Chapter 1
The soft muttering of the car radio was lowered to a whisper by hands that still felt too cold. JJ pulled her sweater sleeves back over them when the sound was low enough that Emily could answer her phone in peace.
Although JJ could see Emily’s mouth moving in her peripheral vision, no words passed through her ears. She stared through the windshield, at the raindrops racing to reach the bottom, at the darkened sky on the horizon illuminated by stars, at everything instead of the large illuminous airport sign that said ‘Departures’. The light from it seemed to dull all of her other senses, and she winced slightly, coughing afterwards in an attempt to mask it.
Nearly as soon as the call started, it ended. Emily sighed, which sounded more like a groan and culminated in her tipping her head back against the passenger seat, eyes closed in exasperation.
“London falling apart without you?” JJ asked, after several seconds of debating whether or not it was wise to speak at all. Her voice still felt scratchy from screaming, and she was hesitant to break the safety of the silence that enveloped the two of them.
JJ could nearly feel the soft smile that took over Emily’s face herself, and the turn of the other woman’s head towards her was enough to draw her eyes away from the windshield.
“If I wasn’t there I think they’d end up in Lisbon instead of Lebanon.”
JJ huffed a laugh at this, not at all surprised when she found she could see her breath in front of her. She vaguely heard Emily mutter something about a new task force, and once again JJ felt her throat swell up at the reminder that the lives they led were now so different, and so very far apart. There was once a time where they, along with the rest of the BAU, lived in each other’s pockets. Over the past few years, between Ian Doyle and the CIA and the Middle East and London and Paris and a million other things determined to keep them apart, JJ had accepted the fact that never again could she return to the times when Emily was a constant in her life. She had learned to treasure these small moments with her, however fleeting.
“-Jayje?”
JJ jumped slightly in her seat, silently cursing herself for becoming too entangled in her own thoughts to pay attention to Emily, now of all times, when they only had mere minutes before she had to leave.
“I’m sorry. I’m just really tired.”
Emily’s eyes softened, and JJ felt her heart skip a beat.
“I was just saying that you didn’t have to drive me to the airport. Thank you.”
JJ shook her head and leaned in closer, trying to ignore the shine of Emily’s dark hair and the curve of her mouth. “I think if you let Morgan drive you you’d have ended up in a ditch.”
Emily snorted, and then chuckled aloud. “He was pretty drunk alright, I think he and Garcia both started crying when I said it was time to leave.”
JJ laughed because Emily laughed, but inside she knew that the only thing stopping her from crying as well was the fact that she was, thankfully, stone cold sober.
Emily grew serious after a second and stared at JJ with a gaze that she found she was unable to profile. Inside Emily’s eyes were multitudes; lives led, and battles won, and JJ wanted to know every detail, however miniscule. She knew that it was the exhaustion that was letting such deeply concealed thoughts seep through to the front of her consciousness, but she quickly found that she didn’t care.
“JJ, you won’t be okay.”
JJ blinked in confusion, eyes hardening and lines appearing between her eyebrows.
“I know you worry about all of us, but- “
Emily cut her off. “That’s not what I’m talking about. You’re going to feel fine for a while after this, safe and thankful that you’re home. You’re going to kiss Will and cuddle with Henry, and it will feel like everything is fine. But one day, you will have a bad day. A day when all you can think about is the coldness of that room and the pain in your arms. And- “
Emily’s eyes, which JJ still hadn’t been able to look away from, filled with tears.
“-And you will need someone to talk to.”
“Who was your person?”, JJ found herself asking, a feeling of immense guilt washing over her. Emily had been hurting, during her brief return to the BAU, and JJ hadn’t even known.
“Hotch. He noticed that I was struggling because he recognised it from himself. God, JJ, I never wanted to have this conversation with you. You’re so- “
Emily stopped herself, and her head hung low. JJ reached out, slowly at first but then with a determination that startled her. She gripped Emily’s hand tight, treasuring the warmth her soft palms provided.
“You’re so good, JJ. And I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“I’m sorry too.”
Emily’s phone buzzed again, but she promptly switched it off.
“JJ, there’s something I want to show you.”
Reluctantly, JJ let go of Emily’s hand, immediately missing the soothing motion of Emily’s thumb moving back and forth over her bruised knuckles. This thought was instantly obliterated, however, by what happened next.
Emily promptly unzipped her jacket, and in a similarly smooth motion, discarded her warm burgundy jumper. It was only when she was down to her black vest underneath that JJ’s mouth caught up with her brain, which was screaming at her.
“Emily! What- “
“Shh.”
JJ didn’t have to be told twice. Her entire being was focused on Emily’s arms, muscled yet soft, the curve of her neck and her collarbones were perfect, oh so perfect, and JJ’s eyes darted over them, determined to commit every freckle and blemish to memory.
It reminded her of 2007, of travelling on the jet to some random town. Emily was new, and gorgeous, and JJ spent far too many flights home staring at her curls. She used to curl her hair, and JJ used to sneak glances, and everything used to be easy.
Oh, she loved Will, and Henry was her entire world. But there would forever be a part of her, a not-so-insignificant part of her, that couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened in one of those crappy motel rooms in a town in the middle of nowhere if JJ had only had enough nerve.
“JJ?”
Emily once again broke her out of her thoughts, and JJ blinked and nodded her head, despite not having followed anything that Emily might have said in the past few minutes.
“Look here.”
Emily had lifted up the bottom of her vest, revealing her abdomen, and JJ’s pulse quickened before the blood in her veins turned ice cold. It was littered in scars, thick and thin and heart-breaking.
“Emily- “
JJ’s voice was soft and wavering, as she reached out to trace one of them. Before she could, however, Emily lifted the vest an inch more, and it was revealed.
It was a tattoo. A small, but gracious blackbird. It didn’t cover any of her scars, instead it seemed to be soaring between them, like they were branches of a tree. JJ unconsciously felt her hand trace over it, admiring the minimalist style, the outstretched wings, the pure unadulterated beauty of it.
“I know I’m thousands of miles away, but you’re always with me, Jennifer Jareau.”
“You’re right here”, JJ said stupidly. She knew what Emily meant, that even in London the tattoo linked them, and she could just cry from the tenderness of it, but…
But Emily was here right now, for a few more seconds. A few more precious seconds.
Emily didn’t say a word, but placed a kiss on JJ’s temple, then her cheek, her chin, her nose, the edge of her mouth, just missing her lips, just avoiding what would make it all too real.
That last kiss lingered, and JJ felt a tear slide down her cheek.
Emily kissed that too.
And before JJ could think properly again Emily had her jumper back on and her jacket in her arms, reaching behind her to grab her go-bag.
Neither one of them said goodbye. Emily squeezed JJ’s still-frozen hands and left for the other side of the world.
A blackbird flying with her.