ch11
“God.” Crystal cried, holding Heidi close. “You’ve only been with me around two weeks and I’m saying goodbye again.”
“Like lifetimes apart.” Heidi wiped her tears, laughing them off.
They were silent as the rest of the girl packed their things onto the bus, and watched the drivers smoke in the just outside. It was best they all got acquainted now, it would be a long time before they were alone again.
“Oh, Crystal.” She sighed. “I beg that you come with us. It’s so sad to be without you, I’m sure you don’t understand.”
“I’ve left Seattle with Gigi one too many times to know that it isn’t a good idea.” Crystal smiled. Heidi understood immediately and turned away, saddened and broken.
“Hey, hey.” Crystal comforted. “it’s alright. Next time I see you, you’ll be ready to be married and have beautiful babies who look just like Michael.”
“Talk about tearing a band apart.”
Crystal smiled, kissing Heidi gently on the forehead.
It wasn’t long before Jackie and Widow were crowded around the small girl dispensing hugs and kisses and being together but knowing they would soon be apart.
“Where is Gigi?”
“She’s on the phone to her dad.” Jackie spoke.
“She’s been there all day.” Widow popped in.
“Really? Crystal questioned. “I wonder what that’s all about.”
“Couldn’t tell you.” Heidi placed her hands on her hips.
Crystal walked over her to check how she was. The girl was resting on the back of the bus, holding a phone in her hand that rang a dial tone, knowing her dad had just hung up and they were no longer talking.
“Is everything okay?”
“Right as rain.” She sniffled.
There was an unspoken awkwardness between them that had lasted from the other night. They had not even spoken since.
“Look, Crystal.” She came. “I’m sorry about the other evening. If I could go back and do everything differently than I would. There is a massive planet of regret sitting on my shoulders.”
“It’s okay, I was just embarrassed.” Crystal concluded.
Gigi took it upon herself to grapple Crystal’s face and hold her close. They were staring at each other in the purest of intensities.
“Please, Crystal, come with me. Things will be so much safer if you come with me.”
She shook her head. The urge to go was tearing her up inside, but she knew it had to be resisted. There could be no wavering with her livelihood this time around.
“I can’t.”
“But I love you. I could make you so happy.”
Crystal knew this was true, but in the same breath, she had already made her so very unhappy. It was unbearable now, and it would be worse the more she tried to press Gigi for love.
“I can’t, Gigi.” She came. “Now, please, let me go.”
The taller girl dropped her hands and sighed. She stood there, all broken hearted and affected, wondering where the next part of her life would come from. How would she survive this?
“Y’know, if th0is band ever makes history, and I mean real history, you’ll always be listed as the girl who very first broke my heart.” She almost laughed.
Crystal smiled, knowing this would be true. Her name would be written in fashion magazines everywhere, on billboards, and all over several American towns. It was almost a delight to know that she would live in whatever Gigi wrote about her.
“I’ll be happy to see you back in Seattle in a couple of years.”
“I’m not coming back.” She breathed in the first inhale of a cigarette and leant back against the bus.
“You’re not?”
“No.” She spoke. “I gave Heidi the house. It’s hers now, not ours. I’m not going to come back.”
“Well, I guess that makes this goodbye.” Crystal spoke again. There was a terrible ache in her stomach all of a sudden. All along, she believed loss was something you felt, but to her, loss was something she was. It was all she ever had been. Crystal was always losing.
“Come here.”
The smaller girl fit directly into Gigi’s arms. She was holding the blonde with one arm letting her cry on her chest. They were so in love but with a million worlds between them, and nothing could be worse. There was so much love and so much fear. Crystal and Gigi would only see each other as fleeting occurrences, but never again as lovers. Crystal leaned up to her and held her by the collar of her jacket, before leaning in and kissing her with longing and intention. For the first time, Gigi dropped her cigarette and just held her. There was no shuffling for a deed to be done, or no desperation for fear of loss of the moment. She was holding Crystal and there was no one else in the world as she did. One hand cupped Crystal’s blonde hair and the other pressed firmly against her back so that there was no space in between them. How wonderful it was then. Crystal felt like she was learning to French kiss for the very first time back in middle school. Gigi felt like she was melting. They both were falling apart in each other’s arms. All good things must come to an end, Crystal thought, stopping to pet Gigi’s hair in a tear little hug. If she would have known that, looking now at the girl, it would be the last time she would see her in quite the same way, there was so much more she would have said. She would have pointed how lovely her dimples looked when she smiled, or how perfect she looked when she was crying. She would’ve commented on her healthy weight, or the sparkle in her eyes that was the whole world’s guiding star. If she would have known that the next time she was Gigi there would be barely any Gigi left, there would have been a lot more to say.
Either way, Gigi left the very same day and there was no time for any goodbyes longer than the one they had already had. For nearly four months of her life, she and Gigi had lived in this strange cat-and-mouse type affair that never seemed to start and never seemed to end. It was always plateauing, there was always something else to do, some more closure to get, some more terms to discuss. Now, however, there was simply nothing. They were on good terms and the bad blood had thinned out. There was nothing left to do. Nothing left to say. No one else to call when there was tears to be had or sadness to be shaken of. Crystal sculked back when Monet and Oliver began their slow walk back to the house. She was burying the horse for the last time and would never dig it up again for as long as she would give. In her room, if her heart could’ve been stored under the boards, it would have torn the room to shreds. There would be simply nothing left to say.
The first month was the most difficult, as it always was, but there was always the comfort on TV. Even when things were terrible, Gigi was starring on a show somewhere and Crystal would be watching, and it would be like they were in the same room again. She could’ve even sworn something that Gigi was talking to her through the box and that any second now she would walk through the door and be home for good. How good she looked, there was no denying that. Her hair was getting shorter but thicker and her face was getting more defined by the day. She even looked taller. The makings of a supermodel, Oliver would often say. She even mentioned Crystal once debuting a new song on some late-night talk show. It was called ‘To the girl I love’ and Crystal’s name was smack bang in the middle of it. There was no ambiguity. They no longer talked and somehow, Crystal was still everything Gigi did. This was fine, as most things were. There was a slight yearn and a chest pain every now and then, but it was nothing sleep couldn’t solve. However, sometimes, when it was early in the morning and the girl was asleep on the couch, sweet French notes would play from the TV and erase all the progress she had made. It would destroy her. Eat her up. Kill her from the inside out and make her wonder why she ever treasured being born. These were the scariest times of all. It was like Gigi was present and if Crystal tried hard enough, she could smell the perfume and feel the touch and know that they were together. It all seemed so real and then it wasn’t. It never was.
Month two was no better, and only exceed the first thirty days in Gigi’s level of fame. She was now a household name in every single country in the world. Teenage boys wanted to fuck her, and teenage girls wanted to be her, everyone seemed to say. Crystal wanted to be both and more at the exact same time. She wanted to be so deeply attached that they may even become one person. She had found herself in a unique situation where Gigi was slipping away. She could see on the TV and all the magazines that she was hanging out celebrities and eating out at fancy places. She was fine dining and always going to a party somewhere. In fact, there was nothing that she wasn’t doing, except from getting back to Crystal. That was the one thing she seemed deeply unable to do. Crystal wasn’t getting texts or calls; she wasn’t even getting letters which they had always promised each other to write if any such fame should find its way into Gigi’s life. Monet attempted to shield her as much as she possibly could but there was no protecting her from the perils of real life. There was no shielding such endeavours. Gigi was everywhere. Monet thought she looked sick but as usual Crystal knew she looked beautiful.
By the time Crystal began to get her life back on track, three months had passed. It was nearly Christmas and Gigi was dying in the big city of dreams. Truthfully, she not always made the best choices in the limelight. She had done things out of pressure and other things about of fear of not being liked. She had committed to acts that made her hate herself and put out an album she didn’t like. Worst of all, she had formed habits that had ruined her own life. She was always warned about these kind of things by Heidi, knowing she was easily influenced and wanted nothing more than to be loved. Still, it did not stop them from happening. It was three months since she had last been in love and she was feeling sick. Homesick. She needed Crystal now, but the sheer ignorance and laziness had gone on too long. They did not even talk anymore. She wished she had just text her back instead of watching TV or given her a call instead of doing coke at a random party and ending up nearly dead. She had no passion for life and wondered often if it would have been better if she had died that night. To top things off, her father was getting ill and she wasn’t even in the country to help. She yearned for the comfort of home. There were things about her father that she never told anyone, things she couldn’t blame him for and refused to hate him for all the same. Neither of them had been handed the easiest hands in life and he had not always bene the kindest, but this didn’t she wished bad for him. She wished bad for no one, not even Rose. She wished the best for Crystal and even more so for Heidi who would be getting married in the coming months. She would soon be alone, and her band would be a one hit wonder who were left touring for the rest of the year with no one to watch them. She dreaded this day, knowing eventually she would need someone to turn to. Her life was going to shit and three months to the day, she was far too upset to cope and was stuck on a tour bus for the second time in her life. She had to call Crystal. So, she did. Whilst all the others were sleeping, she called the number that she knew by heart, insides wrenching with every number. She had called many time in the passing two weeks but had always gone to voicemail. This would’ve been enough. Just to hear her soft tones of not being able to come to the phone were enough to shock and excite euphoria. She lay back, having the phone on the pillow next to her and closed her eyes for the dial tone. ‘I can’t come to the phone right now.’ She expected and listened out for the voice that never came.
“Hello?”
Gigi leapt up, smacking her head on the ceiling and wincing in pain.
“Gigi?” Crystal came again. “Is that you? Are you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s me, sorry.” She whimpered, laying herself back down on the bunk. She checked the time, 3:15am, Crystal was too in thought to sleep. She knew her so well.
“Are you okay? Why did you call me?’
“I’ve not been long off the stage.”
“And?”
Gigi thought back to only a couple of hours ago, looking through a crowd of people somewhere in the middle of Italy and searching for Crystal’s pale face. She was never here because she never came. There was always the element of looking but she was becoming readily devoid of her searches coming up to nothing.
“Well, I was looking for you.”
“I don’t suppose you had much luck.” Crystal laughed to herself. “I mean, I’m in Seattle and you’re in Rome.”
“I know.” Gigi answered. “The thrill without you here…it just isn’t the same.”
There was silence between them as Gigi lay back her head and began to cry inaudible tears. There were so many things she wanted to say. She wanted to tell her that she had ha d a terrible time on the road and the she needed to come home more than she needed anything. She wanted to tell her that she was dying inside and didn’t know if she would ever get back the pieces of herself that she lost to all the terrible things she had done. There was a wound inside of her that was bleeding and making her sick. Everything was a wound, and these days, Heidi could barely talk about home without taking off the band-aid and making Gigi bleed all over again. There was so much she wanted to say.
“The thrill can’t all be gone.” Crystal spoke, softly. “You were performing before you even met me.”
“I know.” Gigi wiped her face down. She was sweating and couldn’t gage as to why. She began to audibly tear up.
“I love preforming.” Her voice shook. “I love it so much, Crystal, you know? I get out on that stage and I just think about how I used to bust my ass for minimum wage eleven hours a day just to support myself. Now what? I earn enough money to buy two, three houses. I never thought it would be like that for me. I never had that. It’s like a drug to me. The lights and the crowds, all of it. I don’t know why they pay me; I should be paying them.”
“I love you when you’re passionate.”
“I love you all the time.” Gigi laughed, sniffling.
“Are you crying?”
“Yes. Please come out here, Crystal, please. I’ll fly you out right now.”
“No…..I…uh” She fumbled. “I don’t want to. I can’t see you right now.”
“Please, Crystal, I love you so much, I am so lost without you.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Gigi.” Crystal’s tone was stern and narrow, warning Gigi to stop before she ruined something good.
“I’m not.”
“You are. I said I couldn’t go. You’re being cruel.”
“I don’t want to be cruel to you, Crystal, I love you.”
“If you loved me, then you wouldn’t feel the need to keep saying so.” She was practically yelling. Gigi could almost tell that she was staring at the empty house just across the river. “I would know by the way you left me alone and didn’t force yourself on me like some kind of…..some kind of maniac!”
“You’re being cruel, Crystal. Can’t you see I needed you?”
“Need me?” Crystal sighed. “Grow up. You and I are absolutely over, there is nothing left there now. You can’t need me anymore.”
The silence came back. Gigi could not even believe how far away they were pushed now and the fact they were ever lovers was unbelievable.
“I have to go.” She spoke, quickly, knowing Gigi would stay in silence forever. “Don’t call me again. Enjoy your tour.”
There were no words to describe how Gigi went to bed that evening. There was much hatred for herself, anger for Crystal and general disdain for the world that she hurled in the foetal position for an hour after the woman hung up. For a crime of passion, Gigi would always pay more than what she owed.
It only took another month before the terrible thing happened. Only another thirty days, having passed Christmas just barely and ending up in the slow slope of January, Heidi came home with her fiancée. The other girls stood behind them, three or four bags of belongings on each arm, looking tired and neglected. There had been nothing on the news about the tour and Crystal became confused watching them from her big window. Only Gigi was missing, so where was she? She could not let time go by without knowing.
She ran down, found that a storm was brewing and leapt out into the rain.
“Heidi.”
The girl was opening the door.
“Heidi! Heidi!”
She dropped the bags and turned around to see a tiny wet figure yelling from over the river before handing the keys to her fiancé to attend to it.
“Crystal!’ She yelled over the sound of rain hitting the water. “Why are you her?! I thought you’d have gone back to your parents by now!”
“Why are you back?” She yelled, not even noticing the question.
“The tours cancelled!”
“What? Why?”
“You don’t know?” The taller girl came. “Gigi didn’t tell you?”
“We haven’t spoken!”
“Alright.” Heidi pointed to the open door of her house.” Come over so I can tell you. It’s about her dad!”
Crystal did not even bother dressing the occasion and began to run to cross the river. She knew Gigi’s dad had always been important to her and silently prayed that nothing bad would happen even though she knew it already had. She recalled the stories of them crossing the country together, helping her with instruments, and teaching her to play. Crystal knew she would be in pain when she found out, and that many feelings she was hiding away would come to the forefront. She would care again just like she had before. Even if she knew this, nothing could have prepared her for time in her life was about to go through.