Chapter 3
7 AM in front of studio eighteen and the already hot concrete ground thudded beneath the many footsteps of the staff, cast and crew of Paramount pictures.
Arriving half an hour late on set, a pale woman with dark sunglasses and a long, beige jacket stepped swiftly and silently through the many trailers.
Muttering her good mornings to those who greeted her, she finally surfaced from the shadows of the lattice of trailers and stepped into the sunlight.
Her clipped-back auburn hair glittered and freckles shone as she approached her destination; make-up.
Arriving at a long trailer with four, small, open windows of its very own, actress Kate Mulgrew pushed open the metal door and entered.
"Good morning my very dear friend…" Greeted Ethan Phillips warmly from the midst of his facial prosthetics. "Have some coffee, its fresh..."
The middle-aged actor sat stock still but with his friendly eyes shining back at Kate from his reflection in the large mirror. His female prosthetics artist turned briefly to smile kindly at Kate before returning to her careful work.
Turning her head towards the smell of coffee beans, Derek Sawyer, her main make-up artist, stood from a small sofa and began to quickly manipulate the various handles and levers of an enormous coffee machine.
"Take a seat honey..." The young man said with a smile, and dropping her script bag to the floor, Kate lowered herself onto the empty make-up chair in front of the panel of glistening mirrors, removing her sunglasses.
She stared at her sleep-deprived reflection, and winced inwardly with anxiety.
Yesterday and this morning had passed in a blur of distress, anger and confusion.
The news had broke of her love affair with her younger, female colleague over the weekend, and Jeri had called her at home on Sunday morning in a state of considerable dismay.
Soon after the article's publication, news bulletins appeared on the television, and Kate's own sons had discovered the truth about their mother's relationship with her fellow actress Jeri Ryan through the opines of broadcasters and commentators.
Both still in middle school, the two boys had been distressed by the allegations of homosexuality and indecency which were being made about their mother and both state is and national television.
On Sunday morning, reporters and photographers had began to congregate around the front of her house, and Kate had been made to supply her sons with a sudden and uncomfortable explanation of her actions along that private stretch of beach, and of the photographs which had been taken of her and Jeri.
As the coverage of her lesbian love affair continued into Sunday night, the boy's father had made a trip to the house and with heavy heart Kate had agreed the boys were to be removed from the media spotlight and were to stay for an indefinite time with their father.
A very tearful Kate had that night been comforted by her loyal, Latin American housekeeper and childminder, Lucy.
The following night, Jeri's appalled and embarrassed husband had threatened to leave with their three-year-old son but the distraught actress had begged that the child be taken instead to his paternal grandparents not far from their city home.
Agreeing to these temporary terms, Jack Ryan related to his estranged wife that he would be filing for divorce immediately and would soon be seeking full custody of the son.
He planned to move the child out of the state of California. Away from the "media circus" which would be sure to forever pursue his "morally corrupt mother".
Jeri was devastated. And having already attended one emergency appointment with her therapist that morning, she had made a second appointment late on Monday night.
She had promised to call Kate upon her return, and the two women spoke over the phone early into the morning.
But as the sun rose into a new day on Tuesday, the number of reporters and paparazzi outside her city home appeared to treble as every corner of the country became aware of lesbianism within the ranks of prime-time television.
The media representatives had yelled questions and crude assertions at her, photographing her as she fumbled with her keys to secure her house and to quickly get into her car.
The crowd of mainly men had surrounded her as she tried to reverse safely out of her driveway, and there had been more reporters and photographers upon her arrival at the studio car park.
Kate had spoken briefly again to Jeri on the phone before either of them had set off for work. That had been why the leading actress had been late.
Becoming fearful of the news that there was a horde of reporters and photographers outside of Jeri's residence, intimidating the young actress and making her afraid to leave her own home, Kate had called the police to Jeri's aid.
She had pleaded with a representative of the Los Angeles Police Department for officers to come to Jeri's assistance.
The LAPD representative on the phone had not deemed the situation of a young actress unable to leave residence due to a horde of men from the media upon her very doorstep worthy of their immediate attention, and it had taken all of Kate's energy not to scream expletives down the telephone.
In rage, she instead accused the officer on the other end of the phone of showing utter contempt for Jeri's plight and of the two women's situation in respect of the recent news, but her accusations of homophobia and sexism seems to entertain the police officer more than they did move him to action.
"Respectfully, ma'am, what did you expect?" Had been the younger man's retort, and never in her life had she felt so undervalued or discriminated against.
She had almost wept at these words. This was a question of a young woman's safety, her partner's safety, and the police seemed unconcerned.
Finally the officer relented, assuring Kate they would send a car or two to disperse the paparazzi, "who were just doing their jobs".
The exhausted actress then waited at home for Jeri's phone call to confirm she was safe and within the studio grounds, which she received an hour and a half later.
Kate had finally arrived back at Paramount Studios on Tuesday morning with quivering nerves and a body aching with stress. But her mind, to her amazement, was the sharpest it had been for many years.
Following a restless night, her fury in the early morning at the police for their nonchalance at Jeri's predicament, and the threats of reprimand and possible dismissal Jeri and herself were each facing from the studio owners and legal team in the coming days, Kate was becoming hardened to the reality of the new challenges they each faced.
Returning to the present, she gave a small smile towards the reflection of her fellow actor and friend, whom she knew had publicly supported her and Jeri's news.
Ethan's steady gaze communicated to her his solidarity, and she felt herself become suddenly emotional.
Being saved the necessity of locating her glass of water, Derek lowered a large cup of cappuccino into her agitated hands and turned up the strength of luminescence upon her face.
Blinking back the tears which had not yet formed, Kate's wide, blue eyes adjusted to the increased volume of light and she glanced once more at her pale complexion before staring into the depths of her creamy coffee.
She knew she would be ready.
Ready to face her bosses, her colleauges and her critics.
And if the media wanted a story, she would give them a story.
She would set the record straight and confirm that she was in a gay relationship.
She may even publicly described herself as "bisexual". That had been what she had explained to her sons, and that had been how she had always secretly identified since her teenage years.
Sampling her coffee, she pondered in silence, and tried to enjoy these few remaining moments of respite.
---
In a dark, discarded prop-strewn corner of studio eighteen, Jeri and Roxann sat together in old armchairs and in silence.
Lights and cameras focused upon a scene in a crashed and buried and fifteen years undisturbed sickbay, where Robert Picardo, Garrett Wang and Robert Beltran's characters were having a small, cold reunion.
The two actresses themselves were covered in fake snow and frost, and although the excess make-up was clearly bothering Roxann who was irritably trying to blink white powder out of her eyes, Jeri's frozen exterior simply reflected how she was feeling inside.
Far from the confident woman who had joined the Voyager cast, Jeri sat small and morose in the now powder-stained upholstery.
Jeri had remained distant all morning, but she had welcomed the presence of Roxann by her side.
Far from the rocky relationship of Voyager characters Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres and Seven of Nine on screen, Jeri and Roxann had become close friends during the time they had worked together, particularly in regard to solidarity in the face of Kate's unkind behaviour towards the younger woman.
Roxann was loyal and unintimidated by Kate. The leading actress and herself had been friends before Jeri's arrival, but in response to Kate's callousness and lack of professionalism when Jeri arrived at Paramount pictures, Roxann had began to distance herself from the older woman.
She had been as shocked as anybody else to discover that in fact Jeri and Kate had somehow seemed to forge a deep and romantic connection, despite Kate's unacceptable treatment of the younger actress initially and throughout Jeri's employment. But Roxann had quickly trusted Jeri's judgement and had supported both women when news of their love affair broke. Although Jeri did at first feel the need to insist to an understandably sceptical Roxann that Kate was truly sorry for her behaviour.
That Tuesday afternoon, Jeri had already been visited by two producers and three executive producers. She had refused to speak to all of them.
Actress Jeri Ryan was distressed and heartbroken, but she was also insulted by what she had deemed the "sexist and homophobic insults" of Rick Berman especially, referring as she spoke agitatedly to producer Jeri Taylor to the statements Berman had made on behalf of himself and of the studio in response to news of her and Kate's relationship.
Jeri had tearfully exclaimed to an executive producer later that morning that she would not speak to any of them in private until she felt less intimidated by the production studio, and until she had legal representation with her.
The mood that day on set had changed from one of diligence with smatterings of laughter, to one of tribalism and blame.
Jeri had been friends with everybody but now the blonde was very publicly at war with the production studio, and any friends she had could only approach her at their own risk, as choosing to remain friends with her would be choosing to stand against the studio.
But as threatening as Jeri Ryan's new romantic relationship was to Paramount pictures, significantly more interest and importance was still placed on the new relationship leading actress Kate Mulgrew would have to somehow manage to carve out with acrimonious studio bosses.
The decisions that Kate would make in the next few days would determine the future of Voyager for the remainder of the time the Star Trek series would be broadcast.
But what little had been seen of Kate on set that day had given little information away.
She stood in front of the cameras, she recited her lines perfectly, she held Jeri's hands whilst sharing whispered words of comfort to her, and then she left. Sometimes followed by an antagonised executive producer many cast members had never seen in their lives let alone seen on set.
As Paramount Pictures main investment in the series, Ms Mulgrew and her actions could still make or break the franchise, and bosses were eager to sway her to their way of thinking.
Being a cast or crew member of the Star Trek Voyager series had become equatable with being forced to hand an angry lesbian the keys to your car.
She would either drive everybody including herself over a cliff out of spite, or she would take you on the ride of your life. But to the dismay of Paramount Pictures, studio bosses had soon realised that it was too late to simply take the keys back off Kate. So they had been made to employ harassment and intimidation instead.
Kate had disappeared off set again, closely pursued by Rick Berman himself, and for one cast member, the temptation to make light of the situation of two "sex crazed" women "pretending they can hold the might of Paramount Studios to ransom" was just too much.
"None of this would have happened if one of you had just chosen me instead" guffawed Robert Beltran.
The once handsome actor had over the course of one and a half days became ugly with testosterone and arrogance.
Jeri winced, stiffening within the constraints of her corset as she shuffled to move away from the actor and his odour.
Roxann glared at Robert as he took a seat on a third armchair in front of the two women.
Wrestling down the hem of his spacesuit costume from his neck in an attempt to sit comfortably, the actor proceeded to spread his legs and lean in closer towards the appalled women.
Repulsed by his introduction and intrusion, each woman glared.
As his unkind smile widened, his dark eyes began to bore into them both.
Jeri squirmed further from him but Roxann looked at him with disgust.
Having been on a break from filming himself, Garrett looked uncomfortably upon the scene as the three actors sat in silence.
"So tell me what it's like…" Began Robert eagerly, folding together his fingers and leaning in towards an extremely agitated looking Jeri, "Must get pretty hot with all those breasts -"
"What!" Interrupted Garrett finally, stepping forwards to approach Robert as Roxann similarly jumped to her feet in fury.
"I'm just kidding - "groaned Robert, leaning back with his hands held in mock innocence in the air.
"You're disgraceful," condemned Roxann, the similarity to her character Lt Torres being stark and unrelenting, "You need to get out of here and sit in your trailer."
Smirking self-assuredly, Beltran rose slowly back to his feet.
Dramatically averting his eyes from Jeri's defensive and disgusted posture, he addressed Roxann, "You women are so sensitive…"
Brushing shoulders with Garrett as he left, the latter felt contaminated by his colleagues rudeness and sexism.
Garrett stood in angry silence for a long moment as Roxann sat back down. The young actor then began to apologise unreservedly to both Jeri and Roxann for Robert's behaviour, and for the existence of misogyny in general.
---
Under a glistening half moon suspended above a black sea, two actresses lay naked inside a bundle of soft blankets upon the seashore.
The sound of the ocean filling their ears, and the many stars above covering their eyes, it was difficult for each to know where the earth stopped and where heaven began.
Their skin sharing warmth and hearts beating in slow harmony, each woman wondered how such happiness could have come to her.
---
The days that followed from their first kiss were among the most contented of either woman's lives.
They laughed and they cried and they held one another.
Jeri's forgiveness came quickly to a Kate's who was undone with guilt at her mistreatment of the younger actress. And in a short time, both women began to open their lives to the reality of love and partnership with the other.
They each remained careful and alert.
Though it upset her to do so, Kate agreed to continue treating Jeri with apparent contempt on set. If she began to treat her any differently it would have caused suspicion.
And Jeri continued to listen without responding to Kate's various criticisms and pronouncements. Although she would do this with some enjoyment as she watched Kate fight to remain convincingly her old, very horrible self.
As actresses, however, to their unknowing friends and colleagues, they were each able to remain convincingly disgusted by one another.
Each day sunlight would fade to evening and having refrained from doing so all day, the two women would meet in the dilapidated restrooms which no one wanted to use that stood a short corridor away from the nice restrooms within the studio eighteen building.
They first made love under the dim, flickering lights of a narrow toilet cubicle only several small rooms away from the polished bathrooms of cast and crew without homosexual affairs to hide. And so when the warm sands and sunset of a private slice of Los Angeles beach was offered to them by Jeri's close male friend from college, neither woman could quite believe the change of scenery they were able to share.
Kate could not help but feel some concern for the position of exposure they would be in whilst together on an empty beach, but a strongly self-assured Jeri was able to reassure Kate of her college friend's trustworthiness and commitment to their safety.
After several hours of worry and scanning the beach parameter for eyes which should not be there, the older actress forced herself to try and settle. They would be looking over their shoulders for the rest of their relationship anyway, should it always remain secret.
Kate reconciled herself to this fact, and as she lowered her guard to enjoy the first of two nights with her younger partner by the rhythm and waves of the pacific ocean, the seasoned photographer who stood in black clothes in the shadows of distant trees took the explosive photographs which would help enhance his career.
"Star of Star Trek Kate Mulgrew Makes Love By the Ocean... to Female Co-star Jeri Ryan!
Exclusive pictures inside!..."
---
… Kate's thin body trembled as she stared into the beady blue eyes of producer Rick Berman.
In the low lights of his eyes she could see the same menace which had driven Jeri's jealous male friend to tell tales of lesbian affairs to the media.
But Berman wasn't jealous, or at least not obviously so. Rick Berman was angry, but nowhere near as angry as was Kate.
"It is not your decision to promote the gay agenda within this organisation," Berman thundered, with no attempt at decorum as the actress and producer stood head-to-head in the plush, studio producer office corridor of Paramount Pictures.
With a small audience of executives and important crew members forming close by them, the livid, middle-aged man continued, "Your antics have brought disgrace upon this company and upon the Star Trek franchise. Never have we experienced such scandal with any of your predecessors -"
"Women have sex, Rick" growled Kate, red-faced in Janeway's red tipped command uniform.
Still with bits of confetti stuck in her hair from filming a scene of celebration on the Voyager engineering set, Berman had interrupted filming to hold a private meeting with the leading actress, one he evidently thought would intimidate her into submission.
It hadn't. And the meeting, one of several Kate had been coerced into that day by various other producers and executives, had inevitably ended very abruptly and on bad terms.
"Shatner slept with hundreds of women on set, I slept with one, and I'M the disgrace?!"
"Jeri Ryan is a tremendous asset to this organisation -"
"Jeri is a woman not an 'asset'-"
"Seven of Nine is an innocent, she is not an object for her Captain to defile, and in pursuing a relationship with Miss Ryan you have transformed an innocent character into a slut, YOU, Kate, have single-handedly condemned this franchise! You are the first female Captain and you have been an absolute failure!"
Speechless for a long moment as the reality of the depths of his condemnation and insult came crashing down around her, Kate began to hear the murmurs of the crowd stood nervously around them. In doorways, reception areas and in open lifts. These people were all her colleagues and they had just witnessed Rick Berman humiliate her and label her girlfriend Jeri as a slut.
Her brows furrowed as doubt entered her consciousness. Berman was turning around, and swelling suddenly with a courage so strong it felt involuntary, Kate reached out and grasped the older man's forearm.
Disgusted, Berman yanked his forearm from her clutches, but as he straightened his crumpled sleeve, he was alarmed to see Kate's crooked smile gleaming back him.
"Seven of Nine is a grown woman, not an 'innocent', and certainly not a 'slut'…" Related Kate Mulgrew calmly and thoughtfully as Berman sneered at her and the crowd around them stood in shocked silence, "And now that I've made love to a woman I won't lay with a man again…"
The actresses face glowed with inspiration as her audience shifted uncomfortably at her admission. Her smile widened as she continued, "And that's really the beauty of the Star Trek franchise isn't it? Individuality, and inclusivity…"
Berman glared at the auburn-haired and bright eyed liability of a woman as she arrived at the indecent conclusion he knew she would.
He raised his chin and reeled inside as she declared in a commanding tone to the corridor at large, "Gene Roddenberry didn't put a black woman on the bridge to upset the racists. He did it to embrace diversity. And he would embrace me, and my female partner. He would be proud of us. Not afraid of us, or ashamed of us, as you are, Rick."
Straightening her uniform jacket, Mulgrew similarly straightened her posture and turning her back on the furious, male producer, she walked proudly back through the parting crowd towards the elevators.
---
Jeri sat clammy and hopeless in her trailer.
When Kate stepped inside, in stark contrast to her partner, the older woman appeared stunned with relief. Like a long, stranded seafarer who had finally, after many, many months and many hardships, found her way home.
She was pale, there was still some confetti in her hair, adrenaline was making her body tremble and her throat was dry.
But she was happy.
She had stood her ground in the face of the shamelessly sexist and homophobic Rick Berman. She had survived being publicly insulted by his words, and the experience of such intolerance had helped her come to realise an incredible truth.
Star Trek had always and would always be the right home for a couple such as herself and Jeri.
And that in fact, if they tweaked their perspectives just a little bit, they could each consider themselves lucky, honoured perhaps, to have the opportunity to let the world know it.
Yes there was soon to be custody battles over their three sons. But Kate found herself more concerned with what lessons the boys would learn from this period of fear and uncertainty in their lives.
Would they learn to treat women as equals and with respect? Or, like countless generations before them, would they come to believe that patriarchy ruled, and that women were incapable of independent thought, and were simply pawns in a man's world.
Looking into Jeri's dull, broken eyes, Kate knew the battle for custody of Jeri's three-year-old son would be their greatest and most emotionally wearing challenge.
And although her own two sons, who were each teenagers, had been angry and upset by her behaviour, they had been brought up educated and respectful of the gay community.
She was confident her son's would in time accept her. She hoped that they were only embarrassed, and not ashamed.
Moving to sit down quietly next to her young partner on the narrow sofa, she did not try to interfere with the younger woman's thoughts.
She placed a soft hand on Jeri's lap and caressed her lovingly.
Jeri lowered her head but remained silent.
Desperately despondent from a day spent contending with Robert Beltran's and others' misogyny and judgement, Jeri had retired to her trailer.
She was exhausted.
Roxann, Garrett and Robbie had remained loyal friends to her on set and had defended her against the unkind comments of several crew members, including a producer and an executive producer. But never in her life had she felt so weak.
Never had she been such a target for bullies, nor failed so miserably at the reality of coping with them.
Despondency had led to dreadful thoughts. She had imagined that her son would grow up to hate her.
She had imagined her career over, and worst of all, worse even than the loss of the love of her child, she had imagined that Kate would decide their situation as a lesbian couple was too difficult, and that the older woman would leave her.
Such was the depth of their unlikely love.
Sick at herself for feeling more concern for whether or not her girlfriend would still love her than her young son, Jeri had began to feel that she deserved to be experiencing such bitter sadness.
Feeling Jeri shift slowly towards her, Kate turned to see the anguished blonde stare beseechingly into her eyes.
Repositioning her body into the cramped sofa space, Kate wrapped her arms around Jeri as the younger woman began to whimper with emotion, clutching hold of Kate's small body and breaking down.
"… It's okay, honey…" Began Kate softly, stroking Jeri's clipped hair and struggling against her own emotion as she witnessed the younger woman's distress, "… We will fight this together…"
Jeri nodded gently against her ear before looking upwards again into Kate's face.
Each woman's eyes now wet with tears, their kiss was like the birth of a new star. Energising, and passionate, it brought brightness and hope to them both.
They could no longer hide in dingy trailers or dark corners, or private beaches with hidden dangers.
Their hearts beating faster and lips pressing in deeper, the two women sealed their love, and prepared to face the harsh world outside the trailer together.
---
Cussing and bustling in a large, uneven crowd outside the main gates of Paramount pictures stood an assortment of media reps, Star Trek fans, anti-gay protesters, children with anti-gay banners, security guards, and random onlookers.
An evening as bright as the glorious morning, Jeri and Kate stepped out onto the smooth ground of the studio building parade.
Large white walls of studio warehouses reflected sunlight back down onto them, the two women held hands in the clear light of day.
Their loose hair blowing gently in the breeze, their casual clothing wrapped them in some comfort as they passed colleagues and friends on their way to the gates.
Kate's ears ringing with subconscious warnings about public statements of lesbianism, her resolve strengthened as she felt Jeri's confidence begin to renew, the younger woman beginning to walk more purposefully towards the vultures at the gates.
The two women had agreed inside Jeri's trailer that that location would be a final place they would hide their love.
On their terms, they would allow themselves to be seen happy and by one another's side.
They were women, they were mothers, and they were lovers. And they had no need to hide their relationship from the world any more.
"Ms Mulgrew, are you a lesbian!"
"Ms Ryan, don't you care that your estranged husband may take your child!"
"Ms Mulgrew, aren't you worried your ex-husband may take your two children!"
"Ms Ryan, are you bisexual!"
"Actresses! Whores! God will not have mercy on you!"
"Ms Mulgrew, what do you say to the many Star Trek fans who are now offended by the series?"
"Ms Ryan, you were brought in to save the series, how do you feel now that you may have ruined it?"
"That's preposterous," began Kate, with an encouraging nod towards her now imperious looking partner and a tightening grasp of her hand, "Star Trek Voyager is now more popular than it has ever been, why, look at all this publicity!"
"Kate you are exposing my children to evil depravity -" choked a red-faced woman brandishing an exhausted and overheated looking toddler.
Kate looked at the small girl in her mother's arms, vaguely aware of cameras clicking and cameras rolling and reporters reporting all her and replied, "Your daughter will grow up and may become a leading actress in her own television series. I hope you will encourage her to follow her dreams…"
An immaculately disdainful looking Jeri gently let go of Kate's hand and began answering her own media and other enquiries. Her tone was calm but authoritative, "I am very proud to be part of the Star Trek family, where respect and inclusion are valued above all other things. That is the great meaning behind this franchise, that we are all different but we are all equal…"
"Jeri, I love you! Please don't be a lesbian!" Exclaimed one teenage fan in a mustard T-shirt embellished with the Starfleet combadge.
He received a raised eyebrow and a sympathetic look from Jeri in return but beamed at the acknowledgement.
When an older, male protester roared the words "Queer lesbian prostitutes!" at the two actresses, adding in a slur through his wiry beard, "Kate Mulgrew, the gay agenda is not a family value!" the teenager punched the older man clumsily and exclaimed, "Jeri, Kate, I love you both!"
Quietly approaching the entrance of Paramount Pictures and the media and spectator scrum which spilt onto the road came a small selection of producers and studio bosses.
When Kate heard the bitter, unharmonious tones of Rick Berman welcoming journalists and all other attendees to the gates of the renowned production studio, she paused in her response to the tenth or eleventh demeaning question she had answered within the space of two minutes, rejoining Jeri by her side.
Everyone present looked on as Berman spoke into the hanging microphones and camera lenses of every California news outlet representative, and many from out-of-state.
Kate and Jeri stood with quivering lips as the ignorant man spoke of "human decency" and "family values", "scandal" and "disgrace". And offered the studio's most profound apology for the "unethical behaviour" of two of its leading actresses.
Producer Jeri Taylor looked uncomfortably at Kate as producers Brannon Braga and Kenneth Biller scowled at both actresses.
Suddenly Kate felt Jeri's soft hand on her cheek, and silence grew around them as media tension climaxed…
Jeri's hot turquoise eyes spoke love to Kate's soul and the decision was made as one.
The two actresses kissed in front of a frenzy of onlookers, bystanders and LA's worst celebrity shit-stirrers.
Shrieks of outrage and a cacophony of excited reporter monologues, journalists questions and the cheers and jeers of fans and others applauding and opining into the electric evening breeze slowly faded into a neutral hum as the women's kiss deepened into a shameless snog.
Somewhere behind them Robbie McNeill was whistling loudly through his fingers, Garrett Wang, Bob Picardo and Ethan Phillips were applauding, and Roxann Dawson stood with Tim Russ smiling.
Somebody in the crowd tried to frisbee an anti-gay placard at the two embracing women, which spun sideways and hit Brannon Braga in the face.
Security stepped in to escort the scandalised producers and studio bosses back to the safety of the studio grounds, and the Voyager cast ran forwards to cocoon the two women in a protective group hug, home-made placards and water bottles flying around them as studio security bellowed for the dispersal of all media and spectators.