Falsettos one shots

Conman’s kiss

Whizzer, hunched over, took off the hat and put it on top of the banister, slowly pacing up the stairs. His leather shoes creating clicks against the wood, the house creaking as he tried his best to walk silently. He stopped halfway up the stairs, frozen as from the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of something, and turned, tiptoeing fast back down the stairs, his eyes fixed on the dining room.

He paused at the bottom, reaching into the umbrella stand and pulled out a walking stick, holding it tight in his grasp in case he had to use it, he brought it up as though it were a baseball bat, and from the shadows, his eyes adjusted to see the figure, the man sitting in a chair at the head of the dining table in the dark.

Whizzer approached him, ready to take a swing when suddenly, the voice broke through the tense silence.

“I saw the best mind of my generation get run down by the drunken taxicab of absolute reality.”

Whizzer let out a brief laugh, dropping the cane down to his side, as he turned on the lights, the figure was suddenly bathed in the light, smiling as though he had won something.

“what the hell, Mendel.” He said, noting how he hadn’t changed since he last saw him, still sporting the tight curls, the glasses that were too small for his face, the badly knitted cardigans. “sitting in the dark misquoting Ginsberg?” He suddenly laughed, approaching him, and wrapped him in an awkward hug, Mendel still sat uncomfortably in the chair, his arms pinned to his side.

“the light’s how they find you, man.” He said, his voice muffled by Whizzer’s shoulder.

He let go, pulling back and noticed the plate of food and bottle of wine on the table in front of him, “hey, you know you can’t just help yourself here.” He said, the smile still bright on his face, “how’d you get in?”

Mendel put his hand up in fist,” I used this.” He said, Whizzer stopped, a disapproving look on his face. “I knocked, wasn’t that clear?” he rolled his eyes, “I introduced myself to Charlotte, she’s great. Did you get a look at the blonde woman?” his voice had a hint of excitedness about it.

“that’s her wife, works with Agent Marvin Feldman from the FBI.”

“your handler? Better be careful around her then.”

There was a comfortable silence as Whizzer walked around the table, taking a seat at the far end, “thanks for coming.” He said sincerely.

“what was I gonna do? Not come?” Mendel retorted. There was silence again, the only sound being the ticking of the grandfather clock in the hall, even and anxiety inducing. “can I see?” Mendel asked, gesturing to Whizzer’s leg.

He sighed, kicking his foot up so it was resting on a chair, and pulled the trouser leg down a smidge to reveal the ankle monitor, it’s green light flashing tauntingly. “can you pick it?” he asked.

“no way.” Mendel said, an apologetic look on his face, “no way.” He looked over his glasses, “you flew too close to the sun, my friend.” Whizzer put his leg back down, playing with the head of the walking stick he was still holding, “they burnt your wings.”

He sat forward, “Where is he, Mendel?” Whizzer suddenly asked, “where’d he go?”

Mendel sighed, blinking slowly, “he’s a ghost, man. He did an outstanding job of melting away.”

“please, keep looking. Check France.” He begged, trying to disguise how urgent his voice sounded.

“France?” Mendel asked, condescending as he looked away from Whizzer.

“I know, okay? It’s probably nothing. Just… look everywhere. Something else. I need you to help me figure out-“ Whizzer stood up, opening his suit jacket and took out the fake bond he had taken while Marvin wasn’t watching, “- who created this.”

He put it on the table in front of Mendel who suddenly sat forward. “it’s superb.” He said, removing his glances. From his pocket, he took out a powerful magnifying glass, getting close to the paper as he began to study it.

“isn’t it.”

“you know the worse thing about art forgery?” He asked Whizzer, looking up from the paper, his eyebrow raised, “you can’t take credit for your work.”

Whizzer stood in silence as he realised what Mendel meant, his brain almost visually lighting up.

-

Marvin awoke to an empty bed, his arms outstretched along the cotton duvet sheet, reaching for where his wife would usually be, but instead he met a cool imprint. He sat up slowly, wiping the sleep from his eyes, and moseyed to the en suite lathering his face up with shaving foam and plugged in his electric razor into the socket above the mirror.

He contorted his face as he gently shaved it, the silence in the house unnerving for a weekend, usually Jason would be yelling and running around the house by now, and Trina would be cooking breakfast, banging pots and pans around to wake him up in the most passive aggressive way possible. But today there was nothing, not even the creaking of the floorboards. He paused halfway through shaving, leaning out, so he could see into the hall, “Trina?” he called out.

Nothing. He was slightly worried now.

He quickly finished shaving, pulling on a dirty white loose fitting t shirt from the wash basket, and listened for a moment. “honey?”

He splashed his face clean with water, about to go downstairs when his phone rang from the bedroom. He picked it up third ring, lazily putting it to his ear.

“yeah, this is Feldman.” He said, rummaging through his Wife’s bedside table for no reason.

“it’s Cordelia. Brown’s ankle is activated. Is he with you?”

Marvin froze, looking up, “no. I’m coming.” He said, throwing his phone, still on call, onto the bed. He quickly put on a suit jacket over the t shirt, crinkling the neat ironing, and threw a tie, undone, around his neck.

He picked up the phone again, Cordelia still speaking “it’s alright, I’ve got jones on it. We’re pulling the locations.”

He ran down the stairs, yelling over the phone, “ Trina, I’ve gotta go. Whizzer’s outside his radius—”

He froze as he reached the bottom of the stairs, head snapping around to see Whizzer sat playing with Jason as Trina slammed a mug of coffee onto the table in front of him.

“Marvin? You still there?”

They looked up at him, a scowl engraved deep into Trina’s face, a playful smile on Whizzers, and Jason was oblivious, playing chess and pulling on Whizzer’s perfectly expensive cuff to signify it was his go.

“Brown is with me.” He said firmly, an angry look hidden behind the cool words.

“you sure? Because we—”

Marvin finished walking down the stairs. “yeah. Yeah.” He hung up, staring as Whizzer took a move on the chess board.

“hi honey.” Trina said through gritted teeth.

Whizzer smiled in his usual cocky condescending way. “Marv.”

“Agent Feldman.” He corrected

“I know.”

“you’re on my couch.” Marvin said, gesturing angrily, a dark contrast to the light voice he spoke with.

Whizzer took a sip of the coffee, “I came to talk to you. And frankly, Marvin, I have to say I’m surprised you have such an amazing wife and child.” He raised his eyebrow and Marvin could almost hear the subtext; whizzer was surprised he still had a wife. Whizzer thought he was gay.

Marvin smiled coldly “yeah, I like her.” His smile dropped “Get off my couch.”

“honey, we’re just chatting.” Trina said again through gritted teeth, trying not to let Whizzer know how uncomfortable she was to have him over.

“chatting?” Marvin said, this time the anger clear in his voice, “how did you get here?”

Whizzer cocked his head, “cab.”

“you activated your tracker! You’re in my house, on my couch, with my wife.” Marvin said, the disbelief noticeable from the size of his gestures.

Whizzer put his hands up in mock surrender, “I’m gay.” He said, making a face. Jason pulled on his sleeve again, and Whizzer turned back to the board, “ah! You beat me kid!” he exclaimed, putting his hand out for a high five, much to the disapproval of Trina.

“Now you’re playing with my child.” Marvin said, walking away to pour himself his own coffee.

“Did you really put Trina under surveillance before you asked her out?” Whizzer called after him. Marvin stopped dead in his tracks, turning back to Trina, an angry look on his face. “Marv, I really underestimated you.”

As he said the nickname, Trina flinched, hard, staring at Whizzer.

“you told him.” Marvin stated, biting the inside of his cheek.

Trina swallowed, “ oh he said he wanted to make sure I wasn’t seeing anybody else. I think It’s cute.” The plain nature of her tone contrasted her words

“I think it’s adorable.” Whizzer added, his eyebrow raised.

Marvin massaged his temples, “I’m putting you back in prison.” He said, dialling a number on his phone.

Whizzer stood up, “I know who the dutchman is.” He said.

Marvin almost dropped his phone, but still kept his stare cold as though he were trying to see into Whizzer’s soul as he spoke, “enlighten me.”

“Curtis Hagen” Marvin shook his head, “he’s an art restorer,” Whizzer added, “one of the best in the world, but his own work never took off.” Marvin’s eyebrows were slowly finding each other in the centre of his fore head. “ he’s particularly good at Goya restorations. That’s what this is, agent Feldman, the bond is him showing off.”

“it’s an interesting theory.” Marvin said, weighing his thoughts in his head, “but it’s just a theory, how are you going to prove it.”

Whizzer smiled cockily, “he signed it.”

“I think we might’ve noticed” Marvin retorted. “a signature tucked in the corner is hardly invisible.” Whizzer pulled the bond out from the inside of a book, “you stole the evidence.” Marvin said, his head in his hand, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“language.” Trina snapped, cleaning up Jason’s chess board as he sulked in the corner.

Whizzer beckoned him, pointing at the bond, “look at the pants on the Spanish peasant.” Marvin picked up the bond, holding it at an odd angle so he could get close enough to the parchment, “what do you see? it’s the initials C and H”

Marvin scoffed quietly, “I don’t know. That’s a stretch.”

Whizzer leant in close, so he could also see the bond, “ this bond is a masterpiece, “ he said, his voice a gentle whisper that made Marvin shiver slightly, “if I’d done something this good, I would’ve signed it.” He pulled back, his voice normal and smirked, “the forgeries you caught me on, I signed them.”

Marvin’s head snapped around, “where?”

“look at the bank seal under polarized light sometime.” Whizzer shrugged. “Hagen is doing a church restoration on 3rd street. We can stop by on our way in.”

Marvin took a large inhale, “fine.” He said, reluctantly, putting down the bond, “meet me in the car.” Whizzer nodded, clueless. “I’m going to say goodbye to my wife now.”

“ohh…” he laughed, “it was nice to meet you Trina, you too Jason.”

“nice to see you again after all these years.” Trina said, very passive aggressively.

-

“this is it?” Marvin asked as they stood in the large church, looking up at the high ceiling.

Whizzer turned to him, “yep.” He took a quick look at Marvin, up and down before he crinkled his nose. “wait a second.” He took the untied tie that was wrapped around Marvin’s neck, and gently tied it, his fingers brushing lightly against his chest. Marvin watched his face, deep in concentration, biting his lip gently as he tightened the knot, pulling it up. “doesn’t work without a collar.” Whizzer whispered, his face barely a centimetre away from Marvin’s.

“you can’t come in. we’re closed for restoration!”

Marvin leapt away from Whizzer as a priest walked up between the pews, Whizzer’s fingers were still interlaced with the tie, and Marvin almost bounced straight back, his face suddenly blushing bright red. “oh, sorry, father.” He tried to leave, but again, Whizzer pulled him back by his tie.

“could we just—? Could we just have a moment?” He led the priest down to the alter so they were out of Marvin’s earshot. “thank you.” He called out to Marvin before lowering his voice to a whisper “ Father, my ‘friend’ is having a crisis of the soul. He’s a married man, and he has the most devastatingly handsome assistant at work.” Whizzer said, his hand on the priest’s arm.

“handsome?”

“yes, he is… a homosexual and his assistant is a very very provocative man. He’s been tempted. More than tempted, I have details, apparently he’s talented with his mouth.”

Together the pair turned to stare at Marvin, aimlessly sidling through the pews, accidentally knocking a bible to the floor.

The priest let out a huff, “well, being tempted by another Is very common with men his age. Unfortunately very common.” Whizzer nodded along sympathetically.

Whizzer suddenly adopted an innocent expression, “and I want to confront him about this before he tears his life apart. Look, he has a lot of faults, but does his wife really need to know about them? a lot of faults, don’t even get me started, he’s a mess. But he’s very spiritual.”

He followed the priests gaze to Marvin yawning with his entire body, looking very out of place. He cringed.

“I know this is the place where my words will have the most effect.”

The priest sighed “I’m sorry child, but this is the city of churches and we’re closed, there’s another right down the block--”

“this is where he was married.” Whizzer interrupted, gazing at the man forlornly.

The priest sighed, “five minutes.”

“thank you. Thank you, father.” Whizzer smiled brightly, quickly going back to Marvin, and grabbed his arm, “sorry about that. We got five.” He whispered.

Marvin waved to the priest as they sped through the church, “did you just lie to a priest?”

“Do you think I’m attractive?” Whizzer asked.

“sure.”

“then we’re good. I am talented with my mouth, thank you so much for saying so.” He gushed, leading Marvin to the religious paintings that were ceiling high as a confused look sprouted over his face. They stopped at a statue; half covered in tarpaulin. “ extraordinary.” Whizzer said, in awe as he stared open mouthed at the marble.

“real nice.”

He turned to Marvin, a disappointed look clouding his features, “did you just say, ‘real nice’. This is centuries old; it deserves a little more eloquence than ‘real nice’.”

Marvin ignored him, “if this Hagen guy is as good as you say, how come I’ve never heard of him?”

Whizzer climbed the stepladder, examining the statue as he pulled back the dark tarp “you only know the guys who get caught. you know, the second-best criminals.” He got up close to the statue, feeling the marble, not concentrating on what he was saying.

“what does that say about you?” Marvin asked

Whizzer turned back to him, eyes dark and threatened “it says there’s an exception to every rule puppy.” He turned back, his eyes catching the tiny imperfection, “look. C and H!” he exclaimed.

“Where?” Marvin got up onto the step ladder with him, faces extremely close together as Whizzer pointed it out, “I don’t see it.”

Whizzer rolled his eyes, “here.” He yanked Marvin’s wrist to the wall, tracing his fingers over the tiny indents. He let go of Marvin and suddenly lost his balance, teetering on the step ladder, when Marvin grabbed his waist, pulling him close as the ladder steadied. “hi.” Whizzer whispered, his forehead touching Marvin’s. He could smell the cigarettes on his breath that Marvin only smoked when he worked an impossible case, disguised by the lemon sherbets he kept in the glove box of his car.

“hi.” Marvin whispered back, trying not to think about how firm Whizzer’s lower back was.

“can I help you, gentlemen?” A taught English accent cut through the moment, Marvin’s eyes opening wide as though they had been caught. His head whipped around, Whizzer following slowly as he became detached from Marvin.

He kinda liked it.

“your face.” The European man pointed at Whizzer, “your face is familiar.” Slowly, they got down from the step ladder, “maybe I’ve seen it on the news, or perhaps on a most-wanted web page” He sidled up to the pair, face almost unreadable.

“Whizzer Brown.”

He put out his hand, but the man just looked at it, “forgive me if I don’t shake hands with an art thief.”

Whizzer smiled passive aggressively, “I was never arrested for art theft.” His hand relaxed back down to his thigh.

“not arrested. But, as I recall, you were known as quite the renaissance criminal, so you can understand my concern at having you in my space.” He watched as Marvin paced around the sculpture, his eyes narrowing, “and you are?” he asked with a raised voice.

“just a…” Marvin looked to Whizzer, “friend.”

“my lover.” Whizzer said, smirking back.

“well, lover or friend, this church is closed.” A warm smile lit up his face and he gestured to the door, “it was a pleasure meeting you… the infamous Whizzer brown and his…friend.”

Whizzer took a brief look at Marvin, and they left, pacing quickly down the aisle. “did you see it?” Whizzer asked as soon as they were out of earshot.

“okay, you got me curious, we’ll check him out.” Marvin replied, his voice quiet and low.

“listen to the spirit, son, not the flesh.” The priest said as they passed him on their way out.

Marvin stopped, his eyebrow quirked, “I’ll do that.” He said, nodding as though he understood what he was talking about. He ran to catch up with Whizzer out on the front steps, “what was that about?” he asked.

Whizzer grinned, cattishly, “ better if you don’t know.” He said, trying to force the smile away.