ShadowDance

     Therese left the bathroom dressed in an old pair of Maggie’s slacks, a flannel shirt, and a thick pair of socks.  The clothing was all too big, and Elaine was disconcerted at the young woman’s almost waif-like appearance.  What had happened to the Therese she’d gotten to know, the self-assured, confident, beaming young woman who so often came breezing into her home with a huge smile and vibrating energy that sent Sparky into frenzied excitement?  Now, the Newfoundland stood next to his owner, his dark eyes peering at Therese as if searching for a hidden treasure.

     At a loss for words, Elaine took a measured breath.  “So, tell me dear, how are you now?  Did the bath help?  I’ve put your clothes in the wash.”  She leaned forward, indicating the cup of steaming coffee and small plate that had been placed on the coffee table.  “Here, drink this.  And this is blueberry bread I made yesterday.  Fresh berries from down the road.”  The older woman slid it closer to her guest.  “Please eat, Therese.  Fill up your belly and keep that bread from my hips!”  She smiled with tenderness, aware of her almost rambling speech.

     Therese reached for the cup, and there was a slight tremor in her grip.  She made a valiant attempt to make eye contact.  “I’m kind of…I don’t know why…”  A muscle in her jaw clenched, and she reached for Sparky.  The dog moved immediately, burying his large head in her lap.  With her hands deep in his thick, soft coat, the young woman shook her head.

     “I’m so sorry to be like this.”  Her voice was barely more than a whisper.  Her hands flailed; Elaine imagined geese in an autumn sky.  “I don’t know what to do…I don’t think she wants to be alone with me…I’m not sure where to be…”  Her voice was fading, and the other woman watched Therese rub her abdomen.  Everything comes full circle.  She had turned alarmingly pale.  It seemed to take a lifetime for her to speak again.  “It was an awful trip, you know…”  Everything comes full circle.

     Elaine nodded, her blue eyes understanding.  “It must have been, dear.  You arrived in a blinding thunderstorm.  I thought the wind was going to blow the pines through the roof!”

     Therese went on as if she hadn’t heard the woman speak, a hand still stroking her midsection.  “It was freezing!  And I was just so lost…I woke up to a note!”  Tears filled her eyes, her look faraway.  Everything comes full circle.  “It was horrible, and I just wanted to sob, and I…”  She swallowed with some difficulty.  “I had to get out and vomit and it was so…so…”  Sparky fidgeted at Therese’s feet, a whimper escaping him.  He nudged her hand, licking once or twice, trying to comfort.

     Elaine had grown tense.  She felt alarm growing within, and the hair on the back of her neck prickled to attention.  What kind of trip did Therese just have?  Had she been hurt?  A note?  Why?  From whom?  Did Imiss something when she arrived?  My God, had the child been robbed?  Or…worse?  Now her pulse quickened, and she felt herself wishing desperately for Maggie.  Or Alicia.  They would know what to do.

     “…so terrible!”  Therese looked almost frantic now.  “And she was just so silent, Elaine…not talking much, just chain smoking…”  Her voice faded.  Next to her on the sofa, the older woman was shaking her head, vacillating between fear and confusion.  A log in the fireplace fell, startling her into speech.  She scooted over and reached for Therese’s hand.

     “Darling, I must tell you I’m frightened for you!  And worried!  Tell me, please—were you just robbed?  Or attacked?  And what note?”  Elaine feared she had asked too many questions. The deep green eyes that held hers looked perplexed, and Therese’s dark, sculpted brows drew together as she considered her host’s words.

     “Robbed?”  She shook her head, and silky hair brushed against cool, pale cheeks.  Her free hand moved against Sparky’s neck, and she looked down as if surprised to see the giant dog with the benevolent stare.  Then her glance returned to Elaine.  “No.  No, I wasn’t attacked.”  Her stomach groaned.  “I wasn’t talking about now.”  Another shake of her head, as if attempting to clear dark clouds.  “I’m sorry, maybe it’s because I haven’t slept.”  She looked embarrassed, and the other woman squeezed her hand to reassure her.  “I was just remembering another time, I guess.”  Her voice sounded shaken, subdued.  Sparky licked her hand again, though he knew his mistress wouldn’t approve.

      Elaine cleared her throat, feeling the tension ebb from her shoulders.  “Well, I must say I’m a bit lost, darling.  Do you want to tell me about it?”  Her voice was tender and inviting.  “I can listen rather well, you know.”

     Therese nodded rather vaguely.  “Oh, it’s something that happened a while ago, when Carol and I had first met.  She left me…unexpectedly.  It was very hard.”  Everything comes full circle.  She shuddered, amazed that her memories could still bring a chill.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I brought it up.”  The shrug of her shoulders seemed tentative. 

     “Well, whatever happened, perhaps it was a bit traumatic for you?  For you to be thinking of it now?”  Elaine spoke softly, her voice rich with understanding.  “That can happen to all of us, honey,” she said, “and it’s certainly not something to apologize for!” A thought flashed painfully, grease to flame: all the times she’d stood in the hospital’s hallway, terrified to enter Maggie’s room.  I understand.   

     Therese didn’t seem consoled.  “Last night…I didn’t feel safe.  It sounds crazy.  It’s just Carol…”  Her voice faded, and a sigh escaped her dry lips.  Looking toward the fire, she stared at the shooting flames with sad eyes.  Sparky had laid down on top of her feet, and Therese found herself loving his weight, as if she were a ship hurtling on rough seas and the sturdy pup, her anchor.

     “You’re afraid Carol will leave you?  But why, Therese?  What has changed between you?”  Elaine saw a flash of anger, a hardening.  She was afraid she had asked the wrong question.

     “It’s Harge!  He’s saying his company wants him to move to Florida, and if he goes, he’s taking Rindy.”  She choked back tears.  “And he’s just such an asshole, Elaine!  How can he even think of doing such a thing?  He knows how much Carol and Rindy love each other!  How can he even think about it?”  Now her eyes flooded, turning almost black.  “I’m not sure if Carol’s distancing is her departure warning, or even if…”  She paused, biting her lip.  “Or even if I should just offer to leave.”  Therese took her hand from Elaine’s, rubbing her temples, then kneading her neck where the muscles had seized.  When she made eye contact, an almost poetically tragic look graced her lovely face.

     “Wouldn’t that be loving, Elaine?  To let her go, so she can be with her daughter.  If this were you and Maggie—if Maggie were being kept from her daughter because of you—would you let her go?”  Her eyes pleaded for wisdom, for answers.  “You know, to—” She paused, struggling, “So the relationship isn’t standing in the way.” 

     The older woman shook her head, troubled.  I have no idea.  A sudden wave of restlessness washed over her, and she leaned forward, reaching for the plate of bread.   She busied herself buttering two slices, placing one on Therese’s plate.  “We moved to the far reaches of Long Island so we could live more freely.”  Elaine bit into the bread, the taste of blueberries exploding on her tongue.  Sparky lumbered to his feet, looking at her with a hopeful expression.  She smiled at her pet, consoled and strengthened.

     “Maggie and I fought for our love, Therese,” Elaine stated as she fed her dog a small morsel.  “But there was never a child involved.”  Sparky’s lower jaw dropped; he smiled, his coal black eyes aglow with expectation.  His owner leaned her head down, her short, silver-white hair in beautiful contrast to the Newfie’s mass of dark fur.  “One is enough, buddy.”

     Therese watched them, and a sudden, fierce ache filled her.  She missed Carol.  She missed their sweet mutt, Benny.  She missed Rindy, and she didn’t know if they would all be together again.  A sigh escaped her, and she closed her eyes against the pain.  Everything comes full circle.

     Elaine watched her troubled young friend, leaning over to give her hand a tender caress.  “Therese, you know you must talk this through with Carol, right?  And have you spoken to Alicia lately?  Does she have any words of wisdom for you?”  The young woman’s tired green eyes widened almost comically.

     “God, no!” she exclaimed.  “I mean, she would only—” She stopped, shaking her head, clearly horrified.  “Alicia will tell me to pray, Elaine, and this is not a time for praying!  I never get any answers, and I have no idea who to pray to, or if anyone is listening.” 

     Elaine gave a hearty laugh, amused at Therese’s stormy expression and utter lack of pretense.  It was a hopeful burst of life that she found reassuring.  And she completely understood her resistance.  It always seemed that at the very worst times of her life, Elaine had been rendered incapable of prayer.  But Alicia was her champion.  And somehow, the Divine, too, though she could never say how and was prone to deny it.

     “So, let me ask her to pray for you both, dear.”  Elaine’s expression was pointed, her voice soft.  “She would want to know this is happening, you know.”  She watched Therese, whose face was expressionless, except for her sleepy eyes.  The child is exhausted.  “I think you might need a bit of a rest, yes?  And I will call Carol, so she knows you’re safe and sound.  And Alicia, so she knows to pray.”

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     Sr. Alicia had wandered out to the gardens at Pace di Christo, unable to sit still in her room after speaking with Elaine.  Now, settled on a stone bench under a Silver Linden, she tilted back her head while taking a deep breath of the densely scented, summer air.  A light breeze was blowing her habit in gentle, pleasant ripples on her shoulders, and the old nun felt almost hypnotized by the gentle, repetitive swoosh.  For just a few moments, she gave herself the gift of simply being present—to the sweet air, the rustling leaves, the coolness of the bench, the calls of the birds, and the plentiful bees, buzzing from bloom to bloom in their small but vitally heroic way.

     She sighed.  Elaine’s call was a surprise.  But the news that Therese was struggling so badly was not.  Of course, Alicia had known!  It didn’t take a swami.  She hadn’t heard from her in close to a month.  This was the young woman’s pattern.  Whenever faced with a serious or threatening issue, she backed away.  Alicia was always able to sense Therese’s distance, and her fear.  Fear of loss, fear of needs, fear of God, fear of her truth.

     Ah, her precious Therese, her dear Carol, her sweet Rindy, and Harge!  Alicia sighed again, for a moment overwhelmed by the enormous significance of the decisions that soon would be made.  She felt moved to pray as she usually did, picturing these four vulnerable people.  She called them out of the dark passageways they inhabited; the shadowy alcoves; the hidden hollows beneath the stairs.  She drew them out into the sunshine.  Lifted them up to bathe them in the light.    

     Sr. Alicia took a deep breath, holding the image of these four dear ones, seeing them behind her closed eyes.  The breeze caressed her cheek, the birds sang their lullabies, the leaves danced in harmony.  Therese, Carol, Rindy, Harge.  Surrounded by light, held in loving hands.

     Here they are, Lord.  I pray Your love upon them.  Touch them with the power of transformation.  Do the work of your divine alchemy.  Grant them the grace of openness and the strength of your Spirit.  Bless them, Lord, bless them.  I thank you.  I thank you.  I thank you.

     The breeze kissed her cheek.  The birds sang their lullabies.  The leaves danced in harmony. 

     Sr. Alicia prayed in peace.