First Day
She gripped the straps of her backpack tightly as she blankly stared at the structure and appearance of the place she was supposed to call school from now on. She took a deep breath, hoping it would calm her nerves down as she walked through the hallways on her very first day on this building. Hearing the laughters of the other students, either in groups or by two's, she couldn't help but feel that she was out of place.
The feeling is very different when you transfer schools on the first year of middle school, high school or college than when you transfer schools in the middle of middle school, high school or college. At least if you transfer during your first year, you'd all adjust together. You'd all start from scratch together. But if you transfer in your second, third, or fourth year? It's hard. By then, people have already adjusted, and they have already found their group of friends, while you, on the other hand, barely know anyone. You'd start from scratch alone. You couldn't just waltz in a group of students and ask them to let you in their circle. It doesn't work that way.
It felt like forever before Taeyeon's first three classes in the morning has ended. She was late in the first couple because she didn't know where those rooms were located. Luckily for the third class, the room was right next to the second class she had so she got there just in time. One thing she hated were the stares and gossips that most students were doing in front of her. They weren't even keeping it lowkey. Taeyeon knew that they probably were just curious of who she was, or were just trying to ask their other friends if she was present in any of their classes. She just silently shrugged, trying not to give a damn.
---
Lunch break has always been a fun and relaxing time for her. It was the time when she would sit with her friends at lunch and talk about whatever gossip they have heard in their respective classes. They almost would never run out of things to talk about because even if all the gossips have already run out, they'd start teasing and making fun of each other instead. She has always been more of a listener, but she always enjoyed watching her friends tease each other and listening to their never-ending stories, from telling stories about their crushes in science class to laughing at their math teacher's new hairdo. One hour was never enough for them. One hour was never enough for her.
However, standing in the middle of the cafeteria holding a tray containing her lunch while reminiscing her past lunch cafeteria moments with her friends made Taeyeon feel so lost. And she wanted nothing else but for the whole hour to end already. The other students seemed to have noticed her presence standing in the middle, and knowing that other students were staring and whispering because of her has started to affect her. She didn't know where to sit. How would she know where to sit? Was there even a table in this whole cafeteria who would want a stranger to sit with them?
Taeyeon had a back up plan though. If this whole hour doesn't work for her, she could just walk away from the cafeteria and eat the stick of gum she had brought with her today. That'll have to do. At least she could still look cool instead of looking like a loser who couldn't find any table to sit on during the first day of school's lunch break. Her forehead and palms started to sweat and although the feeling of having dozens of pairs of eyes on her was making her anxious, she decided to get through it. The urge to hang her head low was strong but why would she show weakness in front of all these people? She would just tolerate them and will make her lunch break even worse than it is. She didn't like unnecessary attention, but she knew that if she will continue just standing in the middle of the room, soon, she'll be the topic of the whole cafeteria until the hour was up.
Not here. Be strong.
Just act normal.
She started taking strides, one tile at a time, while sneakily side-eyeing the rows of tables she was currently passing by, trying to look for a vacant table, or perhaps a vacant spot where she could eat her lunch in peace.
One step.
Groups of girls in both tables, both groups sending her eye daggers, clearly sending her the mean girls sign that she can't sit with them. So she won't.
Two more steps.
The group in the right table are sitting on the table itself treating the benches as foot rests while throwing bits of food to the group of students in the left table. Troublemakers.
Three more Steps.
A group of guys eyeing her down with obvious lust. Instant skip.
This continued for the next rows of tables but most tables were already fully taken. Panic started to build up inside her when she realized that she's nearing towards the end but she still wasn't able to find somewhere to sit. With her eyes starting to work like a hawk's, she quickly but thoroughly scanned through the remaining rows of tables, looking for a space where she could eat her lunch in peace, and that was when her eyes stopped on a table at the corner of room. Literally the last table. It wasn't full unlike the majority of the other tables. There was only one person occupying it.
She glanced at the cafeteria line and noticed that there were only five people waiting for their lunches to be served. They didn't look like they were with her. And with the girl already halfway through her lunch, it also didn't look like she was waiting for anyone else. The girl's head was bent down and her brown hair was covering the side of her face so she couldn't really see what she looked like. But she was hungry and she didn't want to look for another table so she decided to take her chance.
"Excuse me."
Although she couldn't see her face, she knew that the person has stopped chewing. She took it as an indication that she heard her so she continued.
"Is this seat taken?"
The other girl didn't move an inch. She hoped that the girl would at least look up or show her face so she could at least base her answer through her facial expressions, but instead, all she was greeted back by was silence.
"May I sit here?"
A couple of seconds has passed and Taeyeon was about to open her mouth again but suddenly, the girl quickly chewed the food that was already in her mouth, while quickly cutting the meat on her plate then hurried eating it too. Taeyeon's eyes widened as she quickly realized that the girl must've misunderstood what she said.
"A-ah, no! I didn't mean it that way. I wasn't telling you to leave. You don't have to finish your meal quickly. I just wanted to know if I could share this table with you to eat my lunch. Is it okay?"
From her peripheral vision, she could see that some people were already staring at her. Deciding that it must be because she was still standing, she quickly made up a decision.
Silence means yes, right? Right.
Settling on the cafeteria bench opposite the other girl, and at the opposite far end as well, she placed her lunch tray on the table. She sneakily tried to at least catch a glimpse of her face but the other girl must have noticed it and hung her head even lower, making it completely impossible to see even her eyes. Her attention was soon diverted because as soon as her butt touched the bench, she heard a series of gasps and murmurs which ensued from the room.
With all the voices speaking at the same time, it was hard to comprehend what they were all saying but she managed to catch a few lines coming from table behind her, and she wasn't sure if the girl was even trying not to be heard or if it was the opposite.
"Oh my God! Why is she sitting with her?"
"Holy sh--. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure she just talked to her too!"
Taeyeon tried to look behind her to confirm if the murmurs were really directed against her, and she did, when literally everyone whom she met her eyes with were looking towards the direction of their table. She managed to catch some more lines when she did so.
"Is she her friend?"
"Knock some sense in your heads! There's no way she would have friends."
"Yeah, you're right. Maybe she just doesn't know that-"
Confused at what the sudden murmurs were about, she was just about to raise her eyebrows when she heard shuffling sounds from the opposite side of her table, blocking out the noise of the other murmurs in room. Taeyeon looked back to see the girl who was once sitting in the same table as her, now making her way out the cafeteria. She didn't even get a chance to see her face, to know her name or perhaps thank her for letting her sit in the same table as her, even if she didn't directly say anything.
Looking back at the girl's plate, she hasn't finished it yet. Or more like she didn't finish it. She didn't know. The noise in the cafeteria lessened a bit, although it didn't die down completely.
"Toldya she wasn't her friend. Did you see how she hurriedly stormed out of the cafeteria?"
"Yeah, you're right. She probably said or did something to make her cry."
"Hahaha! I guess so. Kudos to that girl then, for bravely doing so. I can't believe she even did so much as to go near her."
Taeyeon furrowed her brows, finding everything she was hearing as confusing. Made her cry? Who, me? She slowly continued to chew her food as she continued to digest everything that just happened? What was that commotion all about? More importantly, who was that girl?
---
"Hey, did you see that?"
"Mmitch mun?"
"What happened in the cafeteria earlier. What that girl just did."
"Myeah I thaw it."
"Do you agree with some of the rumors that she just sat on the same table as her just to say or do something mean? I heard the mean girls were even talking about trying to recruit her into their group." She scoffed at the thought. "How about you? What do you think?"
"Webb, ai th-"
"And before your answer, kindly have some manners. Chew and swallow your food properly first."
The other girl did as told and spoke as soon as she finished swallowing.
"There. Are you happy now?"
"Thank you." She sarcastically smiled then rolled her eyes. "Why are you even eating that sandwich at this hour? I saw you buy that during lunch break!"
"I'm sorry, I wasn't able to eat proper lunch earlier. I just literally ran down the cafeteria to buy two sandwiches, ran back up the stairs while eating one, but was too busy to eat the other one."
"Okay, pass chance. Whatever."
"Anyway... well, what they said is possible. But if you ask me, I can think of another possible thing."
"What is it?"
"I think she's new here. I mean, everyone in this school knows. If she was an old student, she would know the consequences if she did what she just did. And who in their right minds would dare go near the girl to risk their reputation in this school for just a minute of teasing or bad mouth?" The other girl thought for a while, before she nodded.
"Hmm... now that you said that. You may actually have a point."
She shrugged. "Well, who knows? Maybe their speculations were right."
"We can always find out."
"Of course we will."
---
"It's just the first day yet it looks like everyone's already judging me." Taeyeon kicked a pebble. She's back at the rooftop after the constant nagging of her mom and the non-stop banging on her door, trying to get her to eat her dinner. She turned her phone off too, not wanting to hear any empty words from her mom. Not now. She didn't need any of it right now. Taeyeon walked towards the same spot she occupied as last night and hastily threw her butt down to the ground. When she did so, she felt something weird in her back pocket. Feeling uncomfortable, she reached inside her back pocket and took out the thing which made her feel uncomfortable. She almost laughed.
It was her stick of gum.
Just the sight of it caused her tummy to rumble, and maybe it was because she wasn't able to eat lunch properly, and also because she skipped dinner. Not wanting to waste the stick of gum which was already a bit deformed, she unwrapped it and took the stick of gum with her lips before chewing it all up. She then looked up the night sky, eyes shifting between the many stars and the moon, which was still so pretty, although it wasn't as full as it was the night before.
"This is like me." She raised the wrapper up for the stars to see, held the top of it with her index fingers and thumbs then slowly tore it to pieces. "Torn." She collected all the torn pieces in her hands before she threw them all up in the air, and allowing them to slowly fall on her like confetti. Once the last bit of torn paper reached the ground, she looked up the sky once more, while absent-mindedly chewing on her gum.
"It's hard. It's really hard to adjust."
"My social life is literally back to zero. Starting from scratch." Taeyeon shifted the gum from the left side of her mouth to the right and resumed chewing. "No one is that willing to let a new girl in their lives just like that. Not that I need them, but... it's just different, you know. It's the assurance that even though you're antisocial and introverted and all that, you'll still have a small group of friends you can run to at the end of the day. One, two, three...
Taeyeon's mind suddenly thought about her three closest friends back where she used to live, back where she used to study.
I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye to them properly.
She stared at the powder dust above, trying to form all their faces by connecting them with her mind. She just sat there, trying to imagine their faces. She didn't know how long it took, until she caught herself in the verge of tears with her jaw a bit hung low. She quickly shook her head and sadly chuckled at herself.
Taeyeon rolled the gum with her tongue and realized that the gum had gone all cold, hard and tasteless. Deciding that the gum had already served its purpose, she was about to reach for the wrapper in her back pocket when she realized that she had already torn it apart earlier when she was making her dramatic analogy. Looking at the bits of torn wrapper on the floor, she suddenly wanted to curse herself.
She looked around, trying to look for something she could use to spit the gum in like a leaf, perhaps. But Taeyeon found something better. Just a few inches from her sat a crumpled piece of paper. She quickly took it before the wind could blow it away.
Taeyeon was preparing to spit the gum in the paper by rolling the gum on her tongue while uncrumpling the paper, when suddenly, with the help of the moonlight, she read something that made her eyes turn wide, and made the gum travel back in the opposite direction, making her swallow it instead.
Hello.
I don't know if you'll ever really see this paper,
but if you do,
then I'd like to say that everything you said last night didn't just simply vanish with the wind.
I've heard everything.
You're right. You won't lose anything if you wish upon a star.
And I just want you to know that it's okay to let everything out.
You're not alone.
I may not be able to listen to you during the day, but at least at night...
I assure you that there's someone who's willing to listen so you won't ever feel that you're alone.