“How’s Dina?” Ellie can see how Jesse’s grip on the binoculars tightens. He takes a breath and shrugs before turning around to look at her.
“Wouldn’t know. We broke up, didn’t she tell you?” his gaze falls away again.
“No,… she didn’t.” If it were any other time Ellie would have been confused but Dina hadn’t spoken a word to her in seventy-four days, she’s counting, and at this point she is just hurt. “I’m sorry.” It’s only a whisper, Ellie doesn’t have it in her to say it any louder than that.
“Yeah.” Jesse let’s the pen fall back onto the table and bends down to pick up his bag. “Let’s go. A blizzard is heading our way and I want to be back in Jackson before it hits us.”
The ride home is quiet and it drives Ellie crazy. She and Jesse were everything but quiet. Their friendship used to be easy and fun, lately it is everything but. Now it is tense and mostly silent. Now it was bitten tongues and stifling air around them.
When Jackson’s gates come into view Ellie feels relieved. When she found out that Maria had scheduled her patrol with Jesse today she wanted to protest. She kept quiet instead, not wanting to let this turn into a whole thing. It already feels like a whole thing to her.
Inside she leads Shimmer to the stables and when she looks back to find Jesse still standing at the gate, talking to Tommy, she is almost glad.
Dina hadn’t spoken to her in weeks and Jesse had been acting different for just as long. At first Ellie felt angry, mostly at herself, wondering if she had done something wrong. They were her friends, they had no right. Her anger turned to sadness.
She sees Dina the same day. She catches her silhouette through the stained glasses of the diner. Dina sits with her friends and she laughs. She laughs with her whole body, open and free. Ellie feels sick. She wants the ground to open and swallow her whole. Ellie lingers a second too long and when Dina spots her through the glass she stops. She just stops. Her face falls and her laughter catches in her throat. It’s only a second but it’s enough to make her stop being happy and Ellie hates herself for it.
Dina turns back to her company and Ellie sees how she awkwardly plays with her fingers. She could have sworn there was shame on Dina’s face.
This night sleep doesn’t come. She begs for it. She needs it to comfort her. To make her stop feeling this for just a little bit.
The blizzard starts raging outside, the only thing she hears is the wind. She grabs the blanket around her and pulls it tighter. She pulls and pulls until she stops breathing. She holds her hands to her ears, she needs it to stop. But the wind is unbothered by her pleas.
She knows she is safe, her body is in Jackson, securely tucked under a blanket. Above her a roof that shields her from the snow. Knowing that she is safe only makes it worse.
When the wind grows louder she swears the snow found a way into her bed. It creeps along her limbs and all she can feel is the cold. Her knees are pulled up to her chest. Before her eyes flashes a picture. There’s white and there’s red. It’s blood and she feels it’s her own. Ellie is bleeding out right there, her body safely tucked under her blanket.
She doesn’t realize it when the door to the shed opens and falls close again. Her mind is swimming in the snow. Fingers desperately grasp at the red in front of her. She wants to shove it back, back inside of her.
And when a cold hand reaches for her back she almost falls out of the bed.
Dina is covered in white, leaving a wet trail on the floor. Ellie just stares, wondering if she is seeing a ghost.
Dina shrugs out of her coat and then she climbs into Ellie’s bed. She is cold and wet.
Ellie wants to open her mouth to speak, ask her what the hell she was thinking but no sound escapes her.
“I know.” It’s barely a whisper but Ellie hears it. She buries her face in Dina’s chest. A hand strokes her hair. It’s still cold but Ellie can breathe again.
When Ellie wakes up she is alone and she shortly wonders if she had imagined the comforting figure. Then she sees that the clothes she had carelessly thrown on the floor last night are neatly folded now, sitting at the foot of her bed.
Her ghost was real. Her ghost kept her close and carried her through the night.
She lifts a hand to her chest and then she cries.
Outside it’s still snowing, quietly now. It almost feels like last night never happened.
The next time she sees Dina again four days have passed since she last spoke to her. I know. She repeats those words in her head. Dina had known what the blizzard would do to her and she came. She was there when Ellie needed her. Knowing this only makes it worse.
When she sees her now she doesn’t call out. She wants to, she wants to ask what is happening to them. She wants to yell at her. Scream how she doesn’t understand but when Dina walks past her she stays still.
Another blizzard comes around. It’s not as bad as the last one but it’s bad enough. Bad enough for Ellie to stay in bed all day. She told Joel she would come over for breakfast. Needless to mention, she didn’t make it. So Joel visits her. He brings her a cup of tea and hugs her tightly. He wants to stay, to keep her company but she tells him to go. The tea still sits on her nightstand. Untouched and cold.
When the sun sets the wind grows louder. It slams against her window, trying to find a way in. She thinks she hears a cry in the distance but when she opens her eyes she can only hear the wind. It takes her a moment and when the moment passed she knows that she is the one crying. Her body is safe, her body is safe. She repeats it as if in prayer. She is safe. It doesn’t reach her heart.
Before she realizes what’s happening, a hand is back at her back. Rubbing circles into her muscles. Her ghost came for her.
When she turns to look there is no ghost, she sees Dina. Whole and in flesh. The woman strips her clothes until she is left standing in her underwear. Ellie doesn’t turn to look away. She fears if she does Dina would be gone again.
Then the body is next to her. Arms reach around to hold her and Ellie is falling.
This time she speaks “Dina?”
“Hmm.”
“What are you doing?”
“Shh.”
Dina tugs at her arm, urges her to turn around. When her back is pressed against Dina’s front she feels arm circle around her waist. Holding her close, almost too tightly. Ellie doesn’t dare to speak a word.
The wind is quieter now or maybe it isn’t.
She is sure she imagines it but then it happens again. She feels lips press against her neck. Then they are gone. Now they appear at her shoulder. Over and over again. She feels them everywhere. The wind is gone.
Dina’s hands reach for her face and turn it around. A hot breath lingers on her cheek and then there is another kiss, right beneath her eye. Ellie stops breathing. This isn’t happening. She fights against Dina’s arms, wants to turn around to look at her. She wants to see her eyes. When Dina lets her turn she stares in disbelieve. “What are you doing?” the question hovers above them.
“Just let me-… please.” And so she lets her. She lets fingers follow the outline of her face, to her eyebrow, over the scar. The finger traces down to her nose and finally reaches her lips. Dina tugs at them softly. Then her mouth is right in front of Ellie’s and she knows what it means. But Dina doesn’t close the space. She stays there for a moment or maybe it’s been hours. Ellie could not tell even if her life depends on it.
The lips start kissing at her jaw line instead. They fall down to her neck and leave a wet trail behind. Ellie feels the hot pressure of a tongue against her pulse point and decides she might pass out any moment.
Just as quickly as it came it is gone again. This time Ellie doesn’t have to wonder if it really happened. When she reaches for her neck she can still feel the warmth of her kisses.
“I-” Ellie starts and decides against it. Instead she grabs Dina’s face and brings their faces together. Dina’s nose touches hers and they both close their eyes. And at once her sadness washes away, there is no confusion left because she saw it in Dina’s eyes and now she knows. She knows what the last months meant. Why their friendship drifted, they both wanted so much more than that. She almost wants to laugh. Ellie can’t believe how dumb they were.
The morning after Dina is gone again and Ellie hurts before she remembers what had happened. And then she smiles. It takes her a moment to realize what had woken her up but then she registers the knock on her door and she calls the visitor inside.
Joel’s head appears when the door opens. “Everything alright, Kiddo?” He asks because she never sleeps this long when there is a blizzard and he knows it.
“Yeah, I'm fine.” and she is.