a conman's kiss part 6
“Shut the door.”
“oh, so no, ‘hello Whizzer’ or ‘my god whizzer you look stunning today’, Why thank you Marv, I got laid last night for the first time in two years.”
Marvin started coughing profoundly as his coffee went down the wrong way, almost dropping his mug in surprise. Coffee spilled over the rim, wetting his suit trousers, and Whizzer was instantly by his side.
“here, let me help you with that.” He said with a slick smile as he removed a handkerchief from his pocket, beginning to wipe Marvin’s crotch with much enthusiasm.
Marvin turned as bright as a cherry tomato, “okay stop!” He spluttered, “what the fuck Mr Brown, this is a place of work, and I will send your ass back to jail.”
“that’s not the only place you can send my ass.” Whizzer said with a wink. Marvin reached across his desk for the phone and Whizzer slammed his hand down on it, “okay, sorry, inappropriate I get it. it’s just-“ He relaxed slightly, smiling with the only real smile Marvin had seen yet, “I don’t exactly have any friends and I- I wanted to tell someone.”
Marvin sighed, massaging his temples, “ I’m happy for you Whizzer.” He said, his cheeks flushing.
“thank you puppy.”
“agent Feldman,” he corrected as if by instinct, “ and I need your help- ”
“-getting off? Sure, meet me in the bathroom in ten minutes, public spaces are a real turn on.” He had begun to stare dreamily into space, and suddenly stood up straight, “allegedly.”
Marvin’s eyebrow raised “allegedly?”
“there’s a rule, law thing against it I think.” Whizzer said, “so, ten minutes?”
“we are no way, ever, in hell, fucking in the toilet’s at the fucking FBI.”
Whizzer pouted playfully, “but hon, you’re so tense. fuck me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you’ve had sex in years.”
“excuse you, I had sex last night.”
Whizzer suddenly looked very interested, sitting down in the chair opposite him, with a dramatic flourish, “what was his name?”
“Trina.”
Whizzer made a scandalous face, “ooh, sound’s suspiciously feminine.” He teased.
“because it was my wife, what is your fascination with me being gay?”
Whizzer made a face, “because you are.”
Marvin scowled darkly, “I’m not”
“sure.” Whizzer whispered, “now what did you need my help for?” Marvin sighed and pushed across a file over the table, trying to ignore the way Whizzer suited the turtle neck, and the slicked back hair. His face dropped as he opened it, “this is your wife’s visa bill.”
“yeah, I got it all, her eBay bids, film rentals, library books.”
Whizzer deadpanned, “so… you’re stalking your wife because you forgot your anniversary and still haven’t bought her anything.”
“sorry, want to compare notes?” Marvin said, eyebrow raised as he remembered how Whizzer knew their anniversary when even he didn’t.
“touché” He read through the summary at the bottom, “yeah I don’t think, ‘anything Italian but not anchovies’ is gonna be your answer.”
Marvin sighed loudly before leaning across the table, “help me. Please I’m desperate. You’re the romantic, what’s the deal with the wine bottle?”
Whizzer put on a look of faux confusion, “the wine bottle?”
“the one I found you with.”
Whizzer shook his head gently, “It’s an 82’ Bordeaux.” He stated plainly
“yeah, costs $800 a bottle.” Marvin said as though it weren’t a question
“when it’s full. I got it empty.” Whizzer smiled, “when I met this guy, I had nothing, we had nothing. I stole the bottle and he used to fill it up with whatever cheap wine we could afford. And we’d sit in that crappy art studio and drink it over cold pizza and pretend we were living in the côte d’Azur or Paris or-“
“and how’d that work out for you?”
“it didn’t.” Whizzer paused, thinking” Because that bottle was a promise of a better life, and what he got was a guy locked away for half a decade.” He wiped his eye, “make any promises to Trina? Or you think what she really wants is-“ he looked at the list in front of him “-scented candles. Actually, I would buy scented candles, great for sex.”
They sat together in silence for a moment before there was a knock on the door. “can I come in or are you two fucking.” Cordelia called out. Marvin leapt up, opening the door with a stormy look on his face.
“what the fuck is everyone’s deal, I am not gay!”
“sure puppy.” Whizzer said, putting on that conceited pout that Marvin found hellishly annoying.
And slightly hot. But only a little.
“and we have two eyeballs and two ears.” Cordelia muttered under her breath, causing Whizzer to almost fall on the floor laughing.
Marvin huffed aggressively, “what have you got for me Delia?”
“Our guy’s leaving the country.” Cordelia said, all playfulness instantly leaving her voice, “ he booked a flight through some charter company in Barcelona for the 19th .”
“one week. damnit Whizzer, seeing you must’ve tipped him off!”
Whizzer put a hand up, “he’s going to Spain, that’s something.”
“is there any connections between him and the books yet, or the bonds or the murder? We need to make the arrest before he leaves the country.”
Cordelia shook her head, “no, he’s impressive alrgiht, got lots of international holdings. But he’s never the one to do the dirty work.”
“get all agents on this.” Marvin ordered. “I want to know every single thing about this guy, anything gets in the way—”
“-forge your signature. Always do boss.”
“hey, how come I’m not allowed to forge your signature.” Whizzer suddenly protested
Cordelia got near his face, dancing in a victory way out of the room, “because he doesn’t trust you.” She sung.
Whizzer turned to Marvin to protest, but he had already started pacing around his office, “look, if you’re right, we have one week to connect him to the Spanish victory bond.” Marvin stopped, avoiding whizzer’s eye contact at all cost, “if we lose him…” he trailed off, turning back to see him, “Whizzer, if we lose him, you’re back in.” his tone was sombre and sad as though he would miss Whizzer if he were to go back to jail, “I can’t save you.”
There was a heavy silence and Marvin sat back down at his desk, cautious to how Whizzer would react.
Whizzer jumped up, “okay lets go then!” he said, resembling either a child, or a puppy, Marvin wasn’t sure which. “we don’t have any second to spare!”
“give me a moment.” He said, looking down at his crotch with an embarrassed flush.
Whizzer stared plainly at Marvin before his mouth dropped into a perfect ‘o’, “oh my god, you’re hard.” Whizzer exclaimed, giggling, instantly piecing it together, “and we were literally talking about a serial killer, do they turn you on? I mean Richard Ramirez was gorgeous, so was Ted Bundy, oh and Erik Menendez, he could rail me into next week and-“
Marvin suddenly picked up his empty coffee mug, “of course not!” he exclaimed, embarrassed, “I just need to… to drink my coffee.”
“sure sure sure. You go drink your coffee; I’m going to go tell Cordelia you’re turned on by serial killers.”
-
Whizzer walked straight through the house to the dining room, throwing his hat at the human shaped shadow in the dark.
“you’re late.” It said, followed by, “ow!” as the hat hit him in the face.
Whizzer rolled his eyes, turning on the lights, “give me a break Mendel, I’m a working man now.”
Mendel bent over and picked the hat up, putting it on his head, “so?”
“we were right, Hagen’s our guy.” Whizzer replied smiling.
Mendel let out a half laugh, half scoff, “of course we were”
“and I was stupid and impulsive and he saw me.” Whizzer said, kicking himself over and over again. “I have one week to link him to all his shit.”
“one week, or what?” Mendel asked, getting up from the table to walk around to Whizzer.
Whizzer ran a hand through his hair, displacing it, “I’ll go back.”
“no, no, no”
“yeah.” There was a pause, “did you find anything out to do with him?”
Mendel smiled, walking back around the table to wear a satchel sat on the top, “apparently, if a tree falls in the forest, it does make a sound.” He slid a printed photograph across the table, and there he was.
His lover, in fact the only man he had ever loved, with the almost afraid look on his face, and strong sturdy hand on his shoulder, trapping him.
“I might lose him again Mendel, I- I can’t lose him again.”
“lose him? I just found him.” Mendel exclaimed excitedly.
“so did he.” Whizzer said, pointing to the hand on his shoulder, the ring he was wearing as clear as day, “so did he.”
-
“fine, shit I’m coming!” Whizzer called out as he heard a third knock on the door, grabbing tissues from on top of his toilet to try and stop the bleeding from the small nick on his jaw from shaving.
He held up the towel around his waist in one hand and pushed out of the room with the other, storming on the front door.
“yes, fuck you, I’m fucking coming, patience is a virtue you know…” He trailed off as he was suddenly face to face with his boss, “Agent Feldman?” He asked, his face instantly drifting down to his extremely short towel and uncovered chest, “what are you doing here-“
Marvin cut him off “what exactly did you say this morning.” He said urgently, snapping his fingers as if to try and prompt a memory.
Whizzer smiled, confused slightly, “what? When? I said a lot this morning-“
“in my office, we were talking about me having- having you know with my wife and you said—”
A smug smile came over whizzers face and his hands planted themselves sassily onto his hips. “I said, ‘fuck me if I’m wrong but-‘“
Suddenly Marvin’s hands were square on Whizzer’s chest, pushing him into the apartment, slamming closed the door with his foot and pulled him into a passionate kiss, hands roaming freely down as the towel fell out of Whizzer’s startled grasp, dropping to the floor.
They fell over onto the wooden floorboards, knocking over a lamp, and between gasps for air, Marvin growled it.
“you’re wrong.”
Whizzer smiled, flipping Marvin so he was on all fours over him, “well then, you better fuck me.”
-