I’m Sure you Must be Weary, Dear
From: Elias Bouchard
To: Rosalind Zampano
Subj: subject line here
There is a mess in my office and down the hallway, if you could please take care of that. The janitorial staff will be wanting hazard pay. Call a company if you absolutely must. asap
Sent from my iPhone.
From: Rosalind Zampano
Subj: re: subject line here
Mr. Bouchard,
Unfortunately Mr. Reed had an incident cleaning a spill from Artifact Storage. He was the last of our janitorial crew. The others quit after the infestation in the archives. It was rather gruesome. I’ve hired an outside company. They are very strange, but they turned down the offer for hazard pay. I’m not entirely trustful of their services, but the institute is in desperate need for funding as I’m sure you’re well aware. Have you been in contact with Mr. Lukas lately?
Regards,
Rosie
Rosalind Zampano
Head of Communications
Magnus Institute, London
From: Elias Bouchard
Subj: re: re: subject line here
Not since our most recent divorce, no.
Also, the Archivist is no longer a murder suspect.
Sent from my iPhone.
From: Rosalind Zampano
To: Elias Bouchard, Sonja Olsen, Diana Sanchez, Hannah Price, Thomas Webb, and 93 others
Subj: Important Announcements
Dear all,
I hope you all had restful weekends. There are a few things which you should be aware of. The primary staircase to the second floor, as well as the offices of Human Resources and Administration have been closed off for routine cleaning and maintenance. If you work in the Library, please take the staircase near Artifact Storage to reach the second floor. If you work in Human Resources, unfortunately there are no empty desks available, however there are plenty of seats in the canteen. Please remain patient, and the second floor should return to normal within a few days time.
Do not talk to the cleaners. Do not make eye contact with them. If you do, head immediately to the decontamination center outside Artifact Storage. Do not run.
In other, more pleasant news, our very own Jonathan Sims is no longer a suspect in the murder of Juergen Leitner. It seems that the police received a candid confession from a separate individual. They are dropping the case entirely. I hope you’ll join me in welcoming Jon back with open arms.
Regards,
Rosie
Rosalind Zampano
Head of Communications
Magnus Institute, London
From: Hannah Price
Subj: re: Important Announcements
Hi Rosie, Hannah here. As the head of Human Resources, I am concerned by these new developments. While yes, there are plenty of seats in the canteen, a group of complaints from one Ms. Melanie King refuses to scan into our digital system. I would normally file them in paper format in my office, however it is closed off at the moment. How soon until the cleaners are finished?
Warm regards,
Hannah
Hannah Price
Head of Human Resources
Magnus Institute, London
From: Rosalind Zampano
Subj: re: re: Important Announcements
Hannah,
I appreciate the concern. I am uncertain when the cleaners will be finished. Mr. Bouchard sent the new intern to check and I will let you know when he returns. Please sit tight in the meantime.
Best wishes,
Rosie
Rosalind Zampano
Head of Communications
Magnus Institute, London
From: Hannah Price
To: Timothy Stoker
Subj: HR Violation
Tim,
This is the third complaint I’ve received about your behavior this month. Please stop by my office at your earliest convenience.
Thanks in advance,
Hannah
Hannah Price
Head of Human Resources
Magnus Institute, London
From: Hannah Price
Subj: re: HR Violation
Tim,
I’d like to make a correction to my previous email. Do not under any circumstances travel to my office on the second floor. Please stop by the Canteen instead. I am by the chips.
See you soon,
Hannah
Hannah Price
Head of Human Resources
Magnus Institute, London
From: Timothy Stoker
Subj: re: HR Violation
No.
Sent from my iPhone.
From: Timothy Stoker
Subj: re: re: HR Violation
I q q q q q q q q q qqqqqqqqqqqqqqquintisenttially hate this job.
Fuck.
Sent from my iPhone.
From: Hannah Price
To: Jonathan Sims
Subj: Tim
Jon,
Glad you’re not wanted for murder, welcome back, yadda yadda, PLEASE fire Tim. You and Elias are the only ones with the authority to do so, and all Elias does is talk around the issue without saying anything of substance at all. He has thirteen HR complaints on file and hasn’t done any legitimate work for months. I get about a dozen emails a day from Tim that look like half written termination letters before devolving into expletives. Recently I’ve started receiving text messages of a similar sort. I have no idea how he found my number. This is getting out of hand.
Please help,
Hannah
Hannah Price
Head of Human Resources
Magnus Institute, London
From: Jonathan Sims
Subj: re: Tim
Hannah,
I’m sure Tim would love to be fired, were I physically capable of doing so. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’ll talk to him about the emails and recent text escalation.
Take care,
Jon
Jonathan Sims
The Archivist
Magnus Institute, London
From: Rosalind Zampano
To: Jonathan Sims
Subj: Return to Archives
Jon,
It has come to my attention that you are no longer a murder suspect. I suppose congratulations are in order. Please stop by the front desk at your earliest convenience. I have some forms here you must fill out.
Welcome back,
Rosie
Rosalind Zampano
Head of Communications
Magnus Institute, London
From: Jonathan Sims
Subj: re: Return to Archives
Rosie,
Can the forms be submitted digitally? If so, please send me an attachment. I have not been physically inside the Archives in a long time and it doesn’t want me to leave.
Also, the new intern has a statement. I can feel it. I’ve already called an ambulance if you could let the paramedics into the building.
Much obliged,
Jon
Jonathan Sims
The Archivist
Magnus Institute, London
From: Rosalind Zampano
To: Martin Blackwood
Subj: Regarding Forms 48b, 15c, and 23f
Martin,
It seems there are multiple forms redacting your previous death status. Given I have signed as a witness and yet have no memory of seeing you since your untimely passing last summer, I assume something supernatural is involved. If you are in fact alive, respond to this email. If you do not reply to this email within the next 48 hours, please know I will have to dispose of these papers as per the usual method. If you are a creature impersonating Martin Blackwood, as per the unfortunate incident of Sasha James, kindly fuck off.
Glad you’re not dead, unless you are dead, or are not Martin,
Rosie
Rosalind Zampano
Head of Communications
Magnus Institute, London
From: Martin Blackwood
Subj: re: Regarding Forms 48b, 15c, and 23f
Rosie,
Yes I am alive. I appreciate the concern. I have not been replaced, however I will not be in the office for some time. I’m still getting all my parts and pieces back together at the moment.
See you soon,
Martin
Martin K. Blackwood
Archival Assistant
Magnus Institute, London
From: Hannah Price
Subj: re: re: re: Important Announcements
Rosie, hi. Any updates on the cleaners? Is David okay???? I heard sirens.
From: Rosalind Zampano
To: Elias Bouchard, Sonja Olsen, Diana Sanchez, Hannah Price, Thomas Webb, and 93 others
Subj: Important Updates
Dear all,
There has been an unfortunate accident on the primary staircase leading to the second floor of the building. As a reminder, those travelling to the second floor must take the back staircase near artifact storage. Only the library is open at this current time. All other areas on the second floor have been closed off until further notice.
For any who were close to Intern David Lee, you will be happy to know that he is not dead. He is, however, in urgent care. Again, I remind everyone that the primary staircase and the entire second floor, with the exception of the library, are actively closed off.
Do not allow the cleaners to touch you. They should stay within the aforementioned closed off area, but stay vigilant. Stay as far away from the line of tape as possible. The arm reach of the cleaners is ten feet, fifteen if you make eye contact. Do not make eye contact.
In other news, Martin Blackwood is not dead despite what we knew to be the contrary. He is currently on medical leave, but please welcome him back to the Archives shortly.
Regards,
Rosie
Rosalind Zampano
Head of Communication
Magnus Institute, London
From: Diana Sanchez
Subj: re: Important Updates
Rosie,
I assume from your previous email we will be needing a new intern? If so, please let me know so that I can put out job notices.
Best wishes,
Diana
Diana Sanchez
Hiring Manager
Magnus Institute, London
From: Rosalind Zampano
Subj: re: re: Important Updates
Diana,
That would be great, thank you. Could you also look into hiring new janitorial staff? I don’t find it wise to continue with the current cleaning company for future incidents.
Best of luck,
Rosie
Rosalind Zampano
Head of Communication
Magnus Institute, London
From: Jonathan Sims
To: Rosalind Zampano
Subj: The Cleaners
Rosie,
The cleaners will be done Tuesday at precisely 12:00 am. They always finish at precisely 12:00 am, no matter when they begin a job.
You’ll be glad to know that David Lee has stabilized. He is however no longer David Lee. I would recommend immediate termination, for the safety of everyone in the institute. Do not worry about him, he will be fine. The cleaners offered him a job.
Tell Elias to stop sending his interns towards certain death,
Jon
Jonathan Sims
The Archivist
Magnus Institute, London