Jan was completely exhausted when she finally lied down in her and Jackie’s bed that day. Work had been horrible. She had kept on forgetting her lines during rehearsal, making the director and her co-stars slightly annoyed at her. When she got home, Jackie and her fought over a stupid thing she couldn’t even remember now no matter how hard she tried to. The truth was that both women were extremely tired lately because of their jobs. Rent is expensive in New York City and because they were both actresses and their income wasn’t stable, they were stressed. They fought for no reason all the time. They got mad, they screamed, they even cried sometimes. They always made up and talked about it like responsible adults afterwards, of course, but Jan felt like their relationship was sailing through troubled waters. She just hoped the ship wouldn’t sink one of these days. Every time she had these thoughts, she tried to be rational and to tell herself that Jackie loved her and that they were stronger than whatever their stupid argument of the day was about. She knew that she wouldn’t let go of Jackie that easily. Jackie was the love of her life, she was certain of it. But she also knew that fear was a powerful thing and, truthfully, Jan was afraid of losing her girlfriend. The nights where they used to stay up until dawn and talk about their future turned into sleepless, tossing and turning fits. The days when Jan’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much turned into days where Jan tried to squeeze quick naps during her breaks at work because her overthinking kept her up again. The life she had envisioned with Jackie was slipping through her fingers.
She laid calmly, feeling the coolness of the bedsheets surrounding her, completely drained of any ounce of the energy she was known for. Her head was resting on Jackie’s chest and her arms were securely wrapped around the brunette’s waist, one of her legs draped over hers. Jan kissed her lover’s collarbone softly, breathing it in the familiar scent of lemon body wash as the other threaded her fingers through the woman’s long blonde hair. They were at peace, light years away from the rage they had felt a few hours prior. The shorter girl tried to banish the thought of this peace being temporary. The couple tried to forget that the cycle they seemed to be stuck in would repeat itself tomorrow. Work, argue, make up, insomnia, intrusive thoughts, lack of sleep; This was just a routine Jan knew all too well by now.
“A penny for your thoughts, babe,” Jackie whispered softly, worried that her usually talkative girlfriend was being so quiet.
“It’s just, what if we ever break up, Jacks? I love you, you know that, but I feel like all we ever do these days is fight. I don’t want what we have to end, but what if it does? I’m so scared…”
“This kind of stuff keeps me up at night, babe. I feel the same way, believe me.”
Instead of trying to comfort her with words, Jan simply held her tighter. She listened to the city sounds that resonated outside their minuscule Hell’s Kitchen apartment. Even at night, the streets were never silent, the concrete jungle never asleep.
“But do you wanna know what I think about when it gets too much?” Jackie asked as she sat up against the bed’s headboard, gently pulling Jan with her. The younger one repositioned herself, sitting on the curly-haired girl’s lap.
“What do you think about?” She asked, almost silent.
“I think about all the amazing memories we share and I also think that if we made it through four years already, then we can make it through anything. It sounds cliché but I know it’s true.”
“I could never bear to let you go. Do you promise we’ll keep trying?”
“I promise we will, I’m ready to do whatever it takes to keep you in my life. Let’s try to sleep for now, I know you have to be up early for rehearsal tomorrow morning.”
They laid back down on their bed and turned the lights off. The room was so silent, but now, Jan knew it was a good kind of silence. She felt relieved knowing that her lover felt the same way. She tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position on their crappy mattress. Jackie’s eyes were closed and she was breathing softly, she was probably sleeping. Jan laid on her back and stared at the ceiling, trying not to wake up her girlfriend.
“Jan?” She jumped slightly, surprised that her lover hadn’t drifted off.
“Jan, could you cuddle me please? Can’t sleep…”
The blonde smiled lovingly and rested her head on the brunette’s chest. She thought it was endearing how cuddly her girlfriend would get when she was sleepy. Their close friends probably believed than Jan was the clingier one in the relationship, but the couple knew it was the other way around. The girl carefully intertwined her fingers with the short-haired woman, gentle as ever. After hushed words of love and reassurance towards their future, the two eventually fell asleep, wrapped up in each other’s arms and so, so in love.