meeting you was blue
1-13-20 (3 years later)
It’s tough, being unable to create new memories. It was a curse; a burden she’ll carry with her in her lifetime, forever tormenting her and the people she loves.
After the incident with her family, a terrible trauma came to her that she developed this condition of Amnesia where previous events prior to the incident are the only things that she can remember permanently and the rest that will follow will be inevitably forgotten.
People with Anterograde Amnesia varies in the duration they’ll retain an information before it disappears from the grasps of their minds. It is still a mystery today as of what part specifically does the damage have to be in to develop a condition like this but doctors are certain that the sites involved are the temporal cortex, especially in the hippocampus and near the subcortical regions of the brain.
Clutching the notebook in her hand, Siyeon strolls her way on the park, moving in a gentle manner with the heels of her shoe hitting the pavement, producing a sound that’s oddly satisfying, her pace being so slow as if to enjoy the warmth given by the ray of sun as it stood up high and all mighty above, towering over her.
It is a sunny afternoon, indeed.
She remembers her old self, the kid she used to be; the bright and innocent side of herself. She used to bask in this kind of sunlight, like a flower waiting to be seen by the rising sun in the sky. She remembers taking a stroll every morning and every night on this park before the incident. Comparing it to what she’s seeing today, everything is different.
Looking up, the bright and blinding sun greeted her with such cheerfulness that by reflex, her right hand immediately posits on the top of her head, covering her eyes and some parts of her face. With her hand, she moved her fingers apart from each other, taking a peek of the intense and yet playful light from the sun which might have been mocking her before ending the gesture with a rather faint smile, one that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
How many times has she done this before ever since the incident? It’s amazing how she can never get tired of doing the same thing over and over again and for this to be an alarming condition is almost funny and depressing. She never gets tired because she doesn’t remember.
Maybe, she thinks, it’s better this way. To experience life in a never-ending cycle without knowing you’ve been running in circles the whole time. Never to be bored, never feeling or regretting a dull moment from yesterday, every day is an adventure.
Another one. I should write this. And so, she does.
Her notes told her she can only remember new experiences in that same day and tomorrow, it will be erased from her memory, as if it never happened at all. It’s a good thing she has Minji by her side.
Minji.
She’s known Minji for a very long time, she was her best friend. And now, she’s also her daily companion to get through the day. To help her remember.
In her every waking moment ever since the incident, Minji’s always there, telling her in detail the dilemma she’s currently in. She basically lives with her now. And of course, she’s always shocked and disoriented because everything feels exactly the same as it was just yesterday but of course the changes that she sees around her forces her to realise how things really has changed and some times its too much to process.
It’s one thing to know but to feel and remember is another thing.
Walking through the memory lane comes with your sensory perceptions; the certain smell, the imagery and the exact feeling you felt in that particular memory merged into this one big chunk of a reason that makes you realise how that memory came to be very significant for you and losing that ability, she concludes she’s nothing but someone forever living in the past and there comes emptiness filling her whole.
She doesn’t use a cellphone anymore and keeps a journal instead that would help her relearn everything she’s done since the incident and post-it notes on the walls of her bedroom that can help her keep up with the changes that has happened including her habits and schedules for her medicine but that certain feeling that comes along with all of those memories you’ve written down is just not there. It’s empty. You can relearn everything, know things but you can’t remember how exactly you felt during those days. The feeling that will make grin or make your heart flutter when you’re remembering something. It’s gone.
The thing is, no matter how much she knows about herself and the things she does in a certain day, she’ll eventually just forget all about it the next day and relearn it all over again.
It’s frustrating, but the frustration lasts only for a day and tomorrow, it’s going to be a different type of frustration. She knows because who wouldn’t? But somehow, it’s quite alright. She assures herself. It is okay.
Apparently, her mind worked faster than her being conscious of her actions and she writes the words as well on the small portion of the paper, not aligned with the lines and is almost hidden from the sight. It will be okay.
And then it happened. Droplets of tears marked the paper she was writing on, drip by drip they went until the paper is fully drenched with the salty water seeping from her eyes. It was a silent suffering, murmurs of regrets and hushed sorrows clashing and yet remained hidden deep in her heart.
It was a tragedy she didn’t want and yet it was latched onto her like a lock with its key thrown in the vast ocean. A catastrophe that has chained her for eternity.
She misses the time when she was just a normal girl in her 20’s; learning lots of new things, creating new memories with all of your friends and relatives and of course, falling in love.
How can you learn to love someone when you immediately forget that person the very next day?
Being in love takes time. It’s the habitual meetings that should make familiarity happen, the continuous shy smiles and exchanging glances that will set your heart in motion, free-falling for that certain someone.
One major aspect of love is based on familiarity. If every day is a new day for her, literally, then how can she develop a sort of intimacy to someone? If that one part of her brain who’s supposedly responsible for giving her a sense of familiarity towards someone is not working, then how can love be?
Her whole body was shaking, clearly her actions were opposing the desires and wants of her mind which is to let everything pass and flow.
She has stopped writing for a while now, and is just sitting quietly on the bench with her eyes staring into the abyss. She felt empty and cold, despite of the sun being at its highest point of the day. If it was earlier stroking her with ease, it should now feel like a hot iron being pressed against her skin but the coldness did not go away. The warmth cannot penetrate through her skin and her heart was even colder, hidden underneath her thin clothes as she silently waits for the hollowness to pass.
Maybe her thoughts for this day is also the content of her mind tomorrow. She doesn’t really know. The things she’s written on her journal she admits, are half-truths. She knows she’s writing stuff to encourage her tomorrow self to go on. To stop loathing life and move forward. That everything’s going to be okay.
But if she’s still lying to herself at this point, what even is the point of living?
And there it goes, the trembling, the uncontrollable quaking combined with pain she’s beginning to sense from her head. She then saw herself uttering inaudible words as the pain in her head felt like a sharp-toothed creature eating her from the inside.
She can’t move her arms and yet her whole body is shaking. An epileptic shock. The constant seizure she hopes that would take her life after the whole thing is done. She can feel her sensory nerves working in a higher sensitive state, the tingling and the dizziness in her head. The only thing visible to her are the constant flashing lights slapping her in the face.
It was all blinding and everything seemed like a blur.
Ten seconds passed, and then twenty and thirty and without warning, she felt herself succumbing to the pain, falling side-wards, the irrepressible constant jerking of her legs and arms still occurring. It’s an overpowering frenzy, something that’s not in her control.
And it’s not yet over. Pain sheeted through her with a terrible intensity as she felt her head meet with the metal bar of the bench, which eventually knocked her out in the cold.
--
--
1-14-20 (The next day)
Siyeon woke up with a glaring light on her face, temporarily blinding her sight. As her eyes got used to the burning bright light, all she sees is the colour white.
She thinks for a while that maybe, she’s dead, that this is heaven but disregarded the fact anyway. It was too impossible to even happen. She realised she’s woken up in a hospital. Her train of thought was interrupted by something and a painful feeling surged throughout her whole body. A sudden thought then went in her head. She has to check whether her mom and dad are okay.
They have to be.
She tried her best to get up but the pain on the side of her head seems to be preventing her from doing so. She felt the pain throb and she thinks her whole skull is being bludgeoned ‘til its in pieces and the thing on her hand is restraining her from moving it too far.
As she failed on her plan on getting up, she placed her attention to her memory, trying her hardest to remember what has happened and how she ended up in a place like this. She remembers visiting her parents, them having a pretty great dinner. She can see herself and her parents having so much fun, their smiles and laughter echoing in her head as she drove through the memory lane and suddenly there’s this sound of a glass breaking and constant shouts and shrieks of ‘help’ that dragged her out of the memory, her eyes now wide open and her heart beating very fast.
And then she was just crying. She can’t remember no more. That was all of it.
It still wasn’t clear whether she was crying or wailing but the sound of it alarmed the nurses and there they barged into her room like ants, all in a hurry.
Despite of the room being occupied by several people, she still feels all alone, with feelings strapping her down in a tight spot. She’s disoriented, out of touch from reality but also experiencing a troubling feeling in her heart, that something isn’t quite right.
“Where’s mom and dad? Were they admitted here? Are they all right?” Siyeon asked, while she’s still lying on her stomach as she can’t bring herself to get up.
She doesn’t know if everything is fucking with her but she thinks she just heard her long-time best friend speak and as far as she can remember, Minji went abroad to pursue her dreams and its been months since their last contact with each other.
“Singnie?” She thought the other girl muttered an ‘I got this’ to the nurses in charge but she can’t really hear from where she’s lying down.
“Minji-? I thought you were in London? What are you doing here? And what happened? Have you got a news from mom and dad?”
“Miss Lee, we―“
Before the doctor in charge can continue, Minji immediately stopped him and stepped in. “Singnie, I know this is a lot for you to take but,” She paused for a while, taking Siyeon’s left hand with her right, caressing the other girl’s thumb with hers. “Three years ago, a group of robbers attacked your parents’ house. . .” Minji trailed off, heaving a deep sigh before speaking once again. “I know you remember being with them the time it happened and your parents seems to have fought the robbers and... they got killed in the process. You were found bleeding and unconscious that night and you were the only one that survived.” Seeing the look on her friend’s face, Minji hesitated to speak again.
Apparently, Siyeon wanted to be alone and decided to take a stroll at the nearby park yesterday, the one she’s habitually going to even before the incident partook and Minji let her. Whenever she can, she gives her friend the space she needed because her condition takes more than a positive outlook in life to move on from. It was a lot for the other girl to take, to realise that her now every day life seems to be pointless at all.
But it was careless of her, to leave her alone in a very long time. Fortunately, someone saw her lying on the bench and took her to the nearest hospital as soon as possible. She was just called here, because of the post-it-note on the girl’s journal that says about her contact information if ever something happens to the latter.
“You’ve been diagnosed with a condition called Anterograde Amnesia where your brain can’t retain new information anymore. You can still remember the events prior to the incident but it may also be affected and be jumbled in a way. I’ve been living with you for the past three years and in case you have forgotten which you probably have, we’re living with my girlfriend too, Yoohyeon and she’s not with us at the moment.”
Minji felt her throat drying up. She’s said this a lot. It was always these sentences that came out of her mouth whenever she’s waking Siyeon up early in the morning, to remind her of the events that has happened and how things have changed. She’s memorised all of these already. Sometimes she gets tired but she can’t get tired. If she won’t be here with Siyeon, then who will? And if it’s already hard on her part, what more for Siyeon? The girl’s always waking up as if it was just yesterday of January 15h 2017, the day the robbery happened. Every single day, she’s bombarded with too much information, and as she goes on living her life like the usual or pretending to be still the usual day, the amount of information the girl has to take just increases. It was too much of a stress for her best friend.
And now’s not the time to give up, which she decided she never will. She’s the only person Siyeon’s got left.
Looking at Siyeon, with that same look every day hurts. The shocked expression, the latter’s eyebrows furrowing as she realises how far she’s already left behind. The death of your parents was the huge blow. It will eat you from the inside, cold air will slowly but surely creep upon your skin, the beating of your heart grows faster and then there’s that gasp. The crying and sometimes, the latter will get angry, shouting and all. It breaks her heart to see her best friend like this.
She did not even realised how hard she’s crying right now and Siyeon.
Oh, Siyeon.
Her face is just blank, as if the tears knew all too well for them to fall. That they had dried up from all the tears she’s witnessed the other girl shred every day. Her eyes seemed lifeless as if the life out of her was forcefully sucked out, leaving her body cold and motionless.
Minji knew it all too well. It was only a matter of time before she cries as well and then it happened. She hugged the latter in response, to make her feel she’s not alone. The latter needs someone to lean on, and she promises she will always be there for her, until her dying breath.
--
1-15-20
They say it takes time to heal, but what if time doesn’t exist for me?
How am I supposed to heal when the concept of time is almost nonexistent, unknown, a strange feeling?
I’m perpetually stuck in the same state, always wandering mindlessly towards the past, not being able to retain any new memories in my mind.
I’m trapped in my own mind; my consciousness is my prison.
Everything falls in place, and I fall into my own demise, stuck in the endless nightmare that I won’t be able to move on from.
Say that I’m poetic or anything, the sentences written above were just my thoughts. Writing has always been a way of coping from everything. I guess.
My day? Hmm, let’s see.
I spent my time all day looking from the windows of my room with Minji and her girlfriend, Yoohyeon trying to talk to me about stuff. Trying to make me remember or rather know what I did yesterday and the changes in the furniture and in my medicines.
I’m supposed to be resting in the hospital but I insisted to just be taken care of at home because it’s my parent’s death anniversary afterall. It’s funny how they’re both gone and yet I’m using their money for my medicines. Maybe I should laugh while writing this, I’m close to being a lunatic anyway.
Except there’s really nothing to be cheerful about for me to be laughing and today, with the help of Minji and Yooh, I think I can make it. I can get through this.
You, who’s probably reading this tomorrow, get this fact straight. You can do this. Do this for your parents. Live on, life may be sad for the both of us but as long as we’re alive, we should continue moving forward.
Do this for mom and dad. This is hard for you to take and it always will be but we can do this. To the forthcoming events I will never remember and to my future self that I will never meet, cheers.
Love, Siyeon.
--
3 months later
She wakes up, breathing heavily, with a hand on her back, caressing her with an utmost care but that fact was immediately forgotten as she’s come to realise something.
Her parents.
With that single thought, she sat up straight disregarding the fact that there’s definitely someone else in her room.
Multiple thoughts fought in her mind for attention, everything’s simultaneously coming into her like a hurricane and it hurts.
“Siyeon.” Minji, in an attempt to calm the other girl down placed her hand to where it was earlier before the other girl jolted awake, which earned a loud, almost deafening yelp from the hysterical girl beside her.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. It’s just me.” Minji held the other girl’s hand before adjusting her position from the side of the bed, her whole body now facing the other girl.
“Minji? How―?”
“It’s been three years now, since the robbing incident at your parent’s house. . .You were the only one who survived and the reason why you can’t remember is because―,” Minji paused, testing the waters as she always does before she continues. She can see Siyeon in a state of confusion once again, and its shattering her heart to see her like this every day.
For the past three years, she’s been hoping, that maybe someday Siyeon will wake up and she’ll finally remember. And today is an addition to the previous disappointments she’s had, another heartbreak, another hope shattered.
And with that, she’ll have to continue what she’s saying although it’s too painful for her and of course, for Siyeon.
“You’re diagnosed with Anterograde Amnesia and you can no longer retain new information in your memory. The longest time you can remember is only for one day and once you sleep, you’ll forget what you did the day before and it’s always like that for the past three years.” Minji paused once again, and this time, she coaxed Siyeon for a hug, which the other girl hesitated to reciprocate but she did it anyway. She knew the girl will be crying soon.
“Siyeon, you’re keeping a journal where you write your daily thoughts and events. It’s a great help for you.”
“You did well, Singnie and you’re doing well right now.” Minji tried to reassure her as she rubbed the other girl’s back in a slow manner.
Siyeon’s crying.
It was a silent cry, it’s as if she’s trying to muffle her own sobs and Minji can understand that.
“My parents. . .are dead?” It was almost inaudible but she heard it. It wasn’t even a question, it sounded like one but it’s as if she’s trying to wake herself up from the nightmare she’s in by repeating what has been said to her.
“It’s been three years? Minji, it’s impossible!” Minji managed to maintain her balance as the other girl tried to push her off. She can take just this, Siyeon needs a friend.
“Minji. . .” It’s a helpless plea and it breaks her heart to witness this once again. It’s always like this but she can never get used to hearing her friend sound so. . .broken. So weak.
“Minji please say something, please tell me you’re kidding. Please.”
And there she is, curled up with her head on her knees, whimpering like an injured wolf, the loneliness, grief and sorrow resonating in a series of cries almost resembling a howl. Minji wanted to help her so bad but this is all she can offer, even for her this was too much. If she’s in Siyeon’s position, she’ll definitely act just the same.
She then silently got off the bed and took her leave, sparing a glance towards Siyeon before finally closing the door behind her. She knows Siyeon needs time to process everything and she can only understand everything alone.
Siyeon, on the other hand is painstakingly disoriented. Emotions flooding through her without stopping, without giving her a chance to even breathe. A pause is all is she needs but the world is cruel.
Everything is too much for her to comprehend at once.
She doesn’t want to believe what her best friend had told her but the evidence is right in front of her face. Everything is different. Her room smells different, arranged differently and there is several furniture she can’t even recognise. The world is cruel and it loves to see her suffer.
She wanted to sleep it off, but she’s only got a day to digest everything and she can’t waste another minute. She has to get through this immediately. But, how can she? How did she even cope yesterday? Last week?
There she remained lying on her bed with her legs spread out, her eyes fixated on the ceiling, her mind wandering towards something indefinite, something unknown like the white paint coated ceiling in front of her. With a deep sigh, she got up and went to her bedside table, expecting to see the journal Minji previously had told her about.
As it seems to be a mandatory thing to do, the journal has a blue post-it note pasted on its cover saying ‘Read me and don’t forget to write before your day ends!’ with the words written with a red marker. The journal looks like a classic composition book with itS cover painted in a lull shade of black. It parted ways with its usual cover look with a handsome leather-cover wrapping the whole notebook, the rest of its cloth-like bookmark dangling from the edges of the page it was wedged into.
She placed herself in front of the table by sitting on the chair next to it without making a sound. As she examined the notebook, she noticed several small engraved words on each corner, as if it was written in a mysterious manner, concealed every onlooker’s sight. It wasn’t noticeable at first except when you really take a closer look to it.
I’m a burden.
They’re all written in small letters and its almost hard for her to even read it but she’s pretty sure that’s what it meant. If she’ll count how many times the exact same words were written on the cover including the back, it would total to seven. Seven times herself has probably wandered off and written that pathetic line numerous times. It was obviously a cry for help. A scream that will never be heard and if it was otherwise, the help will never come.
Wow, what a way to start reading this journal huh.
She then decided to finally open the notebook and flipped it with her thumb ‘til she stopped at a random page. It says July 7th, year 2019 but in a number form.
07-07-2019
Today, I went out skating with Minji and Yoohyeon. And well, I ended up being a third wheel. They’re almost too disgusting to watch because once they cling to each other, its highly unlikely they’ll let go. I watch the both of them fall on their butts and the two managed to somehow make it a couple thing. What a dumbass couple, and It’s just so hard for you to not love them.
Siyeon paused to read the first sentence again to make sure she’s read that right. That ‘Yoohyeon’ person doesn’t ring a bell and it seems like the latter is Minji’s girlfriend. Clicking her tongue, still in confusion, Siyeon continued reading.
However, watching the both of them like that makes me jealous because as a person, maybe I’m craving that kind of love too.
I want a gf, and you who’s probably going to read this tomorrow will want a gf too because it’s their 2nd anniversary as a couple the next day and hearing love making sounds is inevitable when you’re living with them. Also, they’re disgustingly sweet with each other it makes me wanna vomit.
Aside from that, I went fishing alone and had some thoughts about you know, about life if I did not have this condition at all? Maybe I would’ve pursued my singing career? Maybe I would’ve been the lead singer of a band? I don’t know.
It’s kind of depressing, being alone I mean. Despite of Minji and Yoohyeon being there for me, I can’t help but still feel alone, isolated rather. I’m caged in this prison my mind decided to make for me and I can never get out of it. No matter how much I try to crawl my way out of this, I just ended up falling again, failing to get back up.
And having someone to be intimate with is impossible. Imagine waking up every day to them reminding you that you have a romantic relationship with them and you can’t even remember their name or how their faces look like or the memories you spent together.
I want what Minji and Yoohyeon have but― The note ended abruptly.
“Well I guess, I’m gonna have a daily ‘I want a gf’ written in this diary. Pathetic.” She muttered to herself as she flipped the pages once again.
12-24-19
Christmas eve, yay!
Actually nay, a straight guy flirted with me today. I was taking a stroll on the park like the usual and this guy with a stinking breath came up to me and said the lamest pick up line I’ve ever heard in this world.
I ignored him anyway because I don’t swing that way.
Changing the topic, to be honest, I don’t feel the Christmas spirit even though everything around me is white and glittery, with bright and colorful sparkling lights displayed in front of the numerous shops and houses everywhere I go. Even my go-to park is decorated and yet, everything just made my loneliness worse.
Minji and Yoohyeon did their best to make me happy, as usual. Earlier this morning, I woke up disoriented which based on my notes, always happens but after all the sappy shit, I eventually absorbed every single thing they told me and here I am, living my life as if it was just born.
I’m really thankful for the things they’ve done for me, for putting up with all my breakdowns and being patient with me. It feels like my parents left for another one to come, to take care of me and all. Well, I suppose they’re my new family now and I don’t wanna lose another one again.
So for you, who’s reading this, please take care of them. Don’t be selfish because they’re hurting too.
Merry Christmas Lee Siyeon-ssi.
Love, Siyeon.
Siyeon felt a small smile creeping upon her face as soon as she’s reached the end of the letter she’s written last year. That’s just what she needs right now. The first note was kinda, depressing.
After reading four more notes, she closed the journal and checked the date on the calendar displayed on top of her bedside table.
As she expected, there were several red markings written on the dates, some even had post-it-notes on them. She took a closer look to check out the date before finally getting up, determined to have the talk with Minji and this time, she’s hoping she’ll do it without crying. She’ll make sure she’ll get out there and tell Minji that she loves her and appreciates all the things she’s done for her.
Before leaving her room, she decided to have a look at herself in front of the full body mirror which is positioned meters away from her closet. She looked rather thin and so much skinny than the time she can remember. She can’t help but notice how her face has lost the baby fats she used to be so proud for. She looked straight in the mirror and saw that her own eyes were puffy and her hair in a disheveled state. She ran her hand through her scalp, trying to straighten up the scruffy and tangled strands of her hair, making an effort to at least look presentable to her friend.
As she left her room, she finally noticed how big the change to the interior of the house has gotten. Its walls were no longer painted in gray, its bleakness has gone away and is now replaced with a delicate shade of ivory, with every arch coated with chocolate-coloured simplicity to look rather friendly and pleasing to the eye. The furniture in the living room contrasts the colours of the walls just fine with its finishing touches and fine details of beveled and chamfered ones, completely enhancing its beautifying and yet minimalistic aspect.
Siyeon, in both awe and shock, continued her way to what it seems the living room as far as she can remember and immediately sighted the red-haired girl, sitting on the sofa with someone she can’t seem to identify.
Must be that Yoohyeon?
They haven’t noticed her yet and so, with a smile on her face, she decided to sneak up on them but as she made her way to them with rather careful and silent footsteps, she noticed how the silver-haired girl beside Minji was inching dangerously close to her friend’s face until it she did it. The other girl kissed Minji.
“Oh my god.” Siyeon, by reflex, covered her mouth with her right hand. The two, having heard the noise she made, turned their heads towards the direction of the noise and immediately got all flustered when they saw Siyeon behind them.
“Siyeon― uh, hi.” Minji pushed the silver-haired girl in a rather awkward manner before she stood up and made her way towards Siyeon. The silver-haired girl on the other hand, stood up after Minji and said, “Coffee? Yes? S-sure. I’ll make one!” in a high-pitched tone before scurrying towards the kitchen isle which Siyeon found rather odd and little bit funny. The girl must have been nervous. Siyeon wonders whether she always wake up to these two doing things like that.
“So, how are you feeling?” Minji held her hand and gave it a squeeze before leading the way to the couch, taking the other girl with her.
“Still dizzy and a bit confused but I think I can handle everything just fine.” Siyeon glanced at the way where the silver-haired girl went before turning her gaze on Minji who’s now sitting on the couch with her. She can’t help but notice how her friend’s eyes were a bit puffy as well but she did not dare comment on it. Minji gave her a genuine smile and another squeeze on the thumb before finally turning away her with a small sigh as she adjusted her position to rest her back against the couch, her left hand still holding Siyeon’s.
“Say, who was that?” A quiet ‘hmm’ from the other girl was heard without the girl paying much attention until she finally realised what Siyeon was asking her about.
“Ah, Yoohyeon? I’m sorry you had to see that.” Minji turned her head once again to her direction and gave her a rather sheepish smile. Siyeon thinks she’s never changed after all those years. Seeing her smile is just… refreshing.
“Your girlfriend, I suppose? As expected, Kim Minji-ssi, you’ve got such great taste in women.”
“Do you still remember how we used to compete about the number of girls we had on our knees during high school?”
Siyeon laughs at the thought of the high school version of themselves, collecting girls just for the sake of winning against the other. “Those were the good times. I’m surprised you have the guts to talk about that here, I mean—,” Siyeon paused for a second, her left index finger pointing at the direction of the kitchen. “Does Yoohyeon even know that?”
“Come on, we’re adults now. You’re twenty-four, I’m one year older than you and Yoohyeon? She’s twenty-three. I’m sure she’ll understand.” Siyeon hesitated for a moment. And here she thought she’s going with the flow just fine. She realised she’s still used to the thought of her being a twenty-one-year-old girl. The fact that three years has passed is still slapping her in the face in ways she did not predict at all and so she tried her best to conceal the inner turmoil she’s experiencing as she continued with the topic, hoping Minji did not notice which the latter does but decided to keep silent about it.
“So, she doesn’t know?”
“Unless you tell her right now.”
“Tell me what?”
“Seriously what’s with you people sneaking up like this?” Minji exclaimed, looking at her girlfriend with a priceless expression on her face. “You scared me.”
Yoohyeon placed the coffee she’s prepared for the two girls before plopping on the seat in front of them with a rather idiotic smile on her face which Minji soon called out. “Stop grinning like that, you look stupid.” She said which earned a loud laugh from the other girl.
“Say Siyeon, what were you guys talking about?”
Siyeon looked at Minji for a second and the other girl surprisingly did the same as well and she swears she can see the other girl looking rather uneasy. She furrowed her eyebrows at the thought of Minji telling her earlier that they were adults and yet seeing her nervous like this is making her feel like they’re still the same kids before and it’s somehow a relief for her. This is fun. She told herself. Atleast.
“Minji, it’s your call. Destroying relationships isn’t my cup of tea.” As if to tease the other girl some more, she reached for her coffee and took a sip from it while looking at Minji with a playful glint in her eyes.
“B-babe, Siyeon is just over-reacting I—,” Minji paused for a second, looking at Siyeon and then turning her gaze on Yoohyeon before continuing. “―swear. It’s nothing like that.” Minji frantically explained, stuttering midway as she finishes her sentence which gained a suspicious look from the silver-haired girl sitting on the other side of the couch which rather looked like a playful one but of course, the stuttering Minji won’t notice.
“Singnie, you’re such a bully!” Minji cried in disbelief, punching Siyeon’s arms in a light and impish way in which Siyeon feigned hurt in response with a pout on her face.
“Okay okay, it’s just a high school memory thing—,” Siyeon turned to look at the silver-haired girl in front of them, “Yoohyeon, am I right?”
“Yes, sir.” Yoohyeon let out a small chuckle in response.
And there goes Siyeon and her mornings with the two. She almost forgot the despair and loneliness she’s felt earlier this morning as she’s with these two dumbasses now and she thought she can never hope for more. They’re really doing their best to make her feel wanted and loved without imposing on her.
She also can see how the two of them are walking on eggshells around her; being so soft with her, holding her as if she’s a fragile thing that can break anytime which she thinks is true but the case is that she’s not the only one hurting. That’s what she tells herself every day as she can see how Minji and Yoohyeon, most of the times, hide their true feelings from her. With Minji’s puffy eyes every morning, the hoarseness of the latter’s voice and Yoohyeon ‘s worried look as the latter gazes at Minji.
They claim they’re fine but their actions say otherwise. And so, she’ll have to do the same as well; she’ll try and take care of them the way they’re taking care of her too.
--
Regardless of her condition, her afternoon routine never changed. She walked along the paths of humongous and leafy green trees, blending with the young and old shallow grass on the side, some bearing flowers and some content with their own solitude, waiting for time to pass by and grow old and alone until they can’t witness the sun rising anymore.
It’s twenty-five past fifteen in the afternoon and she noticed how the sun seems to be hiding behind the clouds in the sky this time, maybe it will rain soon.
She sat down in her usual spot, which is the bench facing the river and enjoyed the sight she’s currently seeing.
Everything is just so calm and quiet, her inner peace is resonating with the chirping of birds around her, with the river producing the lightest of sounds as they flow through the area, the wind caressing her face with its gentle breeze and the subtle heat the sun emits after being hidden underneath the clouds.
From her satchel, she took out her notebook and proceeds to write her thoughts for the day without even noticing that someone’s come to sit beside her.
“Hey.” By reflex, she turned her head to look at the stranger beside her and she thought she was pretty. Really pretty but still creepy.
She ignored the other girl and continued writing but the latter doesn’t seem like giving up anytime soon. “My name is Bora.” Her voice is pretty too but she thinks she’s still weird.
“Do you want to know what my surname is?” Siyeon sighed and closed the notebook in hand, obviously frustrated with the latter’s antics. She figured this girl won’t stop unless she gives her an answer. She should be thankful she’s a girl, and a pretty one. “Why would I want to know your surname? I don’t even know you.”
“Because I’m pretty, and no one can ever resist me. I bet not even you. And my surname is Kim, thank you.” The other girl said which irked Siyeon for a bit. The nerve of this girl. Unbelievable.
“Kim Bora-ssi, I believe you’re kind of being—,“ Siyeon paused for a second, her whole body facing the other girl in front of her, leaning closer this time before continuing, “a delusional and to add, too narcissistic. First of all, I have a type and you certainly don’t fit the description.” She knows it’s a lie but she has to if she wants this girl to stop.
“I bet that’s the description for your type of girlfriend. I’m clearly talking wives here.” The other girl looked back at her, with a playful smirk creeping upon her face and Siyeon wants nothing but to just wipe that off of her face.
“Really? Then I don’t want to get married at all.” She said, emphasizing the word married hoping for the girl to take the hint in which the latter ignored once again, seemingly on purpose.
“Come on, you’re no fun.” Bora said, sulking, her arms crossed up on her chest. Siyeon noticed that the other girl wasn’t just pretty, like pretty face and all. The girl is wearing a dress that accentuated her small and yet slim figure, the cuts of the flowery dress she’s wearing revealed her collarbones in a rather daring and yet subtle way. The flowery dress was of shades of violet flecked with white that seemed to undulate of their own volition. The skirt consisted of ruffled tiers of burnt orange that ended in a ragged hem just above the knees. She finds it rather cute that her feet weren’t quite touching the ground and was just dangling off centimeters from the edge of the bench.
Siyeon bit her lip as she realised this girl wasn’t kidding when she said no one can resist her. She finds her cute and if she doesn’t have this weird condition where she forgets people she just met, she’d probably flirt with her and treat her to dinner and do all that mushy stuff you do with your date but yes, she can’t because of her condition. The circumstances she’s in forbids her from loving someone new. She can’t just learn to love this girl in one day, love takes time but she’s charming, indeed. Anyone can fall for her but it’s not just her. She can’t be that person. But a new friend perhaps she’ll entertain for the day. It’s unlikely this girl will be here tomorrow anyway. She could use a company.
“Lee Siyeon.”
“Come again?”
“That’s my name, Lee Siyeon.”
“I guess, I’ll be Lee Bora from now on then!” The girl said with so much enthusiasm she can’t control herself but to chuckle at her antics despite of the obvious weirdness of the girl beside her.
“Oh please, what are you even doing here, bugging a stranger like me? Have you got nothing better to do?”
“You look like a sage earlier; with the way you seem to be meditating, I figured I’ll mess with you for a while.” She heard the girl giggle a little before clearing her throat. “But seriously, I’ve been passing by this park for years and you’re always here, sitting like you’re the Buddha. I figured it’s not that bad to get to know you. Plus—,” Bora paused for a while, turning to look at the other girl beside her, a mischievous grin showing from her face, “—you’re too pretty yourself for me to ignore.” Hearing such remarks from the other girl, Siyeon just couldn’t help but to let out a disgusted grunt.
“How do you manage to add those cringey lines in literally every sentence that comes out from your mouth? It’s like you’ve been spitting those lines while you’re still absorbing nutrients from your mother’s womb.”
“And I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you.” Bora said, giving the latter a wink that seemed rather sultry for Siyeon’s liking. “You’re really weird.”
“Not really, just bored. Say, why do you always hang here alone?” Bora asked in a rather probing manner, with her legs crossed.
“I don’t really know you so I’m not at all obliged to give you an answer.”
“But you know me that much to reply?” Siyeon knows its only a matter of time before Bora’s teasing get on her nerves.
“Do you ever shut up?” Siyeon, rolled her eyes in frustration as the words flowed with such intensity from her mouth. The peace she sought in this place is long gone and she’s getting impatient. She wants nothing but to just walk away and go home.
“Make me.” Bora gave her a rather flirtatious smile which infuriated her even more.
“Let’s get this straight. I don’t know you and you don’t know me in the way friends do. What do you even get out of this?”
“You bet I don’t know you. Your name is Lee Siyeon.”
“I just told you that.” Siyeon, in disbelief, can only heave a deep sigh after hearing the other girl’s smart and yet dumb retort. This girl really is a new experience for her and she’s pretty sure she’ll be writing about her on the journal. With all the things she’s read from the journal earlier, her life since the incident did not change that much and this girl is a twist from the boring and monotonous life she can’t even remember but has probably experienced.
“I’d like to get to know you more then, Lee Siyeon-ssi.” Bora is oozing with such confidence that Siyeon herself is perplexed with how much audacity this girl is storing inside her petite and small body.
“Trust me, you’ll regret having this conversation with me.”
“And why is that?”
“Just because.”
“Eh, that won’t stop me at all.”
“You know, you’re being annoying right now.”
“I don’t care.”
“Stop acting like a child.”
“Then, give me one.”
“Come again?”
“I said I’d like to marry you someday and have kids.”
“Excuse me? Are you high? You know you’re being unbelievable right now.”
“No, just in love.” Bora said exaggeratedly, clasping her hands as she expresses a rather dreamy look from her eyes which annoyed Siyeon even more. This is getting weirder. She has to get out of here.
“That’s it, I’m going.” Siyeon weirded out by the other girl’s persistence, stood up, placed her satchel on her shoulder and went on her way. She thought talking to this girl would be fun but surprisingly, no. Before leaving the latter alone, she gave the girl one more look and to her astonishment, the latter was also looking at her with an expression she couldn’t quite read and there she took her leave.
“See you tomorrow!”
She looked back once again just to see the latter waving her a goodbye and as her eyes met the latter’s once more, she immediately turned around, increased her pace and went home.
That night, she wrote on her journal in such hasty and yet detailed manner. The aggressive pace of her writing made her handwriting style ragged and out of control but she doesn’t mind. She’ll make sure to write about the tiny and creepy brunette at the park, telling her tomorrow self just in case, to avoid her at all cost.
--
Another day has come, and again, a new day for Lee Siyeon. Having read her note from yesterday, she knows she’ll have to keep an eye out of the ‘tiny and creepy brunette at the park’ as written from her journal. Before the words tiny and creepy, she noticed how the word pretty was first written which is now enclosed in a parenthesis and erased by a single line in the center. She thought it was odd.
Siyeon figured she’ll have to take another path to avoid an unwanted encounter with the former but for that to happen, she’ll have to walk along the paths filled with shallow and tall grasses which will probably hinder her sight and so it is decided.
She’ll take a risk.
There’s no way she’ll let her daily routine be interrupted by such trivial matters.
As she went with her usual path, she can’t help but remember how Minji broke down earlier this morning. It’s as if the girl has been holding herself together for the past three years and she just couldn’t contain it anymore. It pains to see her closest friend suffering but she’s just really as helpless as Minji is. There’s just nothing she can do about all of this. She can’t turn back time and un-have this condition no matter how much she wants to.
She recalls watching the scene in front of her; Minji crying non-stop and Yoohyeon hugging her, patting her back and whispering consoling things in her ear. She can’t do anything except to watch, forget all this in the morning and then think and act like its 2017, three years ago.
To take a breather, she halted her steps, stopping beside a mature bald cypress tree and there she took a seat under the shade.
Looking at the sky, she notices how the sun isn’t exactly that cheerful today. She then glances at her watch; thirty-five past four in the afternoon. She inferred the sun is going to set in a few hours.
Observing the tree she’s currently leaning on, she’s reminded of a quote from a book she’s read several years ago.
“Trees are the best monuments that a man can erect to his own memory. They speak his praises without flattery, and they are blessings to children yet unborn.”
Having remembered the quote in a very unusual time, she took out her journal and wrote it down. She thought the quote indeed spoke to her and communicated with her in such an eloquent manner. As she finished writing, her eyes wandered around the vicinity, scrutinizing every detail she can see and hear; the sound of the river flowing from afar, the infinite and vast but seemingly empty sky stretching out to nowhere; its bluish appearance spreading endlessly with orange hues hiding on the edges of the outwardly round expansive atmosphere, threatening to overshadow the former hue.
The melancholic aura of the vast skies is something Siyeon can relate to and it’s not just that. When you’re alone, you seem to commune with the nature and feel yourself as a part of it as well; everything appears to be in harmony with each other.
But sometimes, it can get very lonely, she thought.
“Hey, sport.” says the stranger standing in front of her, momentarily blocking her view of the sky. Observing the latter, she’s come to the inference that she is indeed the ‘tiny and creepy brunette’ written on her journal. The details were accurately written; a girl no taller than 5’5, tall nose, black hair and for additional details, wore flowery dress yesterday which precisely matched the description of what she’s wearing today.
Siyeon thought she looked lovely, but she reminded herself that this girl was supposed to be creepy and so, she ignored the girl’s attempt to converse with her. She stood up, dusting her black pants and got ready to go, except that the other girl stopped her from even taking a step further.
“Uh― I’m really sorry. You know— about yesterday if you still remember?” Bora said, scratching her head, looking rather apologetic. Siyeon ignored her anyway and took a step to the left but the latter mimicked her actions.
“I just really want to be friends with you, I really do.”
“Look, to be honest, I don’t know if I can trust you. How did you even find me here?”
“I take long walks to unwind here in the park like you do and I know this park like the back of my hand.” Bora paused for a moment. “Its pure coincidence that I saw you here. I swear.”
Siyeon, still skeptic, furrowed her eyebrows and crossed her arms while looking straight into the girl’s eyes. It’s entirely possible that this girl is lying but she can’t really tell. She’s read the things she wrote yesterday on her journal but she certainly can’t remember the exact things that has happened yesterday, she couldn’t really remember the body gestures the latter showed so she’s not certain. She can’t judge her just yet or like never in a million years. “Yeah, that’s how you met me too yesterday right? Coincidence?”
“No, yesterday was different. I always saw you hanging out there alone and I figured yesterday was the time that I finally approach you. I mean, I always saw you sitting there during my walks in the afternoon and I wonder how you’re always alone. I’m really sorry if I came off too strong yesterday―,”
“—it’s just… you looked… sad or lonely and that’s all and to be honest, I saw myself in you. I’m sorry if I’m assuming things but I just can’t help it. I was just trying to lighten up the mood with my actions yesterday.” Bora paused for a moment, biting her lip in nervousness before continuing. “Can we just… sit for a moment? I just wanna talk.”
Siyeon is still unsure if the girl was telling the truth or not. “Please?”
Still hesitant, Siyeon sighed shortly before agreeing with the other girl and sat with her legs crossed on the trimmed grass and so did Bora, which despite of her dress, did not really hesitated to get the latter dirty.
They’re currently leaning on the tree behind them, apparently it was big enough for the both of them to be leaning to it, side by side with each other. “What did you mean by that?”
“By what?”
“That I looked sad, like you said. How did you―,” Siyeon bit her lips, still doubtful of the stranger’s intentions with her. “How did you know?”
“You heard me. Like I said, I saw something in you that reminded me of myself.” Siyeon turned to her side, staring at Bora’s side profile. The journal did not lie. She thinks she’s very pretty. Beautiful, rather.
But when her gaze reached the latter’s eyes, she saw it. How they both resembled each other. As she looked at Bora’s eyes, it reminded her of the vast empty skies, without a certain direction and looking now at the latter's, it seemed like the stars had long gone out of its spark, she saw a void staring back at her, mirroring her own.
Siyeon didn’t want to speak, she knows the other girl still has got a lot of things to say. And there, they both waited in silence, their stillness in contrast with the changing reality of the external world and before they knew it, the sun was already setting down in front of their eyes.
“You know, I regret being an asshole to you yesterday. It ate me up when I got home. I just thought, you’ll be pleased with me.” Siyeon just let out a weak ‘hmm’ in response. Its oddly comforting to just sit here, listening to someone she literally just met today because yesterday’s encounter isn’t really counted because of the thing she has going on in her mind.
“I like it when people laugh because of me. I like seeing the smiles on their faces because that’s how I know how much of a help I am to them. Even if I have to do crazy stuff and became a laughing stock just to make them smile, I’ll do it right away without hesitation. But sometimes, it’s just so tiring… I’m not always that energetic to pretend, you know.” There was a moment of silence between the both of them before she heard a nervous laugh from the girl beside her.
“I’m talking too much, aren’t I?”
“No, not really.”
“Ah, the sunset looks so cool. It’s my first time seeing the sun set from this place.” Siyeon noticed how the girl diverted the topic to something else but she didn’t dare say a word about it.
“How do you know that and how is it any different?”
She then heard the girl chuckle beside her. “Like I said, I know this place like the back of my hand.” The soothing silence went on for a while before the brunette asked one more question.
“Do you mind if I ask you something, Siyeon-ssi?”
“Just, Siyeon please.”
“Okay, Siyeon then it is.” Bora paused for a moment, licking her lips before continuing. “Are you afraid of me? I mean, you don’t really know anything about me at all aside from my name and here I am, watching the sunset with you.”
“Do you want me to be honest with you?”
“Yes, please.”
“Okay, I thought you were a creep and at the back of my mind, I’m holding back the idea of you being a psyschopath watching her prey. Of course, I was afraid. I mean, why would you approach me like that?”
“So… you’re not afraid of me anymore? Like, right now?”
“Not really, now that you just look….” Siyeon turned to look at Bora once again and to her surprise, the other girl was also staring at her with her brown eyes and with the blueness of the sky merging with the now wide-spread orange hues, casting a shadow upon the melancholy the color blue brought in the sky, blending so flawlessly with other like an eclipse, Siyeon swears she can see the other girl’s eyes dilating with curiosity and interest. “—so tiny.”
“Ah, really?” Bora said with an exasperated voice, feigning hurt as a response to the girl’s remark at her, placing her right hand near her chest while pouting and Siyeon thinks she can deal with this girl just fine. Just for today.
Just for today she reminds herself.
And there, the both of them watched how the sky’s hue darkened as the sun slowly settled in a magnificent flourish of ribbon-like fire; the brilliant sun rays gleam outlined the cotton-ball clouds in a blazing glow that signifies the almost end of the day.
“Quite wonderful isn’t it?” Bora said, taking a sly glance at the girl beside her before fixing her gaze on the scene in front of them, unfolding with all its glory and splendour. The shades were changing and peculiar patterns of mist appeared. “I can never get tired of this view despite having witnessed it a million times.” The latter murmured in her breathe, a small smile evident on her face as she finished her sentence.
“They said, the world is your canvas― leave the painting to your eyes and for the imagination to wander and explore.” Siyeon shortly replied, still immersed with the scene in front of them, her iris mirroring the intersection of gold and dark blue as they melt into each other’s embrace.
“Siyeon?” Siyeon, with her eyes now closed, trying to nap, hummed in response.
Little did she know, Bora’s been staring at her for a while now ever since the sun has set. With the lights in the lamps in the park finally lit as the darkness engulfed their surroundings, it enabled Bora to see the striking features of the girl beside her.
Bora knows it’s weird, spending half of your whole day with someone you just met yesterday and yet she feels the most understood when she’ with this stranger, with Siyeon. With her, she thinks she’s more real with herself than she had ever been in the past. She realised she wants to be around her; she wants to get to know her more.
“Will I still see you around? I mean I’m not really saying that we should continue meeting like this. All that I’m saying is that if ever you need someone to talk to or―,“
“Bora?” Siyeon thinks the other girl is about to start rambling and now that she thought of it, it’s very much likely what the other girl will do. Bora really talks a lot and that sometimes it’s too much but surprisingly, she’s not as annoyed with her as she was earlier or even yesterday (in which the intensity she can’t possibly measure as she can’t quite remember the actual feeling as written memoirs are different from actually remembering it from experience).
“―or someone you can just watch the sunset with, you know where to find me but if you don’t want to meet me anym―”
“Bora.” Siyeon, this time, said in a loud and clear voice, finally stopping Bora from her feat. “We’ll see, alright? We’ll see.”
Siyeon isn’t really sure If she’ll want to meet with the other girl again. She just doesn’t do attachments ever since the incident. It’s not because she doesn’t want to, but because she can’t. She just doesn’t do romance anymore. Tomorrow, she’ll probably forget Bora’s existence if she decides not to write about her tonight, about the things they talked about and the moments they spent together; watching the sunset and all. If she excluded Bora from the narrative, deleted her writings about her, she’ll forget her in a snap.
Hurting Minji and Yoohyeon was enough and she’s not going to have more additions to the list. It’s just so wrong. And the case with Minji is different because she knew her way before the incident.
“I’m sorry.” Bora said in a rather dejected tone. Siyeon thinks it’s better this way than to let the other girl hurt in the long run.
“I really creeped you out, didn’t I?”
With that, Siyeon opened her eyes and heaved a deep sigh. She avoided looking at the other girl now but they’re just centimeters apart that she can almost hear her breathing. Staring into the abyss, as the surroundings got darker and darker, she placed both her arms at the back of her head, leaning on them. “Look, Bora. You really seem like a great person and a great company to add although you’re quite annoying at first but I swear you don’t really want to get involved with me. I’m—,” Siyeon felt a small stabbing pain in the back of her heart. As much as she wanted someone else to accompany her aside from the couple back home, it’s just impossible for someone new to stand her and the condition that’s been torturing her for years.
“I’m too complicated, Bora.”
Bora chewed the insides of her mouth before licking the bottom part of her lips, a habit she developed while thinking of something to say. For the first time in her life, she got the chance to be real with herself and almost deal with the monster that’s been eating her alive inside ever since. For the first time in her life, she didn’t need to act like someone she isn’t to impress someone.
She met someone who loves silence and peace just as much as her, someone who’s okay with simple gestures and plain yet genuine smiles. She doesn’t know how Siyeon feels at the moment but she thinks their interaction came pretty natural and effortless, undemanding and yet the compatibility is there.
It’s not that she’s been watching her from the distance for a while because that certainly would make her look like a creep but she just can’t help but notice the other girl as she struts along the park alone all these years. In contrast with her attitude when a crowd’s around her, she seems to be attracted to the peacefulness Siyeon evokes; it was something she’s been craving for years. All the giggles and laughs when you’re surrounded by a crowd of people can be quite draining as you have to be as energetic as them and with Siyeon? Everything about the latter screams of serenity.
When she first noticed her, she thought Siyeon was rather weird as she observed how the other girl carries a satchel with probably only a notebook and pen inside. She either sees her writing on her black notebook or stares into nothingness. The usual place she’s seen Siyeon in the past most of the times has been on that single bench in front of the river. It’s not that she’s stalking her but during her walks in the park, the former is just always there, sitting on that old, discoloured bench.
Bora either walks or jogs around the park every day but she never stays for too long because she still needs to go back to her supposedly active life with friends and acquaintances at work. She owns a dancing studio and manages it all by herself, sometimes with a help of a friend or two.
Dancing used to be the thing she does to escape from all the madness in her life until the hate she harbours for it won over her love for it. Most of the times she just wants to take a break because people expected a lot from her and she just can’t handle the pressure anymore. It affected her usual dancing routines and her love for the sole thing she used to cherish just died. Now, she only does it for the sake of her income. And there, she’s forced to find a new hobby to replace the old one. Unfortunately, nothing sufficed except one. She found out that solitude and peace was all she needed. Her long walks in the park were only her breather from everything, some place where she takes a break from all the noise and drama.
And there Siyeon appeared. Bora can’t help but gamble as she took her usual stroll in the park, thinking whether she’ll see the other girl sitting on that same bench, doing the very same things she does every day and to her delight, the other girl doesn’t fail to reappear every single day. Well, there are days when she doesn’t arrive but those days are very rare.
As time and time went by, she began to think how similar the both of them actually are.
Maybe the other girl is just as lonely as her but of course, she was just assuming things. She has to meet her, get to know her more.
And she did.
“I don’t care.”
“Come again?” Siyeon asks, making sure she heard the latter right.
“Do you want to go to the playground?” Bora asks, ignoring the latter’s request.
“I thought I made myself clear.” Siyeon clears her throat as she stands up, dusting her pants off. She figures it’s time to go and she has to end this quick before it’s too late.
“I said I don’t care if you’re too complicated, didn’t I?” Bora grins as she stands up as well, grabbing Siyeon by her hand and starts running, dragging the latter with her.
Siyeon, on the other hand, doesn’t want to come with Bora but she didn’t have a choice as the latter is running fast and she has to catch up unless she wants herself to trip with her face first hitting the grass on the ground.
After lots of running, Bora finally stopped as they reached the destination the latter wanted to go. Grinning, she pulled a panting Siyeon again with her as the latter went on her way to the swing.
Siyeon didn’t know of this playground’s existence at all. She has been going to this park since she was young and she only knew of this now. It was somehow located at the hidden part of the huge field, like it was concealed on purpose from the people’s sight.
She noticed the discolouration of each ride; the once vibrant red paint turned to a faded one, the colours blue and violet lost its mysterious aura over time and the once cheerful yellow became a subject to melancholy. Rustiness also came to latch on the hinges of the playground rides and as a result, there came the loud screeching sound whenever someone tries to ride them.
Oh, the results of being neglected over time. She wonders what will happen if her memories were a living thing, will they get mad for being forgotten?
“Why such a long face, Miss Siyeon?” Siyeon hears Bora asking her. Looking at the latter now, Bora is currently sitting on the seat of the swing, barely even moving as the ride is already rusty and its painful to even hear it move as it screams of its agony, the rust being its disease. “Come sit with me.”
“Bora, I want to go home.” Siyeon exhales loudly as she finishes on stretching both her arms and legs. It has been a while since she ran like that.
Being with Bora is such a pain in the ass, she thought.
“Did I stutter?” Bora widens her eyes at the latter, with a sarcastic smile on her face. She drops it soon as she sees Siyeon’s unamused face and there she used her other method of persuading the latter. “Come sit, please?”
And it worked.
Siyeon, biting her lips and with her hands on her waist, proceeds to walk towards the latter’s direction. If Siyeon herself is stubborn already, Bora seems to be the personification of persistence.
As she’s just meters away from the latter, she looked at the other girl and gave her a sardonic smile before finally sitting down the other swing beside Bora’s. “You’re more stubborn that I thought.” Siyeon says, loud and clear for Bora to hear, playing with the sand beneath her shoe. Surprisingly, the swing she’s sitting on isn’t as rusty as Bora’s and she can move the swing without the screeching sound echoing around the park.
“I just want this night to last if you’re really keen on pushing me away.” Siyeon turned to look at Bora. The latter is not looking at her as Bora’s gaze is fixated on the rising moon above the tall trees. She heard the latter let out a laugh which Siyeon thinks is a fake one. She knows how to identify which one is fake or real because she does it all the time. They really are the same, then.
Siyeon realises the other girl she’s facing right now is different from the one she met under the shade of a huge tree earlier. The latter definitely sounds more broken; maybe it’s because the sun finally went down and with that, the latter can finally unmask her real emotions, the remaining hidden ones she doesn’t want anyone to see? But of course, Siyeon’s just making an assumption.
She turned her head to look at the moon in the sky and she thought Bora being so lost while staring at it made sense. The moon is a warm milky glow in the sky, as if the sight of it could become a song in the eyes of anyone willing to raise their head upward. Siyeon wonders what music it brings to the latter.
“Siyeon?” She looks at Bora once again, only to find the latter now looking at her with those pretty brown eyes of hers. Bora’s skin is practically glowing from the moonlight as the both of them are bathing in the light of it and she thinks Bora is even more beautiful than the stars around. “Mhhm?”
Bora grins and Siyeon thinks it’s a genuine one this time. “Nothing.” The latter looked away and proceeded to copy Siyeon’s feet movements, also playing with the sand beneath their feet.
Siyeon concludes that one’s heartbeat is like a metronome, keeping the rhythm of one’s soul at a steady pace, the metronome then is controlled by someone setting up the pace for them and that someone can be their music, dance and so much more.
In Siyeon’s case, she can feel her heartbeat quicken, as if someone’s toying it with their fingers; she can feel it almost bursting from her chest. This feeling is quite familiar for her, she knows of it but she doesn’t want to acknowledge its existence.
Bora. Bora. Bora.
Is it love? No, it’s too soon for that, she thought. She’s pretty sure she admires the latter’s beautiful features, but it was all too soon. She likes her, perhaps as a friend. Or maybe, she’s got a simple crush on the girl but that’s mainly because of the latter’s features but she shouldn’t let herself be carried away by these emotions, this impulsive and irrational behavior or else she’ll end up hurting someone, again.
“Singsing~” Siyeon thought she heard the latter say but she’s too occupied with her thoughts, calculating the consequences of her ‘irrational behavior’ that she doesn’t notice Bora getting off the swing, positioning behind her. Perhaps she notices it a little bit too late that the latter almost sent her flying off the swing, it’s a good thing she has fast reflexes. “What on earth are you doing?!” Siyeon shouted as loud as she can, as the latter is still pushing her from the back to keep the swing moving.
“I’ve been calling you and you seem to be meditating again so, enjoy!” Bora shouted at the top of her lungs as she pushed the latter once again, laughing as she hears Siyeon’s constant screaming of ‘help’ and ‘let me down’. If this day is gonna be the last day she’ll be with her, then it’s better to make it worth it, she thought.
Siyeon, on the other hand, despite of the screams she’s letting out is surprisingly having fun. She thinks it’s because it’s a good thing that for the first time, she’s actually talking to someone else and having fun besides from being with Minji and Yoohyeon. Today’s the first time she’s having a really good time. And so, she screams some more, this time, just screaming with lots of ‘whoos ‘and ‘ahhs’. From her position, she can hear Bora laughing as well and she thinks that’s the best laugh she’s ever heard for years, of course excluding the days she’s forgotten.
The screaming eventually died out and so does the movement of the swing. Siyeon and Bora is left on their devices, still panting. Bora decided to go back to her position next to Siyeon’s and sat down the swing, sounding exhausted. She turned to look at Siyeon and she’s thankful for the moonlight as she saw Siyeon’s red face, covered in sweat, her hair all over the place as the girl tries to catch her breath. “You look beautiful.” Bora muttered under her breath, low enough for the latter to not hear what she said at all.
Siyeon might not have heard it but the latter caught her looking and then gave Bora a smile, a smile so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness. That smile is the prettiest thing Bora has seen in a while. She thought her smile can be compared to a spring flower blooming, she could see how it came from deep inside to light her eyes and spread into every part of her. Siyeon smiled with more than her mouth and she heard it in her voice and with the way the latter looked right now, she thought it was beautiful.
And then a song rang in her head. Two less lonely people in the world and it’s gonna be fine.
Bora then gave the latter a smile as well, a smile that’s quite reaching her eyes this time. “Want me to walk you home?”
Siyeon hesitated to speak for a while and so the latter added, “It’s okay if you don’t want me to.”
“No, no. Let’s do that.” Siyeon says, she felt the cool wind hitting her face, greeting her with such joy. “Walk me home.” She knew that was a rather rash decision but she couldn’t care less. It was all new, this sudden warm feeling eating her whole. To live in the moment was her motto and she was actually doing it without worrying about tomorrow.
And so, go on they walked, with their fingers almost touching as they walk side by side. Both feeling as shy as the other, like wholesome teenagers going home after their first date.
When they reached Siyeon’s house, it was a lot more awkward that Siyeon thought. They stared back at each other for what seemed like hours until the latter finally dropped her gaze. “Is this really goodbye?” Bora’s voice was quieter now, almost hesitating.
“I think so.”
“Oh, I see.” Bora gave her a small smile, and Siyeon thought there it goes again, the fake one. She can clearly see the hurt in the latter’s eyes but she thinks it’s better this way.
Right?
“Bye. I guess, see you when I see you?” Siyeon heaved a deep sigh as she saw Bora’s retreating back. It seemed like hours, watching her walk away and so she did the most stupid thing she can do. “Is it too late to take that back now?” Siyeon shouted at the top of her lungs. What she’s doing is a gamble but she thought, fuck this shit. “See you tomorrow?” Siyeon added. The latter has stopped walking now and then slowly, Bora turned around with a smile on her face. “Same time?” Bora shouted just as loud, not caring about the latter’s neighbors.
“Yeah! Same time!” Siyeon thought she looked so stupid right now but she didn’t care. She can see Bora smiling from afar and Siyeon swears her smile shone like stars after dark, with no city lights to dim them. For in that moment, time stopped to stare and admire her. Despite everything she’s been going through, she momentarily forgot all of those and it’s all because of her.
Bora.
And there, from the doorstep of her house, she watched Bora went on her way; the latter was running and she thought she looked like a bird.
Cute.
That night, Siyeon wrote another entry in her journal, mainly consisting of Bora. She wrote another one of those detailed entry, writing in such careful manner, choosing the right words to describe the latter as if to let her tomorrow self visualise Bora as well with so much clarity, to envision and let her tomorrow self feel the emotions she’s felt today, feel the intensity of today’s events. She finished the entry with a post-it-note at the bottom saying: ‘BUY A NEW CELLPHONE WITH MINJI TOMORROW’. She realised she wanted to make new memories with Bora so bad, and this time with photographs to make her remember the latter with such precision and clarity.
She went to sleep that night, so high from her feelings for Bora that she forgot how she’s unable to tell the latter about her condition at all.