Falsettos one shots

The man took a look into the mirrored window in the small room, fixing his hair in the reflection. He rolled his eyes, checking his pocket watch and looked straight into the mirror again, as though he could see through it to the other side, then he stuck his middle finger up.

They always move it along faster if he’s a pain in the ass.

Surely enough, the man he only knows as ‘the detective who’s always angry’ strode in. He was bad with names.

“Hullo.” ‘the detective who’s always angry’ started.

He smiled innocently, “hullo detective, why am I here?” he batted his eyelashes, leaning his elbows on the table, slick with someone’s blood.

“You know exactly why you are here, Mr Brown.”

“you can call me Whizzer, detective.” Whizzer replied, leaning slightly further forward, “Mr Brown is my father.” He smiled, dead eyed at ‘the detective who’s always angry’.

“well then, Whizzer,” ‘the detective who’s always angry’ placed an open file in front of him and whizzer took it in his hands, dropping his spectacles down onto the bridge of his nose as he stared at the photos. “Do you know this woman?”

Whizzer weighed his options as he silently stroked the photograph. It was grainy, black and white, but he could tell exactly who it was. “no detective, although I think I have seen her around.” He lied, flashing his pearly whites, “am I free to leave?”

“Are you not curious as to who she is?” ‘The detective who’s always angry’ didn’t seem very angry today, perhaps he had sexual intercourse, Whizzer thought to himself. In fact, Whizzer was not curious at all. Her name was Cordelia, she was about five foot seven, blue eyes, perfectly blonde hair that she would say was natural, but she actually got dyed with the chemicals she had stolen from the ammunition factory during the war, charming smile, but odd laugh and worked for “mother” the same way Whizzer did.

“Of course, just did not think that you would tell me.”

“Her name is Cordelia Vandertunt. Or at least, that is her latest alias.” He took the file from Whizzer’s hands, “we think she works for Mother.”

“Your Mother?” Whizzer asked, faux confusion as he replaced his spectacles on the top of his head again. ‘The Detective who’s always angry,’ smiled, a bloodcurdling smile that almost scared Whizzer, knowing he had overdone it. “Oh, the one who is in the paper!”

“Yes Mr Brown.” The man took a pack of long dainty cigarettes Whizzer had only ever seen woman and homosexuals smoke from his breast pocket, taking one out before offering Whizzer a second.

“no thank you Detective, I will politely decline.” He shook his head, “I have done extensive research into Cigarettes being bad for your health.”

“So, you are one of those nutters.” The detective laughed, holding the cigarette elegantly between his fingers, taking a seat on the desk.

“no sir, but I will be the one laughing once I outlive you to the sixties.”

“Why not die now? the twenties will be the peak of society anyway.”

“hardly detective, I am part of a group that advocates for homosexuals, people of colour and woman’s rights.”

“as I said, the twenties will be the peak of society.”

“so, you think equal rights are possible and that they are a bad thing?”

“no. I just do not agree. Women have a place in the kitchen, their feet are smaller just so they are closer to the sink. Fairies, we- they are on the earth to show us what not to do, they are sick, not even human. same can be said about the n******”

“ugh, you are so very naff.” ‘the detective who’s always angry’ narrowed his eyes as he recognised the slang as being from the homosexuals at the time. “or maybe that is just your mask.”

“I am sorry Mr Brown, but what do you think you are insinuating.”

“oh, nothing Detective,” Whizzer replied, standing up, “you just seem to strike me as…” He shook his head, smiling “it does not matter.”

“Mr Brown?” ‘the detective who was always angry’ had a warning tone to his voice.

“A wolf, detective, that is all.”

“are you…dropping pins?”

Whizzer pulled his tuxedo jacket back on, walking to the door, “both of us have to be queer for it to be known as ‘dropping pins’ Detective, and we both know that is illegal.” He replied, leaving the interrogation room.

He left the precinct quickly, replacing the hat on his head as he hailed a cab on the busy street.

“where to Mister?” the driver asked, pulling up next to him.

“dreamland.” Whizzer replied, sitting in the back as he stared out of the window, wondering if ‘the detective who was always angry’ was actually a pansy, or just accidentally said ‘we’ instead of ‘‘them’’.

“alright mate, one dollar fifty.”

“will two dollars suffice?”

“of course, sir.”

Whizzer quickly entered dreamland, the large feathered entrance feeling slightly too grand for first thing on a Tuesday morning. He was instantly made alive by the jazzers warming up their saxophones and pianos as he entered the ballroom, high ceilings with a large chandelier hanging from the centre. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a brief glimpse of ‘mother’ in the large observatory window leading to her office, but as he turned, she disappeared further than he could see.

“oh, good god Whizzer, are you alright?” the air was knocked out of Whizzer’s lungs as a blur of blonde hugged him tight. “I thought for certain they had got you after the whole, ‘fruited plain’ incident.”

Whizzer nodded, remembering the raid he had been involved in several weeks earlier at the north end of the rambles in central park, a popular gay man’s hangout. “I am, but my dear girl, you may not be.”

Cordelia’s face went as white a sheet, “dear lord! Whizzer, my family said they would force me out onto the streets if I got into any more trouble!” she exclaimed, “what have they got on me?”

Whizzer lowered his voice “they think you have connections to mother.”

“I do have connections to mother!”

“look, this will be alright, I have a plan.” He replied, tapping his nose like he had seen done in the movie theatres one time.

Cordelia moved anxiously on the spot, “what is it?”

“I have a feeling that the detective on the case- “

“-handsome but obtuse nose?” Cordelia interrupted

“- ‘the one who’s always angry’”

“I have never had him”

Whizzer shook his head, “well, I have a feeling that he is at the least a jocker, I’m going to have to get proof, but I can tell you for certain that he is a rough trade.”

“But Whizzer, is this not what we fight against? We believe that it should not be illegal to be a flapper, or a bulldagger, are we not taking steps back by black mailing this poor man for being queer?”

Whizzer took Cordelia’s face in his hands, “I know my dear girl, but I love you and I vowed that I would keep you safe.” He kissed her cheek as he went to walk off, “now, you may want to consider going underground for several days.”

Whizzer pranced along as he let his hair loose, whispering how much he had enjoyed his previous night’s activities into the ear of the man who blew the French horn. “It is not the only thing you can blow darling.” He whispered into the man’s ear, winking as he sidled up to the bar, the beautiful singer already having a glass of Champagne.

“my dear, how are you today?” He asked.

The girl pulled up her silk gloves, sighing as they instantly fell back down slightly, “not good.”

“look, Charlotte, I would not ask this of you unless I had to, but we may be getting some of our detective friends visiting us soon...”

“I will kiss you goodbye if I see any unfamiliar faces.”

“thank you, my love. Is Mother upstairs?”

“yes, and she is already in the most intolerable mood.” She replied, picking up her powder compact and adding some more blush to her face, “But she always is with me, how do I look?”

“perfect as usual darling, you may also want to spend the night with, you know whom.”

Charlotte smirked, “anytime brother dearest.”

Charlotte was not Whizzers real sister, anyone could tell you that by how white whizzer was in comparison to her gorgeous caramel skin, but because they all called their boss ‘mother’ it was sometimes nice to joke about it. Whizzer quickly turned to check the entrance, and leapt over the bar, smacking the barkeep’s ass as he pulled open the hidden door that was full of liquor, taking a final smile as he closed it behind him. Quickly, he got onto the elevator.

“you know where old chap.” He said as he manually closed the doors, the person manning the elevator nodding and putting down his newspaper before beginning to crank the handle that pulled the elevator slowly upwards, Whizzer smoothing his hair down again.

Mother didn’t even turn around as he entered. “you are late.” She said, her tone as cold as the ice in her glass, as per usual. She shook the beautiful sculpted glass she held, the ice cubes clinking against the side in the brown liquid. “By four days in fact.”

“Mother, I- “

“you will not interrupt me.” She suddenly turned, and as Whizzer did every time, he saw her, his jaw dropped as he marvelled at her beauty. Her long brown hair cascading over her shoulders, her long ballgown, a beautiful pink, and a grey fur wrapped around her. She gestured to the decanter on a pure gold drinks trolley, and Whizzer stepped forward, feeling rude to not accept the second drink she had already made. There was something about her that made you feel as though she could read your mind. “now, Whizzer Brown, why could you not keep that thing of yours in your trousers long enough so that you would not be caught by the police?!”

“that was not what I was taken into the station for. They need an in, they are onto you Mother.”

She casually drained her drink, quickly pouring herself another, “who are they using?”

“Cordelia. But they have taken a bite for the Vandertunt name. I have a plan.”

Mother nodded her head firmly, in thought as she bit her lip, “They have been tailing you, I presume?”

“for at least a week after they let me out, that is why I am late.”

“and how do you know they are not following you now?”

“I am trained mother. Anyway, the lead detective is a homo, I think I could- “Mother held up her hand to stop Whizzer and he instantly trailed off, knowing better than to disrespect her.

“well you obviously are not trained enough.” She said as she closed her fingers into a point and moved her hand until it was pointing out of her magnificent eye shaped window overlooking the ballroom. Whizzer followed until he finally saw him.

“that is him! That is the queer one!” He exclaimed.

“is he now…”

Suddenly the door was slammed open, Cordelia breathing heavily as she stood in its doorway, “ Police… they have a warrant…they are searching the place-” she finally slowed her breathing down and managed to get the words out, “- they were looking for Mother, Whizzer and Me, I must hide otherwise they will know that Whizzer was fibbing!”

“okay. Whizzer, you go downstairs, use the back exit,” she sighed, “I am sure you are used to it dear god; I will join you in a moment.” Mother instructed calmly, “Cordelia, hide up here, they will not find you.”

Whizzer sprang into action, going back down in the elevator before heading out of the back exit, circling around the building before entering through the front for the second time that day, strutting again into the ballroom. “Ahhh, Detective, it is wonderful to see you again. May I ask, why are you here at my place of work?”

“Mr brown, I am sure you know why I am here.”

“oh good, because I was meaning to ask you if you maybe wanted to go out for afternoon tea with me soon. I really did want to hear more about your views on… homosexuals.” Whizzer was playing the only true card he knew how to play, the flirtatious version of himself, which also just so happened to be the normal version of himself.

“well then, you obviously do not know why I am here.” ‘the detective who’s always angry’ replied, “I am looking for mother, we have intel that she is - good god woman, what are you doing here!?” Whizzer turned and almost fell over in shock, seeing Mother dressed in a plain, modest dress, adding years to her age as she walked in on flats compared to her normal cutthroat heels. “Where is Jason?”

She wore an outdated purse around her shoulder as she went to kiss ‘the one who’s always angry’ cheek. “I booked a nanny; will you please introduce me Marvin?” Whizzer was even more shocked to find her voice leap up several octaves, warm and sunny as she spoke.

“Well, this is my wife Trina, and this- “he gestured to Whizzer “This is Mr Brown.”

“How do you do Mr Brown; it is wonderful to meet you.”

Whizzer was able to finally remove the fish eyed stare from his face, “likewise… Trina” As he said her name, Trina broke character for a second, becoming the icy woman Whizzer had always known her to be.

“Trina, why are you not at home, making dinner?”

Trina’s face became doe eyed and innocent again, “well my dear husband, I was making us some reservations. Can we go somewhere more…” She turned to see the group of her employees, all with similar faces to Whizzers, “private?”

Marvin nodded as he escorted her outside, Mother nodding at Whizzer, communicating unnoticed to turn the place clean, and the group got to work. Several minutes later, she entered again, alone, the room instantly turning silent.

“It looks like because of you Whizzer Brown; I will be having another child.” She sneered slightly, turning to see the jazzers having stopped, “get back to work all of you, or I will personally rip off your balls and shove them right up your behind, although-“ she turned back to Whizzer again, voice low and quiet, “-some of you would probably enjoy that.”

Then she strutted off, stopping rather suddenly, “actually Whizzer, I want you to go ahead with the plan.”