They Were up to No Good

The next few days Lily didn’t seem to know what to do with herself. Even when Remus came back and acted completely normal, laughing and talking with everyone else, she couldn’t help but glare at his fingernails or stare into his eyes. She even tried to get a good look at his arms, to see whether he was growing extra hair, which was slightly creepy of her she must admit, but it was difficult to tell anyway seeing as he was always wearing long sleeves. Maybe that's why he was wearing long sleeves. But then again Lily remembered seeing a scar once... She had assumed it to be from the accident Remus was rumoured to have been in when he was younger but it must've been because of his...condition. Lily swallowed uneasily. 

“Hey, are you angry at me?” Remus asked her one time, at supper while she had been staring at him quite intensely for the past few minutes. His eyes were warm, light, brown today.

“Hm? No. Of course not.” Lily said, quickly looking away and filling her mouth with pasta.

“Oh. Ok. It’s just you’ve kind of been staring at me so I… thought...I don’t know...sorry.”

Remus’s face started going that adorable light pink it always went when he got flustered and Lily felt butterflies float around in her stomach. 

“No! No, it’s ok. Sorry, I’m just...tired.” Also, your eyes get browner the further away we are from a full moon and orange and yellower the closer we are, she thought to herself. 

“You have pretty eyes.” Lily finally burst out. 

“Huh?!” Remus asked, taken aback, looking completely overwhelmed. He quickly raised a goblet to his lips, and Lily could see that his face was getting even redder by the second. 

Oh my god, I shouldn’t have said that. “Nevermind!" 

Opposite her Peter started giggling, nudging Sirius with his elbow. 

Lily averted her eyes and pushed some more pasta into her mouth.  

After she finished her food Lily got up to leave but before she could someone grabbed her arm. 

“You know.” Intense grey eyes stared into her own. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Black.” Sirius's eyes never once shifted or blinked. Lily couldn't help but notice how close he was. 

"Let go of me, Black." 

Sirius's eyes flicked downwards to where he was grabbing her forearm. He let go. “You know what Remus has. Why didn’t you tell me? What is it?”

“Nothing. I mean- I don’t know.”

Sirius knit his eyebrows together, obviously not believing her.

“I don’t know Black.”

“Fine. If you won't tell me at least tell me this-”

“Sirius-”

“-Is Remus ok?”

Lily stopped short, trying to detect humour in the boy's voice, or eyes but all she could see was an earnest sort of curiosity. 

“He seems ok, today but-”

“You’re worried about him,” Lily whispered, almost not being able to believe it. 

“Of course I am, he's my friend.”

“I know it’s just…” With all the times that the marauders had teased each other and laughed at each other and pulled pranks with each other and even on each other, Lily had never really realised that they also had a serious relationship with each other. That they actually cared outside of being silly and stupid, “...Yes, he’s ok.” 

She hoped she wasn't lying. 

Sirius nodded, and for the first time, his eyes shifted away from her, “Ok. Good.”

Sirius turned to leave but before he did, he turned around one last time, and Lily could see that the hands in his pockets were curled into fists, “Why won’t you tell me? Not Remus, not you. Neither of you will tell me. Why?”

Lily almost felt guilty but before she could lie she said the first truth that came to her mind, “I don’t trust you.” 

Sirius gave a soft, bitter, laugh before his face fell like a kicked puppy and muttered, “Then I guess, Remus doesn’t trust me either.” 

Lily glanced at the ground not knowing what to say, almost not wanting to console him.  This was Sirius Black they were talking about after all.

But when Sirius started to leave once again she watched as his figure exited the great hall, and she couldn't help but feel almost bad for him. 

_ _ _ _

“Oi, Black.” The portrait door opened and Fabian and Gideon Prewett walked in, sporting a glass jar filled with bright purple petals. “We got those dinosaur petals you asked us about.” 

“Ah cheers.” Next to Remus, Sirius jumped up from the couch and reached into his pocket, pulling out a few gold coins tossing them over to Fabian who caught them in one hand. Remus turned to look at what was happening and immediately felt his face heat up at the sight of the Prewett twins, their last interaction still not forgotten. He spun his head back around, sliding down into the couch praying not to be seen, and started to fumble with his sweater zipper, pretending that he was doing something.

Suddenly on his right, he could feel the cushions on the couch sink down as someone sat next to him. The hairs on the back of his neck seemed to stand up, as his cheeks burned. Why was it so difficult to talk to this person?

“Remus Lupin.” 

Remus tried not to let his eyes widen too much, at the sound of the other boy's buttery voice. Crap, crap, crap, crap. 

“Gideon Prewett.” 

He could detect a hint of a smile, in Gideon's voice when he said, “What do you lot need those dinosaur petals for, anyway?”

“Nothing. I mean, no reason.” Remus said nervously, avoiding Gideon's eye contact. 

Gideon didn’t say anything for a while and Remus listened to the soothing sound of Sirius talking to Fabian. Just focus on Sirius, he thought to himself miserably. It's fine. He's here.

It's not like he was scared of Gideon. He wasn't scared. But the feeling he felt around Gideon, with his heart racing, and his hands trembling reminded him a lot of fear, and so he thought of coping with it the same way he would cope with fear. 

“I wanted to apologize,” Gideon said finally. “For what you saw.”

“Saw? Oh! You mean, when- Oh. Ok.”

Remus took a deep breath. Sirius laughed somewhere behind him. Sirius laughing. It's fine. Calm yourself, Lupin. 

“It must have been….uncomfortable. For you.” Gideon continued. And suddenly he was the one stammering, “I’m sorry if it was....um you know kind of...well weird. Or...you know gross or something.”

“Huh?” Remus managed to choke out. Finally, he turned to look at Gideon, just to see that Gideon's eyes were focused on the fireplace. 

“Well you know, I wasn’t really acting like...myself. I wasn’t really acting like um...like I should you know? Like a man. I’m almost fourteen so I should...well it’s time for me to grow up you know?”

Remus didn’t know what to say. Somehow the words coming out of Gideon's mouth didn't seem like Gideons. “Oh. Yeah. Sure.”

“I don’t usually wear makeup.” Gideon continued almost desperately. “And I don’t like it. It was just a one-time thing.”

“Yeah. Of course. Sure.” 

“Look, Remu!” Suddenly the couch bounced as Sirius jumped down next to Remus swinging his arm around the smaller boy. He pushed the Jar filled with the purple petals into Remus’s hand, “Viola, monsieur. Velenatrocus petals just for you.” 

Remus could almost feel relief melt off of him. “Thanks, Sirius. You didn’t have to- I actually completely forgot about the..." He hesitated, "dinosaur petals.” 

“Velenatrocus Petals, Rem. Not dinosaur.” Sirius said and Remus looked away his cheeks trembling from the effort of trying not to smile. Sirius had remembered. Of course, he had you almost ripped Peter's head off when he called them dinosaur petals, Remus chided himself. 

Gideon’s eyes flicked between Sirius and Remus for a moment before he looked away again and got up, from the couch, to follow his brother up the stairs to their dorm. 

He looked back, “See you around Remus.”

“What were you guys talking about?” Sirius asked watching the Prewett twins leave and shifting closer to Remus, stretching out his arm on the top of the couch. 

“Um. P-petals.” 

“Petals?” 

“Yes.” 

“Really? Just the petals? Cause you seem kinda nervous. Your face is that adorable pink colour- ow!”

“I’m always nervous, Sirius, leave me alone!” Remus cried, hitting his friend. 

“Jeez, ok.” Sirius held up his hands. “...Wanna go annoy James at Quidditch practice?”

Remus let out a breath, “I thought you’d never ask.”

_ _ _ _

While Remus and Sirius were waiting for James to finish changing out of his Quidditch gear in the changing room, Sirius turned to Remus, biting his lip. 

“Do you trust me?”

“Huh?” Remus looked away from the Quidditch pitch, and at Sirius whose, growing black hair was whipped behind his ears from the wind. “Yeah. Of course.”

Sirius knit his eyebrows together but didn’t say anything. Remus could tell that Sirius had just asked him something he'd been wanting to ask for a while.

“What's wrong Sirius? Of course, I trust you.”

“You’re just…secretive,” Sirius murmured looking away as if it was an embarrassing thing to say. "You know, James and Pete agree." 

Remus sighed. It was true- he couldn’t deny it. Remus had never thought of himself as some sort of a mystery but he knew that he wasn’t letting on much from the outside. 

"You know-" Sirius started, again, his voice growing louder, "James actually once said that sometimes he thinks you're too secretive-"

Remus scoffed.

"-and that sometimes you don't show who you really are."

"Well, that's bollocks."

“Sometimes-” Sirius stopped himself but then continued after a second of hesitation. “Sometimes, we share these moments and I think...I think you understand me like no one else does, and I think that I know everything about you. But then...but then I look into your eyes and I realise that I know nothing about you. Nothing.” 

Remus blinked, suddenly feeling stung. “Nothing?” 

"Remus-"

"Nothing Sirius? Nothing? Come on."

“What colour are your eyes, then Remus?”

“What?”

Sirius almost wanted to laugh at the feeling of deja vu. He really needed to stop asking people about Remus’s eyes. 

“What colour are your eyes, Remus?”

Remus spluttered for a moment, “Brown? I don’t know! Right now, you mean?”

“That’s the issue. ' Right now.' Most people’s eye colours don’t just change randomly. I know there's a reason for it. And I know you know it. But you won’t tell me. You don’t ...trust...me.”

“I do trust you, Sirius! But I can’t….”

“I….” Sirius’s eyes searched the ground in front of him as if he was looking for an answer engraved into the grass. 

“You’re my friend, Sirius.” Remus said, “trust me, ok? Just this once....you’re...you’re my friend.”

Sirius paused, before asking glumly. “Really?”

“Yes. Yes, Sirius.” Remus laughed, “What do you think we’ve been doing these past two years if not develop a friendship? Why do you even think we spend time together?”

“I don’t know…” Sirius said going slightly pink, which was not a very often occurrence, “I just didn’t think…”

“OI GUYS, DID YOU SEE THAT?” James yelled running towards them and jumping onto Remus for a hug. “I NEARLY DID A FLIP! IT WAS GREAT!”

Remus laughed pushing James off of him, his brown eyes twinkling slightly. Sirius observed the way that the corner of Remus’s eyes crinkled when he smiled, and for what was perhaps the first time in his life Sirius was annoyed at James for showing up. 

He quickly shook off the feeling. 

_ _ _ _

His first few months at Hogwarts had passed by quickly and rather distastefully uneventfully, the youngest Black brother thought to himself. Regulus Black spent his days going to classes, doing homework, sleeping and most importantly avoiding the members of his house. He knew that his older brother disapproved of him being a Slytherin, and sometimes he couldn't blame him. But it wasn't like it was his fault. Generations of Blacks had been in the house of Salazar Slytherin. There was no surprise when he was sorted just like the rest of the family.

Except maybe there was.

Regulus would never forget the look on his brother's face when he was sorted. 

Even when often he wanted to forget. 

Wanted to forget the endless squeezing he felt in the pit of his stomach. The discomfort, the nausea, the...pain. 

Even though he and Sirius had made up, the young Slytherin knew that things could never be the same between them. He would never crawl into Sirius's bed at midnight. He would never write poems with his brother in the dim candlelight. They would never sit by the fireplace and toss their wishes for the future into the fire, and watch as their scraps of parchment curled up and floated in the air, before dissolving in the bite of the flames. They would never drink stolen strawberry champagne on the roof of their house looking down at the roofs of muggle apartments, with their white picket fences.

Strawberry champagne...Regulus scoffed. Sirius had probably not even realised it when he'd mixed the same strawberry champagne they used to steal from their parents, into his stupid drink during Christmas. 

Regulus shivered as the memory of the family Christmas dinner flooded his memory. The blank expression that took over his usually so full of life brother haunted him in his dreams. He knew that what his mother had done was wrong.

But then again, somehow, maybe Sirius had deserved it.

It had always been a riddle to him where his brother's constant need for rebellion came from. If Sirius would just keep his head down and do what was expected of him, maybe he wouldn’t have to suffer so much. Maybe Regulus wouldn't have to suffer so much. 

It’s not like it would kill him to agree with their mother once. Even if he was just pretending. 

Regulus was pretending all the time. If he could do it so could his brother. 

Sirius just didn't care enough. 

He should. 

Should he?

Should Regulus? 

Regulus rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked around the dorm. The walls were a deep oak and dipped the room in a sort of mysterious glamour. Regulus’ bed was closest to the bathroom and a little bit further away from the beds of his three roommates. Opposed to the Gryffindor dorms, the Slytherins beds were all covered in dark green sheets and surrounded by dark, forest green curtains. Regulus slowly drew back these curtains as he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.

He was the first one awake.

This wasn’t uncommon, since Regulus had always had trouble sleeping. When he was younger he would always have Sirius to comfort him...but he couldn't do that anymore. He had to fight the nightmares by himself now. He entered the bathroom and shook his head at the state of it. It was just as messy as you would expect it to be from four eleven year old boys living together. There were clothes everywhere, and no one bothered to organize their belongings in the slightest.  Regulus hated sharing a bathroom, but since he was up so early no one really bothered him in the morning. He took a quick shower and stepped in front of the mirror.

The boy that looked back at him seemed different but...familiar. The same high cheekbones and small lips. The same dark, wavy hair that fell into his eyes sometimes. The same piercing grey eyes he and his brother shared. Sometimes it scared him how much alike he and Sirius looked. 

Did people see Sirius when they looked at him? 

Did his parents? 

Did it matter?

Sirius wouldn't think it mattered. 

Did it matter what Sirius thought? 

Regulus splashed some cold water onto his face. Fuck.

As he was making his way down to the great hall he looked around. It was always quiet around this time, especially in the dungeons, since Slytherins weren’t particularly fond of mornings. This was something Regulus had also found out recently- Slytherins had the worst case of morning moodiness that the boy had ever seen. Though his housemates weren’t generally the personification of sunshine their mood was the worst early in the morning. He knew better than to wake up his dormmates for an early morning trip to the library, after trying once and having to go to the infirmary for the tongue swell jinx he had been hit with. 

The Slytherin table in the great hall was practically abandoned save for a few 6th years that appeared to be doing some last minute homework before classes. Regulus sat down somewhere in the middle of the table and left enough room around him and the other students so that he wasn’t forced into conversation but also didn’t seem too impolite. The breakfast table had already been set magically. Regulus tapped his long fingernails onto the wood of the table. 

Eat.

He was supposed to be eating. 

That's what people did at breakfast. 

He looked around and saw another Slytherin boy, who looked to be around fourth year, flip a page in his textbook before tossing a piece of bacon in his mouth. 

Regulus looked away, his stomach churning.

He tapped his nails, again.

His stomach pinched in that odd, horrible feeling again.

Hunger.

It was probably hunger.

So he began to eat.

He picked up something small; a toast with his favourite strawberry jam, as it always reminded him of the good summers at Uncle Alphard's. He nibbled softly on the corner, feeling as though he were betraying himself, as he let memories of picking through Alphards strawberry fields with Sirius sift through his mind. Even though he found the man quite strange, those were the best days he and Sirius probably ever had together. 

He had never enjoyed breakfast, or any meal really as long as he could remember. Sometimes when he was younger he would go days without eating just to see how long he could hold on for. He liked the feeling of hunger. The discomfort. 

That probably wasn't very healthy.

His parents had forced him to stop anyway. 

He didn't do that anymore.

Not at home. 

For The Nobel Most Ancient House of Black, every meal had to be a huge deal, and recently there had barely been a meal without a fight or someone storming off to bed without supper. The younger Black always tried to keep quiet and not upset his parents but Sirius never really deemed this necessary. He and their mother would always fight even though it rarely ended as drastically as Christmas. 

Rarely. 

Regulus’ thoughts were abruptly interrupted by obnoxious laughter, and he looked up suddenly, dropping his toast.

Regulus knew that laugh.

Everyone knew that laugh.

The marauders had entered the Great Hall. 

His natural instinct told him to shrink away so he wasn’t seen. He hadn’t talked to his older brother since their encounter in the Hallway, and even though the two of them had made up, Regulus felt...strange. He didn’t know what he had expected to come from the conversation, really, but he had hoped that maybe things would start to go back to how they used to be. Maybe had hoped that Sirius would talk to him more, or include him in pranks, or inside jokes, or let him hang around his friends, or protect him from his cousins or- or something. But at the same time, Regulus hated himself for relying on his brother for these things. His hands started trembling, and he picked up his half eaten toast. 

Finish it. 

Luckily he was saved by his cousins entering the hall, already whispering amongst themselves. Narcissa and Andy sat down next to him and Andy began to chat off his ear about something important, he was sure. But he couldn’t concentrate on a single thing she was saying. His eyes were glued on the Gryffindor table, unable to look away from his brother, as he laughed and his entire face lit up. His grey eyes looked so bright from where Regulus was sitting. The Lupin boy next to Sirius rolled his eyes and said something with a tiny smile on his face and Sirius leaned back snorting so loudly Regulus could hear it. Potter ran his hands through his hair and high five Remus and Sirius said something to the short, blonde one, and once again they were all laughing.

Regulus had never seen Sirius as happy as he seemed to be in Gryffindor. Regulus didn’t know why but that after that thought, there was a rage that flared up in his stomach.

How come his brother never seemed this content when they were together?

Regulus couldn’t help but feel a little...replaced. 

He shook his head, forcing himself to look away. The gesture made his short locks fall into his eyes and as he was about to raise his hand to brush it behind his ear there was a loud bang from the Gryffindor table. Narcissa, who was sitting right next to him squeaked, holding her hands over her ears. There was a moment of silence but then the entire great hall erupted into laughter when they saw that the small Pettigrew boy had simply tried to heat up his tea, and seemed to have blown it up instead. Regulus shook his head in annoyance and stood up to leave. 

“Where are you going, Reggie?” Andy's voice was calm and kind, a welcome contrast to Narcissa who had grabbed his wrist with a force he did not know she possessed. 

“Oh um, Library?” He said weakly. 

"Finish your toast." Andy said at the same time that Narcissa snarled, “Sit down. You can’t let him let you affect him like that.”

Regulus sat back down. He knew they were right. It had become a habit to always leave the great hall when he saw his brother. He couldn’t keep doing that. 

When breakfast was over, Regulus decided to walk to class with Severus since they both had their first class in the dungeons. They were talking about a potion Regulus had been brewing in class when someone knocked Snape’s books out of his hands. The books splattered all over the hard floor. The younger boy turned and saw Sirius and that James Potter snickering

This was enough to set Regulus over the edge.

How dare his brother disrespect another member of his house like that? How dare he take joy in it? 

“Oi Sirius, what the fuck is your problem?” Although Regulus was tired it came out much louder than he intended to. 

“Hm, my problem?" Sirius barely bat an eye, "Probably the trail of grease Snivellus leaves behind. I almost slipped, thought he deserved some payback.” He said all of this without missing a beat.

How could he be so calm and collected?

How was this the same brother Regulus had grown up with?

He was stunned, that his brother could be such a....dick. 

“By Merlins Beard, Sirius would you stop being such a bloody wanker?" He turned away and muttered, "You know better than to disrespect Slytherin and me like that.” 

Sirius snorted. “Disrespect Slytherin? What makes you think I give a single fuck about Slytherin, Reggie?” A smile tugged at his lips.

Regulus was furious. 

Regulus was hungry. 

Regulus was...tired

“Don’t call me that.” The rage in his stomach only grew, “You always act like you are so much better than me Sirius. But you and I both know that you are a Black just like me. A red and gold tie won’t change that.” He practically spat the words at his older brother. How dare this person call him a name that was only reserved for his brother? This wasn't Sirius. If Sirius were here right now, he would be protecting Regulus. He would act confident, even if he was nervous, he would stand in front of his younger brother, he would tell a joke and make him laugh even when all he wanted to do was cry. This wasn't Sirius. 

“I am nothing like the rest of you.” Sirius's voice was calm.

Too calm. 

“Yeah?" This wasn't Sirius. This wasn't the one friend Regulus had ever had, growing up. This wasn't the boy that Regulus had looked up to for the past ten years. This wasn't his brother. "Keep telling yourself that. But when you realise that you have just as much Black blood in your veins as the rest of us you’ll be alone. You’re an embarrassment." This wasn't Sirius. This wasn't his brother. Regulus's hands were trembling, "And I despise being related to you. Mother was right, you should be disowned." 

This wasn't his brother. Regulus sneered, "I hope you get disowned.”

The last sentence hit Sirius hard.

Regulus could see it in his eyes. He didn't know what he was planning on doing but he was about to take another step forward when James also took a step and was now standing slightly in front of Sirius.

The gesture made Regulus sick to his stomach.

It was so...brotherly. He remembered all the times Sirius had pushed himself in front of his younger brother, so he would be the receiver of their mother's rage, rather than Regulus.

Whatever, he thought, let Potter be his brother then. 

It seemed as though Sirius was collecting himself. 

“I don’t need you, Reggie. I have a brother.” And with that both he and James turned around and walked away.

Reggie.

It was only ok when Sirius called him that. But Sirius wasn't here. Regulus would never see Sirius again.

Even Though Regulus had been thinking the same thing only moments ago, it still hurt, coming from Sirius like that. He was about to fire a jinx at his brothers head when Remus stepped in front of him and gave him a dangerous look. The younger Black brother lowered his wand, turned around and walked away, trying not to show how hurt he was by Sirius’ words. 

"Didn't you and Regulus make up?" He faintly heard Remus ask from a distance.

He didn't hear the answer.

I don't need you Reggie. I have a brother. The words kept repeating in his head. Over and over again.