Summer 1972
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Dear Sirius,
how's your summer going? I hope your mum isn’t giving you too much of a bad time, I know how she can be sometimes. I was just talking to my dad and he said that I should bring some of that Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion to school when we go back since my hair is, “all over the place”. The only reason I agreed was because I thought we could experiment around with it! Who knows what my parents put in that stuff to keep everyone's hair so silky? What if we find something really cool for a prank! Anyway, write back soon.
James
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Bonjour, Remus!
I’m in france! How’s your summer going? I’m really bored, you would think france is more fun than this but it’s basically just baguettes and the eiffel tower. Enid also dragged me to this really boring wizard museum about the french revolution. Ugh, as if I wasn’t already bored enough without needing another history of magic lesson. I really miss you guys.
Peter
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Dear James,
Wait, wait, wait YOU’RE PARENTS ARE THE SLEEZY HAIR PEOPLE? HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS!
Sirius
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Remus,
JAMES’S PARENTS ARE THE SLEEKEAZY’S HAIR POTION PEOPLE! WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS WAS ESTABLISHED?
Sirius
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Dear Sirius,
I would’ve expected you to make the connection between two rich, pureblood, Fleamont Potters. There really aren’t that many of them.
Remus
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Remus,
Touche ;)
Sirius
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Dear Sirius,
GUESS WHAT!? I found an invisibility cloak in my dads study! Imagine all the pranks we can pull off with this?? AHhhhh this is gonna be so great! I can practically smell freedom and mischief!
James
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Sirius,
Imagine what we can do with an invisibility cloak? No more detention!
Peter
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Dear James,
will your parents let you take it to school? That would be amazing! Invisibility cloaks are so rare, these days!
Remus
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Oi, Sirius! Wanna come to my house for a few weeks before term starts?
James
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Siriussssss
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Sirius...are you alright? Please answer me
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James,
Sorry for not answering sooner. My parents had this fancy dinner party thing and I kinda got in trouble. I don’t think they’re happy at all...I’ll write as soon as I can.
Sirius
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Sirius,
Don’t get into more trouble! Write back as soon as you can!
James
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Have you heard from Sirius lately?
Peter
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Sirius,
Is everything alright?
Remus
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Sirius, we’re worried about you
James
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James,
Don’t worry about me, mate everything is fine, tell Remus and Pete. I should be able to come. My parents don’t want me in the house anyway so I should be all good. Is two weeks from now ok for you?
Sirius
_ _ _ _
Everything smelled like blood.
That was the first thing Remus thought when he woke up. It wasn’t a great way to start the summer, but it certainly wasn’t anything new. Remus groaned quietly, feeling his throat close up, like something was trying to claw its way out of it. He coughed a dry pathetic cough and felt specs of blood fly out of his mouth and land on his cracked lips. Remus tried to open his eyes finding that his eyelids stuck together as if his lashes were glued onto each other. The whole left side of his body throbbed miserably and when he tried to move his arm he felt nothing there but a hollow numbness. For a moment he thought the wolf may have ripped his arm off of him but if his arm was gone would it really hurt that much? Breathing in the bitter scent of blood Remus tried to go back to sleep. Pain was only worse for the conscious.
Soon though Remus was woken up once again, this time lying in his bed feeling a warm breeze float in through his open window. He groaned quietly at the soft pounding in his left arm and tried to move his hand, failing.
“Shhh, Cariad.”
Someone gripped his arm more firmly. Remus opened his eyes, this time successfully, and saw his mother sitting by his bed, bandaging up his arm.
“Don’t look, Remus.” She whispered stroking his hair, as he watched the once white bandages soak up with blood in a matter of seconds. But Remus didn’t look away. He wanted to see what the wolf had done to him. He wanted to see what he had done to him.
“Will it scar?” Remus asked.
Hope avoided his question, her cinnamon eyes darting to the floor, and handed him a glass of water. “Shhh, Cariad.”
Remus gulped down the water miserably, letting the coolness of it sting the inside of his throat.
_ _ _ _
Sirius heard the dinner bell ring through the house, and echo all the way upstairs seeming to slither up the corridors to his room. He could practically see the rust colored bell in his mind, as the harsh sound registered in his ears. The Bell his mother only used when the entire family was there. Yes. All of them, every single one of his rotten family members. The only good news was that Uncle Alphard was there too, along with his cousin, Andy. To his family, Andy may have been a little questionable but she was a Slytherin which meant that at least she was better than Sirius. Sirius really regretted yelling at her right now. He hadn’t been completely happy about it at any point in time but right now it seemed even worse than it had before. Regardless, once Sirius had made his way downstairs he found her as soon as he could and stood next to her, if not behind her the tiniest degree.
“Sirius,” Andy said, not looking at him.
“Andromeda,” Sirius said quietly. She was wearing a long silk green dress, with her dark hair tied into a bun and little strands falling out in waves. Resting on her collarbone Sirius saw a small emerald green snake, hanging from a chain around her neck.
“A gift from your mum,” Andy explained when she saw him looking.
“Charming.” Sirius muttered.
“Fuck off, I like snakes.” Andy hissed, in a way that she never would have if it weren't for their fight.
“Of course you do!” Sirius hissed back before he could stop himself. Andy stared at him coldly then turned away.
“Why are you here? Apparently, you don’t need my help anymore.”
Sirius bit his lip and looked away too.
“Go on,” Andy continued bitterly, “Don’t hide behind me. Go out and venture off, why don’t you?”
“Lay off,” Sirius murmured, stepping back to dodge a house-elf as it skirted past him.
Andy leaned down, and picked up a glass of champagne, from where another house-elf was hurrying around with a silver platter of drinks. “No, you lay off, Sirius. What you did was seriously fucked up. All I ever did was be there for you, and you fucked me over.”
“Well, I didn’t ask for that! I didn’t ask for any of this.”
“Neither did I!”
They looked at each other for a moment, and Sirius felt a flood of guilt wash through him. If only he could take back his words. His actions. Everything. He just wanted it to go back to how it used to be. He wanted it so badly that he physically felt the pain of it in his gut.
“You need to stop pushing me away Sirius,” Andromeda said softly.
“I know.” Sirius answered. He did. He knew, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“Andromeda,” A tall man stepped up to them and took Andy’s hand softly kissing it. “How tall you’ve grown.” He had a pencil mustache and his eyes were a dark cold grey like what Black’s often were.
“It’s good to see you, Uncle Lycoris.” Andy replied swiftly, though Sirius could see her shoulders tense up the tiniest fraction.
“Sirius,” Lycoris turned towards Sirius and observed him for a moment. Sirius knew that he knew he was in Gryffindor. Everyone at the party knew. And no one was happy about it. Sirius barely even knew how he was related to this man, (some uncle of his father's maybe?) but he knew that this wouldn’t be the only person to hesitate at the sight of him.
“It’s great to see you again, Lycoris,” Sirius said. And before he could lose his nerve, “Very fancy mustache you’ve got going.”
Lycoris continued to stare at him unblinkingly before saying, “Yes, thank you, Sirius.”
After he left, Andy turned towards Sirius and slapped his arm, “What the fuck? What the fuck was that, Sirius? You can’t do that. Not anymore! Not now that you’re in Gryffindor do you understand?”
“Oh come on...It’s not like they can like me any less than they already do.”
Andy’s eyes widened, “It’s not about them liking you!”
“Well, what is it about then!”
“You know what it’s about.”
They stared at each other in silence and then sat down on some chairs in the back living room far away enough from most guests that no one would talk to them, but not far away enough for their mothers to accuse them of hiding. They stayed there for a few minutes until Regulus walked up to them and sat down next to them, pulling at his collar where someone, probably Walpurga, had tied an emerald green tie around his neck.
“Hey, guys.”
“Hi,” They said back, solemnly.
“Nice tie.” Sirius muttered bitterly. Only last year he had been wearing an identical one, but now that he was in Gryffindor he had no use of it anymore. He used to hate wearing it (he tried everything to get it off until Waplurga decided to stick it one with magic one year) but now he almost missed it. At least back then he hadn’t stuck out amongst his family like a sore thumb. At least back then he could pretend to fit in.
“Sirius.” Andy hissed. “It’s not his fault.”
Regulus looked away.
“I never said it was.” Sirius bit back.
“Stop right now, Sirius! I don’t know what has gotten into you, but you need to snap out of it!”
Sirius leaned back in his chair and looked down the corridor where he could see one of his aunts or great aunts or cousins or whoever she was, light a cigarette. He couldn’t explain it but he felt a boiling rage inside of him like just the tiniest thing could push him over the edge and cause him to freak out at everyone. He knew none of this was Regulus’s fault, or Andy’s fault or anyone’s fault, other than his rotten parents and his own but he couldn’t make himself calm down. He couldn’t stop scowling at everyone that passed, and he couldn’t stop himself from being angry at Andy and his little brother. How come they found it so much easier to fit in? How come they could pretend for so long, to be someone they weren’t? And why was Sirius the odd one out? Why him? Why couldn’t he just be like everyone else in the family? Why couldn’t he just be a Slytherin? Sirius tugged at his white tie subconsciously. The white sheep of the Black family, how very ironic. Just then a loud voice boomed, “Hello, Blacks!”
Sirius, Andy, and Regulus all sat up straighter. “Uncle Alphard!”
A tall man with a curly moustache walked into the living room and straight towards the three children sitting on the couch in the back.
“Sirius!” Uncle Alphard opened his arms and embraced Sirius in a tight hug, “Handsome as ever!”
Sirius felt some of the tension leave his shoulders as he stepped back to allow his uncle to hug the other two.
“Andromeda! How beautiful you’re getting! How old are you now?”
Andy laughed, “Fifteen, Alphard you should know this by now!”
“Wow! I remember when you were just a child! And you Reggie! You’re finally growing too now aren’t you.”
Regulus blushed, “Finally?”
They laughed at his outraged expression, “I’m eleven now, Uncle! I’m not little anymore!”
Sirius immediately felt safer. Where the rest of his family was all dark, and hard, and cold, Alphard was fun, and warm and cunning. He reminded Sirius of the reason why he used to want to be in Slytherin. He reminded Sirius of the reason why Andy was in Slytherin. Andy and Alphard both being cunning, and ambitious and intelligent.
“Now, why don’t we go sit down at the table and get those house elves to pour us something nice?” Alphard said, loudly. He wasn’t necessarily loud on purpose but he naturally had a booming voice, that contrasted with his sister, Walpurga’s quietly dangerous whisper.
“But there are people there,” Regulus moaned, “and here it’s nice and empty.”
*Andy nodded uncomfortably, “I don’t like the way Uncle Arcturus has been looking at me…” She rubbed her hands along her bare arms and Sirius felt a cold chill in the pit of his stomach. He looked over to the connected room which happened to be the bigger and main living room where most of the guests were standing and talking. An old fat man, with startling black eyes was sitting in one of the many dark green armchairs, drinking a glass of blood red wine his eyes darting over to them every few seconds. Or not them, Andy. Sirius suddenly became ultra-aware of his cousin’s sleeveless dress, bare shoulders and collarbone. He looked over at Uncle Alphard who’s entire demeanor had changed in a heartbeat. He stood up straighter and stared right at Arcturus, his eyes cold and menacing and his fists dangling by his sides.
Finally he said, “I’ll be right here with the three of you the whole time. Let’s go get a drink, at the table. It will be a long night.”
Regulus and Andy started following after their uncle but before they could leave Sirius grabbed his cousin's arm to stop her.
“Here,” He said quietly, ripping off his robes and handing them to her. “They’re itchy anyway.”
Her eyes widened, “You have to wear your dress robes, Sirius.”
“I’m still wearing a suit, and it looks basically like my dressrobes. No one will notice anything.”
They looked at each other for a moment before Andy grabbed the robes and slung them around her shoulders. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
* “Ewwww,” Regulus coughed and spluttered. He was lucky their parents were in the other room. “What was that?”
“Balkan Vodka.” Alphard replied, pouring himself another glass.
“Ugh. Never trying that again.” Regulus gulped down some water.
“Well, you’re only eleven Reggie,” Sirius said, taking a timid sip from the Vodka.
Andy shook her head, “I don’t understand you lot. Why would you even want to get drunk at a moment like this?”
“What better moment is there?” Sirius replied.
Alphard sighed deeply, “These things only get worse as you get older kiddos. You gotta learn how to numb it all early on.”
“That’s mad.” Andy shook her head again.
“Well,” Sirius picked up different coloured bottles and pushed his glass closer to him, “In five years while you’re prancing around the room with your ugly sisters Reggie and I will be sitting in the corner getting drunk and waiting for it all to be over.”
He poured some Sunset Rum into his glass, and then followed it with Strawberry champagne, cherry juice, and some slices of orange.
“That’s gonna taste like shit.” Andy eyed his drink.
“Do you want some?” He asked, unbothered.
“No.”
Sirius took a long swig of his drink and coughed, his face turning pink.
Alphard laughed, “take it easy.”
“And don’t call my sisters ugly, Sirius! You have no right to hate them.” Andy said as an afterthought.
“Then where are they right now?” Sirius wiped his mouth, “why aren’t you with them?”
Andy looked around, “Well, Bella is with Rodolphus Lestrange and Cissy wanted to see if she could find Malfoy."
“Ugh…” Sirius groaned, “Lestrange is here? AND Malfoy? I only just cursed him for making fun of Remus!”
Andy glared at him.
“Do you think I can get away with jinxing Bella during dinner today?”
“No.” Andy, Regulus and Alphard all said at the same time, each with different emotions. Andy stern, Regulus scared and Alphard, thoughtful.
The dinner bell rang again, this time signifying the actual start of the meal. Sirius groaned loudly.
“Please,” Andy pleaded, “Please behave.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, but then he saw Regulus’s pale face and big eyes, “Listen to her, Sirius.”
Sirius sighed then got up from his chair, moved to his designated seat close to the end of table, and stood behind his chair, his hands resting on the backrest. Andy and Regulus got up too, and Regulus came and stood next to Sirius while Andy moved to the seat opposite of Sirius.
“Mummy, please!”
“Bellatrix Black, you will sit at your assigned seat, I don’t care if it’s just Rodolphus.”
“ButMum!”
Bellatrix came and stood next to Andy behind the chair opposite of Regulus.
“Disappointed you can’t sit with dream boy?” Sirius drawled.
“Disappointed you didn’t die at birth?” Bellatrix hissed back.
“Right about now? Yeah, kind of.”
Bellatrix pulled a face.
“Thank you all, for coming to this year's annual dinner again!” Orion Black’s voice suddenly boomed through the room. Everyone was standing behind their chairs and Sirius felt the presence of his mother standing beside him, their shoulders so close that they could almost touch. Sirius swallowed nervously, and instead focused on his father standing at the end of the table his glass raised.
“Before we start I would like to congratulate my son Regulus Black,” He paused for some applause, “on starting his first year at Hogwarts in just a few weeks time.”
There was some more lighthearted applause. Sirius remembered when his father had said the same thing about him just a year ago, before he had turned into the biggest disappointment of the house. His grip on the chair tightened.
“Now, enjoy your meal and may we bring honor upon the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black and everyone acquainted with it!”
Sirius snorted softly. Sure. On both sides of him Regulus and Walpurga raised their glasses. Begrudgingly Sirius did the same. Then with one loud scrape sound, everyone pulled out the chairs and sat down. It was like a choreographed dance, and secretly it freaked Sirius out a little bit.
Slowly, all around him conversation started as the guests piled food onto their golden plates and filled their goblets (not the same glasses they just used to toast to Regulus that would be preposterous) with wine.
“Sirius,” Walpurga hissed, “where on earth did your dress robes go?”
Sirius looked down as if he had only just noticed that he wasn’t wearing them.
“Oh darn, I don’t know.”
Out of the corner of his eye he could see Andy shift nervously.
“Don’t play games with me Sirius.” Walpurga continued dangerously. “You look like a muggle!”
“No!” Sirius gasped slamming his goblet down on the table. “What will I do?”
Nex to Narcissa, aunt Druella looked over.
“I can’t go around looking like a...a...a muggle!” Sirius cried sarcastically.
“Stop this nonsense, Sirius! You’re acting like a fool, and I will not have you embarrass us again.” Walpurga said through gritted teeth.
“Well if I’m not embarrassing you what good am I?” Sirius asked, taking a sip from his goblet. Next to him Regulus dropped his fork and it clattered onto his plate. He paled and picked it up quickly ducking his head. Sirius turned to look at his brother, who was avoiding eye contact as he started to push around the food on his plate again. Sirius took a deep breath. For him. For Regulus.
“I’m sorry mother. Should I go and get another pair of dress robes?”
Walpurga observed him quietly. “No. I want you staying right here.”
For the first half hour or so everything went fine. Sirius sat quietly and pushed food around his plate thinking about other things. He thought about what he would do if James were here. Or Peter or Remus or Marlene or Dorcas or even Lily Evans that annoying redheaded girl. But even though he was being left alone for the most part Sirius knew something was going to happen. He could feel it in the air.
“Boy, where has your green tie gone? What is this white one you're wearing?” An old man from a few seats away asked. Sirius looked up, and realized it was him he was speaking to.
“I uh...I don’t have one.” Sirius said nervously. He didn’t recognize the old man and apparently, the old man didn’t recognize him either.
“Herbert, drink some more wine.” Walpurga suggested to the old man leaning forward. Absently he took another sip of his drink.
“Don’t talk unless spoken to, Sirius!” His mother growled.
“He did speak to me!” Sirius said. “Why would I speak to him, I don’t even know who he is!”
“Don’t show such disrespect to your granduncle!”
“Granduncle?”
“Walpurga dear, why doesn’t your son wear one of those...uh...one of those whatchamacallit uh…” Herbert started speaking again, and Sirius realized he was even older than he looked, “those Slythering ties like everyone else?”
“Well,” Walpurga answered stiffly, and Sirius noticed some of the other guests starting to look over, “That's because Sirius isn’t a Slytherin, Herbert.”
“Is there something wrong with the boy?” Herbert narrowed his eyes.
“You could say so,” Narcissa said.
“Hey!” Sirius cried.
“You know I could tell there was something wrong about him the very moment I lay my eyes on him…” Herbert continued, waving around his hands. Sirius felt his face heat up. “There’s something about...uh...something about…”
By now almost everyone at the table was looking over at their conversation, listening in.
“Those eyes, Walpurga. They’re not like yours or like your husbands. They’re….uh...they’re -what's the word-...they’re wild. Yes dear, wild.” He took a sip from his goblet. “That boy is not like the rest of us. I can tell, you see.”
Sirius could feel his hands start trembling. Bellatrix watched with glee in her eyes.
“Yeah I think he has a point actually,” She grinned. “What with him being in Gryffindor and all…”
There was a mumbling at that, as everyone sat at the table glared at Sirius, and started whispering.
“Remember when that other boy cheered?” Narcissa added quietly. She seemed to only be talking to Bellatrix, but it didn’t matter because everyone at the table could hear it. “And he said, ‘yes Sirius!’ as if they were both proud of the fact?”
“I didn’t-” Sirius protested.
“Quiet!” His mother snapped.
“But I wasn’t-”
“Enough!”
“I can tell, you see, I can’t tell.” Herbert was still mumbling. “There’s something wrong with that boy.”
Sirius thought he may be steaming by now. “It’s not my fault I’m in Gryffindor!” He shouted.
**“I said enough!” His mother yelled. “Apologize to your granduncle!”
“That’s not even a real word!”
“YES IT IS!”
“I’M NOT APOLOGIZING!”
“IMPERIO!” Walpurga raised her wand and suddenly the whole table was silent, everyone watching. Some in awe, some in disgust, some in fear, but most in glee. Sirius felt the all too familiar feeling of calm drape over his body, but by now he knew what it really signified. He felt as though he was underwater. Everything moved slowly, and lucidly, and although it felt calm, it was also eerie and dangerous, as if he was on the verge of drowning. He wasn’t getting enough air, not enough light, not enough control over his own body. After a moment that felt like a lifetime Sirius heard his command. Just do it and get it over with, a voice in his head said.
Sirius hesitated but only for a moment before choking out the words, “I’m sorry, Herbert.”
All that could be heard was the crackling of the fire in the fireplace and the soft, pat pat, of the house-elves' small feet walking around the room swapping dirty dishes for new clean ones. Slowly, everything resumed to normal and everyone started talking and eating again, and after a while, the house elves returned with dessert. Sirius stayed seated in the numb, silent and blurry state and when his mother finally retracted the Imperius curse a few hours later he felt so drained and exhausted all he could do was sit in his seat at the table focusing on his breathing, and tapping his fingernails against his skin to remind himself that he could move again and that he wasn’t underwater. He could feel tears build up in his eyes but he didn’t let them leave. Instead he just sat still. He could feel Andy and Reggie watching him too, their eyes burning him, with the humiliation of what had just happened. And late in the evening when all the guests finally got up to leave, no one forced Sirius to say goodbye, which might have been the only good thing to come from the whole day. The only two people Sirius did say goodbye to, were Alphard and Andy, and even that was barely a goodbye.
Alphard had just given him a quick hug and said, “Sirius, you need to be careful.”
And Sirius, still feeling numb and dizzy had just nodded, even though he knew he wasn’t good at being careful and that he probably never would be.
When it had been time for his cousins to leave Andy had just handed him back his dress robes and given him a quick hug, even quicker than Alphards, before following her sisters out the door.