The Value of a Strawberry (year 2)
Sirius and Remus decided not to talk about the pressing issues at hand even when it was very obvious Sirius wanted to.
Instead, the two of them walked around the Hogwarts grounds, discussing pointless things; The charm’s homework, prank ideas, Peter’s loud chewing habits, James’s last Quidditch practice and so on. Eventually, the two of them walked through the Quidditch pitch and passed a broom closet. Remus stopped in his tracks, “Hey Sirius.”
Sirius stopped too, and looked back, “What?”
“Wanna do something fun?”
Sirius cocked an eyebrow and looked around the pitch, “Like what?”
Remus’s smile broke into a fully-fledged grin, “A prank.”
Sirius looked around again, curiously “A prank?” And then teasingly, “Who are we pranking? The grass?”
“No, Black. We’re pranking people like always,” Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out his wand, “Alhomora!” The broom closet sprung open, “How do you feel about altering some brooms?”
Sirius could feel a grin spread across his face.
_ _ _ _
“And where have you two lovebirds been?” James asked, crossing his arms, when Sirius and Remus entered the great hall during breakfast, “You could’ve at least left a note.”
“What are you, our mum?” Sirius snorted, sitting down next to James.
“Oi!” James pointed his butter knife at him.
“Don’t worry, Potter, it was worth it.” Remus said looking pleased with himself, “You’re lucky you keep your broom in the dorm you know.”
James raised an eyebrow suspiciously, “Why?”
Peter started to bounce up and down in his seat, “What did you do?”
“We did what the marauders do best.” Sirius shrugged, “A prank.”
“A prank?” James squinted at them, “A prank involving brooms...you lot better have not tampered with the quidditch material! If we can’t play anymore I’m blaming you!”
“Relax, Potter it wasn’t anything bad.” Remus said, “All we did was...tamper a bit with...the experience.”
“The experience,” James repeated blankly.
“The experience,” Sirius nodded.
It turned out these days it was hard for the marauders to pull a prank like turning all of the school brooms into vacuum cleaners without immediately getting suspected, and McGonagall decided to give all four of them detention even without any proof that it had really been them who did it. Her argument had been that, if this was the extremely rare instance where it really wasn’t the four of them who had done it, then this detention would do them good anyway, as it would serve for something that they may have done in the past and gotten away with or something that they will still do in the near future.
In all honesty, Remus thought this was pretty logical reasoning, but he still wasn’t all too happy about it.
“I kind of wish I could’ve ridden one of those vacuum cleaners.” James admitted once the marauders left McGonagall's office, “Think about it. It would fly like a broom, but you would have a completely different grip. It would probably be less aerodynamic too, because of the shape. Or perhaps more….Would the balance be different? I’m not sure…but I guess it would depend on whether you-”
“Potter.” Sirius interrupted, “Please for the love of merlin, shut up.”
“Hey! It’s your fault we even have detention! I didn’t do anything.”
“Sorry about that.” Remus muttered, “I didn’t realise she would give all of us detention instead of just Sirius and me.”
“Ah don’t worry about it loony.” James shrugged, “I’ve gotten so many detentions in my day, I barely even register them.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
Peter sighed, “I want to be angry but I can never stay it for longer than about two minutes, and we’ve already reached that benchmark a few minutes ago.”
“Yeah I know, Pete, I’m sorry.” Sirius said, resting his arm on the smaller boy, “But at least we’ll be able to spend more quality time together, eh?”
“We always spend quality time together. That’s what we do. Literally every day.”
“And you wouldn’t want it any other way, amirite?” James flashed a thumbs up.
“Eh.” Peter grunted, “I’ll let you know after the detention.”
“Oi!”
_ _ _ _
After the initial adrenaline rush of the prank, it hit Remus once again that Sirius knew. But somehow it wasn’t that bad.
At first, it was even kind of nice having a shared secret.
Sometimes when the marauders were sitting in Astronomy Sirius would look over at Remus and wink, and Remus would feel a warm fuzzy feeling when he winked back. During their shared potions project Sirius would often pat Remus on the back and mutter something like, “Good work, Lupin.” Remus couldn’t help but feel almost special, like the two of them had something that no one else had. Like not even James and Peter could reach them in moments like this. Sometimes he would secretly hope that James and Peter found something else to do on a given day just so that he could sit with Sirius alone. It didn’t matter what they were doing- anything was fine, as long as he could watch the other boy brush his fringe behind his ears, or bite his lip absentmindedly, or see the way his eyes widened and glittered with excitement. Remus could watch that all day.
But of course, the sharing of this secret wasn’t all good, and when the full moon rolled around once again, suddenly the sharing of a secret didn’t seem so appetizing anymore.
Sirius almost didn’t hear it when Remus whispered it to him a few days later during detention- that’s how quietly the other boy said it.
“I have to go today.”
For a second Sirius could almost feel his heart stop, “Where- Oh. To uh...to visit your mum?”
Remus wouldn’t meet his eyes, “Yeah.”
“Oh.” Sirius said in a small voice, “Well...don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine.”
Remus laughed, and the corners of his eyes crinkled, “You don’t have to give me a pep talk, Black I go through this every month.”
Somehow that didn’t make Sirius feel any better. He shrugged and dipped his rag into a bucket, before wringing it and sloppily dragging it back and forth on a shelf.
“What are you going to tell the others?” Sirius said, trying to sound nonchalant.
Remus narrowed his gaze, “The same thing as always.”
Sirius dropped his rag, “You’re just going to continue lying to them?”
Remus dropped his rag too, “What do you think this is, Sirius? A party?”
“Well, you told me the truth.”
“No, I didn’t. You figured it out on your bloody own.”
“Well, you admitted to it!”
“Fuck off Black.”
“Fuck off yourself Lupin!”
“What are you two bickering about?” Mr Filch growled, peaking into the room. “Should I double your detention?”
“No.” They grunted simultaneously.
“Honestly do you really think James and Pete will care?” Sirius continued, once Filch had left again.
“Drop it, Black.”
“No, really I just don’t understand-”
“Drop it.”
Sirius sighed, “You’ll have to tell them eventually.”
“No, I won’t.”
“But-”
“No, I won’t Black.” Remus snapped. Sirius was about to snap something back at him but instead, he just shrugged, and they didn’t say another word to each other until detention ended.
_ _ _ _
“What’s the matter?” James asked, pushing up his glasses. Sirius didn’t move. He had been standing in front of the door in the boys' dorm for the past twenty minutes or so since Remus had left to go wherever he went when it was a full moon. Sirius suspected it was somewhere down in the dungeons of the castle although Remus never wanted to tell him.
“What?” Sirius asked, keeping his eyes on the door.
“You’ve been watching that same spot ever since Lupin left. Do you really miss him that much?” James asked teasingly.
James and Peter laughed but when Sirius didn’t say anything, James sighed, “Look, he’ll be back in a day or two.”
“Yeah,” Sirius said quietly, though he didn’t feel very convinced. Somehow now that he really knew what happened during the days of Remus’s absence it was difficult to concentrate on anything other than the smaller boy.
“Alright well... you won’t believe what Evans said to me just now before Remus left...”
Suddenly at the mention of Lily’s name, Sirius’s eyes widened, and he blocked out James’s droning voice completely. Lily knew. Lily had figured out Remus’s secret long before Sirius had.
Sirius jumped up.
“-Whoa!” James called holding out his hands, “I didn’t realise you would be that enthusiastic to help me ask out Evans!”
Sirius recoiled, “What?”
“What? Well I just asked if you would help and you jumped up-”
Sirius shook his head, “Nevermind that, I need to talk to Lily.”
James followed him to the door, “Well, don’t just tell her I like her. I'll look like an idiot!”
Peter nodded importantly, “You never tell a girl you like her.”
“You already look like an idiot.” Sirius said, “Besides I don’t care about your love life, Evans already hates you, anyway.”
“Hey-”
But Sirius was already out of the room.
“Oh, hey, Sirius-” Lily started, as Sirius barged towards the four girls sitting in the common room. Dorcas, Marlene and Lily all looked up from their homework, but Frank, who was sitting with them, an arm slung around Alice, didn’t even bother to look up and took a sip of hot chocolate.
“You knew!” Sirius said pointing at Lily, accusingly, “You knew and you never told me. How could you?”
Lily got up, “What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about.” He said darkly.
Lily’s eyes widened in realisation, “Sirius….let’s talk about this reasonably ok?”
“-How could you keep something so big from me?”
“Don’t- Just- Are-” She let out a strangled sound, “Does Remus know?”
Marlene interrupted, “What’s going on?”
“Yeah, I would like to know too.” James said, “Also- Lily will you go out with me?”
“No.” Lily answered. She turned to Sirius, “Sirius, don’t do something you’ll regret. He’s still your friend-”
“What?” Sirius asked, “What are you talking about?”
“I know you might feel….betrayed...or….like it’s...strange….but-but he’s still the same person, ok?”
Sirius paused, “Wait...do you...are you saying this because you think-”
Lily put her hands up, protectively, “You can’t make assumptions-”
“Hold on, you didn’t tell me because you thought I wouldn’t accept him?”
“Hello? Context?” Marlene said waving her hands around, “Wouldn’t accept what?”
Lily blushed, “No! I mean- yes- I mean-”
“Ok, what’s going on?” James cried.
Sirius felt like he had been slapped, “You really have such a low opinion of me, Evans?”
“No! I mean- how can you blame me? With your family and all that-” She stopped short.
All of the sudden everyone in the room seemed to be holding their breath.
“...What.”
James looked between Lily and Sirius, “Mate, let’s go...Forget about it.”
“My family.” Sirius whispered.
“No!” Lily looked panicked, “I mean, I didn’t mean- It’s just, you know how they are, and it’s not your fault but maybe if you were raised a certain way or something, or maybe you would have a different opinion or-”
Sirius didn’t say anything, and there was a blank sort of look on his face. James put a hand on his shoulder protectively.
Peter jumped forward, “Why- why don’t you just shut up?” He squeaked at Lily.
“Hey,” Marlene stepped forward too, “It’s not Lily’s fault, Sirius’s family-”
But before she could even finish her sentence Sirius had turned around and left the room.
“Mate!” James ran after him, “Wait!”
Peter followed them out of the portrait hole.
“What was that about?” Marlene asked, raising an eyebrow. Lily didn’t answer. Somehow it was hard for her to breathe. It was true, wasn’t it? She hadn’t told Sirius because she had been scared that he wouldn’t accept Remus for who he was.
You can’t just make assumptions- She heard her own voice say. Lily almost wanted to laugh. Here she was preaching about kindness and inclusivity and open mindedness when she herself was the only one that had made an assumption.
“Lily...are you ok?”
Lily nodded, “Yeah….of course.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Dorcas and Marlene glance at each other, “It’s ok if you’re not.” Marlene said quietly, “You don’t have to be.”
Lily didn’t answer. It was difficult realising you’re a bad person. It was difficult realising her sister had been right. Realising it was probably the reason Severus left. The reason Remus stopped talking to her.
“Lily?” Dorcas asked.
Lily had been wrong about herself for a very long time.
It was a boring day that Saturday. Severus wasn’t home for some reason, and so Lily was waiting for the day to end alone, laying in the grass outside of her house. At around five PM, while Lily was sitting on the porch of their home, reading a book Petunia walked up to her. It was obvious she had been planning on ignoring the redheaded girl, but Lily was prepared.
“How was your day with Amelia?” She asked, brightly.
Petunia looked down on her in disgust. Her brown hair was curled with a bow on either side of the head, as that was apparently the popular way of wearing your hair now, and she was wearing a green dress that reached her knees and had huge puffy sleeves. The two sisters used to make fun of these types of dresses together as they thought it looked a bit like a circus costume, but these days Petunia only seemed to be wearing things and doing things that she used to dislike.
“Fine.” Petunia answered stiffly, after a long pause.
“That’s great!” Lily said energetically although she could feel the energy draining out of her. “Amelia seems really nice! I hope I can meet her sometime!”
Petunia crossed her arms, “You wouldn’t like her.”
“Oh.” Lily didn’t know what to say to that, “I think I would!”
Petunia rolled her eyes, “She’s not good enough for you, sister. No one is good enough for you.”
Lily felt like she had been slapped, “That’s not true!”
“Drop the act, Lily! That’s not the way you really talk. That’s not...you. You’ve changed.” Lily once again didn’t know what to say. This isn’t what she had planned to happen.
Petunia let out a disgusted sound, “You know what I hate about you? It’s not that you’re a freak, no. It’s that you’re so...fake.”
“What?” Lily asked in a small voice.
Petunia snarled, “The reason you don’t have any friends isn’t because you're quirky and too good for the people here, it’s because no one knows who you really are. You act too...too...perfect. Oh, little Miss Lily Evans ooh isn’t she just great. I know it’s not the way you really are ok? I know it. You’re not a kind person, you’ve just gotten good at pretending you are!”
Lily could feel her lips trembling, “I’m sorry that I’m not mean, like you!”
“I’m not mean, Lily. I’m real. People know what I’m thinking and why I’m thinking it...but you? You’re a blank slate. That’s why you’ll never have friends, except for that creepy boy with the slimy hair. That’s why, no, you won’t be meeting Amelia anytime soon.”
Lily closed and opened her mouth a few times, “You don’t know me.”
“No one does.” Petunia opened the door to their house.
“You can’t just make assumptions!” Lily shrieked after her, feeling as though she had to have the last word. She had lost this battle.
“Sure I can.” Petunia answered as she took off her shoes, “My assumptions about you have always been correct.”
“Lily?” A voice asked again. Either Marlene or Dorcas.
Lily blinked. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m fine.”
They exchanged a look, “Are you sure?”
Lily didn’t say anything. It didn’t matter. She had hurt her friends. She had hurt Remus by putting him in an uncomfortable position. She had hurt Severus by punching him, by distancing herself from him.
She had hurt Sirius.
Was Sirius her friend?
Lily blinked again and she could feel tears well up in her eyes.
“Red…” A hand grabbed hers, but she pulled away.
Of course, Sirius was her friend. And she had hurt him.
Lily thought she didn’t care about the Black, but she did. She told herself he was just a bully- an arrogant, obnoxious, and childish boy, who she would never truly understand. She told herself they insulted each other because they meant it. She told herself she jinxed him because it was what he deserved.
But it wasn’t. It was their way of showing their friendship.
Or it had been.
It wasn’t anymore. Because she’d hurt him. Just like she had hurt Petunia, and just like she would hurt Marlene and Dorcas someday.
Remus was the one to find her the next day. It was late at night, and she was sitting underneath the tree where she had seen him and Sirius sit after she’d slapped Sev.
She cried.
It didn’t feel good to cry. She had heard people describe it as feeling good once. Like it relieved them and made them feel calmer, and like it was a way of relieving stress. This wasn’t the case for her. She wished she could stop. But the tears just kept coming.
“Lily?”
In the moment when he stepped out of the shadows, Remus looked like an angel to her. When her eyes met his, she broke, but in the most calming way possible. His body seemed to be outlined in the starlight, his hair was surrounded by a halo of moonlight, his eyes shone like beacons, and the wind rippled through his white sweater.
He sat down next to her, and slowly, reached his hand out grasping hers in his own. His hands weren’t sweaty this time. They were pleasantly warm and they wrapped around her fingers with confidence and ease.
Lily could feel her whole body shudder, “I’m sorry, Remus.” He didn’t say anything, just wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to him.
And she finally understood.
This was why their kiss was strange.
This was why their hands didn’t fit into each other’s when they tried to force feelings that weren’t supposed to be there.
They weren’t supposed to be a couple.
“You didn’t hurt me, Lily,” Remus said smiling. “You were my first friend here. You know that right?”
Lily sniffled, again, and let out a huge sob that racked her whole body, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, Remus.”
“You’re not doing anything wrong.”
Lily couldn’t help but smile when she looked into Remus’s eyes again, and she felt angry at her past self for ever wanting any more of him than she already had.
Slowly Lily leaned back and lay down on the ground. After a moment of hesitation, Remus copied her, and the two of them lay staring up at the sky, watching through the hundreds of leaves that obscured their vision. And it was exactly how Lily had imagined it, as she squeezed Remus’s hand.
But there wasn’t anything romantic about it.
And it was perfect.
James and Peter left after a while to give Sirius some space.
He was glad of it really, although Sirius hated to be alone he didn’t have the energy to be around anyone at that moment. Remus was still….gone, as far as they knew, although he should be returning sometime today, or tomorrow. Sirius grimaced.
Should he tell Remus that Lily knew? He had a right to be aware, of course, but, knowing Remus, it would just stress him out. It wasn’t like Lily would tell anyone. She hadn’t even told Sirius after all. Lily had been right to an extent. Her words had been floating around in the Blacks head for the past few days, and now that he had finally shaken off his friends he could really think about it.
He had been raised a certain way, just like she’d said. That part was true.
The door to the owlery opened and Sirius looked up and was about to leave so he wouldn’t have to be around whoever had decided to send an owl at this time, but before he could get up he recognized who it was. The door closed behind a short boy with black, gleaming hair, cold grey eyes, and pale skin.
It was Regulus.
They both noticed each other immediately, but neither of them said anything. Regulus wasn’t holding a letter or an owl, or anything that indicated he was here to write a letter. He held his brothers, gaze for a moment before sliding down the wall and sitting down opposite Sirius. Sirius desperately wanted to say something but he didn’t know how to start. Andy’s words kept repeating in his head.
You could see a difference, she had said. And it was true. You could when you really looked. It should have been obvious to him. He was his brother after all. But it took Sirius a lot longer than he’d expected. His brother’s cheeks were hollow, he had circles under his eyes, he was paler than Sirius had remembered and...and he was skinnier than Sirius had remembered too.
“Oh Reggie…” Sirius murmured, continuing to observe his brother, “I’m so sorry…”
Regulus’s lips seemed to be trembling, but he wasn’t looking at his brother. Sirius had been avoiding this moment. He had been hiding from this because he knew that it would happen, eventually. That he would have to face his brother and see the damage he had done. And now, Sirius was almost grateful, that Regulus had appeared at this moment. Because now, Sirius was forced to see him. And now that he had seen him, he couldn’t look away anymore. He couldn't avoid it anymore.
And all of a sudden, Sirius didn't care about Lily. He didn't care what she thought of him. He didn't care that Remus was a werewolf. He didn't care that Remus didn't trust him with the information, that Lily didn't trust him. All fo that didn't matter. Because now all he could see was the way Regulus's shirt and robes that had fit him perfectly at the beginning of the school year now clung to his skin, a few sizes to big.
“You know…” Sirius whispered after a few moments of silence, “that’s where I was sitting when I wrote my first letter to you.” He pointed to one of the windows close to his brother, who looked up slowly. Sirius didn't expect him to answer. To listen either. But he needed to tell him. “It was fucking cold that day.” Sirius explained, and a small sad smile played on his lips, “But all I could think about was you. I missed you...so fucking much. It was like hell on earth...Every day I wondered what was going on at home...and I felt horrible that I couldn’t be there for you…”
Regulus drew his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs.
“Why did you stop with the letters?” Regulus finally asked, his voice sounding dry and weak, “They were all I had...they were….all…”
Sirius almost choked on his words when he said, “I was scared.” He wished he could say more. He wished he could give a valid excuse. But he didn't want one.
Regulus blinked and in the dim candlelight he looked so broken, and Sirius knew. Sirius knew it was his fault. Sirius had destroyed a human being completely and utterly, and it hadn’t even been someone he hated. It hadn’t even been Snivellus or Bellatrix or Mulciber. It had been the one person he thought he cared about most.
“Reggie…” Sirius whispered, “I’m sorry that I didn’t notice.”
There was a pregnant pause.
“Don’t call me that.”
Sirius felt as though he had been stabbed, “I…”
But Regulus interrupted him, “Only my brother can call me that. The brother that was there for me when no one else was. That protected me. That led me. That’s not you.”
“I’m sorry…”
“That’s not you, Sirius.”
“It is me...I...I’m…”
“No.” Regulus’s voice trembled but he sounded determined, “That’s not you. If you were my brother Sirius, you would have protected me from the bullies in the dungeon. You would have...you would have noticed me….starving….you would have helped me with my homework when I didn’t know how to do it...you would've sat with me in the library all those times I was alone because I don’t have friends...that’s the brother Sirius was to me. That’s not you.”
Sirius had failed to protect his brother from himself. And that was the problem. Because Sirius was the biggest fucking monster around. “I….I’m so incredibly sorry, Regulus.”
“That’s not going to cut it.” His brother answered, his whole body vibrating angrily, “You hurt me more than our parents ever could.”
Sirius got up, and Regulus got up too, taking quick long strides to the door ripping it open. Sirius jumped forward and grabbed Regulus’s shoulders.
“Let go of me, you bastard!” But Regulus was weak, and he had gotten so skinny that all he could do was stand there as Sirius stepped forward and embraced his tiny body.
Regulus had forgotten what it felt like to be hugged. He had forgotten what it felt like to enjoy touch.
“Let go of me.” He whispered, but his voice broke and he buried his face into Sirius’s neck.
Sirius could feel tears running down his own neck, “Never. I’ll never let you down again, Reggie. Never.”
Regulus sniffed, and let his whole body shake as he wrapped his arms around his older brother. He wanted to be angry but this felt too good. This was all he had wanted for the past year. All in one moment.
“Come on..” Sirius whispered and pulled his younger brother out the door and down the stairs, “I always told you I’d give you a tour of Hogwarts, right?”
Regulus wiped the corner of his eyes, "Yeah but you're a liar. You said that when we got here we could spend all our time together without mother and father on our asses."
"Well they're not here are they?"
"Yeah," Regulus looked away again, "But neither are you."
Sirius was determined, "I am now, Reg. I am."
Sirius let the door shut behind them loudly, not caring that the sound echoed through the halls of the castle. “There are these strawberry plants that grow to the left of the castle, and no really knows they are there, but I wanted to show them to you because they kind of reminded me of those strawberry fields we used to visit with Uncle Alphard. Remember that? He’s an old knutter isn’t he…” Sirius continued to ramble on, “I thought you’d like it but….”
"I thought you forgot about that," Regulus murmured.
They stopped once they reached the plants Sirius had been talking about, “Reg….I’ve been avoiding you...and that’s unfair of me….Nothing you did was wrong...but….I’ve been scared. Whenever I spend time with you or Andy or...well the others...it just reminds me of home. And,” He laughed bitterly, “That’s not always fun.”
“I understand.” Regulus whispered, surprising himself, “I don’t like being reminded of home either.”
Sirius smiled sadly, “Not all of it is bad though, right? We still have each other…” He plucked a few berries off of the plant and handed one to Regulus. They popped the fruit into their mouths.
“It’s shit isn’t it?” Sirius said happily.
Regulus nodded, “Yeah. Really tastes like Uncle Alphard's.”
“That’s what I thought too!”
The both of them laughed a bit before spitting out the berries and tossing the remains into a nearby bush the way they always used to do when visiting their uncle.
“Probably fuckin poisonous,” Sirus hummed, “but then again we have yet to die.”
Regulus agreed, wiping the remains of one of the weirdly soggy strawberries off on his trousers, “I hope it kills us.”
“Me too,” Sirius said squinting at the strawberry plants and ripping off two more red berries. He handed one to Regulus. “Not even sure if these can be called strawberries.”
Regulus smiled and popped it into his mouth.
And suddenly, just for a moment, everything was back to how it used to be.