Long way down
Chapter 10 – Long way down
We've been in fire
Went down in the flames
We sailed the ocean
And drowned in the waves
Built a cathedral
But we never prayed
We had it all
And we walked away
It was hard to describe how she was feeling, but Nicole could say that she was agitated. Her hands were shaking and she was pacing. It was almost like she could throw up, even if she had barely eaten all day. Whom was she kidding? She was beyond nervous. It was the day of the first session she would attend at PeaceMaker and the redhead was waiting for Waverly to end her shift. They agreed that they would go there together and Nicole was thankful for that. She wasn’t sure if she would make it there alone.
“Hey, Nicole. Ready?” Waverly said at the door.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be,” Nicole admitted.
“Look at me,” the brunette held both sides of her friend’s face. “I’ll be by your side the whole time. If you feel like it’s too much, just hold my hand and we’ll get through it.”
“Okay.”
“Good. I think we should go now, we don’t want to arrive late on the first day,” Waverly smiled.
They drove silently all the way to PeaceMaker and Nicole couldn’t stop her mind. It was running fast without stopping at a single thought. She only felt like she was back into her body when Waverly parked in front of the center.
“Deep breaths. Don’t forget it.”
“I’m… I’m embarrassed,” Nicole bit her lower lip.
“No, sweetie,” Waverly tried.
“I know everyone here knows what I do and what I use. It’s just… being here makes it real. And I get it, it’s already real, but… forget it, it’s stupid,” Nicole sighed. “I don’t even know what I’m saying.”
“It’s not stupid, Nicole. You are nervous. That’s ok. Do you still want to go?” Waverly asked and the redhead saw in her eyes how much hope she had.
“Yes,” Nicole swallowed the lump in her throat.
“You are not alone,” Waverly got out of her car walked to the other side of it, opening the door to Nicole, and offered her hand so the redhead could take it. “We are in this together, and we will win,” Waverly strongly stated.
“Have I ever told you how extraordinary you are?”
“Flirt with me later, Nicole Haught. Now we have some work to do,” Waverly walked pulling the redhead by her hand.
As soon as they walked through the door, they saw Wynonna waiting for them. Waverly knew her sister was nervous, too, because she was biting her nails. Her face was flooded with relief when she looked at the two women getting into PeaceMaker.
“There you are,” Wynonna said.
“Are we late?” Waverly worried.
“Not at all. We have a few minutes before the meeting starts. How are you today, Nicole?”
“About to throw up on this beautiful wooden floor,” the redhead said.
“It’s my day to sweep the floor today, so if you could save it for tomorrow it would be great,” Wynonna followed. “It’s Chrissy’s turn.”
“You must really love me, Wynonna,” Chrissy showed up behind them with Rosita by her side. “All the time talking about me.”
“Not sure you’ll like this time,” Waverly chuckled.
“Hello, Nicole. It’s so good that you are joining us today,” the blonde said.
“Thanks,” Nicole could barely look into the woman’s eyes.
“Nicole, could you come with me for a second?” Rosita asked.
“Sure,” the redhead nodded, following her. Waverly decided that she would go, too, but Rosita stopped her.
“I’d like to talk to Nicole alone. It won’t take long.”
“Oh. Well, are you good?” Waverly looked at Nicole.
“Yeah, I think I am.”
“Alright. I’ll wait for you here.”
“See you in a bit,” Nicole tried to smile, but she only managed to make a weird face.
“Relax, baby girl. We don’t torture people here.”
“I promised I would be with her all the time,” Waverly complained.
“Rosita just wants to get to know Nicole a little more,” Chrissy said.
“Well, I’ll do that thing,” Wynonna gave a knowing nod to her friend and walked away, leaving her sister with no clue about what was happening.
“Where is she going?”
“She’s giving us some space to talk,” Chrissy said with what Waverly could only assume was her therapist's face.
“About what?” The brunette asked.
“It’s the first time you come to a meeting. You should get to know what the steps we are going to follow are.”
“But I am just here to support Nicole,” Waverly didn’t understand what her friend was doing.
“I know, but partners are an important component of the recovery journey,” Chrissy smiled.
“Nicole and I are just friends,” Waverly whined.
“I see the way she looks at you, Waves. You are important to her. Don’t doubt that,” Chrissy said.
“I just want her to be okay,” Waverly sighed.
“It’s a long, tough, and tiring path. She’ll be in a bad mood quite often. You have to prepare yourself for that.”
“I get it.”
“Her body will ask for the drugs, even if she decided she doesn’t want it anymore. It’s not unusual for addicts to slip and use something after some days.”
“I trust her. She will fight it.”
“I’m not talking about trust. I’m talking about understanding. Withdrawals and relapses are real,” Chrissy clarified. “I don’t want you to just tell her that is okay if it happens, but judging her if it does won’t help either.”
“I would never…”
“I honestly believe that you wouldn’t do it consciously, but this process can be exhausting, Waves. I just want you to know what you are signing for and for you to be sure that you can keep up with it. It’s not a shame if you think it’s too much. Rosie, Wynonna, and I will be close to her here, you don’t need to worry about her being alone.”
“I know you will, Chrissy. I don’t doubt it for a second. But I want to be here. I want to be next to her in this fight.”
“Welcome to the team, then,” Chrissy smiled. “She will need all the support that she can have.”
“I didn’t want her to notice, but I’m a little nervous, too.”
“That’s perfectly normal. If you need someone to talk to, you can always come to me. If you feel like we are too close for you to do that, I can talk to Rosita. She’ll love to help.”
“Do you think they know each other?” Waverly wondered.
“Who?”
“Rosita and Nicole.”
“Oh. Ah… Yes, they do.”
“Were they… together?” Waverly whispered.
“No, no. Nothing like that. But you should ask Nicole.”
“People tell me that all the time,” Waverly huffed. “It’s starting to annoy me.”
“It’s Nicole's story and she should be the one choosing who she tells it to,” Chrissy reasoned. “Even if I think she wouldn’t mind if I told you, she should do it.”
“You are great at your job,” Waverly teased her friend. “You know that, right?”
“I hope so, or else your sister would skin me alive.”
“Still a drama queen, though,” the brunette laughed.
“Shut up,” Chrissy bumped her friend on her shoulder. “Are you good?”
“Yeah. I just don’t understand how I haven’t noticed anything. She told me that she has been doing it quite often. I was so close to her most of the time and I didn’t see anything,” Waverly moaned.
“Addicts are good at hiding. They have a lot of practice in doing that. Don’t worry, now that you know, you’ll notice if there is any difference in her.”
“I hope that it doesn’t happen again,” Waverly said.
A couple of halls distant from the front door, Nicole stood awkwardly, without knowing what Rosita could possibly want to talk to her right before the meeting.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but there are some things that I’d like to talk to you about before we start this journey.”
“Alright.”
“Did you use any drugs or alcohol today?”
“No.”
“When was the last time you did?”
“A few days ago,” Nicole confessed.
“Don’t feel bad for that, Nicole. I just want to keep up with your history,” Rosita gave her a supportive smile. “Have you ever been to a rehab center or an addiction treatment?”
“I tried twice before. Not here at PeaceMaker, but I did. It didn’t work, obviously,” Nicole said.
“Are you familiar with the 12 steps program?” Rosita asked.
“Yeah. Step 2 and 3 always make me give up,” the redhead admitted. “All this God stuff doesn’t fit me very well. I mean no offense, if you believe in all of it, I’m cool with that. I’m just not a religious person.”
“None taken. You’ll see that we are not a conventional center here. I want you to know that we work with a similar program here, but not exactly the 12 steps. PeaceMaker doesn’t force religiosity into people. You can believe in it here if it makes you feel good, but it is not our purpose,” Rosita told her. “All we want here is for you to overcome this disease. Personally, I believe a lot more in science and hard work.”
“Hard work… Not my strongest feature.”
“We’ll get there,” Rosita said. “You must know that we are a little different from other centers. Most people that come for treatment don’t stay here permanently. If you think it would be better for you to sleep here, we can arrange that, but you can also stay at your own home during treatment. We trust you to stick to the plan we’ll trace for you and if you feel like it’s a bad day, call your sponsor.”
“Wynonna said she wanted to be my sponsor,” Nicole said.
“I’m aware. Do you want to stay here?”
“I think I want to stay home,” Nicole decided. “I have to work after all. Is that okay?”
“Of course. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable,” Rosita nodded. “Today is only the first meeting you’ll attend, and I’d like for you to come tomorrow so we can talk more. What do you think?”
“Sounds like a plan. What do I have to do today?”
“Nothing that you don’t want to do, but if you feel comfortable, you can introduce yourself. You don’t have to tell your whole story or anything that you don’t want to. Just say your name and tell people that this is day one for you. That will be enough for us to start,” Rosita clarified. “It’s our first step at PeaceMaker. It doesn’t have to happen today, though. Whenever you do it, we’ll start counting your steps. We’ll go at your pace, okay?”
“I guess so.”
“Remember that there will only be people who understand what you are going through in the room. They have all been there before. No judgment here. It’s a rule.”
“Yeah, I can do it,” Nicole stated. “Look, Rosita. I’m sorry. For how I treated you the first time that we met, at the grocery store. You came to talk to me and I was rude to you. I thought you were going after me because Wynonna had told you to do it.”
“Don’t worry about it, Nicole. Wynonna only told me who you were. I was the one who decided to try to talk to you. I didn’t mean to upset you the way I did.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Nicole acknowledge. “You were kind of cool if I really think about it now.”
“No hard feelings, I promise. But I’m way more than kind of cool, Haught. I’m awesome,” Rosita joked.
“Yeah, alright.”
“Are we good?” Rosita asked. “I want us to have a good understanding. For both of our own sakes.”
“I want that, too,” Nicole said.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Wynonna showed up at the corner of the hall. “Time for the meeting.”
“I’ll see you in there,” Rosita said to the redhead. She headed to the other room, leaving Wynonna and Nicole alone in the hallway.
“Ready, Haught?”
“Still nervous,” the redhead replied.
“I have an idea,” Wynonna opened her eyes wide the way she always did when she felt smart. “Sometimes, when people feel like it’s too much, they say some words, like a mantra.”
“Which words?” Nicole wondered.
“It depends on the person. You could say make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway,” Wynonna suggested.
“Wait…” Nicole suspected. “Isn’t that a Kelly Clarkson song?”
“Yes.”
“Why would you want me to sing that in my head?” Nicole huffed.
“Don’t be too picky,” Wynonna complained. “It was the first thing that I could think about. Remember that Waves used to make us listen to that all the time?
“Yeah. God, we had to listen to that song every single day,” Nicole chuckled.
“There you go then. Sing the lyrics in your head and think about Waverly. That will do the trick.”
“If you say so. Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway,” Nicole repeated the words with her eyes closed. “Let’s do it.”
“That’s the spirit,” Wynonna held the redhead on her shoulder. “Come on. Baby girl is probably thinking that we chained you back here by now.”
As soon as they walked inside the room, Nicole noticed that the people there were sitting in a circle. There weren’t many people, which the redhead thought was odd.
“Thursday is the day we have fewer participants,” Wynonna said, sensing the confusion in the woman next to her.
Nicole guessed that Chrissy would be leading the meeting because there was some space between her seat and the chairs on both of her sides. She felt fingers intertwining with hers and she looked to her left just to find Waverly there, giving her a smile that was a lot brighter than she felt she deserved.
The brunette guided them to three empty chairs and when they sat, Nicole had the Earp sisters by both of her sides.
“Good evening, everyone. Welcome to our Thursday night meeting. For anyone who doesn’t know me, my name is Chrissy Nedley and I’ll be leading the meeting today. This is an open meeting, which means we are receiving family and friends to share our experiences with them. Although we have guests, nothing that will be discussed here tonight can be talked about outside PeaceMaker with other people. Every subject addressed in this meeting stay here. If any of you would like to talk more about anything else, you can reach Wynonna, Rosita, or me by the end of the meeting. Does anyone have any questions?” Chrissy looked around, and as no one showed any intention of asking anything, she continued. “Before we talk about our experiences, I’d like to ask someone to take a step ahead because today is a very important day for him. Fish, it’s your 365 days clean mark today. Could you say a few words for us?”
He nodded at her and stood up before he started talking.
“Hello everyone. My name is Ambrose, but everyone calls me Fish.”
“Hello, Fish.”
“And as Miss Nedley was saying, today I am 365 days clean. It’s been a long road for me and I never thought I would be able to stand here the way I do now. I am one of the lucky ones because I have my lovely husband here with me. He has been supporting me during my worst days and I’m glad that now I can share the happiest ones with him. Thank you, Levi. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Thinking about my addiction, even though I haven’t used any kind of drug for a year, I don’t consider myself cured because I don’t believe there is such a thing as a cure for this illness. This is my personal belief, but I think that us, addicts, must be working hard on getting better every day. I like to think about myself as if I was a diabetic, always paying attention to my behavior and being careful with my actions. I feel like myself again after so many years. For some time in my life, I was lost, but now that I am here, I don’t ever want to go back to that version of me. I don’t hate myself for what I did, I respect it, but it’s no longer who I am. That’s why even if I am clean for one entire year, I still think about one day at a time. Always vigilant, but also seeing the beauty that life can be. If I work hard enough, maybe we can spend my 2 year-clean anniversary at some beach in Hawaii, what do you think love?” He laughed while sitting back in his chair.
“Thank you, Fish. You are doing a great job, you should be proud of yourself. And if you go to Hawaii, please eat some poke thinking about me,” Chrissy joked. “Does anyone else would like to say something?”
A woman named Ines who was clean for 90 days and going to step four stood up and started talking. After her, other people talked too, and Nicole could only think that they were so brave. All of them, fighting so hard to be better for themselves. To reach a point where they could enjoy the simple things in life one more time. They were doing all they could to be close to their loved ones while they were still here so they wouldn’t be left with regret. Nicole realized that she wanted that too. She would love to go traveling with Waverly or even just watching the sunset with her. She loved hockey and she hated how it was taken away from her, but she didn’t want to water that seed anymore. All that the redhead wanted was to be able to find happiness again, without having to look over her shoulder or to lie to people she loved all the time.
Between the participants and Chrissy talk, almost two hours went by without Nicole noticing it.
“Before we end our meeting today, is there anyone who would like to say something else?” Chrissy asked them.
Make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway, Nicole thought as she held her hand up high.
“Yes?” Chrissy smiled brightly at her. The redhead looked at Waverly by her side and the brunette looked so proud of her that she knew it was the right thing to do.
“Hi. I… I am Nicole…”
“Hi, Nicole.”
“Yeah. Hi,” she stuttered. “I… I just wanted to say that I am an addict, and today is day one for me. Ah…yeah, that’s pretty much it,” she sat back fast and she felt like her face was about to explode.
“Thank you, Nicole. It was very brave of you to do that on your first meeting,” Chrissy encourage her. “It is going to be a pleasure to have you with us during your journey. Thank you for today, everyone. I’d like to remind you that we have meetings every evening from Monday to Friday and in the morning on the weekends. Remember: keep coming back to PeaceMaker. It works if you work and you will make your peace.”
Slowly, people started to stand up and talk to each other about other subjects that were not their addiction. Nicole could sense that they had become friends by attending these meetings.
“I think I’ll go outside for a bit,” Nicole told Waverly and Wynonna.
“Are you okay?” Waverly asked her.
“Yeah, I just need some fresh air.”
“Should I follow her?” Waverly asked her sister as they watched the redhead walk out the door.
“Give her a minute, baby girl. Today was hard for her. She’ll be just fine. Don’t worry.”
Nicole didn’t look around once she stepped outside of PeaceMaker. She sat in the first place she found and sighed deeply. What a day.
“Sup.”
Nicole was surprised to see a teenage girl sitting at the bench she had chosen.
“Hey, sorry. I didn’t realize there was someone here,” Nicole said. “I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“It’s fine. I’m just waiting for my mom,” the girl said.
“Was she…” Nicole signed to the front door of PeaceMaker.
“Oh, no. She’s at work. But not here. I’m Rachel, by the way.”
“I’m Nicole.”
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry. It’s been a long day,” Nicole tried to smile.
“Were you at the meeting?” Rachel asked.
“I was.”
“My mom is a doctor and she said this place is good,” the girl said.
“It is,” Nicole agreed. “It’s my first day, but I can already see they do a good job. But why are you here alone?”
“My mom is working late today and I was bored all day alone at home,” she explained.
“Ditched your friends today?”
“I don’t have many friends,” Rachel looked ahead while she talked. “Kind of a lone wolf.”
“Lone wolf. Yeah, I knew one once,” Nicole chuckled.
“What happened to her?”
“We became best friends. We had a lot in common.”
“It must be nice,” the girl nodded.
“It is. At some point, you will find people who have something in common with you, too. People who like the same things that you do. They will be like your found family,” Nicole smiled at the thought. “I know it. I had mine, too.”
“I doubt there are many girls who like hockey here in Purgatory,” Rachel chuckled.
“Well, I did when I was your age. You never know what the future has in stock for you.”
“Well, most kids at school already think I’m weird. I’m not too eager to give them more reasons. You know the drill.”
“You will find your people, Rachel. Don’t worry too much about that,” Nicole said. “And if you ask me, I think you look cool. Don’t change who you are to try to fit somewhere. The world needs all kinds of different people.”
“Thank you,” the teenager replied.
They stayed there, quietly, for a few minutes before a car turned around the corner, coming in their direction.
“It’s my mom,” Rachel said as soon as the car stopped in front of them. She stood up and walked toward it, but she turned around before she went inside. “Hey, Nicole… I think you are very brave for coming here today.”
With that, she greeted her mom and they drove away. Not a second went by and Nicole felt a soft hand touching her back.
“Who was that?” Waverly asked.
“I just met her,” Nicole replied. “She was waiting for her mom and we kept each other company.”
“Well, are you ready to go? Do you want me to take you home?”
“I’d like that.”
“Let’s go then.”
“There is one more thing, and if it’s too much to ask, please say no but… How would you feel about staying with me tonight? I don’t mean staying staying with me,” Nicole rambled. “It’s just that my mind is going so fast that I feel like I’ll go crazy if I stay alone with my brain tonight.”
“I’d love to stay with you,” Waverly threw her arms around the redhead in a hug.
“Thank you, Waves. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’ll never have to wonder about that anymore. I’ll always be here for you.”
As they drove to her place, Nicole promised herself that this time she would work harder than ever. She would do anything she could to make Waverly proud of her again and to be worthy of being next to her.
Point of no return and now
It's just too late to turn around
I try to forgive you
But I struggle 'cause I don't know how
We built it up so high and now I'm falling
It's a long way down
It's a long way down, from here