"Just… write how you feel, kiddo. It'll come to you."
Ellie furrows her brow.
"How I feel is sarcastic, and funny. Does that make good song writing material? Or do I have you be all soppy and shit."
Joel chuckled, making sure his guitar was tuned before they continued their lesson.
"I mean- sure. Music can be about anythin', no rules to it."
"Apart from playing certain chords a certain way..."
He gave her a dead eyed stare.
"Well, obviously there's some rules. It's about expressin' yourself. Play what you want, sing what you want-"
He strummed his guitar, giving an amused smile.
"- it's all up to you."
Ellie only really understood what he meant a year later. They'd become quite comfy in Jackson, and Ellie had made her own friends.
She didn't want to acknowledge the fact she was crushing hard on her friend, until she started dating her other best friend.
Her journal was heavy in her hands. She wanted to write her feelings, but they honestly scared her. She'd never outwardly said it, thought it.
I'm… damn it. I'm gay.
She let out a heavy sigh, hands shaking as she wrote the words on the paper.
That's it. It's… it's there. I'm gay.
Her mouth tugged up into a grin, a weight she didn't know she'd been carrying being lifted from her shoulders.
She'd rushed across the lawn, banging on Joel's door. He slammed it open, tired eyes wide.
"What?! Ellie, are you o-"
"I'm gay! Like, totally completely-" she whistled, dashing her hand between them, "-super duper into girls- women!"
He wiped his eyes, nodding with a soft smile.
"That's great kiddo, had the revelation?"
He was joking, but paused when she hugged him.
After that night, she started trying to write her own songs, music in her head as the lyrics came to her.
She never played for anyone though, not even Dina, who was giggling on Jesse's lap.
After the lyrics, chords came, and she had her own songs.
Ellie still never played for anyone, intentionally, anyway.
Sat on Joel's porch; rocking back and forth on a creaky chair, as the full moon beamed, a warm summer breeze brushing her face, alone as he went to get a bottle of whiskey from his brother…
That's when it came to her, the urge to play her own music.
Her fingers twitched for the strings resting on the guitar across her lap, face buzzing from the small amount she'd been allowed to drink.
Ellie doesn't know what she's playing, until she starts to sing.
"... Am I allowed... to look at her, like… that? Could it be wrong… when she's just… so nice, to look at?"
She strums, humming under her breath as she quietly sings to the moon.
"And she smells like... lemongrass and sleep. She tastes like apple juice- and peach… Oh, you would find her… in a Polaroid picture."
Despite her best efforts, deep eyes and a bright smile comes to mind.
"... And she… means everything to... me… oh-"
"You should tell her."
Ellie yelps, her fingers drumming wrong and making an awkward twang as she jumps. Joel is leaning against the fence, she hadn't even noticed him come over.
"Wha- what?! Tell who… ah, fuck it."
She strummed the guitar in one quick movement, leaning against it with a moan of distress.
Joel retakes his seat in the rocking chair next to hers, pouring himself a drink, taking a sip with a crisp sigh.
"I was in love… once."
Ellie thuds her head against the instrument.
"I don't need a pep talk, Joel. We're never gonna happen."
He shrugs, raising his glass to his mouth.
"Well, you already know what she tastes like, so-"
She groans, the sound weird and echoed in her guitar's belly.
"It's a figure of speech! She doesn't- doesn't really taste of apple juice and- and fuckin' peach!"
"What about… lemongrass, and...what was it, … Sleep? What does that even taste like-"
Ellie shoves her guitar, grinning despite her best attempt at an 'annoyed' expression.
"Yeah, I get it. Lyrics are… they're stupid."
Joel puts the bottle down, sliding it over to her with a glass.
"Now, I never said that. I think it's quite… emotional. It's nice."
Ellie is thankful for the dark, as it hid the blush of her cheeks.
"Yeah, well… it's how I feel."
Joel bends down with a small grunt, picking up her guitar and handing it to her.
"Would you mind… finishin' it for me?"
She stares at the instrument, taking it with shaking hands. Sure, Ellie has played for Joel, even sung, but they were never her own songs.
She settles the guitar on her leg, taking steadying breaths after a swig of whiskey.
"Gah, where does Tommy get this shit?"
"Mm, hell, probably. Made a deal with the devil for it, too."
"Well, he should get a refund. Tastes like-"
"Devils Whiskey, I know."
She grins, staring at her feet. They start to tap, and Joel leans back in his chair, staring at the moon while she gets her rhythm.
She's thankful.
"I'd... never tell. No, I'd never say a word. And oh, it aches… but it feels oddly good to... hurt."
She lets out a shuddered sigh, tapping a little slower.
"And I'll be okay… Admiring, from afar. 'Cause even when she's next to me, we could not be- more far apart."
Joel's smile is sadder, but he doesn't stop.
"And she tastes like birthday cake and story time and fall. But... to her? I taste… of- nothing at all."
She hums, Joel is tapping his thigh, leaning over and topping up her glass.
"Yes... she, means... everything, to- me… She… means, everything to... me…"
Ellie finishes, awkwardly tapping her fingers against her guitar to fill the silence. Joel lets out a low sigh, tapping the glass over to her with his foot.
She takes the glass and almost downs the drink.
"... Well, it was very good, Ellie."
She nods, tapping the glass.
"Yeah, sure. Thanks."
"Hey," he pats her knee, getting her to look him in the eye, "I mean it. That was… it was really somethin'. You're gifted, kiddo."
She smiles, holding up her arm.
"In more ways than one?"
He lets out a breathy laugh, leaning back on his chair again, which she copies. They both start to gently rock their chairs, staring at the clear sky.
"Yeah, lots 'a ways."
Months later, the two girls finally got a chance to talk, and after a year, and a lot of questions about "Original Ellie Songs", she played her the song.
Dina fell deeper in love with her, and made sure to prove her song wrong every day.