an understatement since I didn’t know anyone else who could speak Japanese fluently outside of my family. You were kind back then, and somewhat fun to be around.”
A rustle, and then some shifting around. “That is until you tried making me be the bride when we were playing house.”
Tooru lets out a bark of laughter. Finally, he remembers what Tobio is talking about.
Back then, the whole stigma of “boys having cooties” had driven girls to stay far, far away from the boys, so when the idea of playing house came, none of the boys wanted to be the wife.
At that moment, Tooru had voted for Tobio. Despite the language barrier, Tobio had comprehended enough of the conversation to vehemently shake his head, pouting as he said the only English word he knew: No.
“Why should I be the girl, Oikawa-san?” Tobio had hissed in Japanese when Tooru pulled him away.
“It’s because you’re the youngest!”
“No fair!”
Tooru had just been about to pick Tobio’s tiny frame and throw him into a dress when, fortunately for Tobio, all the moms had called them in, saying that it was time for food.
Now Tooru would say he would still like to see Tobio in a wedding dress, just perhaps in different circumstances.
“Anyways, it was during the evening when I had heard it. There were plenty of them played throughout the day, but I think this was the only one I had truly listened to. Underneath the pergola and fairy lights, the radio Mr. Iwaizumi had brought over, played this song as all the parents danced slowly underneath it. I remember that moment so clearly, with all the kids looking at the sky for fireworks, while all the adults danced among themselves. It was such a nice sight to see, for little eight year-old me. I-I’m still not sure why it stuck with me for so long, but I have to believe there’s some sort of significance of it. After all, you had been so nice to me that day, acting as my translator so that I could play with the other kids.”
A sigh.
“So there it began, perhaps not my love for you, but my attraction, my respect, and my admiration, all of which were the foundation for it.
All because you were so kind to me.”
A slightly bitter chuckle. Tooru’s heart sinks.
“Kinda ironic isn’t it?”
A slap on the face would’ve stung less than that.
But Tooru understands, because it was only two years later that Tobio joined the Ferriswood Volleyball Club Association, the same one Tooru had been a part of ever since he could remember, only to threaten his position as starting setter.
It was ironic, considering how things had soured between them so soon after that meeting.
“This is the end of tape one.”
....Wait, what?!
“To listen to the rest of the tapes and complete this confession, ask for them from Shouyou Hinata, address number: 10 Sunhill Court.
Hope you listen to them Tooru. Love, Tobio.”
Tooru scrambles to get his hands on his walkman, and sure enough, the reel has stopped playing. The lid of his walkman pops up and the cassette tape slides out.
He’s about to run out of the school and barge right into Shouyou Hinata’s house when the janitor catches him.
“Hey, kid! School’s over! Get outta here! Scram!”
“Sorry!” Tooru calls over from behind his shoulder.
A loud sigh. “Tooru!”
He stops and turns back, confused that the janitor even knows his name.
“You forgot your backpack!”
Ah, Tooru looks back at his locker, his backpack leaning right against it, I did.
Walking back as quickly as he can, he offers the kind-hearted janitor he knew for the past four years a sheepish smile, before awkwardly scampering off the school grounds towards one certain orange shrimp.
ー
That July fourth truly had been a memorable one in Tooru’s mind.
A new family had moved onto the street just two weeks back, right next to Tooru’s house. There were rumors that the family had a child around his age, and so Tooru was more than excited to meet the kid at the barbeque.
“Now, now Tooru. You have to be a bit patient with him, ok?” His mother fussed with the little button up that had then nearly choked him out. She ran a hand through his neatly styled hair. “He might not know English since he just moved from Japan, so try to help him talk with the other kids at the party as well, hm?”
Tooru nodded dutifully. He didn’t mind having to play the role of translator, it just served him more time to spend with the “new kid”.
“Okay, Mama.”
Tooru’s mother sighed, standing up tall now as she adjusted the string of pearls that sat at the base of her throat. “I knew I could count on you, Tooru. You always are my good boy, right?”
Tooru merely nodded. At the moment, his only thought was how his mother probably wouldn’t think of him as such a “good boy” if she got to learn of the broken china plate he and Hajime broke when they were practicing passes in the dining room.
Needless to say, the coverup they did after never once made his mother question why there were seven plates instead of eight.
Tooru’s mother hummed as she busied herself getting ready. Tooru wasn’t the only Oikawa excited to meet the new neighbors, and his mother was definite proof of that.
He had asked her once, why she was so eager to meet them. His mother laughed at him, explaining that she was excited that there was, “Finally, another Japanese family on this damn lane!”
“But Iwa-chan is Japanese too!” Tooru had pouted.
“It’s not the same Tooru. While Hajime’s father is Japanese, his mother is Indian. Now though I do love talking with Ruhi, it would be nice to have another Japanese woman to talk to and share experiences.”
Since then, Tooru had been exceedingly hyped up to meet the Kageyamas. He had lots of questions prepared to ask the boy, just so he didn’t get bored.
“Do you like aliens?”
“What do you think of E.T.?”
“You lived in Japan, right? Have you had milk bread? It tastes so good right-”
All the thoughts had come to a halt when he finally saw the highly anticipated family enter the backyard of the Lee’s.
He had just been about to take a bite out of one of the paneer pakodas Ruhi Aunty had brought over when the Kageyamas entered the party.
There was a tall man with square-shaped glasses, a baby blue polo shirt tucked into beige khaki shorts. A woman with long, ebony hair and deep blue eyes stood next to him, dressed up in a yellow sundress that complimented her lightly tanned. There stood another girl, this one around Tooru’s sister’s age, with equally long hair and forehead bangs, blue eyes rolling in annoyance at whatever her father said as she chewed on her gum. Loudly.
Finally, the one Tooru had been waiting for.
A small boy (perhaps a bit younger than Tooru himself) stood behind the mom, tugging the flowy material of the sundress as his mouth formed indecipherable vowels.
Tooru couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but from the slight shake of the woman’s head to the frowny pout that appeared on the boy’s face, it was evident that he wasn’t happy to be here.
Well, Tooru had thought, That’s gotta change!
Without a doubt in his mind, he walked straight up to the Kageyama family, charming the mother with his impeccable behavior and impressing the father with his fluency in Japanese. Tooru got the vibe that the older sister wasn’t too amazed by him, but she had still greeted him nicely enough, so he considered that as a win. The younger brother (Tobio, he would soon learn) had the opposite reaction. The boy looked at Tooru as though he had hung the stars in the sky or had discovered that aliens lived on Mars (a theory which Tooru would hold onto even in his senior year of high school).
It was slightly unnerving, at first, to stay composed as cerulean blues eyes burned holes into him, staring into his soul. But Tooru found it rather gratifying as well, eager to stay good in the younger’s eyes.
Despite the obvious looks of admiration, it only seemed as though the boy shrunk further behind his mother’s dress as Tooru continued to talk.
It was then, Tooru knew, that he’d have to be the one to take the first step.
“Hello! My name’s Tooru Oikawa, what’s yours?”
The boy seemed shocked that Tooru thought to address him, as though he was invisible to Tooru’s line of sight.
“Y-you speak, um, sp-speak Japanese?” The boy tried talking back in broken English.
Tooru wondered if the boy in front of him was even paying attention when he had spoken to Mr. Kageyama in fluent Japanese.
Was this boy dense?
Nonetheless, Tooru bit his tongue and spoke once more.
“Yes, I can speak Japanese fluently. My mom and dad had taught me. You can speak to me in Japanese too, um....”
Tooru trailed off, realizing that he still didn’t know the boy’s name. Luckily for him, he didn’t need to ask again as the boy stepped forward, piecing together the words unsaid as he spoke once more, this time much more confidently.
“Ka- Tobio Kageyama, pleasure to meet you!”
And the boy- no Tobio- did a full ninety-degree bow, nearly colliding with Tooru in the process.
Tooru laughed brightly at the formal response, a genuine easy grin sliding onto his face.
“Well, nice to meet you, Tobio-chan!”
ー
Since Tooru had stayed behind late at school, he had missed the final buses for the day.
So, much to his frustration, he had to get to the Chibi’s house by foot.
Perhaps it was luck that made Shouyou’s house rather close to the school (a mere one-and-a-half miles away), for Tooru is immensely grateful for the two-mile warm-ups they would do at practice.
Otherwise, he isn’t sure if he would’ve been able to run the distance it took to reach the Hinata household.
Thank you, Coach Takeda, for the grueling stamina sessions, Tooru can’t help but think, panting hard as sweat soaks the back of his shirt, his once artfully styled hair now more reminiscent to a wild bird’s nest. He pants hard as he stomps on over to Shouyou’s house, wiping his hands against the rough denim of his jeans.
He rings the doorbell, a little wind chime jingle playing through the speakers.
There’s a series of footsteps, followed by a loud, “Coming!”, before a short, buff boy with wild orange hair and a double helix piercing on his left ear opens the door.
Tooru waves, a fake smile plastered onto his face. “Hello, Chibi-chan! How are yo-”
“GRAND KING!”
Slam!
Tooru is now face-to-face with the front door. He sighs exasperatedly, ringing the doorbell once more.
This time, the door creaks open carefully, amber eyes staring intently from the small crack of an opening before slowly revealing an extremely resigned Shouyou.
Shouyou sighs. “Well, how can I help you, Tooru?”
He chuckles dryly. “Maybe next time, you don’t slam the door on my face, huh?”
There’s a shade of red on Shouyou’s cheeks that clashes horribly with his hair as he laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, it’s not like I expected you to suddenly show up at my house. By that way, how did you even know where I lived-?”
“Oh really,” Tooru holds up the cassette tape in one hand, shoving it towards Shouyou’s face. “You really didn’t expect me to come here, Shouyou?”
Shouyou's eyes light up with recognition.
“Holy shit,” Shouyou whispers in disbelief. “I can’t believe he finally fucking did it.”
He turns around, already going back into the house, when he notices that Tooru isn’t following him.
“Well?” Shouyou stares at him intensely, and Tooru is suddenly reminded of just how frighteningly intimidating the shrimp is, his court alter ego not solely present within the four boundary lines of the court. “Are you gonna come in?”
ー
“You know, Chibi, despite being so gwah! and bam! all the friggin time, your room’s quite clean.”
Shouyou barely looks back at Tooru, giving a small laugh. “Well, when you’re living with only your mom and younger sister, you tend to learn to keep yourself organized, especially when Natsu is the messy sibling.”
Tooru is currently in Shouyou’s room, sitting as close to the edge of Shouyou’s bed as possible, so as not to crease bed sheets, as the shorter rummages through the numerous organized boxes in his closet, looking for the other cassette tapes.
The room itself is average-sized, with pale brown walls, framed posters of famed volleyball players and grunge rock bands hanging neatly on them. In the corner of the room, there’s a basket of sports equipment (from volleyballs to footballs to even a baseball bat).
But perhaps what catches Tooru’s attention the most is the series of framed photos on the bedside table.
From left to right, there is first a photo of tiny (well, even tinier) Shouyou as he looks excitedly into a bundle of blankets, a small tuft of orange hair peeking out of it.
The second photo is of Ms. Hinata and presumably what would be Shouyou’s younger sister, sitting on her mother’s lap as they laugh at the camera, most likely at the person taking the photo.
The third photo makes Tooru’s heart catch in his throat. Five people are in the frame, Shouyou right in the center. There is a large cake with the “16” candle lit on it. A petite blond stands to the right of him, wearing a plaid pea-green dress with a matching headband. Next to her, there’s a boy with freckles all over his face and juniper colored hair tied up into a small ponytail, a dangling earring on one ear as he smiles brightly into the camera. On Shouyou’s left is another blond, this one tall and gangly, his glasses glinting slightly from the camera flash. Though it looks as though he wanted to be anywhere but there, there’s a small smile caught on camera that makes Tooru think otherwise.
Finally, there’s Tobio, trying his best effort to smile into the camera without looking like a deranged villain as he stands behind Shouyou. Blue eyes crinkling in happiness as he puts small bunny ears on top of Shouyou’s head. There’s a black lace choker around his neck, and it reminds Tooru of Tobio’s “goth days” back when he was a freshman.
It makes Tooru realize just how close Tobio and Shouyou were. There’s an uneasy feeling in his chest, the thought of Tobio hanging out with Shouyou after school, practicing volleyball with Shouyou in the backyard, talking to one another in this very room where- for all Tooru knows- Tobio could have told Shouyou all of his darkest secrets and deepest feelings, all things Tooru knows nothing about.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but Tooru knows that despite knowing Tobio for longer, it’s Shouyou who knows him better.
Tooru struggles to pull his eyes away from the photos, only doing so when he believes Shouyou is looking at him.
A light thud breaks Tooru’s train of thoughts, then a muffled, “Found them!”
Shouyou exits the closet with two cassette tapes in hand, the smudged labels “TCBU Tape 2” and “TCBU Tape 3” written on them.
“Is that all?” Tooru asks doubtfully. “I thought there would be more?”
“Oh, there is!” Shouyou confirms, handing over the tapes. “But I think that they’re with some other people. I’m not too sure about who but-”
“What!” He splutters. “Why would he do that? Wouldn’t it just be easier if he just gave me all the tapes in one go?”
Shouyou shrugs. “Honestly, I don’t know what goes on in Bakayama’s head most of the time,” Bullshit, Tooru wants to say, but he refrains. “But from what I remember when I asked him, he said something about, ‘wanting to make you run a bit’? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t get it either.”
He takes a deep breath in, trying to calm himself down before he explodes not only on himself but also an increasingly worried, yet extremely amused Chibi. “Well, that’s that, I guess.” Tooru shoots a saccharine smile Shouyou’s way.
Tooru’s about to bid his goodbyes, when Shouyou offers to drive him home. Considering that he lives a couple of miles away and does not want to walk in the sweltering heat once more, Tooru accepts.
The car ride is comfortably silent, the only sounds being the revving of the engine of Shouyou’s salmon pink Subaru SVX and the occasional spew of directions Tooru would blurt out.
The minute Tooru reaches home, he’s tempted to jump out and run to his room and listen to the next tape. Shouyou, however, honks his car the minute he’s out, gaining Tooru’s attention.
He looks nervous, slightly, as he fiddles with his thumbs against the leather steering wheel. His eyes are avoiding Tooru’s.
“Look, uh, Tooru. It’s not really any of my business, seeing as how this is between you and Tobio, but I just got one request to ask you.”
Tooru nods, signaling Shouyou to continue.
Amber eyes snap up and look hard into chocolate ones. “Don’t hurt him. I don’t care for your rivalry with him, I have one too. I don’t care if you don’t reciprocate his feelings back. I don’t even care if you don’t know how you feel and need time to process things. No matter what, don’t hurt him.”
The menacing aura makes a 180-degree flip and Shouyou is now the smiley ray of sunshine the student body knew of. “That’s all, really! See ya, Tooru!”
The car rumbles loudly, before gunning off into the sunset, leaving behind a trail of smoke and a slightly terrified Tooru in its wake.
Tooru dashes into his house, only one thought prevalent as he announces his arrival home.
NEVER, get on Shouyou Hinata’s bad side.
ー
Now fully showered, Tooru takes “TCBU Tape 2” from his bag, inserting it into his walkman and shoving on the headphones once more.
He wipes his head with his towel, water dripping off the ends of his bangs. The reel rolls, and there is a familiar click, one which sets Tooru’s heart racing in anticipation.
“Hey, so, um, welcome to tape two of The Changes Between Us.”
Tooru patiently awaits Tobio’s next words.
“I wondered whether you would even reach this point, or if you would skip the rest of the tapes altogether.”
“But if you are listening, then I guess it’s good for me that you didn’t.”
“I made you run a bit to get to the next tape, and I’m going to have to make you run a bit more for the others too.”
A slight pause, and then a bit of a shuffle.
“After all, I’ve been running after you all this time, so it wouldn’t harm you to run after me, for once.”
“So keep on listening, Tooru.”
I am. Tooru hunches forward, still leaning against the headboard of his bed.
“Because the story is nowhere near to done.”