The Kissing Theory

If Elphaba Thropp had a silver for every time Glinda Upland proposed something utterly ridiculous, she would have enough money to fund her own research, move out of their shared dorm, and never have to deal with Glinda’s nonsense again.

Unfortunately, the universe was cruel, and so she remained exactly where she was: seated at her desk in their dormitory, eyes fixed on her book, trying very hard to ignore the blonde who had just giggled behind her. That giggle never meant anything good.

She turned a page. Pretended she hadn’t heard it.

Another giggle.

Then the sound of Glinda clearing her throat, overly theatrical, like she was preparing to make an announcement in front of the entire school.

Elphaba sighed, marking her page. Might as well get this over with.

“Whatever it is, the answer is no.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say yet,” Glinda huffed, stepping into her periphery. She had that look—chin tilted up, hands on her hips, eyes sparkling with mischief.

“I don’t need to know,” Elphaba muttered. “It’s always something absurd.”

Glinda gasped, placing a hand over her heart like she’d just been struck by lightning. “I’ll have you know, Miss Elphaba Thropp, that I am a very reasonable person.”

Elphaba just stared at her.

Glinda sighed dramatically and flopped onto her bed, golden curls bouncing as she did. “Fine. If you must know, I’ve decided I need to be the best at something.”

Elphaba lifted an eyebrow. “Just one thing?”

Glinda ignored her. “I mean, of course I’m already good at everything, but there’s one particular skill I haven’t tested yet.”

Elphaba pinched the bridge of her nose. “This conversation is already giving me a headache.”

“And that’s why you, dear roomie, are the perfect person to help me.”

That caught Elphaba’s attention. She narrowed her eyes. “Help you with what?”

Glinda sat up, back straight, a self-satisfied grin stretching across her face.

“Kissing.”

Elphaba choked.

No, actually choked. She had been entirely unprepared for that word to come out of Glinda’s mouth, and now her brain was struggling to process it.

Glinda, completely unbothered, twirled a strand of her hair around her finger. “I have a very important date coming up, and I refuse to be anything less than exceptional. But how am I supposed to know if I’m an amazing kisser if I don’t have anyone to compare it to?”

Elphaba stared at her like she had sprouted a second head.

“… You’re joking.”

“I most certainly am not.”

Elphaba slammed her book shut. “Absolutely not.”

Glinda pouted, scooting to the edge of her bed. “Oh, come on, Elphie. It’s not like it means anything. You’re the perfect person for this! You don’t like romance, you don’t have any feelings for me—”

“Obviously,” Elphaba muttered.

“—so there’s no risk! You’re practically an impartial judge! All you have to do is let me kiss you a few times and then give me a detailed review of my technique.”

Elphaba’s entire body tensed. “A detailed review?”

“Yes! Like… was it good? Was it too fast? Too slow? Not enough tongue? Too much tongue?”

Elphaba shot out of her chair. “GLINDA.”

“What?”

“Do you hear yourself?”

Glinda rolled her eyes. “Elphaba, you’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s just a few harmless kisses. Completely scientific! Methodical!”

“Methodical,” Elphaba repeated, absolutely bewildered.

“Exactly! A proper experiment requires unbiased results. And since you don’t like kissing—”

“I never said that.”

Glinda paused, tilting her head. “Wait. You didn’t?”

Elphaba’s jaw clenched. “Just because I don’t go around throwing myself at people doesn’t mean I’m opposed to it.”

Glinda’s lips curved into a slow, knowing smile. “So… you do like kissing.”

Elphaba pointed a sharp finger at her. “This conversation is over.”

But Glinda was already bouncing off the bed, eyes alight with something dangerous.

“Oh, this is interesting,” she teased, stepping closer. “Elphie, have you even kissed anyone before?”

Elphaba’s entire body went rigid.

Glinda gasped. “Oh my Oz, you haven’t!”

Elphaba turned away sharply, marching toward the bookshelf as if the books could save her from this disaster. “That is none of your concern.”

“Oh, but it is! Because now I have the perfect solution.”

Elphaba closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, and prayed to whatever cosmic force might be listening that Glinda was not about to say—

“I’ll be your first kiss.”

Elphaba spun so fast her robes nearly knocked over a lamp. “ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

Glinda clasped her hands together, looking far too pleased. “It’s flawless! You need experience, I need a test subject—”

“I do not need experience.”

“But what if you do? What if you go your entire life never kissing anyone, and then the moment finally comes and you’re just terrible at it?”

Elphaba scoffed. “You think I care about that?”

“You should! What if you meet someone and you like them and they want to kiss you, but then you don’t know what you’re doing and it’s just—” She shuddered. “—sloppy?”

Elphaba rubbed her temples. “This might be the most absurd conversation I have ever had.”

Glinda beamed. “Then that’s a yes?”

“NO.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s— it’s insane!”

Glinda gave her best please, please, please pout. “Elphieee.”

“No.”

“I’ll owe you one.”

“No.”

“I’ll do your laundry for a month.”

“… Tempting, but no.”

Glinda groaned dramatically, flopping back onto her bed. “Ugh, you’re impossible.”

Elphaba sighed, finally allowing herself to breathe. “Thank you.”

A moment of silence passed.

And then—

“So, if not a month of laundry, what about two?”

Elphaba groaned. This was going to be a long night.