Fixing (year 3)
“You look tired.” Marlene set down her quill- she had recently started getting into drawing, as Dorcas was apparently a brilliant painter and she didn’t want to get left behind in the creative aspects- but her drawings always looked like shit. She pouted at her creation and held up her sketchbook, where Sirius saw that she had drawn a horrible blob monstrosity: three ears, all different sizes and shapes, and eyes and a nose so close together it looked like the creation had three eyes. Or three noses. “Do you like my dog?”
Sirius raised his eyebrows, “It makes me want to hurl.”
She flipped the page, to look at it herself, “Yeah it does, doesn’t it?”
They went back to silence.
“Remus visiting his mum again then?” She asked after a moment.
Sirius rubbed his eyes, “Yeah.”
“You concerned?”
“No.”
Marlene shrugged, setting down her sketchbook and stretching her back, “He just seemed a little ill, that’s all.”
“Yeah well, he’s always a little ill.”
“True that.”
Again they lapsed into silence.
“You think he’ll be back in time for your first quidditch match tomorrow?”
Sirius snarled, “It’s not my first quidditch match Marlene.”
“It’s the first one you’ll be commentating on.”
“Whatever.”
Marlene continued to watch him, “Well…” She sighed, “Personally I hope he’ll be back in time to see you.”
“What?” Sirius snapped, “Why?”
Unlike Peter who would probably cower, and mumble something about it not mattering, and James would try to figure out what was putting him in a bad mood, Marlene just narrowed her eyes and leaned forward like he was challenging her, “ Because for some stupid, miraculous, reason Lupin thinks you’re funny and it would be a shame if the only person who appreciates your sense of humour in this school would also be the only person to miss it tomorrow.”
“Oh,” Sirius said in a small voice. Remus thought he was funny? But… He straightened up, “Fuck off Marlene, you know I’m hilarious. Besides, James nearly choked on his chicken last night because of my impression of Snivellus.”
Marlene didn’t say anything, “It’s ok to worry about your friends, you know.”
Sirius felt like he had been slapped. Could she know about Remus? Was that what this is about?
“Holy fuck Sirius how dim are you?” She finally snapped, “James hasn’t been himself today and I don’t know WHAT happened but you do, so maybe instead of sitting here like a zombie go take care of your friend because that’s what he would’ve done in a HEARTBEAT if your roles were reversed!”
Finally, panting she got up in a way that reminded Sirius an awfully lot of Evans and stormed out of the room. Great, now he had two annoying girls to deal with.
What had she said though- James hadn’t been himself today.
She was right of course- Sirius almost wanted to laugh- none of the marauders had been themselves today. But that was usual for the full moon. Peter always bit his nails during the full moon, Sirius always clenched and unclenched his hands which cramped up uncomfortably. But James...James was ok. James was always ok. James told jokes no matter what day it was, no matter if Remus was there to laugh at them or not. He took care of them during the full moon and when it was over he took care of Remus.
Sirius had just always assumed that it didn’t affect them in the same way that it affected everyone else.
But he wasn't so sure anymore.
_ _ _ _
“Have a cookie Potter.”
Well, you heard the woman. James made a show of letting his hand drift over the plate of cookies, letting it drop to one of the cookies before lifting it up again at the last moment to select another one as if it really mattered which one he chose and they weren’t all the same plain vanilla crescents that tasted more like flour than anything else.
The cookie crumbled in his mouth like sand in the desert.
Still, he took another one.
McGonagall stayed silent for another moment in the way that told him she was thinking really hard, observing him, as if she could read his mind if she strained hard enough. Maybe she could.
Hey Minnie. He tried to wink with his mind's eyes but wasn’t sure if that worked, Trelawny had never taught them that, which was funny because that's probably the most useful thing she could be teaching him.
“How long have you known about Mr Lupin’s condition?”
Wow, so she was getting straight into it huh?
James shrugged, “Not long.” As she continued to stare at him he muttered, “Since second year.”
McGonagall pursed her lips and sat back in her chair, “How…-?”
“Well, he didn’t tell me.” James burst out, “He was scared as hell. I just figured it out. I’m not stupid you know? I'm quite bright actually. Sirius figured it out too, and then I just-...and then Peter figured it out.”
She stared at him knowingly, “He did?”
“...Yeah.”
His teacher sighed, “Mr Potter….I know that following rules has never been your forte, but I need you to understand you can not tell anyone about this. Under other circumstances, I would perhaps demand of you to...take an oath or...but...considering you’re an underage wizard I simply can’t ask you to do that.”
“I would.” James said, straightening, “I’ll do it right now.”
She shook her head, “I’ll take your word for it.”
He relaxed a bit more into his seat.
“You’ve been a bit distracted today.” Professor McGonagall started.
James narrowed his eyes at her, “Yeah. Maybe because my friend is currently in agonizing pain.”
James almost had to cringe at the sound of his own voice, as he knew that sarcasm didn’t really suit him and the marauders had decided long ago that it was more of a Remus and only Remus thing.
Screw that.
McGonagall narrowed her eyes and now they were both pretty much squinting at each other, “I only brought it up because in the past you’ve always managed to be quite….level headed. Even with the full moons.”
James shrugged feeling himself brush, “I’ve never been a good student anyway-”
“James.” It was the first time she had called him by his first name and he felt oddly exposed, “Whatever you’re thinking. Whatever you’ve been thinking about all day- stop it.”
He had just about enough time to let loose an exasperated sound before she continued, “Remus Lupin is a wonderful boy. Excellent student, kind, sweet, slightly mischievous but well nothing compared to you and Mr Black. But he’s also a werewolf and those are dangerous.”
“I can’t believe-”
“Yes, you can be friends with a werewolf. Yes, Mr Lupin is lovely. Yes, I trust you to keep a secret. But no, you can’t help him. Do you hear me, James? You can’t do anything about this. And that’s fine.”
James glared at her, “Are you done? ”
She narrowed her eyes even more, “Only if you understand-”
James jumped forwards, “No, YOU need to understand Professor! How on earth do you expect me to sit here full moon after full moon and not do ANYTHING to help my friend?”
His teacher's expression seemed to soften a fraction, “I know you want to help but you can’t.”
“MERLIN’S BEARD STOP SAYING THAT!”
They blinked at each other for a moment and James realised that in his rage he had gotten up from his seat. He plopped back down again and grabbed a cookie for good measure.
“Jame-”
“You don’t understand Professor.” James whispered, feeling the way his face heated up, “I have to help my friends. Because why else-” He hesitated, not knowing how to express this feeling into words, “Why else do I exist?”
McGonagall studied him for a moment.
“I would do anything.” James said, “I WILL do anything.” Somehow he felt angry but too tired to continue yelling, “I have to...I mean- No one else is doing anything. Right?” He felt like laughing, “Peter’s sister takes care of him because his mum is depressed.” James looked up into his teacher's eyes, “Did you know that? Sirius’s-” He stopped himself, “The Black family- His brother- He- The Black family tortures their children. You knew that. Everyone knows that. Yet-” He took a deep breath, feeling his hands starting to shake and his cheeks heat up, “Yet- NO ONE is doing anything! Remus is a werewolf! And no one is doing anything. Why is no one helping him?- Any of them?”
“James-”
“NO. WHY Professor? So I have to do it. I have to help my friends.”
McGonagall studied him for a long time, “...And who decided that James?”
“Me, Professor.”
Once again there was a long pause. Too long.
“I can tell you’re...stressed at the moment, Mr Potter.”
Ah, so he was Mr Potter again. Good.
“But I need you to realise that your friends shouldn’t be burdens.”
“They’re not-”
“And although it’s good to take care of them, you need to take care of yourself as well.”
James wanted to roll his eyes, but as soon as that thought hit him he suppressed it- this wasn’t in character for him at all.
“I’m going to go now.” James got up and grabbed his bag from the floor, “Goodbye.”
“Wait- Potter!”
He turned at the door and saw that McGonagall's head was in her hands. She looked up and saw that the way her eyes seemed to droop down, and her cheeks were a pale pink. Huh?
“You don’t…?” She seemed to struggle for words, “You don’t experience…? Just...let me know if you ever feel…”
James turned towards the door, “I’ll let you know if I feel depressed Minnie.”
Although he wasn’t looking at her he could sense her stiffening. “...Ok.”
“Peace out.”
And with that James went back to the dorm to check if Peter had finished his homework, and Sirius had finally cleaned his part of the room.
...Maybe Minnie had a point.
_ _ _ _
If Remus was there, Sirius would’ve probably crawled into his bed that night, but Remus wasn’t there so Sirius didn’t.
Or that’s what should’ve happened.
Instead, Sirius tossed and turned in his bed a few times before leaving the dorm in a spur of confidence. He didn’t seriously think he would go to the hospital wing- sure he thought about it as a joke a few times but he didn’t really consider doing it. Yet, now in the pitch black darkness of the common room, with no one there to judge him, except for himself, he found his feet leading him down the familiar path towards the hospital wing, and before he really knew what was going on he had arrived.
Now what?
Since no one seemed to be guarding who was entering and exiting- not even Madam Pomfrey who would be keeping very careful surveillance during the daytime- Sirius decided to just walk into the room, and to the very back where he knew Remus always stayed after full moons.
What was he doing? His fingertips started to itch and his hands cramped up, and he knew that Remus didn't want him there. He knew that after what had happened he would want to relax alone, especially because of his introverted nature.
Sirius wasn't sure what had happened right before the full moon- why Remus had chosen that exact day to freak out but he knew that it was his fault. Partially at least. He couldn’t explain it but he just knew.
He and Remus had some unspoken issue they weren’t dealing with and it was destroying more than just their relationship. Something was going on- as Peter would say “something was in the air” and Sirius knew it because he could feel the tension whenever he and Remus glanced at each other for a little too long and he felt it in the way that they never knew what to talk about anymore, and in all honesty, he wanted to punch something or cry because he knew that he had lost Remus. Somehow he had lost Remus.
And he couldn’t get him back.
He was about to leave again when he heard the bed curtains open and someone whisper his name. He turned around abruptly and saw Remus sitting at the bed, his feet dangling an inch above the floor, his hair messy and his skin so pale that the moonlight made it look translucent.
“Hey,” Sirius said weakly. "Did you hear me?"
"Spidey senses," Remus whispered, smiling and Sirius nodded trying not to let it show in his face that he had no idea what the other boy meant by those words. "The wolf heard you." Remus corrected himself after a moment, "That's what I meant."
"Oh, right."
Remus wasn’t wearing his usual clothes- Sirius could tell right away. He was wearing a grey oversized shirt with matching grey sweatpants and long socks pulled up over his ankles that had little blue stars on them. Remus looked down at his clothes in embarrassment and his cheeks flushed a more healthy-looking pink, “Sorry...Madam Pomfrey got me these as I’m always....” He blushed even more, “Well when I wake up I don’t…” Sirius wanted to laugh at the way that Remus’s eyes darted around the room, and his lips turned a bright red, “Wolves don’t wear clothes, you know.”
“You mean you wake up naked.”
Remus blew out a gust of air, “Heh….Yeah.”
Sirius smiled, watching as Remus tucked a loose curl behind his ear, and he couldn’t help but feel a sudden strong burst of affection towards the young werewolf, and he wanted to laugh because Remus was just...adorable.
Merlin.
“What are you doing here, Sirius? Where are James and Peter?”
Sirius shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant, as if the whole world wasn’t spinning out of control around them, “Eh. I felt like going on more of a solo mission today.”
“Is that so?” Remus laughed but it turned into a cough, “And what’s that mission?”
Sirius didn’t know what to say to that. He felt caught off guard as if he didn’t have a valid reason to be there.
“To see you. And...apologize.” The words were out before he could really think about it.
Remus’s eyebrows shot up and his orange eyes widened. Sirius remembered when he was the only one who knew the meaning behind Remus’s colour chaning eyes. When the two of them shared a secret. And although Sirius had always been pressuring Remus into telling the other marauders, he kind of missed being the only one who knew something this big about Remus.
“What are you apologizing for?” Remus asked, his voice sounding out of breath and shaky.
“I...I didn’t want to...make you feel bad for not writing to me. I know that sometimes...I can be difficult….and...I understand if you didn’t want to spend your summer worrying about me, when you could be…” The next part pained him but squeezed his eyes shut and continued, “When you could instead be writing to someone else. Someone who always wrote back, and who didn’t bother you about things when you had your own problems. Someone who was simple, and...kind. Someone like Gideon.”
There was a moment of silence as all Sirius could hear was the quick drumming of his heart beat. Remus’s mouth was agape, and suddenly he grabbed Sirius’s hand the way he used to, and before Sirius could pull away Remus jumped on top of him and the next thing he knew they were hugging.
“That’s not why I didn’t write to you, Sirius.”
It was just a whisper, and Remus didn’t say anything more either, just those few words. But someone they comforted Sirius anyway.
“You said….before the full moon..” Remus started, “That you were going to be here with me the whole time. What did you mean?”
Sirius pulled away from Remus, “You’re obsessed with stars aren’t you?”
Remus blushed and averted his eyes, “Sort of yeah.”
“Well, then you probably already know about the best star in the sky.”
“Huh?”
Sirius stepped over to the window and peaked out. “I can’t see it right now...can’t really tell the difference between all the stars...but...There’s one up there, in the Orion belt- the brightest star in the sky.”
Remus nodded, padding over to the window as well, and leaning in so close that Sirius could feel his friend's warmth radiating off of him.
“As long as that star is up there in the sky,” Sirius said, “As long as you can see it, and feel it blinking down on you, you’ll know that I'm there. That I’m watching over you just like it’s watching over you. Star’s don’t disappear from the sky, and neither will I.”
Remus tilted his head, and Sirius didn’t know whether it was just a trick of the light but his eyes seemed glassy.
Abruptly, he turned away from the window, before saying in somewhat of a stuffy voice, “Some stars disappear actually. It’s not very common but it is possible and it is-”
Sirius plonked down on the bed next to Remus, “Shut up nerd.”
Remus laughed but stopped talking nevertheless, “Thanks...Sirius. That helped.”
Again they sat in silence before Remus added almost as an afterthought, “I really thought I was going to die, you know? I was...in so much pain, and the transformation hadn’t even begun yet. I just didn’t think I could deal with more…”
His voice faded away and his eyes seemed foggy with thought, “Well.” He shook his head, “That’s over for now.”
“Right,” Sirius replied raspily. “Can I...Is...Should I...Is there anything I can do for you?”
Remus grinned, “I’ll do my own homework, Black.”
“No I meant-” Sirius looked away and blinked a few times, not quite sure why this felt so difficult to say. Why he felt like he was throwing something away, “Should I get someone for you? I can ask...I can ask Gideon to come by tomorrow morning.”
“Oh.” Remus said in a small voice, “You don’t…Are you not coming by tomorrow morning?”
Sirius blushed, “Nahh….Of course not. I was already here, wasn’t I? Besides,” He shrugged just to show how much he didn’t care. How little this meant to him. Because this was fine, completely fine, “I have to prepare for my first Quidditch match as commentator.”
“...Right,” Remus said, and Sirius couldn’t help but feel there was some sort of sadness in his voice. “Um...Sure. Right. Gideon can come along then. I’ll be happy to see him.”
“Yeah,” Sirius said.
“Yeah,” Remus said.
_ _ _ _
“You’re late, Potter.” Lily frowned as he approached, her green eyes filled with disgust, “Don’t you care about your friend?”
James pushed himself into the spot next to her, “Relax, Evans. I simply...prepared something for later. Besides, Sirius knows I’m very proud of him.”
“It better not have been some kind of prank.”
“Me? Prank? Never.”
Lily just huffed and lifted her binoculars to her eyes to watch the stadium, as everyone around them compared their quidditch merchandise and started bets on who would win.
“Don’t they know that betting on the teams of underage players is strictly forbidden?” Lily groaned, “I mean honestly. It doesn’t even sound like a good idea, so many factors could play into this especially considering that both teams are at similar levels and the weather has been-”
“Agreed, definitely agreed.” James cut in, “Anyway I bet you ten sickles Ravenclaw will win, what do you think?”
Lily lowered her binoculars just to glare at him, but it was definitely worth it.
“Hey, guys!” Marlene pushed into the crowd, with Dorcas at her sleeve, “How's it going? How's my little Black sheep doing?”
James shrugged, “Haven’t seen him yet.”
“He’s already at the commentator's spot, with Professor McGonagall.” Lily informed them, “I thought it would be better if he arrives early-”
“Course, you did.” James snickered, and Marlene bit her lip to keep from grinning.
Lily didn’t say anything but exchanged a look with Dorcas who nodded earnestly.
“Welcome to this year’s first Quidditch Game of 1973- RAVENCLAW VS SLYTHERIN!”
Sirius’s voice suddenly announced from the commentator's box, and everyone cheered.
The Gryffindors all jumped up in excitement, Marlene immediately bursting into laughter “at the sound of his dorky voice”.
“I’m here!” There was a nervous voice and James looked over to see Remus and Peter weaving through the crowds towards them, “Sorry! Excuse me! Ah, am I late?”
“Rem?” James cried in surprise, “What are you doing here? Are you ok? How was-”
“I’m fine!” Remus yelled back, having to raise his voice above the cheers of the crowd, “I wanted to see Sirius!”
“Don’t worry, he looks as stupid as always.” Marlene cut in, ignoring Dorcas telling her off for being rude.
“He seems to be doing fine.” Mary, who had just appeared, said. “He seems confident.”
“THAT’S MA BOY!” James exclaimed proudly. “Confidence is key, lads!”
“Now, welcome Ravenclaw to the pitch!” Sirius’s voice boomed, “Especially their new team Captain, Ruby Rubber- heh, RubberI hardly knew her. Get it, Professor-?”
“SIRIUS!”
“Sorry, Minnie.”
Everyone laughed, and from the top of the commentator's box you could see Sirius looking very proud of himself, and disgruntled Professor McGonagall who looked to be contemplating all of her life choices.
“He is not going to make this easy for her is he?” Remus laughed fondly, but his face paled and he had to grip onto James for support for a moment before straightening again. Lines of sweat framed his face.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” James asked as Sirius introduced the Slytherin team, more cheers surrounding them.
“Yeah.” Remus waved his hand absentmindedly, “Just a bit tired...Couldn’t miss out on this though.”
James looked down at the pitch then back at his friend, “If it gets worse we’re going to hospital wing-”
“Alright, mum.” Remus laughed.
“OI!”
James couldn't help but feel Remus's hand tighten on his shoulder.
After just a few more moments the game began, and Ravenclaw scored their first goal, prompting a wave of blue flags, being thrust into the air.
“Doesn’t look so good for you, huh Lily?” James asked smugly, leaning forwards and repositioning himself next to the red head.
She frowned at him, her eyebrows arching downwards, “I didn’t start any bets with you Potter! Frankly, I couldn’t care less who wins.”
“Hey, that’s all good and fine but you still owe me that sweet sweet coin if Ravenclaw wins-”
Just then there was a loud eruption of cheers and James looked over to see Blake Lewis on his broom, fists pumped into the sky, green sleeves and all. Shite...
Lily shifted closer to James, her emerald eyes squinting, her lips slightly parted and her breath feeling comfortably warm against his collarbone, as that was all her petite height allowed her to reach.
She was way too close.
“Good thing Slytherin just scored than isn’t it?” And when she spoke her voice mirrored the exact same smugness he had just administered himself.
A grin spread across her lips as she studied his face before stepping back again, and turning to the game, her hands gripping the bannister, and something about her posture changing.
James could feel a smile spread on his own face, not even trying to stop it he laughed in delight, “So the bet’s on then?”
Lily shrugged, eyes still glued to the game, “I guess I don’t mind winning some money.”
"Ha!" James put a hand around her shoulders, and she pushed him off again, her eyes holding nothing but determination, "You just made a big mistake, Evans, a big mistake!"
"Oh, you are on, Potter."