I never wanted to love you
The inky black of the night and the bitter cold Mr whippy like texture of the air were the only things that kept Whizzer from just finding a park bench and curling up on it, using the suitcase as a pillow.
He was numb. Numb from how cold the night’s icy kiss was on his cheeks, numb from how broken he felt inside.
He kept wandering, New York city was large enough to do that, to get lost in the streets that all look the same in the vague haze of the streetlights.
Whizzer stopped suddenly, lighting a cigarette, watching it’s deadly smoke trail into the already polluted, murky air, and continued to walk with each step shattering his heart more and more.
His knuckles were white from the biting air and from how hard he clutched at the handle of the case, speeding up his gate as he walked by a gay bar, the men hollering and whistling at him as he passed.
He stopped.
Whizzer had nowhere to stay, no money and no one to call, maybe a stranger would buy him a drink. Quickly he turned, relaxing his body slightly, as he swayed almost seductively into the bar, blowing smoke into a man’s face who got too close and was suddenly hit by the warmth.
And the smell.
It was more of a club than a bar, and he was in no means dressed fittingly, wearing a pale mint shirt and high waisted brown trousers that made his legs miles high, but still, he pushed through the crowd, stopping to admire a man who was staring at him, before finally sitting at a barstool.
“what do you want?”
“I- I’ll- “Whizzer looked at the shelves of liquor behind the bar, “give me a moment.”
He only had pennies, he needed to find some way to get someone else to buy him one. He looked down the bar, taking another hit from the cigarette and the familiar sense of déjà vu washed over him.
The man sidling up to him, brown messy hair and dad body not exactly making him Whizzer’s type. He hovered above Whizzer, and Whizzer pretended not to notice him, make him work for it.
The man let out a throaty cough.
Whizzer ignored it.
“you’re the most attractive man in here.”
Whizzer smiled, a cute small one before he finally turned on his barstool, “so, no hello?”
The man went a bright red, ruffling a hand through his messy hair, “I’m sorry, last time I had to flirt was with my wife ten years ago and-“ he cut himself off, turning even darker. “-oh god, now I have no hopes. Talking about my wife is a real boner killer.”
Whizzer’s ears pricked up, “wife?”
“I, well-“ The man gave up, smiling “-I’m Marvin.”
Wife was good in Whizzer’s book, wife meant they couldn’t get too attached.
“Marvin-“ Whizzer drawled, taking another inhale from the cigarette, blowing the smoke into Marvin’s face, “I like that.”
“what about you? What should I call the man I’m buying a drink?”
“Whizzer.” He smiled, it felt right telling this man his real name.
“can I buy you a drink?” the words shook whizzer from his daze, staring up at a man who wasn’t Marvin. He smiled, trying to forget him.
“sure, one old fashioned please.”
-
The rest of the night came back to Whizzer in fragments, each as painful as a piece of glass.
Several different men buying him drinks.
Stumbling back to someone’s apartment.
Two sets of hands on him, fumbling and bruising.
A wire phone hanging off of the wall, dangling down as the sound of static filled the room.
Then the knock at the door.
He woke up to the knock at the door, sitting up abruptly, groggy and dizzy. He was strewed across a bed, two men entangling and gripping onto him. They snored loudly, not even stirring as the banging on the door continued. Whizzer sighed, his head pounding, and he aggressively pushed them off of him, finally managing to swing his legs off of the bed.
He stumbled forward, the alcohol still heavy in his system, and he stopped, the knocking wavering for a second before picking back up again. He was stark naked, white powder and stains covering him, must’ve been a fun night, he thought to himself, picking up a large oversized t shirt and pulling it on as he managed to stagger to the door, holding onto the walls.
Time slowed for a second and finally, finally he was able to open the door.
“Marvin?” he whispered.
“fun night?” Marvin replied coldly.
“what did you- How did you?” He stared at Marvin, everything foggy as he swayed back and forth.
“you phoned me.” Marvin had an icy stare on his face, staring at the bruises covering Whizzer’s neck and thighs, the practical handprint around his neck and the puffy, redness of his eyes. Whizzer always had red eyes after giving head. “you said you needed to see me one last time, so I came.”
Whizzer swallowed, but his mouth was still painfully dry, and his head was fuzzy.
“did you ever love me?” Marvin asked, “did you ever wish it were just me and you?”
Whizzer would usually dodge the question, starting an argument which would be the beginning of their foreplay, but that night, or morning, it felt different. He was delicate and broken, he couldn’t hide himself, and he didn’t own Marvin anymore.
He sighed, reluctantly speaking, “I love you. It hurts not being around you, and it was just you and me.” tears began to build up in his eyes, “It was only you and me in the end, but you cheated me, and you lied to me and you hurt me.”
“why didn’t you tell me?”
“because even when you loved Trina you were still manipulative, you still cheated, and you still lied. That’s how you show love, that’s what you think love is, an obligation.”
“we can still get back together, I can try to be better-“
Whizzer shook his head as the tears fell, “no. no we can’t because I never wanted to love you. I will hate myself if I get back together with you because I can’t, I can’t- I’m not supposed to love you.”
Marvin’s face stayed cold, but for the first time in years, Whizzer let himself cry, let himself hurt instead of ignoring it.
“John? John-“ from behind Whizzer, a naked man staggered up to him, embracing him from behind, “who’s this?”
Whizzer wiped his eyes, the man behind him biting his neck as he stared at Marvin, “a friend.” Whizzer said and Marvin winced, knowing that was how he would describe Whizzer when he didn’t want people to realise they were together.
Marvin nodded, staring past Whizzer, staring past the man trying to make him jealous.
“I never wanted to love you either.” He said, a smile on his face. “bye.” He whispered, walking away. The door closed behind him and the air became a dark blue as the first tears slipped silently down his face. Marvin stopped, looking up to the sky, “he loved me.” he said to himself smiling to the heavens, snow beginning to fall creating a simple dusting of icing sugar, “he loved me.”