Something Old, Something New

Jackie’s POV

She’s running, Jackie is running but she doesn’t know what from. But for some reason, she’s running as fast as her feet can take her. The wind is blowing her hair into a frenzied mess but she doesn’t care because all she can focus on is running. There’s an urgency like she’s running for her life here. It isn’t a situation where there’s a reward for her actions, it’s a situation that will have catastrophic results if she fails. She needs to run. 

Then it hits her, she’s not running away. She’s chasing something. 

A woman in a purple sundress is in front of her. Her blonde locks are wild and mangled and Jan can’t see her face but she can tell from the whimpers coming out of her mouth that she’s scared. Then she reaches the end of the cliff. The woman turns around and she’s too far away for Jackie to make out her face, but not far away enough for her to be out of earshot. The woman is sobbing, a manic wail of suffering. The sound of a creature so tormented by life that even her sanity has abandoned her. Jackie doesn’t recognize the sound but she recognizes the voice. 

Jackie starts running faster. 

The face changes from a blurry mess to distinctive features that Jackie is enamored with. Fat, bloody tears roll down Jan’s cheeks, leaving a trail of blood in their wake. She stands there, at the edge of a cliff, blood streaming down her face as screamed in agony.

Jackie’s so close. She’s so close. 

But Jan’s begun to walk backward, her shrieks slowly transitioning in whimpering. She’s accepted her fate. But a second before she can plunge into the foaming waves, Jackie grabs Jan by the shoulders and pulls her into her chest as she lets her own tears soak Jan’s shirt. 

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

“But for how long?” Jan grabs Jackie’s face in her hands and suddenly there’s nothing in her arms. As quickly as she came, she’s disappeared and Jackie is standing there empty-handed at the edge of a cliff. 

Then she wakes up. 

Immediately, she tries to sit up, but a weight stops her. Jan is lying against her chest, her head rising and falling to the soft rhythm of Jackie’s breathing. She’s okay. Everything is okay. No one is crying tears of blood or threatening to launch themselves off cliffs or disappearing into thin air. Jan is here, safe in her arms. A small puddle of drool has gathered on Jackie’s shirt but she doesn’t care. Jan is here, Jan is safe, and Jackie gets to hold her inside her arms. 

When they were still together, Jackie always took the peace of the morning for granted. She didn’t appreciate what a gift it was to see Jan with all her guards down. To see her without any of her insecurities shielding her beauty. But now that Jackie has gone without Jan for two bitterly painful months, she can finally see how lucky she is. While most people have an abhorrent facial expression, limbs splayed across in an awkward manner and hair like a bird’s nest, Jan manages to look perfect. Her hair is perfectly in place with the exception of a stray strand covering her face. On her face, she wears a soft smile that signifies good dreams and general contentment. And she rarely ever moves when she’s sleeping. Only ever to accommodate to whatever position Jackie had switched to. 

Like most things that involve Jan, it feels natural. It doesn’t feel uncomfortable or forced or something that she has to put up with. It feels like a pleasure, an honor.  Jackie feels honored that Jan trusts her enough to drape her legs over Jan’s body. She feels honored that the first thing she smells in the morning is Jan’s strawberry shampoo. She feels honored that she is there to witness the soft murmuring noises that come from Jans’s mouth because like most things in life, Jan doesn’t like to be quiet. And Jackie wouldn’t have it any other way. She would rather listen to Jan drone on and on about some obscure musical that she’s never heard of than to bear the tension-filled silence that is becoming her new normal. 

It feels wrong for Jan to be quiet, maybe that’s why she’s doing it. Because deep down, she knows that Jan and Jackie are wrong. Not because Jan is anything less than perfect, but because Jackie is. But it is at that moment that Jackie realizes that she has two days with Jan. 

48 hours in possibly the most romantic scenario a couple can be forced into before leaving their separate ways, never to see one another again. She’s going to make the most of it. Savor every breath and every word so that when Jan inevitably realizes that she deserves so much better, at least Jackie has memories left to cling on to. 

“Jackie?” A hazy voice snaps her out of her thoughts. Jan’s awake and there is an adorable disgruntled look on her face as she checks the time on her watch. “Oh, that’s not too bad. We have a good thirty minutes to get ready before we need to be down for breakfast.” 

“Who needs thirty minutes to get ready in the morning?” Jan lifts an eyebrow. 

“Who doesn’t?”

“Jan, my morning routine involves brushing my teeth and trying not to drown in self-deprecating thoughts.” Jan laughs and Jackie feels her heart soar. Every time Jan laughs she forgets how much she’s missed the sound. Maybe she’ll get used to it, maybe she won’t, but either way, as long as she keeps hearing it, Jackie has no complaints. 

“I take a do shampoo, conditioner, body wash, exfoliant and shave. Then there’s skincare and makeup.”

“We’re lesbians,” Jackie says incredulously. “One of the only perks that we have is that we don’t need to shave.”

“Yeah but I like to,” A smile lights up her face. “There’s something about slipping into sheets with lingerie and shaved legs that makes you feel like the sexiest woman on the planet.” Jan doesn’t need to shave to be the sexiest woman on the planet. All she has to do is breathe. But she’s not going to take the fun out of lathering up your body using goopy liquids for Jan, so she doesn’t protest. 

“How about I shower after breakfast and then you shower right now?”

“No can do, the dress rehearsal is right after breakfast.” 

“Then how about we order room service?” 

“Deal.”

Jan’s POV

Jan’s had a funny past with the Hotel’s room service. Once, she was served lukewarm mackerel and a disgustingly medicinal cherry milkshake. But other times, the food had been homey, the recipes passed down from Nana Sport. Most of the food at the Charleston were either decades-old family recipes or they were traditional hotel foods that never seemed to hit the spot. Still, Jan hasn’t stayed at the Charleston in almost a year, so she’s forgotten how the food tastes. They now offer a full English aside form a continental breakfast, but Jackie is a sucker for Cinnamon rolls so they settle for pastries and coffee. 

What arrives is a small basket of danish pastries and cinnamon rolls with a note from Emily with stick figures fucking that Jan most definitely will not show Jackie. But it’s nice, to be basking in the abundance of sunlight that Hawaii has to offer while listening to Jackie explain why Star Trek was the most progressive TV show of all time. She’s missed this. It feels like the ease that brought them together at first has returned. Nothing between them is rigid or awkward anymore, it just flows so naturally. 

She doesn’t know what happened last night, but somehow the pointed silences and the depressing “what we could have been” thoughts have left. Because she’s too busy soaking in every inch of Jackie that she can. She cannot afford to spend another second feeling pitiful for herself because she won’t get a lifetime with Jackie. Because deep down she knows that not even a lifetime will be enough, so why not settle for two days?

Jackie seems to have come to a personal understanding too because she seems less stiff and less held back. As if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders and everything she has ever wanted to say comes tumbling out. They’ve fallen back into their old rhythm of playful teasing intertwining with meaningful conversation and it’s so much better than Jackie remembered. It’s light, it’s happy and is so perfectly Jackie. 

She knows that 48 hours fly by so quickly when you’re in good company. But Jan is happy because 48 hours is better than nothing. And though it hurts to admit, time flies by when you’re in love. Because that’s what Jan is, in love. It’s not some life-changing epiphany that you read about in romance novels where she confesses to Jackie in the pouring rain. It’s mundane, normal and it feels like nothing has changed because nothing has. A small part of her knew that she had fallen in love the second she had locked eyes with Jackie in the club a year and a half ago, so nothing’s changed. She’s still hopelessly, pathetically, and possibly irrevocably in love with Jackie Cox and that probably won’t change for a long time. 

“Oh my god, this is really good,” Jacki says as she bites into a cinnamon roll, moaning orgasmically and Jan desperately tries to prevent all the memories that come flooding in at the sound. 

“It’s my Auntie Caroline’s recipe.”

“You use family recipe’s in a family-run hotel? That has got to be the cutest shit I have ever heard.” 

“Yeah, my family’s pretty dope.” Sadness flashes in Jackie’s eyes before a bright look replaces it. The same look she has when she gets an idea. 

“Hey, do you wanna play Never have I ever but with pastries?” Jan groans. 

“Jackie, I need to fit in my dress. We both know I’ve done some wild shit in my life.”

“Okay, then we’ll play it with water so you’re super hydrated,” Jackie says as her eyes sparkle. She very clearly wants to do this and Jan has never been one to say no to Jackie. 

“You are the weirdest person I have ever met, Jaqueline.”

“Right back at you, Janese.” Wait. Janese. No one has called her Janese in almost nine years, not since she left high school. 

“How did you get my full name?” Jackie smiles mischievously. 

“I peeked at your passport.” Jan gasps, completely scandalized. “What? It slipped out of your pocket and I handed it back to you, remember?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll start. Never have I ever had a one night stand.”

“Okay, that’s not fair,” Jan says as she takes a small sip from the glass of water that sits in between them. “You know that I was a slut back in college.”

“Now, now, Jan. Misogyny is frowned upon on this household.” Jackie says in a lecturing tone, humor tinting her words. 

“Let me rephrase that. I engaged in vigorous, slightly dangerous sexual intercourse multiple times a week.” Jackie smiles like a proud mama.

“I have taught you well, young pupil.”

“Aren’t you a star trek nerd?”

“I can nerd out about two things at once.” 

“Fair point.” Jan nudges the glass in Jackie’s direction. “Drink up, bitch. Never have I ever gotten really mad because someone used sexist language in graffiti on the bathroom stall.”

“Hahaha,” Jackie cackles. “Chelsea told you that story wrong. It wasn’t a sexist language, it was incorrect grammar.”

“Honestly, what was I expecting.” Jackie laughs, then looks at her phone. 

“Never have I ever looked at the time and realized we have like twenty minutes before the rehearsal starts.”

“Oh fuck, I have to change.” 

Jackie’s POV

They’re wearing white. To a wedding. Normally people don’t wear white to weddings but apparently, according to Jan, it’s Sport tradition to wear white to rehearsal dinners. Jackie has prepared a simple off-shoulder, cotton maxi dress. It flatters her one positive physical trait, her collar bones, and hides her complete lack of curves. She’s paired it with simplistic jewelry and a waterfall hairstyle that creates the illusion of beachy curls. She looks good and she knows it. A small part of her wonders why she has bothered to make such an effort in the first place. She is very likely not to see any of these people ever again in the near future. So why is she painting silver eyeshadow over her eyelids and coloring her lips with pink?

She doesn’t get much time to ponder before Jan walks out in her dress. A sheer overlay garment with a high collar neckline and form-fitting nightgown on the inside. Her makeup is one in a natural but very flattering manner and she opted for geometric earrings with her hair simply let down. 

“Well?” She asks nervously. “How do I look?” 

How does she look?  She’s radiating something that seems to be putting her in a trance because Jackie can barely form coherent thoughts, let alone vocalize them. Beautiful doesn’t even begin to describe it. She looks like a goddess of the Grecian era come back in a modern form. She looks like a forest sprite perched atop some massive tree gazing into the sky. She looks like everything Jackie has ever wanted and will ever want, but that’s because she is. She is all of those things. A deity, a fairy, a dream come true. She is all of those things. 

If Jackie could tell Jan how she really feels, how she wants to spend eternity, and eternity after that with her, she would. She would sing her praises with a boombox over her head in the middle of the rain like they do in those movies that Jan loves. She would scream everything she wants to say at the top of her lungs. She would throw all caution to the wind and get down on a bended knee and beg Jan to take her back. But she can’t do any of that without hurting Jan. Because as unbelievable as it seems, Jackie is protecting Jan. She is a coward, a selfish monster and Jan deserves better than someone who does nothing but run away from her problems. 

Jackie still remembers that phone call. How could she ever forget? She remembers the threats, all the things they had sworn they would do to her. Disownment, beatings, conversion therapy. None of it had worked, Jackie had remained adamant. But it wasn’t until they had threatened to hurt her Aunt, the only person who had ever loved her, that Jackie broke.

But the selfish part of her still wants Jan. Still loves her. Still dares to imagine a future together. But the rational part of her tells her that some things must be left unsaid if one of them wants to leave with an intact heart. 

Beautiful doesn’t cut it. But it’ll have to do. 

Jan’s POV

“You look beautiful.”

But is it enough? Is she beautiful enough for Jackie? Is she beautiful enough so that she can convince Jackie to stay, even for just a minute longer? Even just a second and she’ll be grateful. Every moment that they share together is one that she will store in her memory until the day she dies, so it’s only natural that she wants more of them. Jackie has always made her feel beautiful, feel wanted. Until she left, and never in her life has Jan felt more ugly. The blonde had spent hours tossing and turning, making mindmap after mindmap as to figure how she had managed to let Jackie go. 

Jan has had her heart broken many times. Over and over again. But when Jackie left, it was the first time that it felt like she would never heal again. Because she had lost the only thing she had ever wanted. All she wanted was Jackie. Suffering, baggage, sickness, health. All of it. She didn’t care how painful or how long and arduous the journey would be. As long as she got to walk the road with Jackie, she didn’t care. So it had driven her mad when Jackie chose to leave her everything, the house, the plants, even some of her clothes. Everything but an explanation. Because that’s all Jan had ever wanted. An explanation as to what was wrong with herself so that she can finally stop prodding and pulling at all her broken pieces. So that she can change whatever Jackie found wrong about her. She’ll do anything, anything-

Jackie moves to caress her face gently, and every insecurity, every doubt. It al shuts up. All she can feel is the sensation of Jackie’s hands against her cheek and the fire that is burning up in her chest. 

All she can feel is Jackie’s thumb rubbing circular motions across her face with all the gentleness in the world. All she can small is the overwhelming scent of the rose oil that Jackie uses instead of Perfume. All she can hear the Jackie’s shaking breath as she opens her mouth before closing it again, choosing the leave whatever words she was about to say, unsaid. 

Jackie’s POV

She knows this is wrong. She knows that this is cruel and selfish and will hurt them both in the long run. But something in her just can’t stop herself from leaning forwards. 

Jan’s POV

The space between them is bettering smaller and smaller, she can breathe in the familiar taste of spearmint and coconut in Jackie’s toothpaste. She looks into Jackie’s eyes and she can see fear. She wishes she could tell her that there’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be scared of. Because if she’ll let her, Jan will fight her demons with her time after time until there is nothing left of the earth. But like Jackie, some things are just better left unsaid. Jan leans in and she’s so close yet so far away. All it takes is one little motion and-

“I hate to break up the tender the moment, but if you don’t get to the lobby right now, Em is going to lose her shit.”

Jan has never wanted to kill her brother more.