A Sunbeam In The Dark
Hana didn’t know for how long she’d been crying. She didn’t even know how she had any tears left… the throbbing of her head and tightness of her face muscles told her it had been a while. She couldn’t be sure how long, though. Time didn’t matter to her anymore. It could’ve been hours or mere minutes… it certainly felt like it had been one second ago, when Chaewon said those words.
“I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to train here anymore”.
The woman’s voice, detached yet slightly apologetic, haunted Hana’s entire mind, replaying over and over again. It was the background music to a supercut of Hana’s now impossible future: stage lights and booming voices, pristine practice rooms and days upon days of dancing, a lifetime doing the thing she loved most, perhaps the only thing she could do well. It had seemed so close, for so long… it had seemed possible. But now, it suddenly wasn’t.
Now, she was back to being the desolate orphan girl with no way out. No formal education that could get her a stable job. No talent to get her anywhere. Sure, she had whatever financial aid the government was able to provide… but that was never much. She had no way of becoming someone.
She could keep on dancing, maybe… but now Hana wondered if she had ever been good at all. Because, if she was good enough, then she wouldn’t have been kicked out, right? Maybe they took her in out of pity, after all. Maybe she never improved, and they’d all lied to her. She must have not been talented enough… Hana knew one thing, and that was that if you worked hard enough, you could get anywhere you wanted. And she’d worked hard. She knew that, there was no doubt about it. The number of nights she’d stayed overtime at the studio to perfect a routine, or not sleeping and studying a song to get it right… She had worked hard.
Then, why did she fail anyway?
“Please do not think this is because we do not appreciate your talents, because we very much do… but I’m sure you’re aware of the major losses the company has been facing. We’ve been forced to cut off a bunch of staff, trainees, artists, management, and production alike. Unfortunately, we’re unable to keep those trainees whom we don’t have any plans for. That is all. I hope you understand.”
Hana did understand. She could somewhat see why the company wouldn’t have any plans for her. While she was a good dancer, versatile and quick-learning, she wasn't the most well-rounded. There was definitely a dancer as good as her who could sing as well. If only she’d prioritized vocal training more, that could be her. Damn it. She should have practiced harder.
A sob makes its way out of her mouth at the thought. Her eyes stray, looking around the subway station she found herself in. So this is what it’s all come to.
She barely even remembers how she got here. Once Chaewon had delivered the tragic news, she’d said something along the lines of “alright, I understand,” and stormed off, grabbing her large backpack, and keeping her composure until she’d left the building. Her mind was numb as she mechanically walked to the nearest metro station. It was numb when she bought a ride and got on the first train, she didn't even know where it would take her. The world existed in a subdued state, every single sound deafened by the white noise of shock in her mind. Until she wasn’t able to hold it in, feeling the tears coming like an avalanche. She’d left the train, ran to a corner where no one would notice her, and cried until every single feeling had spilled out.
She looks at the entrance of the station. Golden light came from it. It was going to be dark soon. Damn, so it had been a while. She should get going. She can’t stay here forever, she should go somewhere. Anywhere.
So, Hana gets moving. She exits the station, into a busy street from what she recognizes as a very nice part of town. Elegant shops and great office buildings line up around her. She doesn’t look around much. Instead, she walks forward, letting herself be carried by the crowd. Left then right and into another street, she sees a bakery and wonders when she’d eaten last. She can’t remember, she isn’t hungry anyway. She eyes the couples and friend groups blissfully enjoying each other’s company, wishing she, too, was laughing and loved and relaxed. She doesn’t linger for long, though. She has to keep going.
She does until she thinks: Where am I even going to?
Hana stops in her tracks. She had nowhere to go. No one to go to. No place that would shelter her (well, maybe the orphanage would, but that would be embarrassing and awkward), no person she could ask for help. Maybe she could fend off staying at a motel for a few nights if she was lucky enough to get any job, but… then?
The full reality of the situation finally hit her. She was truly desolate. Her worst fear had come true.
For the second time in a day, Hana breaks down. Her knees hit the ground, chest crouching as her breathing goes ragged from the panic rising. This time, the tears don’t come. Won’t come. To no avail, she tries getting her lungs to work, her body to move, but instead, the invisible restraints tighten, turning her blood to stone. She heaves, crying out with some part of her soul, hoping somebody, somewhere, is listening. Deep down, she knows no one is.
“Are you okay?”
When Hana looks up at where the voice came from, part of her thinks she’s seeing an angel. The woman before her must be the most beautiful person Hana has ever seen, with light reflecting off her long, golden locks, and green eyes holding nothing but kindness. Hana is speechless.
She speaks again. “Can you stand?” Her hand reaches out, and Hana takes it. Her fingers are warm, her grip steady. Safe. “Let’s go to that bench over there to see if you’re alright.”
Her voice… was like honey, warm and welcoming and soft, unlike the bitterness Hana was used to. She was the warm sunbeam to Hana’s dark, empty world. The tears come back all at once, stronger than before. The woman doesn’t bother much, only muttering a pitying “oh, my…” and handing Hana a handkerchief to dry her tears. She thanks her through sobs.
“I-- I’m sorry,” Hana chokes out, once they’re seated, “you probably didn’t expect me to start crying like this.”
The woman only smiles. “I’m fine,” she reassures.
Hana breathes out. Her comfort is exactly what she needed. It brings out every frustration, every worry that she’s kept hidden for the past few hours and beyond. Her presence is a sanctuary. It says ‘you’re allowed to feel, you’re allowed to cry. Do not worry. Everything will be alright.’
So, she voices it all out. “I thought things would change if I worked hard enough… I was probably frustrated because I couldn’t solve things with pure effort. I don’t understand why this life is so difficult.”
The woman only nods, and slips her fingers through Hana’s, saying I’m here.
“You must have been through such hard times,” she whispers, eyes downcast. Then, with a kind smile and an even kinder look, “I believe talking about it is also a difficult thing to do. You’ve worked so hard.”
Hana is taken aback by her excessive kindness, and a choked-up sob escapes her. Why is this person so friendly? Hana blinks a few times, partly to get the tears away, partly to confirm she is real.
“I’m not really the type to talk about these things…”
“I know!”
Hana giggles. “For real…”
The woman smiles. Then, taking her hand back, she says, “ I’m sorry I can’t stay with you for longer, I have to go now.” She sounded truly apologetic.
Shame climbs up Hana’s body, and she straightens. “Oh, I probably kept you for too long. I’m so sorry.” Her cheeks are burning.
Standing up to go, the blond turns back to Hana. “If you’re sorry, will you do me a favor?”
Hana looks up at her, and she grins. “Next time, please listen to my story. I think you and I can be good friends.”
A soft breath leaves Hana, her blush growing. She would love to be friends with someone as kind, as beautiful as her. “If… if you’re okay with me… of course.”
She watches the woman fade away, yet her warmth lingers. Hana blinks a couple of times, realizing the feeling of gloom from before is almost gone entirely. Now, she feels like she can carry on. She will be okay. She’s got a friend now. Though she didn’t get the girl’s name, nor did she get hers. She’d looked somewhat familiar, but it's not uncommon for girls as pretty as her to be all over commercials and magazines. Maybe fate would dictate them to meet again, but for now, Hana was okay.
She stands up to go. As she starts walking, though, something stops her: the woman had forgotten her phone. At least, Hana thinks it’s her phone… Picking it up, she looks around for traces of her but doesn’t find any. So, she walks forward, where she saw her go. No trace of her still. After a few minutes, Hana stops walking. She looks down at the phone, thinking how despaired the woman might feel, believing her phone had been lost or stolen… Hana decides she was giving it back. As a thank-you. She needed to.