Story of my life
Chapter 7 – Story of my life
Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain
I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days
And I'll be gone, gone tonight
The ground beneath my feet is open wide
The way that I been holdin' on too tight
With nothing in between
The story of my life, I take her home
I drive all night to keep her warm and time is frozen
The story of my life, I give her hope
I spend her love until she's broke inside
The story of my life
Waverly was almost leaving her office when her phone started ringing.
“Hello, Wynonna.”
“Hi, baby girl. Have you had lunch already?”
“Not yet, why?”
“Chrissy is cooking for us today here at PeaceMaker and she wanted me to invite you.”
“I’m sorry, Nonna, I can’t. I have something to do,” Waverly tried not to show her nervousness over the phone.
“But you have to stop to eat at some point.”
“I know, but I’m going to have lunch with… someone.”
“Does that someone has red hair?”
“I understand that something happened between you two, but I have to do this,” Waverly closed her eyes. “I have to tell her, Wynonna. I need to know if I can do something about these feelings or if should try to move on with my life.”
“I know, baby girl. Don’t forget that I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Nonna. I have to go now, bye.”
Waverly put her phone inside her back pocket and left her office, going after Nicole. After talking to Willa the day before, Waverly couldn’t stop thinking about admitting her feelings to Nicole. She knew that the redhead could reject her, but she was sure that was the right thing to do. She couldn’t live like that anymore, keeping it a secret. There was nothing wrong with what she felt for Nicole, she could even call it beautiful if she was honest. With one last deep breath, she walked inside the maintenance room.
“Knock, knock,” Waverly tried to break the tension, but she regretted it immediately.
“Waves, what are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you,” she got closer to the redhead and noticed that something was off with her. “Are you alright, Nicole? You look tired.”
“I’m fine, don’t worry,” Nicole dismissed her. “What is it that you want to talk about? Do you need something in your office?”
“No, no. This is more like a personal matter,” Waverly felt her hands start shaking. “Can we go somewhere else to talk? I don’t want to do this here.”
“Of course,” Nicole smiled but Waverly noticed that she was putting an effort to do that. They walked silently on the campus until they reached an isolated tree and sat under it. “What is it, Waves?”
“Well,” Waverly sighed loudly. “Sorry, it’s not easy.”
“Are you in trouble?” Nicole interrupted. “Whatever it is, we can fix it. I’ll do anything you need.”
“Anything? What if I told you that I killed someone?” Waverly teased the redhead a little.
“I’d tell everyone that I did it,” Nicole said seriously, not realizing that Waverly was messing with her.
“Wait… Would you really confess murder for me?”
“I know you Waverly Earp, and if you did something wrong, it was not because you are a bad person.”
“Okay, stop it,” Waverly smiled at her. “I didn’t kill anyone, obviously. I didn’t do anything wrong, silly.”
“That’s a relief. Why didn’t you tell me that sooner?”
“You started talking about it, don’t blame me.”
“Well, I guess that you didn’t want to come here to only make fun of me,” Nicole said. “What is going on, Waverly?”
“It’s nothing bad. At least I don’t think it is. But it’s okay if you think it is, I don’t want you to feel weird about it, okay? Nothing needs to change between us, I mean,” the brunette couldn’t stop rambling.
“Hey,” Nicole held her hand. “Slow down. It’s just me here. You can trust me with…”
“I have feelings for you,” Waverly interrupted her. “I… I always had feelings for you, ever since we were in high school.”
“You mean…”
“I mean romantic feelings, Nicole,” Waverly sighed. “I fell in love with you all those years ago, but I kept all those feelings buried inside me because… well, because I never thought you would like me back. Or even look at me like that. And I know what you are thinking, that high school was so long ago, but my feelings never faded. You were always on the back of my mind.”
“Waves, I’m not the same person you met when you were thirteen.”
“I know, Nicole. I wished people stopped saying that to me. None of us are the same,” Waverly ventured a look at the redhead and she had a sad face in a way that she didn’t remember seeing at her friend’s face. “We all change with time. We are not even the exact same people we were yesterday.”
“What I mean is that I’m all fucked up. In every way. You have no idea. I will destroy you.”
“Don’t be so hard on you, Nicole. Please. I can still see your soul. Think about what you just told me. You were willing to go to jail for me.”
“Because you deserve the entire world.”
“Look, I don’t want to put you in a weird spot,” Waverly said. “I just felt like I needed to say this to you. And I don’t want anything to change between us because of that.”
“Waves, I think you are the best person in this entire world. I don’t deserve you.”
“Would you stop saying that?”
“It’s the truth, Waverly,” Nicole felt like she could throw up right there. “You feel all those things for me because you don’t know who I am right now. And I can’t even imagine the look of disappointment on your face when you figure it out.”
“Did you do something wrong?” Waverly asked and just by the look on Nicole's face, she knew that there was something that the redhead wasn’t telling her. “What did you do?”
“Haught!” A man running screamed at them.
Nicole looked behind her and grumbled. “Stupid Carl.”
“Hey, Haught. I need your help. Like, really, really need you,” he sounded breathless.
“I can’t right now, Carl. I’m busy.”
“It’s important, Haught.”
“I don’t care,” Nicole hissed. “This is important, too. A lot more important than you.”
“Please, Haught. The restroom on the second floor of the business building is flooded. I think the pipes exploded. It’s a dirty mess there. Literally.”
“Go, Nicole,” Waverly said.
“No, Waves. I won’t leave you here in the middle of our conversation.”
“We can finish this talk later,” Waverly gave her an understanding smile. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Nicole bit the inside of her mouth.
“I know. Just don’t disappear on me. Please?”
“I won’t,” Nicole stood up and walked toward Carl. “Come on, show me the mess.”
Waverly stayed there for a couple more minutes before going back to her office. She decided to push away her feelings for a few more hours and she wouldn’t allow herself to feel heartbroken until she ended that conversation with Nicole.
After spending almost 20 minutes under the water, Nicole stepped out of the shower. She smelled her wrists and a wave of relief invaded her when she noticed that she wasn’t smelling like shit anymore. When Carl and she finished fixing the plumbing, Nicole decided to go home to clean herself properly. She knew that she needed to talk to Waverly and explain herself, but she couldn’t have done that cover in dirty. She had just put her t-shirt on when she heard a knock on the front door.
“Waves,” Nicole was surprised when she opened the door.
“Hey. I looked for you at GRU this afternoon, but you were not there. I figured you had come home. Can I come in?”
“Of course, yeah,” Nicole moved so Waverly could walk inside. She looked around her living room and notice that she had left some clothes hanging around. She started to pick them up to take them to her bedroom. “I’m sorry that this place is a mess.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Waverly said. “You kind of disappeared on me.”
“I didn’t mean to, I swear. But Carl was right. It was a big dirty mess in the restroom and I didn’t want to talk to you when I was like that. It took us all afternoon to fix it.”
“It’s been so long since I came here the last time,” Waverly looked around. “It looks different.”
“Yeah, I’m not taking care of this house as well as Uncle Mike did,” Nicole confessed and started pacing.
“Nicole…”
“That’s one of the problems, Waverly. I know you don’t see it yet, but you will. I am shit and I destroy everything around me. I’ve been doing this for years. Even being associated with me as friends is bad for you, imagine if we… No, I can’t do that to you. I can’t break you like that. You’ve been working so hard to make your dream come true and I can’t be the one to make it crumble. You deserve the best things in this world and not some fucked up like me.”
“Hey, slow down, Nicole,” Waverly stretched out her arm to reach the redhead. “Come sit with me.”
“I can’t… I can’t breathe,” Nicole sat next to the brunette and she felt like she was going to have a heart attack.
“Come here, give me your hand,” Waverly grabbed her friend’s hand and placed it on her own chest, right under her shoulders’ line. “Fell the way my chest goes up and down. Try to match my breathing. Yes, keep going like that. You are doing great. Keep looking at me. I’m here with you.”
They stayed like that for a few minutes until Nicole felt like she was able to talk again.
“Thank you, Waves.”
“You taught me that, remember? The first time I went cheering on a game.”
“I’d forgotten that. My brain is slow most of the time. Waves, I…”
“I understand if you don’t feel the same, Nicole. I really do. I only felt like I needed you to know how I feel,” Waverly tried to smile, “because I’m not ashamed of being in love with you.”
“It’s not that I don’t have feelings for you,” Nicole joined their foreheads and closed her eyes. “But I don’t deserve being loved by you.”
“Why do you keep saying that? Because your plan of being a hockey player didn’t work out? Nicole, it was not your fault. I know it hurts, but unfortunately, those things happen. Life can be hard, but just because it is, it doesn’t mean that you should close yourself for things that can be good.”
“That’s not it. Well, not only that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I can’t say it,” Nicole sniffed. She hadn’t realized that she was crying. “Because I will let you down and you will see me differently. You are going to hate me. I can take everyone hating, but not you. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“You have been a part of my life for so long,” Waverly kissed the side of Nicole's head. “I promise that I will never hate you.”
“But you will be disappointed and you won’t want to be around me anymore,” Nicole said.
“I don’t see anything that can make it happen, sweetie.”
“Fuck, why is this so hard?” Nicole asked herself in a whisper.
“No, Nicole. I’m sorry, please,” Waverly placed her fingers inside of the red hair in front of her and kissed Nicole on the forehead. “You don’t have to tell me. I’m sorry for pushing you. If you feel more comfortable I’ll go home.”
“I want to tell you. I should have told you sooner, but I’m not brave enough.”
“You are, and I’ll be here when you finish telling me your story. And the day after. And the day after that.”
Nicole looked at Waverly and could see that she was being completely honest. She had put herself out there, being brave enough to confess her feelings. Maybe Nicole could use a little bit of that courage and tell the hard truth about her mistakes.
“Waves, I... For some time now I have been… drinking and doing other stuff.”
“Other stuff? I’m not sure I’m following. You mean…”
“I mean that I’m a fucking junkie, that’s what I mean,” Nicole interrupted. “Okay? That’s why you shouldn’t be seen with me. You don’t want to be associated with someone like me.”
The redhead stood up and walked two steps away, turning her back to Waverly.
“Nicole, don’t say that.”
“I am a fucked up, Waves. A complete failure. Don’t you see me?”
“I see you,” Waverly got closer to her and pull her by her t-shirt so Nicole would look at her. “I see you.”
“I’m so sorry,” Nicole tried to dry the tears from her eyes. “I shouldn’t have screamed. You don’t deserve it.”
“It’s okay. But you are wrong. You are not a failure,” Waverly's tone was the most serious she has been the entire day.
“You don’t know the things that I have done,” Nicole looked away. “There is no turn back for me now. I’m not strong enough to do it.”
“Can you tell me a little more about it? Since when is this happening?”
“Before I had my second surgery, my doctor told me that I wouldn’t be able to play again. I felt so angry because it was taken from me. The man does a huge mistake at the table and he just walks away? Like nothing had happened? Like he didn’t destroy my dream?” Nicole bitterly confessed. “I started drinking some more after that, and I felt better. I felt like things weren’t so heavy. After the last surgery, the doctor gave me some meds for pain, but it was hard to be without them. After that, my stupid brain could never stay clean.”
“So all these years…”
“All these years I have been getting drunk and high as often as I could.”
“I had no idea you were going through that, Nicole,” Waverly felt guilty for not being there enough.
“How could you, Waves? I didn’t tell you.”
“How often do you drink or… do drugs? I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound harsh, I just want to understand.”
“Often,” Nicole confessed.
“Ever since I came back, did you do it every day or…”
“Not every day, but almost,” the redhead looked devastated. “Do you understand now why you can’t be this close to me?”
“You don’t have to be embarrassed about this, sweetie. I know it’s hard, but you can get better.”
“I can’t.”
“Look, I have to ask it. Does Wynonna know that you are going through this?”
“Yes,” Nicole whispered.
“And she didn’t try to help you?” Waverly couldn’t believe her sister could do such a thing.
“She did, but there is no point, Waverly. I can’t do it. I tried before, but I’m not strong enough. I’ll just fail again. Why fight if I can’t win?”
“But you can,” Waverly tried to sound hopeful. “I know it’s hard to hear it, but you are not a failure. You are ill. And you can get better. I can’t believe Wynonna didn’t do anything about it. Is that why you two fought?”
“Yeah,” Nicole nodded. “There wasn’t a physical fight, but we disagreed on things.”
“On what?”
“Ever since I came back to Purgatory she’s been trying to talk to me to go to rehab or something, but I know it won’t work. Some years ago, I went to the homestead asking her for money, but she didn’t give it to me and she didn’t let me in.”
“She closed the door on you? What the fuck?”
“Not like that,” Nicole sighed. “She had said that I could never go to the homestead drunk or high because of Alice. I owed a lot of money to my dealer and I went there to ask her,” the redhead laughed humorlessly. “I didn’t want to go in. I just wanted the money to pay him so he would sell me more. I said a bunch of bullshit to her and I told her that I didn’t want to see her again.”
“But she let you go away,” Waverly was taking a hard time to cope with the situation.
“I always thought that but I’m not so sure anymore,” Nicole confessed. “I talked to her yesterday and I think she might have kept an eye on me. I don’t know, things are still foggy on my brain.”
“Fuck,” Waverly sighed sadly.
“What was she supposed to do, Waves? She has a kid. I could have hurt Alice. Can you imagine that?” Nicole looked at the brunette for what she felt could be the last time. “You should go, too. I will only hurt you.”
“I am not going anywhere,” Waverly frowned. “I’ll fight this with you.”
“I’m not sure I can do it, Waves.”
“Let’s just think about one step at a time, alright? You are not alone and you don’t have to go through this by yourself.”
“What if I fail?”
“Then we will start again,” Waverly said. “Let’s start thinking just about tonight. We are going to worry about just one day. Can you do that? Can you fight just today?”
“I think so,” Nicole knew her heart wanted that, but her brain was still wrestling against it.
“Can I go on this journey with you?”
Nicole felt a lump on her throat and she knew her voice would fail her, so she just nodded.
“Do you have any drugs or alcohol in the house?”
“Yes,” Nicole cleared her throat. “Yes. Alcohol, in the kitchen. I don’t keep the drugs here. I just… buy and use it.”
“Can I get rid of it?” Waverly used the kindest tone she could find.
Nicole only nodded again. The brunette went to the kitchen and when she came back minutes later, she placed her arms around the redhead in a hug.
“We will win this. I know it. I can feel it in my heart.”
“Your heart is too good, Waves. Much more than I deserve. I know I'm disappointing you. I'm sorry.”
“You don't have to apologize. You are not disappointing me. And I will say it as many times as necessary for you to understand that you are worthy. Just don’t shut me out, please.”
“I’ll do my best. I swear,” Nicole said. “And I am sorry about earlier. You were trying to tell me that…”
“Let’s not think about it now, okay?” Waverly said with a small smile on her lips. “We will go back to that talk at some point, but not today. We have more important things going on right now. You know what? I think we should make some popcorns and watch a movie.”
“You don’t have to babysit me, Waves,” Nicole giggled lightly.
“That’s not what I am doing. I just want to spend some time with you. I always did. Even when we were younger and you and Wynonna thought I was boring.”
“That thought never crossed my mind. I think you are extraordinary, Waverly Earp. Always have and always will.”
“Alright. So go to the kitchen and make us some popcorn,” Waverly stayed at the tip of her toes and kissed Nicole on the cheek. “Let’s see if you still think that once I choose the movie.”
Nicole could help but be amazed by that woman. Before she got inside the kitchen, she looked back to see Waverly getting comfortable on the couch, grabbing the remote control to turn on the TV. She was an angel, and Nicole had no doubt about that. The redhead knew that no matter what it takes, she couldn’t let that woman down. If Waverly could believe in her that much, maybe Nicole could do that, too. She needed to fight for herself.
Written on these walls are
The colors that I can't change
Leave my heart open
But it stays right here in its cage
I know that in the morning now
I see us in the light upon a hill
Although I am broken, my heart is untamed, still
And I've been waiting for this time to come around
But, baby, running after you is like chasing the clouds