Audrey’s old life felt as if it were a hundred years away and a million miles ago. She longed for the days when she could wake up in a bed that didn’t shudder over the train’s roaring engines, and missed waking up to a face that would smile back at her when their eyes met. Sometimes, on those blissful days, she’d wake up and little Allie would be wedged between her and Melanie. Her features that looked so much like Melanie’s, with her green eyes and dark hair, would be relaxed and peaceful and her little hands would be tucked up to her chest or maybe clenched around Audrey or Melanie’s shirt. Audrey didn’t mind. She loved waking up to her little family.
She missed the sounds of their kitchen being filled with music and quiet but contented laughter. Audrey liked to play R.E.M’s Shiny Happy People in the mornings so that she could dance with Allie until their breakfast was done cooking, and so that Melanie would walk in with a smile on her face. She never smiled enough. Melanie was a private person by nature, even then. She wasn’t loud, she didn’t shout or yell, or even sing very loudly. Audrey didn’t mind that either because she loved Melanie, and she loved how different they were. It was what had made them work.
Had. Audrey reminded herself it was had as she woke from her daydream. The departure of Snowpiercer and the death of Allie had changed everything, even though they hadn’t wanted to admit that to each other for months after. Melanie had fallen in on herself and thrown her head into her hospitality role whilst Audrey had remained in the Night Car to find her only solace in the bottom of a bottle and on the receiving end of a microphone. Neither of them could blame the other for that; that was just the kind of people they were. But of course, with the uprising, things were different now.
“Audrey? Have you got a minute?”
Audrey raised her head from her chore, which was scrubbing down the taps before the nightly entertainment, and noticed Zarah stood in the doorway. Like usual, the ex-Tailie had her arms folded on her growing stomach, and a concerned expression written on her face. She was leaning against the frame shyly; Zarah was always reluctant to ask for help.
“What’s up?” Audrey asked. She dropped her cloth on the bar and approached. Zarah didn’t look injured, or distressed, but evidently something was wrong. “Need help with something?”
“Uh, yeah. Could you…um, help me with something? I’d ask Andre but he’s uptrain.”
“Sure thing. What’s up?”
Zarah reached out and took Audrey’s hand. Very slowly and very cautiously, she placed the hand over her belly and held it there. Her dark eyes looked away again, as if reserving herself from Audrey’s confused stare to concentrate on something. “Just…feel it for me.”
They stood there for a few moments, with Zarah just holding Audrey’s hands to her stomach. No words were spoken, and Zarah didn’t look at her friend the entire time. After what felt like hours, Audrey felt a movement under her hands, soft but firm like something was shifting beneath them. It was funny to Audrey, so she grinned.
“Feels like you’ve got another little fighter on your hands.” She chuckled as she felt another kick jab into the palm of her hand.
Zarah’s eyes snapped open and she looked at Audrey. “You felt that? You felt it?” She grabbed her wrist. “I’m not dreaming?”
There was another movement, and Audrey’s smile broadened. “You’re not dreaming, Zarah. They’re in there.”
Zarah’s eyes blinked a few times before a small smile appeared on her lips. She let go of Audrey’s wrist and looked down at herself. “Sorry. I didn’t know if it was real, what I was feeling, y’know? Like I was imagining it, or it was just a dream.” Audrey didn’t respond. Zarah’s eyes found her’s again. “Thanks, for this. Sorry, it must seem like I’m crazy-“
Audrey shook her head. “Of course not.” She waved a dismissive hand. “I suppose it doesn’t feel real until they’re in your arms.”
Zarah nodded. “Yeah, I think so. I guess he’s just reminding me.”
“You know what you’re having?”
“Just a feeling.” Zarah leaned in the doorway, her head resting against the frame with a new relaxed aura around her. “Andre thinks it’ll be a girl. He keeps coming to me with names.”
Audrey smiled. It wasn’t hard to imagine Layton being over the moon about becoming a father. “I, for one, hope he’s right. We need more girls around here – ones that can’t kill you with a single look anyway. What names has he come up with?”
“He suggested Josie to begin with but…I don’t know on that.” Zarah was quiet for a second, as if to remember the woman she’d betrayed, then shook herself back into the room. “I think Olivia was my favourite one of his.”
“Did you know an Olivia?”
“No. Just always liked the name. Feels right, y’know?”
Audrey nodded her understanding. She glanced back over her shoulder, knowing she had to get back to washing down the taps. Zarah followed her gaze and took the hint.
“Anyway, I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure you’re busy.”
Audrey grimaced. “Unfortunately.”
Zarah gave her a hug: a rare form of affection coming from her. “Thank you. For checking on me, I mean.”
“It’s nothing.”
Zarah let her go. “It’s not nothing, but thank you. Really.” She squeezed her shoulders and then quietly left.
Audrey watched her disappear down the train. Zarah was an odd one, that was for sure, but Audrey liked her. Despite her mistakes, she was remarkably kind and tried to put everybody before herself. Josie had been the unfortunate exception but if it had been Audrey in Zarah’s situation, she would’ve done the same. Sometimes, Audrey worried that Zarah was becoming her new Nikki. The new person she cared for almost as much as she cared for Melanie: and the new person she was going to let down. Nikki hadn’t been her fault, neither had Allie, or Josie’s death. She couldn’t protect everybody, she knew that. That didn’t stop her from fearing it though.
Audrey walked back to the bar and picked her cloth back up. She’d barely wrapped it around the tap when another voice called out to her.
“Audrey? Are you in here?”
Audrey couldn’t help but feel her heart lift in her chest as she recognised Melanie’s voice floating down from above. She dropped the cloth again and leaned over the bar to angle her head up.
“Down here!”
Melanie’s dark hair appeared over the bannister and the two chuckled at the strange angle they could see each other from. It was nice to see Melanie smile again, she hadn’t smiled properly in years. The dark hair disappeared and it was quickly followed by the sound of boots gently thumping down the stairs.
Melanie was dressed differently now. Her dark hair hadn’t known its usual clip in a few days, so now spilled past her shoulders in a great, ebony wave. Her pristine, nicely starched suit had been abandoned for a grey boiler suit that hitched in at the waist. A small badge over her breast pocket read ‘Melanie Cavill: Head Engineer’. As she approached, Audrey came around the other side of the bar:
“Are you going to laugh at me if I say I prefer you in the boiler suit?” She teased.
Melanie rolled her eyes, but laughed anyway. When they met in the middle of the dance floor, her arms wrapped around Audrey’s waist and she pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek.
“Yes, I am. Are you going to hate me if I tell you I prefer the whole burgundy rebel look?”
Audrey scoffed. “Are you kidding? I rocked that outfit.”
“Your makeup didn’t have a scratch on it.” Melanie hummed, amused at the memory of seeing Audrey with barely a hair out of place, despite blood all over her. “Wish I had that kind of style.”
“You’ve got tons of style. Look at you.” Audrey’s eyes flicked up and down Melanie’s suit briefly and twinkled mischievously. “You could be on the cover of Engineering Weekly with an outfit like this.”
Melanie feigned outrage and swatted at her, which just made both of them laugh harder. Melanie could listen to Audrey’s laugh forever. It was so full of life, and loud enough that stayed in people’s ears long after she’d gone. But that was why Audrey loved Melanie’s laugh so much. Where hers was loud and silly, Melanie’s was quiet and shy and reserved only for her ears. Audrey treasured it more than her own life.
“So, what can I do for you today, my darling?” Audrey asked. “Not that I don’t love having you here, but it’s nice to have a reason.”
Melanie pulled Audrey back into her arms again. “I’ve got the day off. Ben’s teaching Miles, Jinju is diving again, and Javi has the train. Andre’s busy with other things, so here I am with nothing to do.”
“Nothing to do, huh?” Audrey quirked a knowing eyebrow at the taller woman. “Well, I suppose we should do something about that.”
Melanie smiled into their kiss. She had this breeziness about her now, Audrey had noticed, an almost carefree kind of nature. She didn’t worry or fret as much, and it was like every nail had been unscrewed from her pained face and soothed over with baby wipes. She smiled so much easier now too. Proper, genuine smiles that showed off her radiant teeth and made her eyes scrunch up, not the thin-lipped nods she’d given to passengers when what she really wanted to do was bite their heads off.
Audrey pulled her into another kiss. She held onto these little moments. Too many years had gone by where she hadn’t kissed Melanie, so now she savoured each and every one. Audrey took a hold of the front of Melanie’s suit, pulling her down a little, before groaning.
Melanie broke the kiss and frowned. “What?”
Audrey gave a little tug on her clothes. “I gotta say, it was much sexier doing this when I had lapels to hold on to.” She said, earning another chuckle from Melanie. “This is also much less sexy to get off, I mean god forbid we were on a desk or –“
Melanie took a gentle hold of Audrey’s wrists. “It’s a good thing we aren’t on a desk then, isn’t it?” She placed a kiss on her cheek.
Audrey huffed. “I almost wish you were back in skirts and heels.”
“Not boots and boiler suits?”
“Not boots and boiler suits.” She agreed, smiling in amusement. “Still, I bet you want me back in one of the burlesque dresses, hm?”
Melanie mimicked a pondering look. “Hm, I don’t know.” Her eyes came back to Audrey’s and she broadened a smile. “I prefer you.”
Audrey laughed, and made a face. “God, you’re still so cheesy, you know that?”
“Mhm, yeah, it hasn’t gotten any better.” She gestured to the cut on Audrey’s cheek, running the back of her finger along it gently. “Have you put anything on that? It looks a bit swollen.”
Audrey stepped backwards and put her own hand to the cut. It did feel hot, but she’d been putting that sensation down to the fact that she was either around Melanie, or working up a sweat. However, as she pressed her hand further in, it was quite painful. She winced, and Melanie came closer.
“C’mon. Is there still a medic kit under the bar?” She asked turning Audrey by her shoulders.
“Yeah, it’s under the trash box.” Audrey mumbled as she let Melanie sit her up on one of the stools. She pressed her finger into her face as Melanie searched behind the bar. “Ow. Shit. Never let a jackboot hit you in the face, take it from me.”
Melanie straightened up with the kit in her hands. “The jackboots don’t exist anymore.” She replied, and set the kit on the bar’s counter top. It opened with a quiet click and Melanie delved into it. “They can’t hurt you again, I promise you.”
Audrey frowned at Melanie’s change in mood. She’d settled herself into her serious mode, which usually didn’t take much to get her out of again, but not when she’d found a purpose. Even if that purpose was as little as sticking a band-aid on Audrey’s cheek.
Melanie pulled out a small wipe and began to gently smooth over the cut. “The jackboots, Commander Grey, any of them. I won’t let them hurt you again.” She glanced down to her feet for a moment.
Audrey’s hand held Melanie’s free one. “Hey, look at me.” Slowly, very slowly, the green eyes looked back hers. Audrey placed her other hand on Melanie’s cheek. “Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere.” She mumbled, wiping Audrey’s face again but the brunette stubbornly angled her head out of the way.
“Melanie, talk to me. What’s going in that head of yours?”
Melanie put the wipes down and sighed. “Audrey, it’s nothing really. Will you just let me sort out that scratch and leave it be?”
“No. We’ve spent too much time just leaving things be and look where it got us. You nearly got a lungful of ice and I nearly lost the Nightcar and you.” Audrey’s thumb gently brushed under Melanie’s eye. “No more secrets, Melanie. Secrets and secrets so many will kill us both.”
“Are you a poet now?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
Melanie sighed again, running a hand through her long hair. “I don’t know how to say it. It’s not sadness, it’s not regret, and it doesn’t feel like guilt. But it hurts, right here.” She indicated to her chest. “Every time I see you, or Brakeman Till, or Zarah, or Andre – I remember what I did to them all. All that hurt. I let the jackboots beat them senseless if they rebelled against Wilford. I let the Brakemen stick their arms out of the train and break them off with hammers. I killed Josie. I stuck Layton in a drawer –“
Tears were threatening her eyes, and her voice started to ramble a little but Audrey sat quietly and let her speak. It was almost like one of their therapy sessions; quiet listening.
“How can you ever trust me again, Audrey? I’ve caused all this pain, and hurt all these people – how can you forgive me, just like that?” She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “I shouldn’t be here. I should be outside this train – dead – and you deserve somebody better than me.”
Audrey slowly reached across and brushed a strand of dark hair behind Melanie’s ear. “I haven’t forgiven you, Mel.” She said in a soft voice. “-and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you, but I also know you. Remember when we were in the middle of it, and Layton asked me if I could trust you, and I said yes? I’ve always trusted you because I know the kind of person you are. You’re the person who stood right here with me, and dreamed of what we could make the Nightcar. You were our ear to living, not just surviving. You gave up the train to save what’s left of humanity, even if that meant some hard choices. I may not be able to forgive you, Melanie, but I could certainly never stop loving you.”
Melanie didn’t know how to react. Her eyes remained cast Audrey’s lap, trying to hide the tears that clouded them. She sniffed.
“Every time I look in your eyes, Audrey, all I see are the men who hurt you.”
Audrey hooked a finger under Melanie’s chin and lifted it so their eyes met. They sat there for a few seconds, Audrey never once letting Melanie look away until she gave a small smile. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.
“Is that all you see?”
In this silence, you could’ve heard a pin drop. No words, no breathing, not even the hum of the train disturbed their quiet. Their movements were slow, as if time had frozen over and they could be here forever, gazing into one another’s eyes. Audrey’s hands came to either side of Melanie’s face, resting them with her palm cupping her jaw and her fingers in her hair. When she brought their lips together, Melanie practically melted into the kiss. Her shoulders slumped and her back straightened as she let Audrey just hold her in place. Ignoring the tears that were still slipping down her face, her arms snaked around Audrey’s waist to pull her in closer and hold her properly.
The kiss didn’t last very long, and when Audrey broke it, she rested her forehead against Melanie’s. She wasn’t crying, but there was a certain softness about her that seemed solemn in a way. As if she were sad, but she didn’t mind being sad.
“Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror, just keep going. No feeling is final.” She murmured, and finally sat back. “Now, that’s poetry.”
Melanie laughed weakly and nodded. “I like that one.” She wiped her nose again. “Where’d you read it?”
“It’s Rilke. I swiped it from the library car a few years ago.”
Melanie rose an eyebrow. “The library is in First, how’d you get there?”
Audrey grinned mischievously. “I have my ways.” She said with a wink. “It’s part of my mystique.”
“Hm, sure. Mind if I steal it back?” Melanie picked the forgotten wipe back up again and pressed it into Audrey’s face, making the other woman groan. “Oh, don’t be a baby. It’s what you get for stealing literature.”
Audrey made a face. “-and to think, I was just being so nice to you.” She hummed in amusement. “That’s the last time you’re getting guilt kisses.”
They sat there for a while, making quiet conversation as Melanie finished up on Audrey’s cut. When she was done, she delved into the kit again and made a small noise that made Audrey raise her eyebrow.
“What?”
Melanie held up a small band-aid in her hand. It was bright pink, and bore the Hello Kitty logo. She tried to hold back a laugh as Audrey sighed. “It’s the only one in the box, I’m afraid.”
“Who the hell packed that kit and thought, yes let’s put a kid’s band-aid in here.”
“Apparently someone who thought pink was your colour.” Melanie reached across and placed it gently over the cut, smoothing it over with her thumb. “There.” She sat back to admire her work. “Hello, kitty.”
Audrey groaned at the nickname, but tried to hold back her laughter anyway. “I hate you. I’m going to go and get that book for you. Stay here, and don’t make me laugh.”
She slid off the stool and as she walked away, she passed Till on the stairs. The blonde frowned, and laughed.
“Nice band-aid.”
“Fuck off.”