There’s really so many questions left when there’s a sudden break up and one or both of them seem not to let go of anything and everything yet. They keep on asking questions like “Am I not worth it?” “Am I still not enough?” “Did you ever love me your whole life?” “Did you at least considered my feelings?” and so many more that made both Dahyun and Momo anxious. Heck, it’s been almost 3 years already, but why did the ghost of each other still haunts them at night and doesn’t give them a peaceful sleep? It’s been freaking 3 years, but why did they still hold on to regrets, to maybes and what ifs, to every single thing that connects their past relationship? It’s been a long 3 years for them that feels like a lifetime already that they can’t seem to let go, no, not yet, or maybe never.
The first thing to ask is that, why did they both agree to break up when they knew, deep down, all along, that they are destined for each other? That they will fight against all odds? That they can still stay, will definitely stay, even if one asks them to go away? That they will stand still beside each other? Why the hell did they make that pathetic decision of breaking up when they know, they fucking know, that they still love each other?
“Things change”
“It’s not the same anymore”
For the record, couples who answers in those types of questions basically has similar answers and people are somewhat all tired of it already. Really? They fell out of love? There’s a third party involved? Needed some space? It’s not you, it’s me? Come on, give them some fresh white lies, something like, they don’t want each other’s scent, or because one of them is not hygienic, or because they do not have the same music taste and doesn’t have the same kind of movie genre, or because one doesn’t want the way she dress up in dates.
So, why did really things fall apart?
They were so sweet, they were so perfect. They were each other’s partner for life, until Momo decided to end everything between the both of them. It sucks, it really sucks knowing that the two of them are doing more than okay, then Momo suddenly just pulls the “I don’t love you anymore” card. How come? Since when? Dahyun wants answers, she wants Momo to explain it clearly to her, to at least make her understand what just happened that made her say those words out of the blue, but nothing came out of the girl’s mouth after that, not even sorry or at least thank you. She just plainly left the pale girl there, so confused, so hurt, so lost with what just happened.
Dahyun felt that the whole universe turned its back to her (indeed, because Momo is her whole universe) and she’s suffering, she feels her heart aches so much that makes her so hard to breathe. Her vision became blurry and all she can remember is Momo’s cold voice that echoes in her whole being.
“I’m breaking up with you, Kim Dahyun”
And Momo was there, walking away, but as soon as she turned her back to the once love of her life, her tears started falling and it doesn’t stop even if she wipes it all. It sure hurts.
They clearly did nothing wrong. Both of them are loyal, they trust each other, they still give each other the space and time they need for themselves and does not have many restrictions on their relationship. They are allowed to wear whatever they want, they are allowed to meet up with their friends, do their hobbies and what makes them happy, not like the typical relationships out there that has dominant and submissive type of relationship. They still look like the best friends their own circle of friends know because they act as lovers privately, reserves their hugs and kisses and cuddles somewhere far away from the judging public. They do not keep secrets from each other. They even met their respective families and was accepted after a few tries and good points. They make sure to listen to every story they have at the end of the day that made the both of them relieved knowing that they still have each other after a long, tiring, exhausting day.
But they got tired of all of that, all of a sudden. They barely got into fights. They do not have much thrill in their relationship that may be leading them to some kind of internal problem— the “it’s not you, it’s me” card, because maybe others are right, if one overthinks that their relationship is way too perfect and the idea of sudden sickness from everything pops out, then it’s near the endgame. And it did. Who thought that they will get used to each other’s presence, I love you’s, good night’s, take care’s, cuddles, hugs, sweet, soft kisses, lullabies, listening to each other’s stories? Weren’t they too harsh, of feeling that way to the person they really love and once promised they won’t let go of? Wasn’t it a stupid idea, a really stupid, trash idea because who the hell gets used to love, appreciation, support they get for free? Or maybe everything’s just too sudden that they didn’t get to think about the words that escape their mouths? And the moment Dahyun let Momo walk away from her and not chase her? Because they were so sure back then, they were so sure that they are each other’s endgame, so they didn’t prepare themselves for the sudden fall down.
They should be celebrating their 7 years of being girlfriends this year, should have a party because of how long their relationship had become, and one of them may ask for the other’s hand for marriage, but things happened and so they barely live, breathes to reality. They always work hard to cope up with what’s happening around them, even though some, or most parts of them are still locked up in the past, somehow wants to get out and answer all the left questions for the both of them to finally breathe, move forward and continue living their lives normally again.
They sure did love each other. They do love each other. And if the both of them, or at least one of them, are brave enough to admit it and ask for a second chance, then problem solved. But no, it’s not their usual perfect, fairy tale, happy ending love story anymore because this is reality.
If only Dahyun held her hand back then, if only she ran to her and hugged her back back then, if only she said sorry for the things she had done (good or bad) back then, if only she begged for a second chance right away back then, if only she’s not a coward back then, if only she doesn’t let Momo felt that way in the first place, then maybe they’re still going strong, celebrating the love they had for a long time since then. And if only Momo did not felt and thought of surfeit because really, who will get tired of Kim Dahyun that’s oh, so lovely, that’s the personification of sunshine and is surely a fluff ball, that doesn’t know how to get angry and doesn’t hold grudges to anyone, that thinks of positive things only, that is so romantic and sweet that she can give someone she loves the stars and the moon if she was asked to? It’s Momo, that person was Momo, and she regrets, she deeply regrets having that kind of feeling because Dahyun surely doesn’t deserve that kind of thought, treatment and Momo admits that she was really wrong with that part and she doesn’t deserve having a Kim Dahyun in her life.
Of course, there will be definitely regrets even if the both of them doesn’t see any hint of it—regrets definitely resides at the end. They will regret about the wasted years, the kind of bond they have built over the years, the time and effort spent, and how come will they just let go of the person who have seen their soul, memorized their personality and whole being, promised to stay until the end? How will they let go of each other if deep down they knew, they can still give it a second shot and try to restart again?
Of course, there will be definitely the list of what if’s and maybe’s where they will just make the fool out of themselves that will lead to their conclusion of: what if I didn’t ever said that to her? and maybe if I wasn’t a stupid jerk, I’m still with her. There will be a long list, a series of questions that will never be answered because the only one who can answer it is not with them anymore. Even if they already know that it cannot be answered, even if they are still longing for answers and explanations, they just keep their mouth shut, letting themselves be eaten by their harsh thoughts.
And why do they still hold on to memories?
Even if it only hurts them? Even if it will only make them regret more? Even if it will only add to their list of what if’s and maybe’s that will eventually make them over think over and over again? Even if they know that it will just remain to be a painful, yet sweet memory for them?
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them hugging so tight and holding hands as if they are the only ones existing in this world? That they do not care about people will say about them, that they will express who they are, regardless of anything. They find the comfort and warmth in each other only and it can only be given by them. It’s the warmth they always crave every day, it’s the hug that’s oh, so sweet and tight they do not want to let go with, it’s the hands that they will never get tired of holding and will never let it go.
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them eating ice cream at their favorite shop? That one day when Momo requesting that she’s craving for bingsu and Dahyun surely can’t resist the girl so even if she’s in the middle of reviewing for the next day’s preliminary exams, she still went with the girl because she also needs a break from studying, therefore needs an inspiration, her own inspiration to pass the exams.
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them reading books at the school library? That every once in a while they do because apparently Dahyun’s a bookworm and Momo finds her so attractive when her nose is buried in her books and she’s oh, so serious reading it, then will suddenly just blabber about Scientific or Mathematical facts that will earn an amusement from her girlfriend because she surely wants to graduate with flying colors and they both want that to happen. (And it did, they both achieved it).
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them having late night talks and walks, especially when they are stressed with everything’s happening around them and their escape from reality is that? When one night all they do is just hold hands, admire the beauty of nature and each other, then everything seems so fine again. They will talk about the future, what are they short-term and long-term goals, their dream house, the dog they want to adopt, on why the moon was so beautiful that night, their favorite song, the lullaby they want to listen to over and over again.
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them walking at the park while admiring the beautiful flowers? And that one time when there’s a lost dog, Momo’s so eager to adopt it already only to earn a smile from her girlfriend saying that they should take it to whoever authority’s present in that vicinity, and Momo just pouted at her, that made Dahyun promised that they will adopt a dog some other time. That moment doesn’t stop them from having a positivity though, because they were surrounded by flowers, and the most beautiful of them all was each other.
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them binge-watching movies at Momo’s bedroom even if it’s already late at night? Even if they’re both a scaredy cat, but still chooses the horror and thriller one? That one time when they both said that they will not scream nor jump nor close or cover their eyes when the climax comes but even way before that they are already arguing whether they will still continue until the end or switch genres. They got to binge-watch Barbie movies in the end, though, much to Momo’s liking and it’s fine for Dahyun, as long as she sees her girlfriend happy.
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them watching the sunset by the sea and wishing for their relationship to last forever? When they promised to take care of each other, promised to love one another until the end, they knew that the both of them are true to their words, and so they keep on holding on to it. The sunset really is a pleasure sight for them to witness, especially if they’re together, it gives them the feeling of assurance that everything will be better in no time, and so they both believes it. They believed in each other, in their relationship.
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them window shopping for house furniture, assuming they will have their own home in the future? Momo’s really fond of strolling around the department store particularly in the home decor section because it feels like they were really adults, wanting to have a nice lifestyle by picking their own furniture for their own home in the future. Dahyun found it really cute, really sweet because imagining waking up next to the person you love in the morning surely is a wonderful sight, a wonderful feeling Dahyun wants to experience in the near future. However, things change, and they need to get used to waking up with scattered pillows and blankets every morning.
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them singing lullabies at night until the both of them falls into slumber? Where Dahyun will sing her favorite mellow song to Momo until she fell asleep, makes sure that the other is in a comfortable sleeping position before hanging up the phone and sending a good night message to the girl. It became a really sweet gesture to the both of them that they just want to end their day with each other’s voices that they will never get tired of listening to again and again (except that one time, they did).
Why do they still hold on to that memory of them that cheers each other up in any kind of situation and always assuring that they will stay? Where they whisper sweet nothings when one of them can’t calm down with everything’s happening around them, the other one makes sure that she’s safe, that she has someone to lean on and hold hands with, someone she can hug and cry to, someone that will make her feel alright again, someone that will wait for her until she has steady breathing and a calm heart again. They were always beside each other in any kind of situation that they learned to deal with any of it as long as they are together. They made an unspoken promise that they will not let each other be eaten by negativity and any other things that will drag them down. They always make sure to wipe each other’s tears away, hold on to each other’s hands, feel the tightness of their hug, and the warmth that only each other can give.
Why do they still hold on to every photos and letters and gifts and stuff toys and dried flowers and grocery receipts and chocolate packs they got from each other? Where one day they decided to collect anything that has a meaning for them. For example, their first date, they got to hide the receipt from the restaurant and one petal from the bouquet Dahyun gave Momo, or that first time when they went grocery shopping just because they want to, they kept the receipt, or that moment when they got their first stuff toy from a claw machine in their favorite game station.
Why do they still hold on to each and every memory of them when it will only just remain as a memory? That they can’t go back to all or any of them even if they want to, even if they really want to?
And why do they still hold on to broken promises and unfulfilled dreams, knowing it will just ruin them in the end? It will just add to their piling thoughts and lists of regrets, failures, what if’s, maybe’s?
So why do they still hold on to everything that has traces of them?
“Because I’m certain that I’m still in love with you, and will forever be in love with you”
At the end of the day, they still survived without any Kim Dahyun or Hirai Momo by their side to welcome them with a pair of arms saying that they did well for the day, that will hug them tight and kiss her so sweetly, that will make dinner for them, that they will watch movies with, talk with until the clock strikes 2 and realizes that they really need to sleep already, that will send good morning message to them the day after. Nothing, just the sound of the air conditioner, plain washed white walls, and the photo of them on the side table.
“I won’t ever forget you, Kim Dahyun”
“Thank you for the memories, Hirai Momo”
And in this lifetime, they didn’t get their happy ending like they assumed to have, but maybe in another lifetime.