Ch5
Crystal stayed up and cried the night through. Her sobs took the whole bus by storm. Somewhere muffled into the space between Jackie’s neck and collarbones, and some was into a pillow long after Jackie had fallen asleep spooning the brunette. Most however, was loud and abrasive. Gigi found herself at 3am listening to Crystal’s unhinged howls at the moon and crying herself. She knew Crystal well enough to know that she did not love things easily, and yet had sworn until she was blue in the face that she did love Gigi. To think she betrayed that. It was unimaginable. Now, she was unable to sleep, feeling the weight of the girl she had betrayed beneath her. Every time she closed her eyes, there Crystal was again. Standing in the doorway, one sock rolled down around her ankle, and looking like the world had suddenly caught up with her. It was a devastating sight, more so now than ever. Gigi was bad, but Crystal was much worse. The entire thing replayed in her head over and over until she couldn’t handle it anymore and was sick all over Jackie’s carpet. Nothing about this had been grand, or poetic, or worthy of being romanticised. It was the night Crystal learnt that real heartbreak is not something to write about. It was ugly, and revolting, and Crystal was barely pulling herself through the cracks. Paris hurt most. Whenever she tried to close herself into Jackie, she thought about it. She saw fancy open cafés, and rainy walks around the Notre Dame as the night was setting in. She saw subtitles over French movies, French wine in the hotel room, and Gigi’s naked body on the marble balcony above the city of lights. It was all planned out and it had fell out from beneath her. In the simplicity of it all, she was completely devastated.
The next morning, she woke up with an empty space in her chest. The feeling of finality caved in on her like a deadweight and she didn’t even want to imagine facing the girl that was no doubt wandering around the living room.
“Morning.” Jackie mumbled sleepily, not yet opening her eyes. She was lay tight next to Crystal, head very nearly touching the warmth of her shoulder.
“Morning.” Crystal took a deep breath.
Jackie pushed herself up on her elbow to get a better look at Crystal. She was beautiful even like this, tears streaming down her red cheeks and remnants of mascara cluttering her eye bags. A vivid ray of light was catching her porcelain skin through the cracks in the blinds above the bed, and Jackie was thinking about Gigi. How could she have done something so horrible to such a beautiful girl? When Crystal had told them they were coming back from their night, walking across the muddy fields in the moonlight. Her tiny stature came bounding towards them, screaming and sobbing. It could’ve passed for a murder scene.
“You still crying?” The girl’s voice was soft as she ran the pad of her thumb across Gigi’s face to rub the tears away.
“Mhm.” She mustered. “I haven’t slept.”
“I felt you tossing and turning all night.”
“I just can’t stop seeing it, you know?” She started again, tearing up. “The way they were sat. The way Gigi was looking at her, Vix, she looked like an animal. It was like something out of a horror movie.”
“I know.” Jackie sighed. “She did a horrible thing. You must’ve been terrified.”
“Crystal.” A quiet voice peaked out from the bedroom door. Heidi stood there, clutching the frame as if what the brunette was feeling was tangible and filled the whole room. She was looking at the girl as if she could see it, as if it was sat right on her chest.
“Yeah?”
“We drove through the night. You’re home. I hope you don’t mind, but Widow and I helped back your things. We didn’t think you’d be wanting to spend more time here than you needed to.”
Crystal sat up sleepily, letting Jackie’s hand slip down her bare back.
“Thank you guys. That means a lot to me.” She breathed.
“No problem.” Heidi replied. “I’ll give you a minute to get ready.”
When Crystal left the room she was wearing one of Gigi’s hoodies and her trainers. She probably didn’t have much else at hand. At the time, Gigi was sat streaming tears on the couch by the door, now looking at the girl and remembering how it felt to be with her no more than a day ago. Her eyes were blue and bright as ever, and her thighs coffee coloured, and her perfume still wringing out the room. It was torture just to see her stood there.
“My parents are gonna tell me they told me so.” She managed a sad chuckle.
“I’m sure they’ll be fine once you explain.” Jackie replied to the girl who followed lightly in her footsteps.
“You’re right.” She smiled. “Thank you for everything.”
Jackie nodded in response. She knew there was no requirement for words, what lingered was enough.
“Crystal.” Heidi came around the corner once again. “I have never built a friendship quite so strong with any of the girls that have come and gone from this bus. If it’s okay with you, I’d love to stay your friend.”
“I’d like that.” Crystal sniffled, as Heidi place a piece of folded white paper in her hand and wrapped her hands around the girls. “I love you, Heidi.”
“I love you, too.” The taller girl replied, grappling Crystal is a hug that Gigi knew she wouldn’t get. All she could do was bite her lip and hope this was all over soon. She couldn’t even look at them.
“Let me see you out.” Heidi followed the interaction, breathily. Crystal nodded and made a dart for the door, walking confidently in front of Gigi. There was so much between them now, so much that wasn’t there before. They could barely maintain the sliver of eye contact they had conformed to.
“Crystal.” Gigi even spoke just as the brunette had grabbed the handle. It wasn’t warranted as much as it was required. Her name had been building up in Gigi’s throat like bile, and it was only a matter of time. “I’m so sorry.”
“I forgive you.” Crystal smacked the door open. She had always made the best peace, and she knew that clinging onto her resentment for Gigi would do not much more than make her a bad person. There was also still a part of her that cared desperately for the girl, and this was an opportune time for it to show. “But never talk to me again.”
“She’s taken my sweater.” Gigi got on her knees to watch Crystal fall pathetically into Jan’s arms, Heidi rubbing her back like it meant something.
“Probably to fucking burn it.” Jackie almost snapped. Gigi turned around to see her looking out the opposite window into nothingness. She herself was upset that Gigi had sent Crystal on her way after all the good she did for the band, for Gigi’s life.
“Don’t you dare.” Gigi seethed. “You don’t get to comment on what happened.”
“Really?” Jackie spun her whole body around. “Because I didn’t see you crying with her until four this morning? I didn’t see you making her something to eat and giving up your bed for her. You didn’t do any of that because you’re selfish, you always have been- ”
“Jackie.” Heidi came back into the room, shutting the door quietly behind her. “Enough.”
“But, Heidi- ”
“I know.”
Jackie stormed off into the back of the bus where Widow was hiding from all the emotional conflict. Heidi knew if she’d stayed, she’d have said all the things about Gigi that were cruel and true, and Gigi wouldn’t have stayed another night.
“What did you give her?” The dark haired girl asked as Heidi crossed her arms and lead herself to the middle of the floor.
“My number.”
“Why?”
“Why, Gigi?” Heidi scoffed. “Because once again, you’ve broken some poor girl’s heart and I’m left to pick up the pieces. Like always.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“Why did you fuck her?” Heidi spat, just as Gigi was about to leave. She didn’t need to be here, Heidi had no right to be talking this out with her.
“You don’t get to ask me that.”
“Why did you fuck her?” She came again, harder. “Why, when Crystal was right there? She was with you.”
“Because she came onto me!” Gigi shouted, practically leaping up from her seat. “She came onto me, and she was beautiful, and Crystal wasn’t here!”
“She was out calling her parents, Gigi!” Heidi raised her tone to match the girl. They had never fought like this about anything, let alone some girl they’d both known for just over a fortnight. “She wasn’t two fingers deep in some other girl!”
“That’s not what happened.” She huffed. “I made a mistake, I know. But, I went after Crystal. I didn’t stay with Rose at all. I found Crystal outside and told her that I loved her and that I was sorry.”
“I love you isn’t something you say to someone when you’ve hurt their feelings and you don’t know what else to tell them.” the girl sat back down, looking off sternly into the distance through the front window of the vehicle. There, stood a street so familiar Gigi could taste it. She had kissed Crystal there for the first time. There had been many better kisses since then, but it was the first and held a strange place in her heart reserved only for things that felt like sanctuary. She didn’t even notice she was crying.
"Hey, Gigi, look at me.” Heidi knelt by the girl. “Gigi, look at me, please.”
When she turned her head, all Heidi caught was a blank glare, something not quite there. It was terrifying, as if something had just switched off inside of her. There was a girl sat on the couch, yes, but Gigi simply was not there.
“…..Are you mad at me?” She spoke, entirely monotone.
“No.”
“No?” Gigi resonated. “I’m glad. I hope you can understand- ”
“No, Gigi, I don’t understand you.” She cut the girl off. “The only reason Crystal was mad was because she had a lot of faith in you.”
“And you didn’t?”
“I want to say I did.” Heidi reached for the girl’s hand, speaking soft as rain. The harsh approach was clearly getting her nowhere. “You are my best friend and I would love nothing more than to tell you that I did. But I didn’t and look where it got me. I was right all along.”
Gigi’s gaze seemed vacant for another minute or two before it caught Heidi’s. From this point, she erupted into tears right there into her friend’s arms.
“I did such a bad thing, Heidi.” She whimpered into the crook of the girl’s neck. It didn’t take long for her entire shoulder to be completely covered in Crystal’s drool and snot as she sobbed beyond herself. Part of Heidi felt bad for comforting Gigi, but she had earnestly never seen her so distraught. When other girls would leave, the dark haired woman would put in some headphones and lay down for an hour, but this was all. Their name would never get mentioned after that. She was hysterical now and Heidi barely knew how to handle it.
“I love Crystal. I want to be with Crystal. I wanted her like I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want her and I can’t even make that work.”
Heidi, now sat on the couch with Gigi practically curled in her lap, did not see the conversation going this way. In her head, Gigi was going to punch her and they’d have spent the night in the ER. `Now, she wanted nothing more than to tell Gigi it would all be fine. What she had done was borderline unforgiveable, however, and she couldn’t offer any reassurance that wasn’t conditional. Gigi eventually tired herself out and fell asleep in Heidi’s lap. Even she who had stayed strong for everyone, sub came to the tempting feel of sadness. Crystal had left, and whatever happiness she exuded into that place had gone with her.
Gigi didn’t sleep much over the next couple of days. Every time she drops away, suddenly all she can dream about is Crystal. She dreamt vividly of their fight, or how it felt to see her cry, or even how she made love so unbelievably fine. It would cause her to smoke at 6am, and then stay up playing guitar until two the next morning. She was evading sleep in hopes of minimising the time she spent looking at Crystal’s body. Every single second was hell. Often, in the hours between, Gigi would roll over in bed and think about Crystal mercilessly. How had a girl she known for two weeks and a half weeks ruined her entire life? She couldn’t stop thinking about how she had hurt her and how that she never deserved a person like her. She didn’t even warrant knowing her. By the time three days had passed, she thought Crystal was probably doing okay. She had most likely forgotten all about the whole thing and decided it was time to move on whilst Gigi’s heart was quite rightfully in pieces. She just wanted to be okay. She just wanted to stop crying and to remember who she was. Gigi hadn’t given this much attention to any part of her life since she was thirteen and her parents got divorced. This bump in her life had stopped her playing music and put her career on the backline until she was sixteen and had enough sense to start playing again. This threatening reality taunted her once again, dark and looming in the very near future. She even teetered along the edge of this harsh truth by only playing half her set list at the next gig smack bang on the other side of California. Heidi had started talking to her semi normally again, but Jackie and Widow still couldn’t look her in the eyes. It was eating them up, too. Perhaps they too had faith in her that was understandably left unfulfilled, or maybe it was just killing them in the same way it was killing Gigi. She would not have been surprised if everyone on that bus had fallen for Crystal in the exact same respect.
Gigi was no stranger to after-show blues. She used to get them all the time two or three months before the whole ordeal took place. It was sensible for her to think they’d maybe gone away, but here they were again, dominant as ever as she sat backstage. If Crystal was there, they’d have laughed about how Gigi didn’t make it through the whole set list, or how she looked like shit because she hadn’t slept. They’d have laughed on the floor and Crystal would’ve leaned across and kiss Gigi’s lips softly through the dark. The nights that could’ve been haunted Gigi. Wherever Crystal was, whatever she was doing, whoever she was telling Gigi about now, hopefully her life was going better than this.
Gigi was sad, yes, but she wasn’t stupid. If she was feeling down, she knew exactly where to go to get herself back up. The girl stood up, brushed herself off and walked back onto to the now empty stage. The crowd had withered into tiny groups as the night rapidly formed around them, and Gigi tried her best to ignore the image of Crystal that manifested on the lower stage. She wasn’t coming back. She contemplated this as she scanned the crowd and found exactly what she was looking for. Gigi had been to many shows before, she knew that if she wanted somewhere to put the sadness, there would be an after party somewhere where she could unload. It wouldn’t be full of A-listers, or people that knew what she did, but she wouldn’t be alone and she wouldn’t be sober. Gigi sighed loudly on her empty stage, this would do.
She found her means of destination through a boy named Brad who had recognised her from the stage and who immediately could not do enough for Gigi. He welcomed her into this group and offered to drive them all to the after party in his old Chevrolet Chevette. Not quite as glamorous as she imagined, but it was fine. Gigi took the first half on the car ride to think about Crystal, and how driving her anywhere felt one million times more luxurious than this. The second half was shrouded in doubt and regret as the man next to her leant over and held his hand out gently.
“I’m Zack.”
“Hi, Zack.” She humoured him. “Gigi.”
“I’m familiar. We saw your show tonight.” He replied. “You must really be going through some stuff to be hanging with low lives like us.”
Gigi looked at him for seconds at a time. His skin was olive and his hair all black and matted, curled atop his head. He was attractive, even by her standards. Crystal would’ve eaten him entirely whole.
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
“I imagine the heavy, impending sadness just comes with being a rock star.” Zack turned his head away from the girl. “Like Kurt Cobain.”
“Exactly like Kurt Cobain.” Gigi mocked him, looking back out at the window.
“If you’re looking for a little upper.” He began, hushing his voice ever so slightly and leaning into his pocket. What he retrieved was a tiny clear bag, housing only two pink pills no bigger than the size of her pinkie.
“What’s that?”
“Magic.” He giggled, tossing them into her lap. Gigi picked them up and palmed them, staring down as if she had no clue what was going on. In her entire time on tour, her encounters with drugs had never been quite so close.
“I can’t accept these from you.” She pushed them back.
“Consider it the rock star treatment.” He just smirked, somewhat putting her at ease. “Keep them. If you take them, only take half of one. That little bag usually lasts me a month and a half, maybe two.”
“Thanks for the tip.” She gave a light chuckle as the car pulled to a stop.
“Just remember me when you’re famous.”
The party was at some sort of loft, from what Gigi remembers. It wasn’t exactly noteworthy, but it was a pretty space no doubt owned by the leading member of another smaller band who also played that night. Crystal would’ve liked it here, she thought. Crystal had an eye for interior design as she had an eye for most things. She would’ve just adored the wooden furnishings or the use of large plants to maximise space and minimalism. It took three minutes for Gigi to realise she had been thinking about home furnishings for longer than she was willing to admit. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, it had been doing so since the car ride.
Widow: Where are you?
Heidi: Gigi, tell us where you’re at.
Jackie: Heidi’s worried about you
Heidi: Gigi, answer your phone
Heidi: Please
Gigi stood still in a crowded room, looking up from her phone for a minute and forgetting Crystal wasn’t there. She looked for her face only to come to the reasonable conclusion they just weren’t in love anymore. With the way she had hurt the poor girl, were they ever? Did it happen because they lived together? Was it a conflict of intensity? What if seeing each other again changed everything? Gigi suddenly got the urge to see Crystal. It suddenly didn’t matter that they were a six hour bus ride away, or that Gigi couldn’t find a way to be sorry enough. It didn’t even matter that Crystal didn’t care anymore. Gigi would’ve walked back to Seattle just to stand under her window and say how very sorry she was. As if by reflex, she spun around to get to the door. She was going to do it. She was going to make things right between her and Crystal. It seemed the least she could do after all the fixing Crystal did for her. This plan was fairly decent, and for the hopeless romantic Crystal was, it might’ve worked. Might. A figure had loomed in that doorway whom Gigi had banished from all memories, and for whom she made Crystal suffer. Her body was caped in darkness like something out of a scary movie in which she would immediately jump out and kill Gigi. She wished that was true. She wished thoroughly that she didn’t have to live in this moment, and that none of it was really real.
“Hi Gigi.” The figure stepped into the light. “it’s good to see you with some clothes on.”
The whole thing was terrible, Gigi thought. The worst part by far was that she was still beautiful. Her face still had the ornate sculpture of a Greek goddess, and her body looked like a dream in her little black dress. Gigi was undeniably entranced by her, but more distracted by the image of Crystal’s crying face that stole her memory. It was like the night was happening all over again.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m an event intern in California.” She scoffed. “I’m here all the time. The real question is, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be doing coke in some expensive bathroom or something by now?”
“You know I’m not like that.” She growled.
“So, come on, why are you here?” Rose teased again, motioning Gigi to come over with her finger. At this point, she was so enraged with the thought of Crystal’s absence and the remainder of the woman who had ruined everything good she had going for her.
“Fuck off, Rose.” She exclaimed, shoving past the girl and storming to the front door through the small crowd of people congregating there.
“What it is? You’re not playing today?” Rose followed her patronisingly.
“Why did you try and have sex with me?” The dark haired girl spoke as she stepped outside. Her breath was visible as she spoke to the air; a horrible looming feeling that summer was ending quite rapidly. “You knew how important Crystal was to me. I told you all the way back to the bus how I was falling her, and still.”
No, Gigi.“ Rose spoke calmly and boldly. "I never tried to have sex with anyone. You took me into you room, you took control. Yes, I initiated things but no one asked you to do anything. You slept with me completely of your own accord. You weren’t thinking about Crystal at all.”
“You don’t get to speak to me like that.” Gigi had begun shaking.
“oh, come on.” Rose approached slowly, one hand snaking around Gigi’s neck and the other pushing a strand of hair from her face. “It wasn’t all bad, was it? You can’t have liked Crystal that much.”
“I….” Gigi stuttered as Rose’s soft lips touched the nape of her neck and left three dry kisses all the way to her collarbone. “I loved her.”
“So, why are you stood here with me?” She mumbled, listening to Gigi’s pretty little whimpers and continuing to nip at her neck. “Why aren’t you chasing her? Because she left. She’s not here anymore. Live a little, Gigi.”
“What if she knows I slept with you?” The girl moaned, tipping her head back to give Rose more leverage. She knew what was happening was bad, and that its moral influence would guilt her for days afterwards, but this didn’t negate the feeling of pleasure. Her whole body was tingling, her face was numb, she wasn’t even thinking about Crystal.
“She doesn’t even have to know, baby.” Rose kissed Gigi gently, letting Gigi sit in the moment before yanking her forward and turning their kiss passionate. It was bliss, Gigi was sure. Rose’s body felt so good pressed against hers, her thigh shoved in-between Gigi’s separated legs. Gigi was seconds away from tears already. Rose let her hands wander down, gently squeezing Gigi’s ass to which she let pretty words tumble from her mouth. Except, to her, it wasn’t so beautiful.
“Did you just say Crystal’s name?”
“Uh..” Gigi whined as the redhead backed up. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
Within seconds, she had left Rose feeling very confused and very disappointed. By the time Rose even started to leave, Gigi was already upstairs slamming the bathroom door shut and crying against its hardwood pattern. Crystal was gone for seconds, and now here she was again, big and demanding. For such a quiet person, it was strange how Crystal almost commanded that she was felt. To think there were other people in the world who had loved her for longer and lost her harder, and how bittersweet this must’ve been. The girl scrambled to the counter, throwing out the tiny bag of pills and looking at them with desperation. She was just hoping it would make it better. Hoping it would help her out. Hoping it would take the pain away so that for at least a minute or two she wasn’t thinking about Crystal’s face looking up at her from among the bedsheets. She didn’t have time to get a drink, she was exhausted and wanted done with now. Gigi shoved both tablets into her mouth, immediately turning the tap on and gulping water from her cupped hands. She looked disgusting. Mascara streaming down her face, water running down her chin and pooling on her chest. She had no idea how long she stared at herself in the mirror. It must’ve been about fifteen minutes of reminding herself how hated she was, and how terribly she had acted. How hurt Crystal must’ve been. It was only as all these thoughts came flooding back that Gigi touched her face and felt the blood trickling down her nose. Suddenly, she couldn’t feel her head, or hands, or feet. If these were her last moments, she was terrified. It was an hour before anyone found her that night, on the floor of the bathroom and the sink overflowing onto her unresponsive body.